If large sodas are outlawed, only outlaws will have large sodas

I understand that there is a movement to ban the sale and possession of large containers of sodas and other soft drinks just over the state border in New York.   You say that it should not concern us as New York is so far away.  Well I remember as a child when fireworks were first banned in New York.  It did not take long for that ban to come to us.  So much for the Second Amendment. Now instead of roman candles we must entertain ourselves with sparklers and those snakes that stain your sidewalks.

For some reason or another, these misguided activists are concerned over the increase in obesity.  I oppose such a ban. If ever I am asked my opinion on the so-called obesity epidemic, I say “bring it on.” 

 For years we have seen many of our youngsters graduate and leave Schuylkill County, never to return, except for perhaps an occasional visit to attend the Pigeon Shoot, a grandparent’s funeral, or the American Way Fair (not necessarily in that order).  The effect of this migration has been an obvious dwindling in the population.  Right now there are more Whooping Cranes in Mount Carbon than there are people. Just think about that for a minute or two.  Even with such attempts to increase the population with such gimmicks as the newspaper’s annual New Year Baby Contest or the City’s Midnight Baby Parade, the population keeps decreasing.  

Therefore, if our population cannot increase, we need to enlarge our remaining citizenry to fill up the empty space that surrounds us.  I will give you an example. Growing up I used to ride the East Penn buses and all the seats would be filled. Now, in 2012, with the population decrease, the buses have many empty seats.  If we cannot get extra passengers, then it makes sense to enlarge the behind size of the average rider.  Voila. The buses will be filled again. Problem solved.  The same goes with taking the elevator up to the top of the Thompson Building. At one time ten would cram into the elevator before the elevator operator would take off as ten was the maximum capacity. Now one has to wait for an hour or so before twelve people appear. If we can fatten up the population, then we can get the elevator to be filled to capacity after only two or three people get on board. Again, another problem solved.

Schuylkill County has always had a love affair with overeating.  Maybe it is due to our collective depression and low self-esteem.  Over-eating is the perfect solution to our stress, our depression, our loneliness, our fear, and our anxiety. And I thank God for that. Manna from heaven. 

Remember that over-eating is part of our culture, our history. Isn’t Schuylkill County the birthplace of the “all you can eat Scrapple Breakfast Buffet?”  Didn’t that restaurant near Garfield Square, Phase II, get a place in the Guinness Book of World Records for largest amount of French fries ever served on one plate?  If you say no, then I was lied to all of my life which will only make me more depressed, stressed out, and anxious. 

Folks, we need to fatten the population up at the earliest age possible.  I want our toddlers to resemble hams. All of them. Not just a few. I want baby fat to remain for life. I want Jellyroll.
 If I ever get to be County Commissioner I would have every Thursday be a trick or treat night for starters. I would rename JFK Pool after Ted Kennedy.

Then I would use Amsterdam as a model to transform the County into a tourist magnet.  Just as Amsterdam’s lenient drug laws attract tourists, Schuylkill County could increase the portions of every meal and every beverage. New Yorkers would flock to Schuylkill County seeking out 32 oz birch beer sodas, baconburgers, two footlong hoagies, and unlimited amounts of pure transfat and lard.  Yuengling Dairy could reopen once again and increase its fat content to levels never dreamed of.   Our downtowns would be filled with restaurants.

 Our streets would be filled again, even if only a few people are waddling along. 

holiday traditions

My holiday season has been great so far. It started off early with a huge multi-ethnic breakfast at home combining the best of Chanukah, Christmas and Chwanzaa - The three C's as we call them. While the rest of my extended family enjoyed the potato latkes, I consumed the thick Pennsylvania Dutch thick ham, all smothered with pineapples, cloves and drenched in raisin sauce. Why? Well it is important to eat fruit during the winter months to keep regular - I highly recommend this meal to everyone.

Years ago we used to walk around the downtowns to shop and look at the festive displays. These downtowns no longer exist as we knew them, and ditto with the Malls. Psst...have you been in Steve & Barry's or Value City lately? So our newest family tradition is to walk around Renninger’s Market and take in the sights of the season there.

It is a great festive place to get support stocking stuffers, and even the support stockings to stuff or to wear.

After parking our SUV on the grounds (warning: there is no valet parking) we immediately entered the grand Hall and headed to the booth to get tickets for the one of the best kept secrets in the area. No, I am not talking about what really goes on in the local township massage parlors; I am talking about The Sounds of Light and Ice Christmas Show. The show has become so popular that you need to reserve tickets ahead of time.

Yes, we all know that Renninger’s Market is renowned for its architecture, boutiques, fine dining and people watching. It is a pop culture phenomena often compared to Venice Beach in California, but many are unaware that it transforms itself every winter into a wonderland filled with colorful displays and fragrant aromas (a combination of poinsettas and smoked sausage); and almost no one knows of the dazzling ice skating extravaganza on the pond which is located behind that exclusive shop that sells used hubcaps and rusty tools. This show puts the Mummers’ Ferko String Band to shame when it comes to old fashioned holiday family entertainment.

With a few hours to wait until show time, we strolled the aisles with the other hundreds of serious sophisticated shoppers all looking for those specials gift for those special someones among the dizzying array of merchandise for sale. Mammy bought some pre-owned VHS tapes – including the complete Saw series - and a tee shirt that proclaims “I’m With Stupid.”

While I trying to figure out who her special someone is, I bought three pounds of frozen herring. We then sat in on the auction for two hours placing bids on every thing that was offered for sale - from Artic boots to Yahtsee games.

Looking at our watches that we purchased earlier at of the many bally-hooed kiosks, we filled up our paper plates with Nachos and cheese and headed out to the bleachers set up for the show. The view was perfect from our seats as the larger Marketeers sat behind us. The music was piped in from the auctioneer’s amplifier while we watched the supersized skaters perform on the ice in their native costumes of bib blue jeans. The pond is not arena size but it is adequate for the half-dozen skaters that dazzled us with pure energy. At one point we thought that some of these skaters might fall through the ice but it did not happen, disappointing the little ones in the audience. Maybe next year kids.
While there is no dancing fountain to watch, you might occasionally see someone shake up a birch beer letting it spurt into the air. If you want to see dancing fountains, I say go to Longwood Gardens, but if you want some good birch beer, then come to Renninger’s Market, available for your consumption at one of the many chic funnel cake and french fry stands that are nestled on the premises.
The enchanting music, by the way, is supplied by North Manheim Steamshovel, an eclectic group of local road crew workers and Rest Haven residents performing holiday pop music with synthesizers as well as the traditional Schuylkill County instrument, the flutophone, in a New Age style.

Yes, North Manheim Township is noted, not only for its red light, adult entertainment district that is bustling along Route 61, but also for its Christmas extravaganza at “The Market.”
I recommend that you take in both this holiday season.