Schuylkill County Human Resources Complex: an architectural wonder

There is no mistaking the rich architectural features of the building that sits across the street from Pottsville's City Hall.  It has to be the most distinctive, and innovative architectural phenomena around. It captures the essence of the '70s decade with its manipulation of forms and surfaces. 

 

You might remember the 70s as a time when disco people wore flashy polyester clothing when going to play the daily numbers game on Centre Street.  That was a time long before the advent of pajamas as a day time wearing apparel. 

 

 The orange windows spread citrusy cheeriness to the wayward mothers and alleged fathers who visit the Schuylkill County Children & Youth Center and other visitors who stop at the offices in the Schuylkill County Government Human Services Complex. Those long, narrow windows, fitted with plastic venetian blinds, at first had the ever-present smiling faces.  You know, those two black, blank eyes and wide grin smiling at you constantly. 

 

 It was blissful, welcoming, and optimistic for a city profoundly shaken by the end of the Pottsville Steam Heat Plant which kept the streets warm in the winter. It is not known why these smiling faces were removed. Some say it occurred during the uproar in the early 1990s over the cartoon characters in Garfield Square which spread to other parts of the city.  In any event those idyllic smiling faces should be returned to their rightful place.

 

The architect who designed the building was certainly influenced by the humble sardine can and made the sardine can one with the building. There is no mistake about it.

As for the sardine can-like canopy that graces the rectangular building, the can that inspired the architect is now on display at the Historical Society for a limited time. Some say that the sardine can was purchased at Lotz's Market. Others say it was purchased at the old Acme Market.  Some say they couldn't care less where it was purchased. 

 

 It was also said that when the building was dedicated in the 1970s, the consumption of sardines sky-rocketed, surpassing the combined consumption of funnel cake and beer bologna. Hard to believe. But absolutely true.

 

 

In remembrance of a life cut short

 

Sometimes I find it very difficult to keep a smile on my face. Even if I stand upside-down my smile will disappear, or turn right-side up, depending on whether you are standing on your head or on your feet. In any event the smile is not there anymore. 

When I was younger, if I felt down in the dumps, I would go down to the candy store – every elementary school had a candy store next door – and fork over a nickel and get waxed lips. My candy store of choice was next to the East Ward School in Schuylkill Haven.  Those lips worked for awhile. I could put a smile on my face, at least  until I needed to open my mouth.  After awhile I would eat the waxed lips rather than throw them out.  I never figured the nutritional value of waxed lips.  I must have devoured a ton of them over the years.

 

Today was one of those days in Schuylkill County that I found hard to smile.  A bright, young man with so much promise… taken away by a member of the taliban in far-away Afghanistan.

             I think I am too old now to wear waxed lips to my hide unhappiness even if I could get my hands on some waxed lips.  I recently heard that Pottsville's Surgeon-General had issued warnings about those wax lips. He said they attract near-sighted Zamundian honey bees. The bees, as we all  know, came to America in 1988 by accident when the crown prince of Zamuda visited the American Way Fair. 

           Most of the candy stores next to elementary schools are now gone and I am too lazy to wait in line at Walmart; even though I get to ride in that store on a scooter, along with so many others who ate too much funnel cake and pepperoni pizza over the years. 

Anyway, today's young people are too sophisticated for waxed lips when they can now get tattoos and collagen lip enhancement treatments paid by their parents' medical insurance up to age 26 or through taxpayer funded medical assistance.

  It is the 21st century and Pottsville’s Surgeon General says it is healthy to express one’s feelings rather than hold them in.  So have sworn off waxed lips forever. I will now express myself. So here it goes....

 My problem right now is the struggle that I have with the disharmony between my search for meaning in life and the harsh realities, cruelties and the sometimes meaninglessness that confront us daily. 

Today was one of those days in Schuylkill County as I stood with so many others in line to pay respect to the fallen young hero.  It was a beautiful and sunny day.  A good day for the Belmont Stakes but certainly too nice of a day for a funeral. 

What keeps me going is the lesson I learned from reading Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut.  One must live as a time traveler passing back and forth in time, focusing on the good times, whether past, present or future, but realizing that bad times will be unavoidable along the way. Just don't dwell on them. 

