With the approach of the Lager Jogger Run in Pottsville,
many visitors will arrive in the city. This
will bring about the exposure of these visitors with the native population. To avoid any problems the city has been
distributing a leaflet in the downtown area. The leaflet is to educate the natives
as well as the visitor runners. Here are the contents of the leaflet:
1.
Visitors will be in Pottsville to participate in
a “run.” Such a concept is peculiar to many of the downtown residents who
prefer to waddle, stagger and meander about, going to and fro, for no particular reason.
In fact, most Pottsville residents consider running as a means of
transportation only if the police are in hot pursuit of them.
2.
Pottsville locals are prone to hamstring pulls
by any sudden movement. Last year there were numerous visits to the hospital
for hamstring pulls caused by scratching lottery rub-off tickets too fast. Residents are
again urged to avoid any sudden movement.
3.
Local residents should not mistake the finishing
line for a police crime scene tape.
4.
Pottsville residents should not offer
cigarettes to the runners as they pass by. Residents should keep their
cigarettes for themselves, their significant others, random hook-ups, and
children of random hook-ups. The
cost of cigarettes is now ridiculously high; let the runners buy their own friggin' smokes.
5.
Runners, after completion of the race, may comb
their hair. Such a concept is culturally foreign to many of the residents and may
even frighten some. Residents should not
be alarmed by hair combing. It is not done for checking ticks or head lice. The
Pottsville Surgeon General has issued a report that hair combing is not
contagious.
6.
Residents
that wear pajamas on the street may cause some runners to get confused about
the time, and they may believe that it is night time.
Residents who meander, stagger and waddle about, going to and fro in pajamas are
asked to cover-up with bathrobes until the race is complete.
7.
Pottsville locals are reminded that the race
takes place at 9:00 A.M., which may interfere with their sleep. Locals should not call 9-1-1 to
complain about the noise of the starter gun waking them up.
8.
Runners often consume food high in carbohydrates
before a race. Locals should stock up on
their food essentials before Friday. However
no one should panic as the city will begin setting up the May Fair funnel cake and French fry stands
this Thursday.
9.
If it is a sunny day and the temperature goes above
60 degrees, local men are requested to keep their shirts when
walking on the sidewalks as to avoid sun glare bouncing off of their pasty bodies, which could distract the runners. Same goes for the women.
10. Local residents are requested not to
waste their money on the race, but rather support our local businesses by investing in more tattoos. A race lasts less than an hour, tattoos are forever.
THE FOLLOWING VIDEO HAS
BEEN ENDORSED BY THE
POTTSVILLE SURGEON GENERAL
BEER: HEALTHIER THAN RUNNING
