Burro Day, 2013

 

 

Don't forget that Saturday September 28th, 2013 A.D.

is Burro Day in

Schuylkill Haven

 

 

The Running of the Burros has changed since Ernest Hemingway first experienced it. Where there were once open doorways and steps that a wayward donkey could maneuver, they've put up barricades. Where once a few Schuylkill Havenites and ex-patriots ran with the burros, now there are tourists from all corners of the world.

 

Where before they ran to show off their machismo, or like that Lost Generation, out of boredom, now they mostly run because of Hemingway, who resided for several years at the Country Squire Motel and who arm-wrestled Gertrude Stein to a draw in the Squire's lounge. But, while many things have changed, just as many have remained the same.

 

The singing of the prayers to Saint John, Saint Peter or Saint Charles, the all night partying at the D & D, the Downtown Tavern, the Uptown Tavern and the Midtown Tavern as well as the Green Goose Playground, and the thrill of being pursued across the Columbia Street Bridge towards the Parkway by an animal that is so slow moving that you would have to have the most incredible of bad luck to be hurt. You would be referred to as a "dumm Scheiße " if you happened to be injured.

 

The "Chupinazo", the Pennsylvania Dutch rocket signaling that the Festival has begun, will burst over your head at noon on the 28th of September and you don your scarves, but the Festival started hours before as the crowds in Le Bubec Parc doubles and re-doubles every 15 minutes, champagne, eggs and bags of flour in hand. 

 

As the drinks and funnel cake are consumed so are the revelers, they begin pelting everyone with eggs, shaking champagne bottles and shooting the contents into the crowd and sailing the bags of flour into the air, so that by the time the rocket bursts overhead, everyone is covered in a smelly funnel cake batter-like substance. It is a glorious time to be in Schuylkill Haven.

 

   BURRO DAY - SEPT. 28, 2013- BE THERE

leave all 67 of us alone

I was reading House Bill 2431 which was introduced in our legislature for the asinine purpose of consolidating local governments into their respective county governments. It was in the August 1^st Republican Herald.

It made me sick to my stomach.

I thought of the sacrifices made by our service men and women who protect our way of life here in the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, the Keystone State, where we can still enjoy a myriad of government officials, their administrative staffs, their workers and assorted hanger-ons - all duplicating services for us, the little people.

Now someone politician wants to take this right away from us.

Well excuse me. I feel sick again.

I don’t want history to repeat itself. I know what happened to Yorkville one hundred years ago. It was once a thriving metropolis, the heart of Germanic culture in Schuylkill County. It had its own government, led by Der Bürgermeister, its own administrative staff, its own schools, its own road crew, its own polizeikraft, its own Hundefänger, and its own currency. In a blink of an eye, all of that was taken away.

The promise that the Yorkvillians would retain their cultural heritage was immediately broken. Immediately the Pottsville City council outlawed German chocolate cake, lederhosen, and techno music – yes, techno music. The only thing left remaining was beer drinking. But the worst was that Yorkville bureaucrats were forced to find employment in the free market. The Yorkville tax collector I understand, when confronted with having to find honest employment, had to be institutionalized, thereby depriving another person of a needed bed at the local asylum. Yes, there still is only one county asylum rather than 67 asylums.... just another reason I am against consolidation.

While the obliteration of Yorkville is widely known, the conquest of Rahn Township, in the east end of Schuylkill County (yes, there really is an east end), has been kept a secret. A top secret.

Rahn Township was a civilization far more advanced than our own. It was a peaceful community with superior knowledge, thriving commerce and advanced technology. Archaeologists have verified that the eight track cartridge was widely used in Rahn Township over one hundred years ago, substantiating the claim of scientific advancement. There is very little other evidence of Rahn Township’s glory days left. Perhaps a few stones from one of the sacred wells or the altar to Poseidon, but that is about it. Despite rumors, there is no proof that Rahnites grew extraterrestrial wheat but the lack of evidence does not extinguish the legend surrounding Rahn Township.

No one predicted the fall of Rahn civilization, but it happened.

The consolidation of Tamaqua with Rahn Township was meant to save tax dollars. A very benign endeavor... “Building permits would be issued from only one department rather than two”... was the rallying cry. Thus began the slide on the slippery slope to oblivion. Within a few years Rahn Township was no more. Its few surviving natives were led off to make the back flaps for the thermal underwear in the factories of Tamaqua, never to return home. The altar to Poseidon was leveled and all the eight track cartridges destroyed.

