American Way Fair Memories

                               (sometimes good material just appears to fall out the sky)

 

 

                                           Say it ain’t so, Joe! 

Pottsville is losing its American Way Fair!   Another  loss to the downtown reeling from the loss of Pomeroy's, the Necho Allen Hotel, and the underground rest rooms. The tragic news came unexpectedly, as the $17 million Union Station was built, in part, to handle the influx of tourists, sightseers and street urchins that came to the annual Fair, boosting the city's economy.

All we have now are our memories to hold on to.  Man, it was one hell of a downhill ride, and I loved every minute of it.   How does one describe the AWF to the uninitiated?  For starters, try watching such films as “The Easter Parade,” “One Flew Over the Coo-Coo’s Nest,” “The Wizard of Oz,” “State Fair” and “The Grapes of Wrath” simultaneously.

Go ahead. I will wait until you are done…… You can get all of these films at the Red Box in the downtown Giant Supermarket….. Hurry up. I am waiting……

                                        (later, the next day)

                                               See, wasn’t I correct? 

 I did forget to mention that the new movie, “Mr. Peabody and Sherman” has a small scene in it, where the talking dog and his pet boy get into the Way-Back Machine and travel back to Pottsville in 1976; the year that the Fair opened.  It is a short five minute scene and only features the American Way Surplus Swine Flu Shot Tent with crowds of people lining up to get immunized with surplus swine flu vaccine, before Mr. Peabody yells to Sherman, “Hurry up, boy. Let’s get the hell out of here!”

I was there at the first fair.  I loved every minute. 

It opened on a solemn note, with the ecumenical blessing of the funnel cake batter, a prayer for those afflicted with disco fever, and a moment of silence for all of those who overslept. Then the Mayor and the Winter Carnival Mascot, Pottsie Ottsie, took to the podium to declare the official opening.

But, before I continue, think about 1960 when Senator John F. Kennedy visited Pottsville and removed his hat when speaking at the Garfield Diner as he tried to catch the attention of one of the Diner’s  waitresses.

From that moment, the men of Pottsville forever stopped wearing hats. Unfortunately they proceeded to burn down all of the city’s haberdasheries, leveling them into what we know today as parking lots.  In a similar manner, in 1976 the men of Pottsville stopped wearing shirts at any downtown fair after the mayor removed his polyester leisure jacket and polyester shirt to welcome the participants. 

His Honor was a hell of an emcee, bellowing out those immortal words, now taught to children in every middle school, home school, cyber school and charter school:

  “…You've proven to the world that several hundred people – and I call you people because I am one - can get together and have eight hours of fun and music and have nothing but fun and music, funnel cake and Italian Sausage, and I God Bless You for it!”  

Fortunately. while the men tore off their shirts after that announcement, no men’s clothing stores were damaged.  We have our level-headed mayor and the Pottsville Police Commissioner to thank for that.

From that moment on the AWF became synonymous with bare-chested men showing off their pasty, beer barrel abs. Noted linguists contend that the term “man boobs” became acceptable part of our English vernacular due to that historic, opening fair in the heart of the anthracite coal region.

It was then time for the music to begin. The Pottsville Kilties then performed, playing the melodic “Afternoon Delight” on their bagpipes while perched high atop the rooftop of the Park Hotel. A truly magical ‘70’s moment.  There was music of all variety was heard that beautiful day. For instance, there was Little Andy singing “the Disco Duck Polka” while Country and Western sensation “Wee” Willie Whistle doing a Texas swing version of “Play That Funky Music White Boy”  and the Byzantine Choir doing a somber, slow version of “(Shake, Shake, Shake) Shake Your Booty, ” in the Ruthenian language.

 Wasn’t the music of the 1970’s the greatest?

Besides watching two transient street people, affectionately known to all as "The Captain and Tennille" play tennis on East Norwegian Street in a match unrivaled since Wimbledon, one of the athletic highlights of the fair was the 400-meter bed race with beds from all of the local furniture stores participating. There were teams from Nathans, Levitz, Brighters, Rombergers, Pomeroys and Sears going bed-to-bed with Tenenholz’s, Ufbergs, and Sisweins.  The local betting parlors were very busy that day with frantic wagering on which furniture store would win.   The winner, by the way, was a Chippendale bed from Tuzon’s, a 30-1 long shot. In last year's bed race, Goodwill was the only contestant.  Betting fell off precipitously.