 

 One must also remain wary of antithetical concepts, such as good and evil.  Most of us would want good, but we must remember that good is defined by the existence of evil.  There is evil out there. Always was and always will be. We just have to gravitate towards the good. Keep a moral compass handy at all times.

Today I did not have to time travel.  Today I saw good in Schuylkill County, right here in the present moment in this county where neighbors gathered together from all the county's small communities. Orwigsburg especially felt the pain.  It was unfortunate that the harsh reality of evil brought it to the forefront but good was there. It was up and down West Market Street. Goodness was visible and evil was nowhere to be found.

 On a day that was too nice to be day for a funeral, the sun was shining but so was the goodness in people.  The goodness was apparent on the faces of the countless people standing in line or the people who slowed down while driving by in their vehicles.

Why even the disheveled street people who roost on the other side of Market Street were curious and respectful.

Please keep the young man, who had so much promise, in your thoughts and prayers. He was a credit to the county and the nation.

Quit dwelling on your facebook pages, tweets and your selfie photographs for just a little while.  There will always be time to update your facebook status later when you can tell the world that you had scrapple and scrambled eggs for breakfast which will trigger dozens of insincere "likes" from your hundreds of so-called cyber friends.  

Yes, there will always be time for fun, maybe even time for a little beer pong now and then,  but do try and do something  positive in the world in the small amount of time you are allotted.
 

                           Don't waste it on all on self-absorption.

 

If the world seems too vast and you are as geographically challenged as me, then just do something positive in this small rectangular speck of the universe we call Schuylkill County.  

 

 

 

 

 

a bad day at the donut shop

With the recent release of the Mayor of Mount Carbon’s long form birth certificate proving that he is indeed the youngest mayor ever elected, some have moved onto other topics such as the mysterious crop circles in the Lewistown Valley. But not me.
I spend most of my time ease-dropping on the conversations of others while at Dunkin’ Donuts. I learn a lot this way. I discovered the truth about the Freemasons, the Oddfellows, the Knights of Columbus, the Hibernians, Teen-Age Republicans, the 4-H, and the Eastern Star- just be being a busybody.

From my ease-dropping, I now know that there is a new group attempting to control our county….It is a shadowy group, a modern incarnation of the age-old Iluminati...a group of masterminds plotting to create a New County Order.

The other day, I saw these individuals enter the Donut Shop, I saw them place the same order. Double cocoa kreme puff donuts…two of them…large coffees with half and half. They gathered around the same table, sitting in a rectangular formation. They ate their donuts and drank their coffee while talking about the upcoming election. But there is no emotion. None. Just the pretense of it. Their words, their gestures, everything else is the same. There is no feeling. Not like me when I eat a double cocoa kreme puff donut. Whoo Hoo! Something is passing between them all, some secret. It's a conspiracy, I know it.

I cautiously watched them from behind my newspaper. I read the Pottsville Republican. I pretended to read Doctor Gott’s column on curing flatulence and then a column by Ione Geier who recalled about the night that Tubby Allen go the salt and pepper shakers mixed up at the Pottsville Club.
I glanced over nervously. The men continued to eat their donuts. I thought to myself, “I hope they don’t notice me.” I began to perspire profusely. I occasionally took a bite out of my Apple Cheese Danish and washed it down with coffee. The coffee was hot and black. Just like the coffee the men at the table were drinking. Just like a woman I met down in New Orleans thirty years ago, but that is another story. I overheard some of their conversation. They discussed the eventual take-over of the county. Who? Who is going to take over the county? I started to choke on my Apple Cheese Danish. I told the concerned waitress that I did not need the Heimlich maneuver, but thanked her anyway and told her that I would take a rain check on that. She did bring me a glass of water. It was fluoridated! I refused to drink it. I spit it out. Wouldn't you?
I watched them get up and leave the table. I slowly walked over, I looked down…hmmm….left behind were donut crumbs, a TV Guide and a miserly tip. “Why seventeen cents?” What is the significance? Of course, the primary is on the.... 17th! BUT why TV Guide? I realized that I was onto something really big.