This is why House bill 2431 must be defeated. Remember that consolidating local governments will eliminate many good paying jobs that have both defined benefit pension plans and other fringe benefits, such as pet bereavement leave. Many of these jobs have been held by families generation after generation. By increasing government we will be increasing employment.

We should be encouraging more local government as an economic stimulus package. For instance Schuylkill Haven could be easily split into several independent municipalities – Smoketown, Columbia Heights and the Irish Flats for starters; each with its own police force, solicitor’s office, dog catcher and street department. Likewise in St. Clair, Arnot’s Addition is just itching for independence, you can see it in the sullen eyes of its downtrodden citizenry.

I don’t want to hear any more bullsh*t about consolidation. I want more layers of inefficient governments, not less. It is our tax money and we should be able to waste it as we see fit. Inefficiency is part of our Pennsylvanian heritage and we must fight to protect it. Local government in Schuylkill County is a beautiful mosaic of 67 distinct units, often compared to the AIDS quilt, and we need to protect every one of those units.

I don’t care that our fragmented system of local government is out of touch with the 21^st century as I always thought that the 19^th century was great (except for the civil war). If Pennsylvania is running out of money then legalize and tax other forms of gambling. Rooster fighting for starters, but please, just let every one of our 67 local tax collectors count the money.

the Schuylkill Rangers

I too have been caught up with all of the pirate news. Most of you, however, are unaware of the pirates that roamed the Schuylkill River years ago. Yes, the Pennsylvania canals were just as infested by pirates as the coast of Somalia is today. Unlike the fast moving cargo ships that can outrun an invader, lumbering canalboats practically invited invasion by these cutthroat buccaneers.
Canallers were at the mercy of the shallow-water pirates. To reach their destination with cargoes intact, the honest boatmen had to be prepared to fight against river pirates, such as the Schuylkill Rangers who travelled up and down the Schuylkill attacking the innocent and the defenseless (but not necessarily in that order).

So bold did these Rangers become that they once attempted to take possession of Schuylkill Haven, a thriving, bustling town along the Canal.

Arrr! me hearty! I heard stories about that episode, when the pirates landed during a Burro Day celebration in a late September, frightening the local wenches by upending the numerous displays of crochet dolls and knick-knacks that were for sale along East Main Street, and taking their plunder, without paying, to their docked ship, “The Rattlesnake” along with several of the town’s favorite geese.
Luckily for the townspeople that before more destruction and mayhem occurred, the pirates boarded their ship and headed north to Cressona where more action occurred at the local “Long John Silver’s” near Connor’s Crossing.
Soon after devouring buckets of fish nuggets the scalawags headed to the Cressona Mall. The pirate captain was a great, massive-shouldered fellow with a big red beard, a peg leg, a crutch, an eye-patch, a nicotine patch, and a brass hook at the end of his left arm. He led his band of men into the Mall to distribute their home-made Boz Scaggs pieces of eight-tracks to unsuspecting landbubbers, as well as dozens of their copyright-infringed Doobie Brothers eight-tracks. With their ill-gotten gains from customers looking for bargains, they all went to Cinema 61 and watched an Arrr-rated movie before boarding “The Rattlesnake” continuing their northward journey to port of Pottsville.
The Captain made sure that “The Rattlesnake” would not have to fend off the yellow plastic ducks that once had almost overcome the ship during an unsuspected UCP duck race. The bright, starry night gave the crew the night vision necessary to complete their journey and avoid any plastic duck attack. Despite some grumblings from some of the crew that wanted to drop anchor near the Dusselfink, to hook-up with some native women, the captain had the ship sail northward with his goal the distribution of a countless number of bootlegged and illegal eight tracks, as well as the plundering and ransacking of Goldie’s Store on Centre Street.
“Ahoy there Mady’s!”
From up in the crow’s nest, the look-out spotted the legendary car wash at the southern end of the city. Pottsville would soon be within their grasp!
The original Transportation Inter-modal Terminal in Pottsville had a port that allowed “The Rattlesnake” to dock along side the East Penn busses.

The City had been alerted and was waiting for the Pirates. The Mayor had mobilized the entire city police force, the Greenwood Hill Fire Department, school crossing guards, meter maids,Winter Carnival Vulcans and Vunlcanettes and even three nuns from Nativity High School.
The fiercest naval battle in the History of Pottsville ensued and the pirates were driven back down the Schuylkill never to return. Thankfully the pirated Doobie Brothers and Boz Scaggs eight tracks never made it to shore.

Piracy would not be a problem in Pottsville for many years to come - until the piracy of pay television began with the arrival of illegal decoder set-top boxes, all sent to the area to satisfy the huge demand for WrestleMania.