The American Way Fair is now history.  Some say it will be like Philadelphia’s American Bandstand and relocate out west. Rumor has it that it may reappear in a year or two in Tower City, Sacramento or Rough and Ready. We can just hope.

All we have left are cherished  memories and perhaps, some Italian sausage or funnel cake shoved in the back of the freezer.  Thank you Billie, thank you Joe and thank you to all of the others who played any role in the AWF and that awesome, Sunday afternoon delight!

 

 

 

I too support the !@%$#% Bill of Rights

I cannot believe that the Gilberton’s Chief of Police has a youtube video that has gone viral in a few days, being watched by hundreds of thousands, while my blog, after years, is stuck in the mid-thirty thousand hit range.  

This makes me very depressed.

 My shrink told me to cheer up and forget about it. He told me that people now a days are more interested in the visual and that my blog requires reading. People just aren’t into reading like they used to be.

My shrink told me that maybe I should spice up my blog with some profanity and violence. He said that maybe would get more hits if I did this. If I did it right I could even get elected to a school board.

 You know, he’s probably right.

I watched the Chief’s video. It was well-directed. A little light on plot but the video should appeal to the Nintendo crowd.  It was also well acted, a combination of early Brando, Lenny Bruce and Don Knotts.  Two thumbs up.

 I too believe in the 2^nd Amendment (except for that stupid first part about having a well-regulated militia, that was probably snuck into the Amendment by Ben Franklin when no one was looking. I never trusted that guy).

 I am the staunchest 2nd Amendment proponent around. I am against background checks, frontground checks, sideview checks, wheat checks or any other kind of checks. The 2^nd Amendment says nothing about checks. 
 My interpretation of the 2^nd Amendment is that any person should be able to own any type of firearm that the person can pick up with one hand. It is that simple. I call it the one-hand rule. If you can’t pick it up with one hand, you can’t own it.  Very simple. This eliminates the right to personally own a cannon. No one can pick up a cannon with one hand. Go ahead and try it.

If you have a disability that prevents you from picking up the gun with one hand, then tough noogies. You can’t own a gun. If you are worried about protection but can't pick up a gun, the Hillside SPCA is flooded with pit bulls. Take a ride over and pick one out.

Some say this is preposterous. What about the mentally ill? Those with dementia? Those with Fregoli Delusion? Mad Cow Disease? The very young? The very restless? The fast? The furious? To those critics who would deny these people the right to bear arms, I say, read your F%&#  Constitution, or at least watch the #@!!% video version.

 

 Aren’t these F%&;*# people citizens of the F!&;?@#!#%&! U. S. of A. too? Aren’t they protected by the &#%!@?!" Constitution? If they can pick up a &#%!@?) gun with one hand, then who the F has the right to deny them their Friggin rights!!!! (My shrink told me using "the F bomb" will guarantee to triple my hits on the blog. Middle school kids absolutely love it).

Our Bill of Rights has been trampled on for years; just read Article VII: “In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved.”

I once sued an old hook-up. She drank a bottle of my Friggen Tanqueray gin one weekend (the weekend of the American Way Fair, if you are really nosey) and she refused to pay me for it after we split up the following Monday and went our separate ways.

You know that bottle had cost me about 27 Friggen bucks.  I went to the Friggen Squire’s office and demanded a Friggen jury trial.

                                                                
                                         I. never. Friggen. got. one!

What about my Friggen Constitutional right to a Friggen jury trial as promised by Friggen Article VII?  Not even in Friggen Gilberton do they give citizens their full 7^th Amendment rights.

My shrink told me I should throw some video showing off my support of the 2nd Amendment into the blog.  He said it should increase the traffic to my site and increase my hits. So here it goes.  It contains some violence. I hope it works. I hope I go viral.

Keep coming back.
 

 

Happy Orthodox New Year!

                 All Hail the Orthodox New Year Baby!

