Bieber Day, September 18th

I was looking at the list of upcoming events occurring in Schuylkill County in September and I was intrigued by the Bieber Day Celebration in Pottsville. This year it will be on September 18^th as the event changes every year. The change is caused by a combination of the phase of the moon, the alignment of Jupiter and Uranus as well as the midget football schedule. This is according to the Pottsville Planetarium and the midget athletic department.

Why Bieber Day? Why Pottsville? What is the connection? No one is quite sure as there has never been a celebration of one particular individual in the county’s history. Not for John O’Hara, not for Tommy Dorsey, and not for Conrad Richter. A celebration to honor WPPA's radio legend, Wee Willie Whistle, although planned for October 1962 had been cancelled due to the Cuban Missile crisis as well as conflict with the midget football schedule.

This young Canadian pop star has never performed in the county seat. Not at the Sovereign Majestic Theatre, not at the Hippodrome, not at Goodfellas (which technically is not in the county seat but in an appendix to the county seat). Pottsvillians immediately took a shine to the young mop top singing sensation and they agreed to set aside one day in the month of September to honor him. On Bieber Day people from all walks of life will put aside their daily activities. Men will get up from their lazy boys, put out their cigarettes, and turn off their televisions sets. Women also get up from their lazy boys, put out their cigarettes, and turn of their television sets in the other rooms. They will gather together within the garden park that bears the youngster’s name, swaying back and forth to the strains of the Third Brigade Band’s melodic interpretations of his greatest hits. Hits that we all have come to know by heart and now part of the soundtrack of our lives.

Remember the feelings that you had when you first saw the scene in the film Casablanca when Victor Laslo began to sing “La Marseillaise” in defiance of the Germans? Remember how you felt when you watched that for the first time? Do you also remember the feelings that you had when you had your first hole in one at Heisler’s Miniature Golf Course? Now throw in the feelings that you had when your cell phone was in your pocket and it rang and it was set on vibrate? Well multiply all of those feelings by nine and one-half and then divide that by seven and then take the square root of that. This is the level of excitement you will have when you enter the park and participate in your first Bieber Day celebration. You will get a hint of the exhilaration awaiting you as you travel up Market Street after spending the earlier part of the day at Renninger’s Market with the rest of us. You will spot the mini-jams, guerilla dances, and Bieber hair pieces all over the place. This is nothing compared to the goings on within the park where each and every one of us is a player.

This year, Bieber Day is on September 18^th, - coincidentally the 41^st anniversary of the death of a great American guitarist, singer and songwriter- so a special bagpipe salute will occur at 6:50 which will feature lively but respectful renditions of Jimi Hendrix classics such as “Purple Haze” and “Are You Experienced.” This poignant performance should attract those of you old enough to remember Jimi Hendrix, John O’Hara, Tommy Dorsey, Conrad Richter as well as radio personality Wee Willie Whistle. It should also attract those of you who couldn’t care less about Justin Bieber.

At the time this blog is posted it was unclear whether the fire marshal would issue a waiver to allow the musician to spontaneously pour lighter fluid on his bagpipes, burn and smash them on the stage, and then throw the remnants into the audience as his grand finale. Those of us who deny that the bagpipes are really a musical instrument hope the waiver is granted. Pronto. That alone would be worth the price of admission.

presidential debate at the Majestic Theatre!!

The Sovereign Majestic Theatre, downtown Pottsville

(named after the bank whose stock has recently closed pitifully at $10.23/share)

I have a great suggestion for the Sovereign Majestic Theatre located in downtown Pottsville.

I propose that the theatre should be the site of a historic debate between the two remaining candidates in the Democratic presidential race. Yes, the theatre can sponsor a debate which will undoubtedly sell out quicker than the "Schuylkill River Dance" show of last St. Patty's Day.

A lively April debate can be held at a mutually agreeable time, say the opening day of trout season, to be covered live on WPPA, WPAM and T-109 as well as Comcast’s Channel 15 ("the Pottsville Station"). I suggest that the moderator be someone impartial, such as the Winter Carnival’s Master of Ceremonies, who has been grilling carnival contestants with tough questions for over 35 years. In my opinion he's the county's version of Tim Russert.

