March musings

With parades in both Pottsville and Girardville I am Celticly exhausted.
You have to admit it though; Girardville’s parade, although great, was not the same without Clinton marching.
Yes, I understand that both Hillary and Bill had busy calendar engagements. Hillary’s was with some foreign dignitary and Bill’s was with Miss March and Miss April, but why no Chelsea or Roger? The closest we got to a Clinton was listening to the rollicking bag pipe rendition of George Clinton’s “Nubian Nut” performed by the soulful Heckscherville Hiberianators.

Wanting to look fresh for the Girardville Parade, I decided to take my kilts (all soiled after the ten minute Pottsville parade and the ten hour Humane fire house extravaganza) to the cleaners in Schuylkill Haven.

Mammy stayed home and tried her best to recondition our plastic green hats.

Did you ever try getting dents out of plastic green hats? It is very, very difficult and usually you end up with noticeable, white creases, but Mammy has the magic touch to bring old plastic hats back to life.
I had trouble getting into Haven as it was St. Joseph’s Day, when the town celebrates the return of the geese to Stoyer’s Dam. Apparently the so-called “Miracle of the Geese” is the second biggest event in the town, only surpassed by the raucous Burro Day in late September, when the burros finally chase the birds away.
As the large birds wing their way back to their summer home in “the little borough that could,” the town takes on a fiesta flair and visitors from all over the county, from all walks of life, gather together to witness this marvelous aviary wonder.

Who can forget the romantic Pennsylvania Dutch song, “Wenn die Gänse zum Schuylkill Hafen zurückgehen?” It was #1 on WPPA’s Hit Parade back in the 1950s for eight consecutive weeks.
It was the first 45 rpm that I purchased; now looking over my stock portfolio it was the best investment I ever made.
Yes, the return of our fine feathery friends has captured the imagination of hundreds; giving us all goose bumps. When I am asked to give an analogy for the sheer excitement of watching the birds dive bomb into town, I can only compare it the tingling feeling that I get sitting through the last two rounds of the Spelling Bee.

Spell that t-i-n-g-l-i-n-g. tingling.

After dropping off my kilts at the cleaners I planned to immediately head down to Stoyer’s Dam but two things stopped me. I no longer had my protective green plastic hat which would shield me from the large goose droppings. Secondly, Mammy called and said that she could not salvage the plastic green hats despite the tedious hours she spent on the task.
We would have to properly dispose of the plastic green hats. I told her that I would hurry home and help her determine if the dented hats were #1 PET plastic or #2 HDPE plastic so that the hats could be properly picked up on Recycling Day.
So I never did get to see the geese arrive back in Schuylkill Haven, but for the life of me I could not get that song out of my head. All during the Girardville Parade, while I stood hatless in my clean, crisp highlander kilts, I was haunted by the melody of the birds drowning out the tedious marching bands.

“Wenn die Schwalben zu Schuylkill Hafen zurückkommen
That' s der Tag, den Sie versprachen, zu mir zurückzukommen,
als Sie flüsterten, ‘Abschied’, zu Schuylkill Hafen
Twas der Tag, den die Schwalbe heraus zum Meer flog…”

St. Patrick's Day

Saint Patrick’s Day is approaching and I will celebrate along with everyone else. I have a fondness for the Irish. The current Mrs. Trout is half-Irish for starters and we start each morning with a bowl of magically delicious Lucky Charms. I then shower with Irish Spring soap while listening to my favorite Irish musicians. Jim Morrison for instance. I have downloaded so much U2, the O’Jays, and Sinead O’Connor that I can hardly lift my MP3 anymore and

my cell phone rings to the harmonious melody of bagpipes. I even encouraged Mammy to audition for the local production of “Schuylkill Riverdance” which in now playing at The Santander (formerly Sovereign) Majestic Theatre. Sadly, she was not built for clog dancing and did not make the cut. She will stick to cooking scrapple which we have every morning with our Lucky Charms.
Then there are the entertainers such as Edgar Bergen and his sidekick, Charlie McCarthy, just to name but a few. I love them all.
I also admire the Irish contributions to our political process. For instance Mayor McCheese. I am not talking about former Scranton Mayor Jim McNulty, who is great on WYOU Sunday mornings. I am talking about the chief executive of McDonaldland. Does anyone know what happened to him? He cleaned up the streets of McDonaldland during his tenure and got rid of the Hamburglar. Maybe he could clean up Shenandoah.