                                                   

January 13th is New Year's Eve in St. Clair and its bedroom community of Arnot's Addition.        S Novym Godom!

My predictions for the Orthodox new year 2013 are as follows:

Nativity High School will begin closed door negotiations with the Pottsville Housing Authority and Barefield Development to transform the building into a high-end, no-income condominium complex geared to ambitionless youth population.  A snag in the negotiations arises over the proposed replacement of the large illuminated cross with a giant illuminated number "8." The number, of course, is to honor the housing program that has made the city what it is today.
 
The Winter Carnival pageant will be marred by a wardrobe malfunction when the Carnival's beloved mascot, Pottsie Ottsie, accidentally exposes a snow ball.

Pottsville will conduct a major "quality of life" criminal sweep handing out dozens of tickets in April to the out-of- shape men walking shirtless along Centre Street when the temperature hits 60.
Pottsville School District will have difficulty selecting a football coach causing the school to replace football with hacky-sack.  Attendance will surge.

Yuengling Dairy will not receive a "quality of life" ticket from the Code Enforcement Officer who is determined to fight blight.

The Mother's Memorial in Ashland will suffer from a severe case of hemorrhoids.

Schuylkill Allied Artists will feature tattoos for the first time.  Attendance will surge.

Liposuction will cease to be offered at the Pottsville American Way May Fair after the Republican-Herald reporters expose the hidden fact that the removed fat  is used at the near-by funnel cake stand as cooking grease. Another Pulitzer prize is not far away.

The Pottsville Club will  announce that shirts and shoes are no longer required for dining. Membership will surge.

Twenty will be injured during the Orwigsburg Bicentennial's rake-fighting competition. This is the most injured since the Orwigsburg Centennial celebration in 1913. 
Leiby's Dairy in Tamaqua will unveil a new ice cream named "Cherry Knowles." Production will soar, surpassing the output of its best selling Red Beets ice cream.
This year's winning spelling bee word will contain the letter "e."

If large sodas are outlawed, only outlaws will have large sodas

I understand that there is a movement to ban the sale and possession of large containers of sodas and other soft drinks just over the state border in New York.   You say that it should not concern us as New York is so far away.  Well I remember as a child when fireworks were first banned in New York.  It did not take long for that ban to come to us.  So much for the Second Amendment. Now instead of roman candles we must entertain ourselves with sparklers and those snakes that stain your sidewalks.

For some reason or another, these misguided activists are concerned over the increase in obesity.  I oppose such a ban. If ever I am asked my opinion on the so-called obesity epidemic, I say “bring it on.” 

 For years we have seen many of our youngsters graduate and leave Schuylkill County, never to return, except for perhaps an occasional visit to attend the Pigeon Shoot, a grandparent’s funeral, or the American Way Fair (not necessarily in that order).  The effect of this migration has been an obvious dwindling in the population.  Right now there are more Whooping Cranes in Mount Carbon than there are people. Just think about that for a minute or two.  Even with such attempts to increase the population with such gimmicks as the newspaper’s annual New Year Baby Contest or the City’s Midnight Baby Parade, the population keeps decreasing.  

Therefore, if our population cannot increase, we need to enlarge our remaining citizenry to fill up the empty space that surrounds us.  I will give you an example. Growing up I used to ride the East Penn buses and all the seats would be filled. Now, in 2012, with the population decrease, the buses have many empty seats.  If we cannot get extra passengers, then it makes sense to enlarge the behind size of the average rider.  Voila. The buses will be filled again. Problem solved.  The same goes with taking the elevator up to the top of the Thompson Building. At one time ten would cram into the elevator before the elevator operator would take off as ten was the maximum capacity. Now one has to wait for an hour or so before twelve people appear. If we can fatten up the population, then we can get the elevator to be filled to capacity after only two or three people get on board. Again, another problem solved.

Schuylkill County has always had a love affair with overeating.  Maybe it is due to our collective depression and low self-esteem.  Over-eating is the perfect solution to our stress, our depression, our loneliness, our fear, and our anxiety. And I thank God for that. Manna from heaven. 

