March musings

With parades in both Pottsville and Girardville I am Celticly exhausted.
You have to admit it though; Girardville’s parade, although great, was not the same without Clinton marching.
Yes, I understand that both Hillary and Bill had busy calendar engagements. Hillary’s was with some foreign dignitary and Bill’s was with Miss March and Miss April, but why no Chelsea or Roger? The closest we got to a Clinton was listening to the rollicking bag pipe rendition of George Clinton’s “Nubian Nut” performed by the soulful Heckscherville Hiberianators.

Wanting to look fresh for the Girardville Parade, I decided to take my kilts (all soiled after the ten minute Pottsville parade and the ten hour Humane fire house extravaganza) to the cleaners in Schuylkill Haven.

Mammy stayed home and tried her best to recondition our plastic green hats.

Did you ever try getting dents out of plastic green hats? It is very, very difficult and usually you end up with noticeable, white creases, but Mammy has the magic touch to bring old plastic hats back to life.
I had trouble getting into Haven as it was St. Joseph’s Day, when the town celebrates the return of the geese to Stoyer’s Dam. Apparently the so-called “Miracle of the Geese” is the second biggest event in the town, only surpassed by the raucous Burro Day in late September, when the burros finally chase the birds away.
As the large birds wing their way back to their summer home in “the little borough that could,” the town takes on a fiesta flair and visitors from all over the county, from all walks of life, gather together to witness this marvelous aviary wonder.

Who can forget the romantic Pennsylvania Dutch song, “Wenn die Gänse zum Schuylkill Hafen zurückgehen?” It was #1 on WPPA’s Hit Parade back in the 1950s for eight consecutive weeks.
It was the first 45 rpm that I purchased; now looking over my stock portfolio it was the best investment I ever made.
Yes, the return of our fine feathery friends has captured the imagination of hundreds; giving us all goose bumps. When I am asked to give an analogy for the sheer excitement of watching the birds dive bomb into town, I can only compare it the tingling feeling that I get sitting through the last two rounds of the Spelling Bee.

Spell that t-i-n-g-l-i-n-g. tingling.

After dropping off my kilts at the cleaners I planned to immediately head down to Stoyer’s Dam but two things stopped me. I no longer had my protective green plastic hat which would shield me from the large goose droppings. Secondly, Mammy called and said that she could not salvage the plastic green hats despite the tedious hours she spent on the task.
We would have to properly dispose of the plastic green hats. I told her that I would hurry home and help her determine if the dented hats were #1 PET plastic or #2 HDPE plastic so that the hats could be properly picked up on Recycling Day.
So I never did get to see the geese arrive back in Schuylkill Haven, but for the life of me I could not get that song out of my head. All during the Girardville Parade, while I stood hatless in my clean, crisp highlander kilts, I was haunted by the melody of the birds drowning out the tedious marching bands.

“Wenn die Schwalben zu Schuylkill Hafen zurückkommen
That' s der Tag, den Sie versprachen, zu mir zurückzukommen,
als Sie flüsterten, ‘Abschied’, zu Schuylkill Hafen
Twas der Tag, den die Schwalbe heraus zum Meer flog…”

What's good for the goose, is not good for Schuylkill Haven

This is based on my article printed by the Pottsville Republican which was read by practically no one, and for good reason, as it was in the 9/11/2001 edition.

Has Schuylkill Haven lost its mind? Apparently, “the little borough that could” has decided to breach the Migratory Bird Treaty Act and declare war on the Canadian geese that have peacefully immigrated to the community under the pretext that this so-called "foreign menace" has made the community foul by its large amount of bird droppings. I think this is a lot of crap and I am sure that the Canadian envoy to Schuylkill Haven will be recalled once the first local Elmer Fudd fires the first shot at a goose waddling about. This will bring the relations between Schuylkill Haven and Canada to an all time low. Canada Dry ginger ale is already being horded in town in anticipation of a retaliatory embargo. I could not even one can for sale at Brok-Sel’s or Boyers IGA. How am I expected to make highballs this weekend?

Already the long simmering war of nerves has escalated with the Borough Council dropping leaflets into the Columbia Heights section of town that borders Stoyer’s Dam. The Dam is now under the control of the rebel geese and the leaflets demand that the geese surrender peacefully. The leaflets contain nothing more than propaganda and lies; promising that all birds that surrender will be interned and treated humanely under the Geneva Convention until repatriated to Canada. I say, all lies! Reliable sources have told me that the Borough is making plans to transform the old Walk-In Shoe factory into a pillow factory featuring…you guessed it…Canadian goose down! I get goose bumps just thinking about it.

The geese are not bird brains and a resistance movement is under (web) foot. They have renamed the territory they control “Le Parc de Bubec” where a large underground gaggle is planning to fight to the finish under the Quebec flag. The fecal bombardment that has terrorized some squeamish Schuylkill Haven residents will soon escalate to biblical proportions. There will be no winners, only losers. Our citizenry will be nothing more than sitting ducks.

The Borough Council announced that force is necessary as the fowl are continued to be fed - ignoring all of the “do not feed” signs. Yet have you noticed that none of the signs are in French? Sacre Bleau!! How in the heck does Council expect these birds to understand the prohibition when they cannot read English?

It is still not too late to give peace a chance.

We have to remain calm calmly and not get our feathers ruffled. One suggestion I have is for the borough to bring in Collie dogs to keep the geese within the water. Local taxes could be raised to support this peacekeeping collie force. Think about it, Burro Day could be replaced with Collie Day. Dogs are more popular as pets than mules, so attendance should increase. If the taxpayers are unwilling to support the collies and squawk at the cost, then snapping turtles could be purchased. Supposedly the turtles feed on geese eggs. Another suggestion I have is for the Borough to play loud music around the clock to terrify the birds. I can donate "We Didn't Start the Fire," "She Bangs," "Ebony and Ivory" and "The Macerana" to this non-violent approach that I am proposing provided I get my CDs back after victory is achieved. I think this suggestion of loud music be tried before all-out war breaks out between Schuylkill Haven and our fine feathered, but greatly misunderstood, friends. Maybe we could get former Attorney General Janet Reno to oversee the operation given her experience with the siege at Waco, Texas. Does anyone know her number?