Hegins Coleman Shoot Cancelled

The passing of Gary Coleman did not go unnoticed in Schuylkill County. It seemed to be the second biggest talk of the area, right behind the Pottsville Republican Shenandoah Herald’s front page May 30th article on the New Philadelphia ramage involving Somali pirates. Ironically, the article was retracted the next day, but it sure did liven up an otherwise dull weekend.

The story on the passing of Gary Coleman was not retracted. The paper still stands behind it.

The sleepy village of Hegins took the loss of Mr.Coleman especially hard; flags were all lowered to quarter mast, the general feed store was closed and the chickens refused to lay eggs. The child actor, known for his innocent, charming role as Arnold Jackson in the situation comedy “Diff’rent Strokes” was a cause célèbre in this section of the west end, where the citizenry could not get enough of that long-running television show about the misadventures of a rich Manhattan family who adopt the children of their late African-American maid. Up and down the streets one could hear that catch phrase, “What'chu talkin' 'bout, Willis?" being spoken with a heavy Pennsylvania Dutch accent.
Hegins is different than neighboring Valley View where its population swears allegiance to the geeky Urkel, the character on the popular rival show, Family Matters. This is obvious to anyone driving through Valley View, where just about everyone wears suspenders, while in Hegins belts are worn.
To this day, Sociologists are stumped as to why the difference in opinion between these two conjoined farm hamlets, differences which, at times, erupted into a full fledged, old-fashioned, west end feud.

A review of the history of the villages reveals that at one time, in the 1940s, the popularity of the character Buckwheat from the Our Gang series united the two villages, but with the advent of television, Valley View and Hegins, began to distance themselves from one another. In the 1960s Hegins was beholden to Jerry “The Beaver” Mathers, while Valley View gravitated to his side-kick, Lumpy Rutherford. It got worse as time went on. In fact the scuffles at the pigeon shoot later involved those disciples of Urkel that dispised Gary Coleman and everything he stood for.

Yep, just as Bob Hope was feted with a golf tournament with his name attached, and just as Jim Thorpe had a Pennsylvania county seat named after him, Gary Coleman had a Pigeon Shoot christened in his honor at Hegins. Yes, the Gary Coleman Hegins Pigeon Shoot occurred every Labor Day drawing throngs of fans of Diff’rent Strokes, and those protestors that favored Urkel. Most of the protestors can be seen in the newspaper wearing suspenders. The newspapers got the storyline all wrong and linked the protestors to animal rights, just like the paper recently got the New Philadelphia scuffle all wrong.

Heck, everyone I know is in favor of shooting defenseless birds.

Although the Shoot was named after Gary Coleman, he never attended one event there. But one must remember that Jim Thorpe never set foot in old Mauch Chunk (at least not while he was alive).
Mr. Coleman, at times, would deny any connection with the Shoot, answering any reporter’s questions rhetorically as with his standard line of “What'chu talkin' 'bout, Willis?"

With the passing of Mr. Coleman, it appears that the Hegins Pigeon Shoot will now fold. The high elders of the village will soon meet in emergency session and begin to search for a child actor replacement to rally the people around. I also understand that the shoot will be replaced with a wine and cheese party. Our forebearers would roll over in their graves if they heard that people would gather and eat fondue and drink french wine. Yes, just another downward spiral in the collapse of our culture.

Maybe this time though, the two villages can come to some agreement. It is time for unity.

"It is the east, and Joliett is the sun"

Looking for a romantic getaway that is not too far away? Why not Joliett, located in Porter Township? Most of you probably are unaware that this romantic rural community was named after the better half of those two famous ill-fated Shakespearian lovers featured in a recent Leonardo DiCaprio movie. I am talking about Romeo and Joliett and the village named after the latter is easy to get to. Just hop on your all terrain vehicle and head west when you leave Tremont.
Much of the film’s tragic love story takes place in the west end of Schuylkill County. The story centers on a feud between rival factions of one warring family. I think the feud has something to do with a Rumpf Match that went haywire. During this Rumpf Match, Romeo falls in love with Joliett, a fifteen year old second cousin which enrages the bartender, Escalus, who wants to hook-up with Joliett also.
What happens next is anyone’s guess, as the film is in authentic Pennsylvania Dutch and those English sub-titles move too fast for my nearsightedness, especially when multi-tasking with my buttered popcorn. In the end the tragic couple heads over to Hegins where Joliett is struck down by stray bullet by a participant in the annual shoot who mistakes her for a pigeon when her feet turn inward as she walks towards the funnel cake stand. Romeo then hooks up with Lady Capulet, the manager of the funnel cake stand, who had come to Joliett’s assistance. Romeo and Capulet live together happily for a few weeks, surviving on the profits from the funnel cake stand, her child support payments as well as Romeo’s black lung check. Meanwhile, the grief-stricken townspeople name a village after the fallen heroine.
So much for the story of Joliett.
I highly recommend a Valentine Weekend visit with your significant other to this quaint village. It will certainly get your heart pumping. Yes, you can stroll hand in hand at the edge of a scenic coal bank or illegal dumping site, or sip Porter Ale at the nearby Pick ‘n Shovel bistro, or take off your overalls and boots to soak in an ash tub layered with rose petals in one of the several bed and breakfasts.
Joliett and romance have been synonymous forever and you will discover why. You'll think for a minute that you've been caught in a time warp or you are on a movie set and that you and your love are the now stars of the show. Make sure to take lots of pictures to prove that you really were in Joliett.
If you are interested in a candlelight dinner for two (or three or four if you really want to spice things up) then Joliett is the place to dine, as it is world renowned for its appetizing tastes of Pennsylvania Dutch cuisine, such as sumptuous pig’s stomach finished off with lip smacking Shoofly pie desserts. Having a little wet bottom shoofly will certainly be appropriate to start off your Valentine’s Day evening.