March musings

With parades in both Pottsville and Girardville I am Celticly exhausted.
You have to admit it though; Girardville’s parade, although great, was not the same without Clinton marching.
Yes, I understand that both Hillary and Bill had busy calendar engagements. Hillary’s was with some foreign dignitary and Bill’s was with Miss March and Miss April, but why no Chelsea or Roger? The closest we got to a Clinton was listening to the rollicking bag pipe rendition of George Clinton’s “Nubian Nut” performed by the soulful Heckscherville Hiberianators.

Wanting to look fresh for the Girardville Parade, I decided to take my kilts (all soiled after the ten minute Pottsville parade and the ten hour Humane fire house extravaganza) to the cleaners in Schuylkill Haven.

Mammy stayed home and tried her best to recondition our plastic green hats.

Did you ever try getting dents out of plastic green hats? It is very, very difficult and usually you end up with noticeable, white creases, but Mammy has the magic touch to bring old plastic hats back to life.
I had trouble getting into Haven as it was St. Joseph’s Day, when the town celebrates the return of the geese to Stoyer’s Dam. Apparently the so-called “Miracle of the Geese” is the second biggest event in the town, only surpassed by the raucous Burro Day in late September, when the burros finally chase the birds away.
As the large birds wing their way back to their summer home in “the little borough that could,” the town takes on a fiesta flair and visitors from all over the county, from all walks of life, gather together to witness this marvelous aviary wonder.

Who can forget the romantic Pennsylvania Dutch song, “Wenn die Gänse zum Schuylkill Hafen zurückgehen?” It was #1 on WPPA’s Hit Parade back in the 1950s for eight consecutive weeks.
It was the first 45 rpm that I purchased; now looking over my stock portfolio it was the best investment I ever made.
Yes, the return of our fine feathery friends has captured the imagination of hundreds; giving us all goose bumps. When I am asked to give an analogy for the sheer excitement of watching the birds dive bomb into town, I can only compare it the tingling feeling that I get sitting through the last two rounds of the Spelling Bee.

Spell that t-i-n-g-l-i-n-g. tingling.

After dropping off my kilts at the cleaners I planned to immediately head down to Stoyer’s Dam but two things stopped me. I no longer had my protective green plastic hat which would shield me from the large goose droppings. Secondly, Mammy called and said that she could not salvage the plastic green hats despite the tedious hours she spent on the task.
We would have to properly dispose of the plastic green hats. I told her that I would hurry home and help her determine if the dented hats were #1 PET plastic or #2 HDPE plastic so that the hats could be properly picked up on Recycling Day.
So I never did get to see the geese arrive back in Schuylkill Haven, but for the life of me I could not get that song out of my head. All during the Girardville Parade, while I stood hatless in my clean, crisp highlander kilts, I was haunted by the melody of the birds drowning out the tedious marching bands.

“Wenn die Schwalben zu Schuylkill Hafen zurückkommen
That' s der Tag, den Sie versprachen, zu mir zurückzukommen,
als Sie flüsterten, ‘Abschied’, zu Schuylkill Hafen
Twas der Tag, den die Schwalbe heraus zum Meer flog…”

Easter week, Schuylkill style

What it week it was. First St. Patrick’s Day occurred during one of the earliest Holy Weeks that I can remember. This confused everyone, not knowing whether to get palms or shamrocks.
Then before you knew it, it was St. Joseph’s Day. Why is that day important? Well, it is the day that the Canadian geese return to Schuylkill Haven. We headed over to watch them dive-bomb towards Bubeck Park, formerly known as Stoyer’s Dam, to the sounds of practically every fire whistle in town. The whole town assembled in a carnival-like atmosphere to greet their feathery friends who land and make Schuylkill Haven their home until Burro Day in late September when they take off for the south once again.

After watching the avian wonder of nature, it was back to Pottsville for the egg hunt at Pic-a-Pac Park on South Centre Street where the Recreation Department hid eggs practically everywhere. Take a good look when you drive by, there is still a few under the concrete slags. Luckily the youngsters were handed out shovels, weedwackers, and egg detectors so that most of the eggs could be found before the nightly frost set in. I put a small Canadian goose egg in the exhaust pipe of one abandoned vehicle at the park. I hope some lucky child found it before dark.
If that was not enough, we then drove over on Wednesday to Shenandoah to stand in the long line at Kowalanek’s for the Easter kielbassi. Legend has it that it was served at the Last Supper. I am not quite sure about that though. Take a good look at the de Vinci painting; it is hard to see what is on the table.