Remember that over-eating is part of our culture, our history. Isn’t Schuylkill County the birthplace of the “all you can eat Scrapple Breakfast Buffet?”  Didn’t that restaurant near Garfield Square, Phase II, get a place in the Guinness Book of World Records for largest amount of French fries ever served on one plate?  If you say no, then I was lied to all of my life which will only make me more depressed, stressed out, and anxious. 

Folks, we need to fatten the population up at the earliest age possible.  I want our toddlers to resemble hams. All of them. Not just a few. I want baby fat to remain for life. I want Jellyroll.
 If I ever get to be County Commissioner I would have every Thursday be a trick or treat night for starters. I would rename JFK Pool after Ted Kennedy.

Then I would use Amsterdam as a model to transform the County into a tourist magnet.  Just as Amsterdam’s lenient drug laws attract tourists, Schuylkill County could increase the portions of every meal and every beverage. New Yorkers would flock to Schuylkill County seeking out 32 oz birch beer sodas, baconburgers, two footlong hoagies, and unlimited amounts of pure transfat and lard.  Yuengling Dairy could reopen once again and increase its fat content to levels never dreamed of.   Our downtowns would be filled with restaurants.

 Our streets would be filled again, even if only a few people are waddling along. 

My Top Ten Predictions for the Orthodox New Year

This year my new year resolution was to avoid any discussion on the New Year baby and so far I have kept my word. Best wishes to the mom, baby and the anonymous donor!

On January 13th, the Orthodox New Year's Day, I will formally announce my Predictions for 2011 in the Walmart Lobby. Since I received my associate's degree in hocus pocus from McCann's, I have been hailed as the true successor to Nostradamus.

To those of you that have no life and continue to read this blog I will give you a head's up on these predictions. So take solace my friends. Print them out and put them away to keep score next December. I have only been wrong once; that was when I erroneously predicted that the Three Pennsylvania Dutch Tenors' Groundhog Day CD would go platinum.

TOP TEN PREDICTIONS FOR THE ORTHODOX NEW YEAR

10. At the Sovereign Majestic Theatre members of the scientific community will present irrefutable proof that space aliens have indeed made contact with earth by premiering a startling documentary on the Pottsville American Way Fair.

9. During the upcoming Commissioner Race a “birther conspiracy movement” will spread rumors that the Mayor of Mount Carbon is not as youthful as he claims to be. The growing demands for the release of his birth certificate will divert attention from the pressing issues.

8. At the September County Real Estate Tax Sale, the entire borough of Shenandoah will be sold to a Saudi Prince - with Mahanoy City included in the sale - after the investor agrees to pay in cash! Ironically, within three years the Prince will demand his money back.

7. A new Dead Sea scroll will be discovered near the Rock along the Schuylkill River south of Port Clinton giving rise to a new religious sect as well as to a new pun - “Rock and Scroll" which results in yours truly being tossed off off the Rock.

6. The American Medical Association (AMA) will make a major announcement that will send shock waves around the world declaring that bleenies indeed cure flatulence.

5. Full body scans will be instituted at the Schuylkill County Fair after Congressman Holden delivers a check to cover the costs of the extra large equipment that is required. Three oversized women will appear with the Congressmen in a newspaper photograph accepting the check.

4. In a controversial development, the County Commissioners will issue a proclamation declaring mayonnaise the official condiment of the county's bicentennial celebrations resulting in both a stunning defeat for the north-of-the- mountain horseradish supporters as well as dozens of arrests throughout the county.

3. The Yorkville Burger King will select a commoner wife from Minersville. A royal wedding will be held at St. Patrick’s Chapel in early Spring with the reception to follow at...you guessed it...the Burger King.

2. My parole application will once again be denied.

1. In a move to increase its membership, the stodgy old Pottsville Club will forego its strict dress code by experimenting with a "Pantless Wednesday."

_________________________________________________________________

Intelligent Design

Well I'll be a monkey's uncle. February 12th is Charles Darwin's birthday.