Yes if you are in love (or maybe you just want the little lady to think that you are in love) then come to Joliett and you will go home with memories that will keep "that lovin feeling" alive for years to come. Picturesque Joliett is simply a delight; one of the most attractive towns that give you an instant vivacious feeling of love and romance – as if Cupid just hit you in the behind with one of his arrows. I guarantee you that just one visit to Joliett is a more powerful aphrodisiac than any of the drugs now on the market, with or without a prescription. In fact, if the sensation you get lasts for more than four hours, you should seek immediate medical attention to avoid long term injury.

Remember, the village of Joliett, nestled in the hills of Porter Township, is sure to have a lasting impression on you forever. It did for Mammy and me and someone we met online.

"Good Night,Good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow,

that I shall say good night till it be morrow. Now pass the shoofly pie."

- William Shakespeare, Romeo and Joliett, 2.2

Reflections on the Labor Day Pigeon Shoot

There was a time that "Labor Day" meant "Coleman Pigeon Shoot." This article was first published in the Pottsville Free Press Labor Day, 2004. This one is dedicated to Michael Vicks.

The summer of 2004 is coming to a close without the anxiously awaited St. Clair Bikini contest being held; and the official reason given was that “it would be offensive to the senior citizens of the community.” My, how the passage of time changes people! Some of these offended St. Clair AARP members probably forgot that they were young adults when Brian Hyland crooned his hit, “Itsy Bitsy Yellow Polka Dot Bikini” forty-four years ago. while they frolicked about in Wolf Creek. These seniors probably still have some that swimwear in their closet. Why the turnaround? I just don’t buy into that reasoning.
Looking back, Schuylkill County has had many controversial fund-raising events over the years. I have been reading about them at the County Historical Society and came away with a deeper understanding. For instance, in the early nineteenth century, City founder John Pott, known to town folk as Pott Diddy, started the city’s first Wet Moustache Contest. That event would be attacked in the newspapers, despised by the fairer sex and held up to constant ridicule. “Grown men should not have their God-given facial hair dampened by beer!” Despite such criticism the contest persisted for decades. It wasn’t until the suffragettes won the battle for the vote that the contest was open to city women as well as men. But with the arrival of electrolysis, women’s participation faded as did the contest.
Did you know that in the 1930’s Shenandoah was the scene of the controversial Wet Babushka Contest that was held every Fourth of July at Sandy Beach? However, when Hitler invaded Poland and World War II erupted, a significant shortage of nylon, silk and rayon occurred, crippling the babushka production in northeast Pennsylvania and the contest abruptly ended, never to resume.
The most contentious of all fund-raising events was the infamous Gary Coleman Pigeon Shoot that was held in Hegins every Labor Day. Yes, the star of “Diff’rent Strokes” had this controversial gun shoot named after him. He never attended, but again, the great athlete, Jim Thorpe, never visited Mauch Chunk that was later renamed in his honor. Apparently, the west-enders were simply in awe of the little television star, and it was their way of expressing appreciation. But it was certainly a weird way to show appreciation when you think about it.
The event was based on having diseased, flying vermin imported from Philadelphia to be shot out of a box, one at a time, as each bird tried to fly back to Manayunk or South Street. After being shot or wounded, young boys, preferably those with weaker immune systems than adults, both picked up the carcasses of these dead disease-ridden birds and rung the necks of the wounded ones (always ringing in a clock-wise direction). All the while, the women of Hegins swayed back and forth, performing the frenzied sacrificial ritual dance so often associated with the event; a ceremony reminiscent of the native dance on Skull Island in the King Kong movie.
Philadelphia city officials was so amazed that there was a market for both its waste and vermin in Schuylkill County, that deals were entered for the construction of more landfills to hold not only the imported trash that was in great demand in this area, but also for city vermin. Before all hell broke loose over the Shoot, city rats were on the negotiation table.
Yes, the Gary Coleman Pigeon Shoot was to end in the midst of riot and mayhem. It was inevitable, as even the lowest of God’s creatures have their protectors - be it the rat, the pigeon, or even the whole-life insurance salesman. Word got around the nation via pigeon carriers of course, that birds were being kidnapped off the statues in Philadelphia, blindfolded, and then loaded on boats to sail up the Schuylkill to the west end of our county, to face death by firing squad. Soon the pigeon rights protestors chartered the next canal boat and landed to hold large demonstrations - the likes of which were not seen since the days of the Civil War draft riots in Cass Township. The demonstrations continued for many years, with scores arrested for various offenses such as disorderly conduct, simple assault or impersonating Gary Coleman without a license.
High-level negotiations were held in the county court house to bring tranquility back to Hegins Valley. In fact, Henry Kissinger was called in as a special mediator. With his skills, a truce was signed between the organizers and the demonstrators. No longer would pigeons, rats or whole life insurance salesmen be imported into the County, while at the same time landfills would be increased in size to accept the sought- after urban trash,waste and garbage. Unreasonable demands, such as limiting the size of a pigeon family to two, and having “Diff’rent Strokes” declared the county television show, were withdrawn, making it possible for the historic peace treaty to be signed in the Schuylkill County Courthouse. “Peace with Honor,” declared Dr. Kissinger to the hundreds of news reporters that were camped outside. “Both sides came away from the table with something to crow about,” proclaimed the former secretary of state, who loved a good pun as much as he did the county Bavarian Festival.