Our trip was marred only by a heated discussion between a man and a woman who kept up an argument over correct pronunciation. She said it was kielbassi with a long e ending, while he said it should be pronounced kielbass –a, with a short a sound at the end. The Shenandoah riot police quickly took them away and peace was restored. We got inside and packed our grub in our large the coolers and headed back to Pottsville.

As we had reserved tickets, we headed to the famed Peanut Roll Exhibit at the Historical Society, an exhibit that rivals the Faberge eggs that the Russian Tzars collected and displayed. The peanut rolls have a better taste. You know, Carl Faberge made his jewel- encrusted eggs for the Romanovs but none of them could be eaten. Our Historical Society proudly has on display the greatest collection of Mootz peanut rolls ever assembled. Some of these peanut rolls were actually made for John and Maria Pott and the rest of the Pott dynasty when Pottsville was still but a dream. They are not really rolls, but creamy candy balls. If you want rolls, then you have to go to Capitol Bakery.

This Exhibit at the Historical Society allows a visitor to get up close and personal with this fine array of mouth-watering candies. I have been to many a candy museum, such as Hershey’s and the Bazooka Gum Museum, but neither can compare to this local exhibit. Viewing the Mootz collection of historic peanut rolls up close, from all angles, gives the spectator a way to gain a real appreciation for the particular detail, design, and fastidious workmanship of Mootz. It goes to say that photographs (and Mammy took hundreds) will never capture the subtlety of the glow of each unique peanut roll. With the glitter of every peanut roll, each one seems to have a life of its own. The stuff of which their made – vanilla butter cream, dark chocolate and ground peanut – makes them time capsules of Pottsville’s grand history.

Last photograph: Faberge egg which unlike peanut roll, cannot be eaten

I cannot impress upon you the importance of taking the entire family to see the Mootz Peanut Roll Exhibit. It is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to experience the elegance of the Mootz family – legendary candymakers to all of the high and mighty within Schuylkill County, Pennsylvania. Peanut roll wrappers and boxes once handled by legendary County Commissioners, Mayors, Burgesses, and School Directors, and a variety of scallywags are all carefully marked so that you can tell each apart from the other without straining your eyes. Do you know that there is even a half-eaten peanut roll on display which was supposedly left on the bench by the quarterback of the Pottsville Maroons during that championship game? After you promenade in the Easter Parade, why not stop in?

What's good for the goose, is not good for Schuylkill Haven

This is based on my article printed by the Pottsville Republican which was read by practically no one, and for good reason, as it was in the 9/11/2001 edition.

Has Schuylkill Haven lost its mind? Apparently, “the little borough that could” has decided to breach the Migratory Bird Treaty Act and declare war on the Canadian geese that have peacefully immigrated to the community under the pretext that this so-called "foreign menace" has made the community foul by its large amount of bird droppings. I think this is a lot of crap and I am sure that the Canadian envoy to Schuylkill Haven will be recalled once the first local Elmer Fudd fires the first shot at a goose waddling about. This will bring the relations between Schuylkill Haven and Canada to an all time low. Canada Dry ginger ale is already being horded in town in anticipation of a retaliatory embargo. I could not even one can for sale at Brok-Sel’s or Boyers IGA. How am I expected to make highballs this weekend?

Already the long simmering war of nerves has escalated with the Borough Council dropping leaflets into the Columbia Heights section of town that borders Stoyer’s Dam. The Dam is now under the control of the rebel geese and the leaflets demand that the geese surrender peacefully. The leaflets contain nothing more than propaganda and lies; promising that all birds that surrender will be interned and treated humanely under the Geneva Convention until repatriated to Canada. I say, all lies! Reliable sources have told me that the Borough is making plans to transform the old Walk-In Shoe factory into a pillow factory featuring…you guessed it…Canadian goose down! I get goose bumps just thinking about it.

The geese are not bird brains and a resistance movement is under (web) foot. They have renamed the territory they control “Le Parc de Bubec” where a large underground gaggle is planning to fight to the finish under the Quebec flag. The fecal bombardment that has terrorized some squeamish Schuylkill Haven residents will soon escalate to biblical proportions. There will be no winners, only losers. Our citizenry will be nothing more than sitting ducks.

The Borough Council announced that force is necessary as the fowl are continued to be fed - ignoring all of the “do not feed” signs. Yet have you noticed that none of the signs are in French? Sacre Bleau!! How in the heck does Council expect these birds to understand the prohibition when they cannot read English?

It is still not too late to give peace a chance.