What did you think of the Dover School District “Intelligent Design” trial where the plaintiffs argued that the teaching of “intelligent design” is nothing more than biblical teaching of creationism camouflaged in scientific language? The defendants had argued that “intelligent design” means there is some greater power at work and that Darwin’s theory is inadequate to account for the sheer complexity of living things.
The judge was given this Solomon’s task of deciding whether or not there was scientific proof of God’s existence, and if so, deciding whether or not God should be permitted to enter a biology class of a public school. He was also to determine whether the Hail Mary Pass could be used as a football play on public fields.
The trial got off to a rocky start when the plaintiffs demanded to be sworn in by raising their right hands on a copy of “Popular Science” magazine rather than the customary bible that so many witnesses have lied on…I mean relied on…. in the past.
As I said, the plaintiffs’ case was based on the premise that there is absolutely no scientific evidence that there is anything intelligent about the universe whatsoever, and that we owe our existence, not to God, but to the random mutations that have occurred since the “big bang” went off accidentally. While the judge did not permit any reference to either Fred or Wilma Flintstone, he did permit much evidence that was related to Schuylkill County. I will review these facts with you now.
The county connections can be found by perusing the thousands of exhibits introduced at the trial. For instance, the videotape introduced as Plaintiff’s Exhibit #101 captioned “Renninger’s Market on a Sunday afternoon” was more than convincing that intelligent design couldn’t be true. After watching this four hour tape, I was persuaded that no higher being would take credit for what was seen on that tape. Certainly the deity would take the Fifth Amendment if asked. If you don’t believe me then just head south on Route 61 any Sunday afternoon, roam around for a while and observe. While your there, pick up a dozen donuts, some tee shirts, old tools and assorted vegetables.

Days later the plaintiffs called Pottsville’s own Billie Payne as a hostile witness and had her identify photographs entitled “Pottsville May Fair.” A large gasp was heard in the courtroom when these pictures were enlarged for everyone in the courtroom to see. Was a picture of the Pottsville street festival depicting one obese shirtless man eating funnel cake compelling proof of the “random mutation” theory?
The plaintiffs introduced an old Bavarian beer bottle as Exhibit #421 and then introduced a Yuengling beer can as Exhibit #422. These exhibits presented a simple example of the progress made by beer containers over the years. The clumsy glass bottle was hard to open, heavy to hold and was to be returned to the distributor for a deposit refund. The new beer can was easy to open, light to hold and easily discarded along the highway after consumption. This was proof of the theory of evolution.
The same logic was used when an old Pottsville High Yearbook was introduced featuring the majorettes and cheerleaders of the 1930s and then compared with the 21st century Yearbooks. Certainly the contrast of majorettes and cheerleaders over the years proved the case for evolution – it was without a doubt that girls were getting hotter and better looking over time. “Which ones would you want to go out with?” asked the fiery attorney to the witness. While there was certainly no doubt as to the correct answer, the learned judge sustained an objection and the witness did not have to answer (to the relief of his wife sitting in the second row).
Dozens of witnesses testified for the plaintiffs. On cross-examination, they all admitted that it had been utter chaos to travel through Pottsville while the sewer lines were being replaced. The defense argued that the city streets during the project was an admission of a “living hell” and therefore of an afterlife.
Very puzzling indeed, but the plaintiffs were slowly building a case that there was clear and convincing evidence that there is no deity, or if there is a deity, he is playing one hell of a joke on all of us, especially those of us who drove through Pottsville during the sewer line project.

This former altar boy was left completely baffled and bewildered. What if there was no purpose to life? What if it is all a cosmic accident? What if coaches were actually forbidden to allow a Hail Mary Pass during the final seconds of a football game?
The defense’s case crumbled. The court ruled that no intelligent design could be behind either the Pottsville May Fair, Hegins Pigeon Shoot, or the Pierogie Bowl. Intelligent Design could not be taught in the biology class, but the Hail Mary Pass could remain on the football field.
Did this mean that God did not exist? Not really. I thought of the words of the world’s most revered scientist, Albert Einstein … “The most beautiful and most profound experience is the sensation of the mystical. It is the sower of all true science… Science without religion is lame. Religion without science is blind.”
I now felt at peace and turned on the Jerry Springer Show to watch random mutation in action.