I am also a fan of St. Patrick, the man and the legend, and know quite a bit about him. Let me share the information with you.
Last summer, I too had trouble with snakes in my backyard. Apparently a snake found its way down Sharp Mountain and onto my property. The snake became rather pesky and my old lady stepped on it while hanging the wash one sunny Monday afternoon. She immediately dropped her clothespins and notified the Pottsville police. With the help of their sketch artist, the snake was identified as a garter snake. Although it was not the Anaconda we feared, Mammy wanted the snakes out of our yard.
“What does my snake problem have to do with St. Patrick?” you may ask. Well, I had heard that St. Patrick was famous for driving the snakes out of Ireland and I thought to myself “if he could drive the snakes out of an island, then I could drive them out of my yard.”
“How did he get them in his car?” “Where did he drive them to?” “How would I ever get them into my SUV?” “Where would I go with them?” These were just a few of the questions that I had to answer.
I went to the Pottsville Library and checked out every book on St. Patrick and began reading. I found out that Pat was born in Britain, the son of a Roman official. His birth name was Maewyn Succat. I am glad that he changed his name, and I am sure the thousands of men named Patrick are grateful too. At the age of sixteen, Irish pirates kidnapped him. There were no “amber alerts” or photographs on milk cartons in the Fifth century. Life was cheap back then. He was kept as a slave for 6 years before fleeing and becoming a cleric in France. Later he returned to Ireland and converted the place to Christianity, driving everywhere to preach for thirty years. He did drive and is today known as the patron saint of Engineers. However his vehicle of choice was a chariot and not a locomotive, which had not been invented yet. His death occurred on March 17th, 493. Yes March 17th is the anniversary of his death. I doubt that many realize this as Patrick is largely overlooked on the anniversary of his death, pushed aside by the hoopla involving leprechauns and green beer.
As for the snakes, I learned that it was in the Mountain Croagh Patrick supposedly rang his bell and drove those serpents off the island and into the sea. Ireland today has no venomous snakes whatsoever. So maybe it is true, there is a humane way to get rid of them.

I later tried several different bells in my yard without any success. Despite my ringing for hours, the garter snake remained and my yard became overrun with neighborhood children looking for the Mr. Softee ice cream truck. Now I was confronted with two types of unwanted pests.

Orthodox St. Patrick's Day

Late Breaking News: 10:00 A.M. Former President Bill Clinton will participate in the traditional Orthodox St. Patrick's Day Parade which will occur today March 29, 2008 in the tiny borough of Girardville.

As we all know, Orthodox St. Patrick's Day occurs on the first Saturday following Easter when the first full moon rises above the Broad Mountain after the vernal equinox has occurred and Jupiter has aligned with Mars. The exact date is decided upon one year in advance by a committee of religious Scribes, Pharisees, astrological leaders and well-respected bartenders of the community. But to simplify matters, you can bet that it is two weeks after the traditional St. Patrick's Day, allowing the sale of Yuengling Beer to continue long after March 17th.

The last former president to have marched in the Orthodox St. Patrick's Day Parade is believed to have been Ulysses S. Grant, who always liked a good time. Although some historians argue that his appearance was purely accidental due to the onset of some neurological disorder.

Update: 7:00 P.M. Former President Clinton (and possible future first gentleman Clinton) left Girardville - Mission accomplished. He came, he saw, he conquered. There is no doubt that Hillary will win big in Girardville this April. She should sweep every precinct in the borough. The question is: "will her margin of victory in Girardville be large enough to compensate for the expected lower vote totals in Philadelphia, even if the ward leaders can get big numbers in the cemetery precincts?" Only time will tell.

Yes, the Orthodox St. Patrick’s Day was a huge success. Just as Election Day, Christmas and New Year Day are celebrated late, the Orthodox of the area have always celebrated all of the major holidays and events approximately two weeks after the rest of us. St. Patrick’s Day is no different, except that this year, the former President of the United States attended the Girardville Parade this year. He certainly felt at home in an area that is reminiscent of parts of rural Arkansas. Incidentally, he is just another V.I.P. to be Grand Marshall of the Parade, following the likes of Mother Theresa (who wowed the crowd and spent a few hours at the Hiberian House after the parade) and, of course, my favorite, MTV's Flava Flav.

Grand Marshall Flava Flav, 2007

Grand Marshall Mother Theresa, 1988

The parade started approximately one half hour late, which was not unusual for parade of this magnitude. The parade was led by a large group of bearded altar servers bearing candles, fans, banners and other processional implements relative to the festive occasion to honor St. Patrick. The crowd was subdued and somber. Afterwards came a group of deacons, sub deacons, religious elders, Pharisees, Sadducees, and then the barkeeps, all carrying burning anthracite coal for incense, as well as for heating the corned beef and cabbage. Others in the crowd carried icons of Irish heritage such as images of Edgar Bergan, Charlie McCarthy, Bono and Conan O’Brien. The crowd become more lively after the bag pipe brigades, cossack dancers, and the giant anatomically correct leprechaun balloons passed by.

Icon of Edgar Bergan and Charlie McCarthy

Main Street, Girardville during Orthodox St. Patrick's Day Parade

The former president, in the middle of the parade route, stopped the float he was riding on, hopped off and gave a few words of encouragement to the crowd hinting that "the Great Depression may soon be over for the coal region" before tasting a few of the regions finest pierogies, haluskies and bundukies. I understand he filled up a doggie bag, supposedly for his loyal Buddy, who must be pushing 25 by now. Here is a photo of Buddy, who hopes to get back into the White House once again.
The only glitch in the whole event was when the former president was repeatedly told that the correct pronounciation for "Mahanoy Creek" is "Ma-annoy Crick."

It was the greatest Orthodox St. Parade's Parade that I can remember.
I will leave you with a traditional Orthodox St. Patrick's Day toast:
A man that can't say an unkind word, should meet an Irishman. Na Zdorov'ye!