We have to remain calm calmly and not get our feathers ruffled. One suggestion I have is for the borough to bring in Collie dogs to keep the geese within the water. Local taxes could be raised to support this peacekeeping collie force. Think about it, Burro Day could be replaced with Collie Day. Dogs are more popular as pets than mules, so attendance should increase. If the taxpayers are unwilling to support the collies and squawk at the cost, then snapping turtles could be purchased. Supposedly the turtles feed on geese eggs. Another suggestion I have is for the Borough to play loud music around the clock to terrify the birds. I can donate "We Didn't Start the Fire," "She Bangs," "Ebony and Ivory" and "The Macerana" to this non-violent approach that I am proposing provided I get my CDs back after victory is achieved. I think this suggestion of loud music be tried before all-out war breaks out between Schuylkill Haven and our fine feathered, but greatly misunderstood, friends. Maybe we could get former Attorney General Janet Reno to oversee the operation given her experience with the siege at Waco, Texas. Does anyone know her number?

from the mailbag: More economic woes

Several years ago the adult book store shut down abruptly in Schuylkill Haven joining the list of many other businesses to disappear from the county landscape. This generated a letter from one reader.


Dear bb:
What is the economic impact of the Schuylkill Haven Adult Book Store’s closing on the county as a whole?
Signed,
Economically Downtrodden

Dear E.D.
Yes, Schuylkill County appears to be reeling from the economic blow caused by the sudden closing of the Adult Book Store. Schuylkill Haven, “The little borough that could,” had never fully recovered from the closure of the Schuylkill Canal, Hardee’s, and the H.L. Miller plant. Now this newest setback! When will it ever end?

For those of you unfamiliar with the Schuylkill Haven Adult Book Store, it was located at the entrance of Penn State – Schuylkill Campus, and it is gone for good. For decades, the campus was easy to find; you turned when you approached the Adult Book Store. It was to Schuylkill Haven, what the City Lights Bookstore is to San Francisco - not only a fixture but a landmark. Now with the store empty, parents are getting lost, increasing the congestion on Route 61.
The economic impact has already been felt by the taxpayers of the Borough created by the loss in revenue once generated by the electric, water and sewer fees from the Adult Book Store. Borough officials are worried about how they're going to fill the coffers next year. Look out residents for another rate increase!

The sudden closing came as shock to many of the employees. "What is happening?'' an unnamed, despondent exotic dancer questioned, "They keep telling us we have a good workforce in Schuylkill County, yet the jobs that pay a decent wage, like mine, are leaving us. I have been here for 30 years and now what will happen to me? I probably will end up relocating to Tijuana or Juarez.'' Yes, more out-migration.
I contacted SEDCO but could not verify the number of lay-offs and transfers stemming from the closure. I asked the question, “Is SEDCO is working to create other jobs to make up for the losses suffered along the Route 61 corridor?” As you might suspect, E.D., the displaced workers may be entitled to educational retraining grants as the NAFTA-Transitional Adjustment Assistance (NAFTA-TAA) was enacted to assist workers who lost their jobs or whose hours of work and wages were reduced as a result of trade with, or a shift in production to, Canada or Mexico but I could not get an answer from SEDCO, as the phone call was disconnected. Whether the displaced skanky employees qualify or not is still unanswered. I also contacted Senator Arlen Spector and left a message at his office telling him to contact me about federal assistance to the displaced local sleaze merchants. Already famous for developing the “Wall of Sound,” and the “single bullet theory,” Schuylkill Countians are betting on the aged Senator to come through one more time, and I am too. I am waiting for his call back.
I also asked a University economics professor her view on the matter and received the following response: “change is constant and businesses will continue to expand and contract. The key to keeping the county's economic development growing is to be proactive in recruitment of new businesses and to help existing businesses expand and prosper. You must remember that the Book Store had to compete with MTV, the SuperBowl Half time show, as well as the internet. That is tough ground to hoe, no pun intended.” My phone call was strangely disconnected once again.

E.D., there is certainly enough blame to go around for the loss of the Adult Book Store. Some is attributable to those local residents traveling out of county for their reading material or shopping on-line. Also, the Chamber of Commerce should have done a better job of promoting a “buy local” mentality. Others place the blame on the Book Store not receiving its long sought after KOZ designation. Who knows for sure, but it is a crying shame, isn't it? However, E.D., the time for finger pointing has past.
Now, E.D., if you are in need of some good adult books to read, I suggest the following: Ten North Frederick and The Sea of Grass, both by local authors. These are all available at the Schuylkill Haven or Pottsville Library. Sorry E.D., neither have live dancers.