Something is going to happen. It is already in process. I need to get the word out. Who is taking over the county? Who would want to take over the county? Would it be coal operators bent on transforming the entire county into one big Wadesville, having us work fourteen hour days below ground and making us do all our shopping at the company stores rather than at Walmart? Would my daughter, Santana be destined to become a "breaker girl" and have to give up her dreams of becoming a pole dancer? Would it be the railroad operators? Nah….scratch that…. Would it be the brewers? They once had a lot of clout. Nah….The Gas Industry already controls the rest of the state. Nah, not them....I picked up the TV Guide. I noticed that the Food Channel shows were all circled. Yes! I found the clue I was looking for. Then it dawned on me….

"County Commissioner candidate, Gary Hess is connected to food catering...
Controller candidate Brad Petchulis is connected to the sale of meats....Controller candidate Christy D. Joy is connected to catering....The current sheriff is connected to catering....
County Commissioner candidate Larry Padora is in the bakery business.....The County has just published a... cook book!...what kind of recipes do they have is store for us little people?... I have to have that cookbook..I need to get one right away....sooner or later we'll, all of us, be on the menu.... All of us."

Is this the start of the New County Order? If the food industry gets a stranglehold on the county what does it mean? Is it the end of the Atkins Diet? Will all of the gyms and health clubs be shut down? Will the prices of halupkies be artificially manipulated? God help us if they are! Is this a desperate attempt to bring the shadowy Mrs. T back to power so that she can rule over us as if she was Eva Peron, Imelda Marcos or that mysterious female Jury Commissioner we never see? Will it be like that Twilight Zone episode where the Kanamit aliens come down to earth to harvest mankind for some sort of intergaltic gumbo? I dropped the TV Guide, took one more bite of my danish. Whoo Hoo! I quickly exited the Donut Shop, running up and down Westwood Boulevard with my hands frantically waving back and forth, yelling at the top of my voice to anyone who would listen to me. Will you? Please listen to me....This is even bigger than the Mount Carbon birth certificate story.

what's next?

I have lectured for years on what I call “The Domino Theory.” I theorized that if one county came under the influence of home rule, then the surrounding counties would follow suit, discarding the county code. It was called the Domino Theory, not because of the pizza, but what I believe to be this falling domino principle.

Set up dominoes in a row, and then try knocking one over. What should happen is it that the others begin to fall, one after another. Try this experiment at work. Instead of wasting time on your computer or cell phone, bring an old fashioned domino game with you and place the pieces on the floor. Get your co-workers to join in the experiment.

Home rule already exists in several counties in Pennsylvania – Erie, Delaware, Lehigh, Lackawanna. Looking at the map of Pennsylvania, I decided to change the name of my theory from Domino to "The Twister Theory" since the state's home rule counties are not all contiguous. The name comes from the board game in which the players stretch all over a big plastic mat. Mammy and I actually met each other on a Twister plastic mat, so it has special meaning to me. Twister is a lot more fun than dominoes especially if you have the right partner.
Here is a good Youtube video to assist those of you not familar with the game: Twister.

The blasphemous evil, home rule, that began in other counties has now reached our northern border, with the voters recently passing the Home Rule referendum. Lehigh also borders us on the east and home rule is there also. We have double trouble.
Some locals may soon encourage the spread of this unholy doctrine here. As a fundamentalist (with emphasis on the first syllable) I believe that the County Code is something that must be respected and followed, and not discarded and replaced like a year-old telephone directory - remember that even old phone books may contain valuable unused money-saving coupons.

To combat this insidious influence that hovers around us, many suggestions have been proposed. Yes, it may be possible to set up refugee centers for shelter to those fleeing the approach of the menacing new government. Yes, we can beam radio and television programs into Luzerne County promoting the benefits of the three Commissioner form of government. Yes, we can circulate posters with the theme “Keep Calm and Carry On” to boost morale and relieve tensions within our county. Yes, we can commence an economic boycott and stop shopping in counties that have home rule. Shop locally, shop Renninger’s Market! Yes, we can also build an electric fence to protect our borders stretching from Ringtown to Andreas.

So many great ideas! So much time!
I know that I could never live under a governmental system that did not provide two elected ceremonial jury commissioners (one from each major party) and a variety of elected row officers. I would not want Mammy and our children, my children from my prior relationships, Mammy’s children from her prior relationships, and any other children I may have missed to live under such a system.