I would bet my last nickel that such an event would rival Kennedy’s appearance back in 1960 when he uttered his famous words, “Ich bin ein Pottsviller! Tear down this wall” in Garfield Square to hundreds of bewildered well-wishers before heading over to the city pool that bears his name for quick dip. Kennedy in Garfield Square, 1960

It is doubtful that I would ever be selected as a panelist at such a prestigious event, even though I am the brains behind the idea. However, I submit the following questions to be posed to the contestants, Senator Clinton and the new comer who can use some publicity around here. You know, Senator Obama (who the average county resident thinks is named after the largest city in Nebraska):

1. Who is your favorite Dorsey Brother and why? ( Note: I deliberately start out with an easy one to make them more feel more relaxed and comfortable).
2. Assuming you are elected president, what criteria will you establish for granting a presidential pardon? Will you ever consider a presidential pardon for a Koch Turkey Farm fowl at Thanksgiving time? If not, why not, as the people of the Lewistown Valley want to know?
3. You pride yourself as an environmentalist. Therefore, in our struggle against global warming, would you endorse the Kyoto Accord and totally ban jalapeño pierogies?
4. With gas prices spiraling towards the four dollar a gallon mark, what will you do to assist the Pottsville Cruise and make it more affordable for the average cruiser? And will personally buy a Cruise raffle ticket?
5. Dmitry Medvedev, as we all know, is the newly elected president of Russia. Can either of you Senators name the Mayor of Shenandoah and discuss how can the United States improve relations with that difficult Borough?
6. It had been asked in the 1992 election, “Boxers or briefs?” However a more important question was never asked, “Yuengling Premium or Yuengling Lager?”
7. Senator, would you be willing to look directly into the camera and, using simple and unequivocal language, give the people of the city your solemn pledge to restore the NFL 1926 championship to the Pottsville Maroons even if it requires unilateral military action?
8. What can the United States do to ensure that Santa Claus, the sovereign leader of the North Pole, delivers lumps of Pennsylvania anthracite coal to all of the bad children of the world every Christmas eve?
9. We have all heard your positions on NAFTA, but can you now elaborate your positions on ATEECO, SEDCO, PADCO, and REDCO?
10. What effect does global warming have on the future of the Greater Pottsville Winter Carnival? If global warming continues, do you actually believe that our grandchildren will be living in a time when the designation of “Queen of the Snows” is forced to re-titled “Queen of the Slush?”

Leap Year Day

If you did not now it by now, 2008 is a “leap year.” That means an extra day of winter this year just as the groundhog predicted. “Why leap years?” you ask. Just as cars and spines need periodic adjustments, so does the earth. Our calendar needs to be kept in sync with the earth’s motion around the sun. A guest lecturer at the Pottsville Planetarium stated that without the leap years being added periodically, all of our days would get jumbled up, our television shows would appear at the wrong times, and the earth would be propelled out of its normal orbit around the sun and slowly drift off towards Pluto.
You probably thought that leap years occurred every four years to coincide with the Schuylkill County Senior Olympics. How wrong you are. Not about the Senior Olympics but about the raison d’etre of leap years. I came up with this handy Leap Year Guide to help you:
1. Every year divisible by 4 is a leap year. 2008 is divisible by 4, producing the number 502.
2. Forget Rule #1 if the year is divisible by 100. 2008 is not, so remember rule #1.
3. Forget Rule #2 if the year that is divisible by 100 is also divisible by 400. For example, the year 2000 is divisible by 4 making it a leap year. But it is divisible by 100, so it is disqualified and not a leap year. However, Rule #3 once again makes it a leap year as it is divisible by 400. (Pss…the correct answer is 500).
4. The extra day that a leap year gains is traditionally February 29th. The reasons are obvious as the month got short-changed to begin with. Also most people enjoy having one extra day of winter rather than summer.
5. At the stroke of midnight on February 28th everyone must turn his or her clocks back 24 hours. Or suffer the consequences of having the clocks explode.
6. Forget Rule #5 if you still use a sundial. Sundials are generally frozen to the ground in late February.
7. “Even” decades have three leap years in them, while “odd” decades have two leap years in them. I questioned this one as the 1960s was the oddest of decades but it had three leap years.
8. February 29th is referred to as “Sadie Hawkins’ Day” in Joliett, where the women get to marry anyone (man or woman) they can get their hands on. Other parts of the county celebrates it on November 15th.
9. Singers Dinah Shore and Ja Rule are the two most widely known leap year babies in the free world. These two singers made popularized our beloved “gangster rap” music with the likes of “Holla Holla", "It's Murda, "World's Most Dangerous,” "Shoo-Fly Pie and Apple Pan Dowdy", and "Buttons and Bows." Sadly, Ms. Shore passed away but Ja Rule is still alive with the help of numerous body guards. Before her death, Dinah and Ja Rule did collaborate on one Leap Year Tribute album, aptly titled “Buttons and ‘Ho’s.” It is available at Renninger’s Market.
10. Jimmy Dorsey is the most famous Schuylkill County leap year baby. The anniversary of the big band leader will go by largely unnoticed. Schuylkill County likes to honor former school board or water authority directors. He does not fit in those categories. Many believe Jimmy Dorsey was the twin brother of Tommy Dorsey, but they are wrong. Romulus and Remus, Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen, and Chang and Eng Bunker are twins but not the Dorseys.
May you and your family have a joyous, healthy and prosperous Leap Day.

P.S. Stay out of Joliett until the day is over.