The other Thompson Building Plans

The Pottsville Republican broke the story recently of a plan to renovate the downtown landmark Thompson building into college apartments. While many resent the fact that the city is attempting to attract middle-class young people into our city, all plans deserve to be studied carefully. My secret source (actually a blabbermouth from the Eagles bar) revealed to me the "other plans" under consideration for this architectural wonder named after the late gonzo journalist Hunter S. Thompson . I will share them with you right now:

1. Thompson Parking Lot. With the successful transformation of the YMCA into a barren parking lot, many think a new lot at the southwest corner of Centre and Market Streets is the ideal next step to alleviate the critical lack of parking for Roma pizza devotees. The city health department recently cited alarming statistics involving the direct correlation between walking and pizza consumption. “It appears that pizza lovers do not like to walk. It is plain and simple, as well as pepperoni and simple, and extra cheese and simple,” the Pottsville Surgeon General announced. He continued his warning that “The city has a moral obligation to alleviate the suffering caused by the lack of parking near every pizzeria within the city limits. This lack of adequate parking forces people to walk several steps in order to pick up their pies. This is intolerable to a people who have lost the NFL championship in 1925 and have suffered ever since.”

Proponents of this plan believe that if the Thompson building was razed for additional parking, the implosion would attract dozens to the downtown to watch. Furthermore it is believed that Roma would seriously consider painting another sidewalk on the perimeter of the new asphalt parking lot, mimicking the appearance of a real sidewalk and placating those whining citizens who think that the downtown should have sidewalks for pedestrians.

2. The Thompson Prison. With the rise of more activities becoming illegal, there is a pressing need for additional prison cells. The transformation of the Thompson building to the Thompson Prison makes good economic sense. The downtown would have a “captured audience” (no pun intended) to build upon. One main hurdle to overcome is the lack of exercise facilities for the prisoners, but it was determined that the inmates could easily use the nearby Green YMCA parking lot as a prison yard for workouts and exercise. Merchants were betting on the prisoners being allowed “good time” passes every Friday to coincide with their new marketing campaign aimed at criminals. However the merchants were warned by the police that illegal betting has never been tolerated within the city limits. Ironically they could end up being the first residents at the new state of the art Thompson High Rise Prison. Opponents argue that prisoners should not be coddled. Those in favor, however, state that while every cell would contain its own mini-bar and plasma tv, and even though a rooftop tennis court and swimming pool will added, these are necessary to attract a higher caliber of prisoner; absolutely no coddling will be permitted on the premises. If this plan takes off, then Pottsville could eventually rival Allenwood as the choice location for the discriminating, sophisticated convict.

Incidentally, the top floor of the Thompson Prison is an ideal location for conjugal visits. I should know as Mammy and I are members of the legendary Thompson Building Mile High Club :).

3. Thompson Homeless Shelter. The cold-hearted city zoning board recently nixed the idea of transforming Mahantongo Street into a Homeless District, an idea that most Pottsvillians enthusiastically supported. Proponents such as me argued that a Homeless District would have given Pottsville a more 1970s New Yorkish, Bowery-type appearance which hopefully would have attracted the down and out from across the country, increasing the city's declining population and increasing employment for social and mental health workers.

“Right now Pottsville is losing many of its toothless drifters to warmer climates! We have to stop this steady out-migration,” one leading proponent fervently argued, “Although Pottsville leads the county in low income housing and shelters, we should not rest until every house in the city can be classified as low income subsidized housing. We don't want to become another Orwigsburg.”

4. The Thompson American Way Fair Museum. Since the first American Way (a/k/a “May Fair”) was held in 1976 to commemorate the anniversary of something or other, Pottsville City Hall has been flooded with discarded fair memorabilia. Proponents of this plan argue that the American Way Fair is “our generation’s history” and it is being ignored. For instance, the average child today is totally unaware that the idea of fiberglass insulation first came about when some American Way cotton candy fell against the wall of Kep’s corner store.

The next time you go to city hall, ask to look around the basement, but be prepared to cry. It will break your heart to see the voluminous buckets of funnel cake mix, fading photographs of mullet-haired, bare-chested revelers, and crumpled amusement ride ticket stubs all piled up, just waiting for a real home. The Thompson Building may be just the right size to exhibit the artifacts that are now just gathering dust within the bowels of city hall. Such a museum could rival the riveting Mummers' Museum in Philadelphia.