At this point in our 200 year old history I compare our plight to the plight of the ancient Israelites at the Macarana fortress and I am willing to make the same sacrifice that those defenders made to protect their way of life. I hope you feel the same as I do.

To those who think that I am exaggerating the evils of home rule, I say that it this only the first step down a slippery slope. Soon there will be an attempt to shrink the size of our state legislature and cut back on the legislative perks. After that will be an attempt to sell off the state store system. Maybe some smart-ass will even propose eliminating elected local tax collectors? Where will it end? The imposition of Sharia law? Why don't these people let well enough alone?

Schuylkill County History: Chapter Four

THE CIVIL WAR

When the Civil War broke out in (I think) the middle of the 19^th century. The North (our side) was caught off guard. Our troops were ill-suited for combat. I mean ill-suited literally, as the uniforms that were available tended to droop, making it difficult for the men to march long distances to such southern places as Bull Run, Fredericksburg, Chattanooga or Dollywood.

Schuylkill County was noted, not only for its numerous "hose houses" which feature, to this day, beer bologna floating in a jar of some unknown liquid, but also for its many hosiery mills and garment factories.

When the South (the other side) seceded from the Union, these factories were just in their infancy. In fact, the most notable local garment factory, Phillips Van Heusen, was not yet even opened.

It was indeed a primitive time for the garment industry. There were no designer jeans, no big pecker tee shirts, no Iverson Jerseys, no spandex tights and no tube tops. It was not until after the Civil War that our garment industry took off in full force to bless us with those clothing items.

Yes, there actually was a time in which clothes were made here in the United States, strange as it may sound. And to top it off, Schuylkill County was the epi-center of this fledgling garment industry. Big pecker tee shirts were meticulously stitched by hand right here with patience, skill and a lot of love, probably by many of your mothers or grandmothers; not mass produced in some far-away third world sweatshop.

So when the cry came out for assistance in keeping the soldiers’ trousers from drooping, the women of Schuylkill County banded together to help these local volunteers. The Pottsville Ladies’ Soldiers’ Aid Society created what was would come to be known as “The First Suspenders.” I believe that this effort was led by local native, Amanda Silliman. I am unsure as most of written history ignores contributions by women. That is why it is called His-tory. Through its efforts, local donations, consisting of wooden boxes, filled with suspenders, were sent to the soldiers at the front. No longer would our troops shuffle and meander along because of droopy trousers; now they were able to move at a fast pace. In fact these suspenders are credited for the success of Sherman’s March and also the recognition of race-walking as an Olympics event.

As we all know from grade school, suspenders were first invented in 1822 by Albert Thurston; soon the women of the area began to make thousands of them. They began their project after April 12, 1861, when the Governor of Pennsylvania received a tweet in these words:

OMG! The war is commenced :(

Twittering, in the 19th century, was limited to six words or less, and that is all the news that the Governor received for the next three days.

On April 15th President Abraham Lincoln, on Facebook, issued a proclamation to his entire network calling out the state militia and a request for volunteers. He wanted 75,000 troops. Schuylkill County, at the time had a population of about 90,000 and about 13,000 of the residents eventually volunteered as soldiers of the Union (our side).

Schuylkill County gave one of the largest percentages of volunteers. Yes, some signed up to get out of the house, and others joined because they were the President's Facebook buddies, but most volunteered due to a strong sense of patriotism and a love of country.

They loved this nation and did not want it broken into two. Soon about 500 Schuylkill County men passed through Baltimore on their way to the protect our Nation's Capitol. They marched right through, missing the Orioles game and passing up the Dolphin Show at the Aquarium. Lucky for them, as many Baltimorioles were sympathetic to the South and many more were upset over the Orioles being shut out by the Philadelphia Athletics. They began to hurl bricks and stones at our fast moving troops. One stone hit Pottsville resident, Nicholas Biddle on the head while he was playing his banjo. Our troops, however, were fast enough to get away from the crowd and those rebel-rousers were unable to keep up because of their own droopy trousers. Before long our men arrived in the Capitol and were welcomed by their Facebook friend, Abraham Lincoln. Nicholas Biddle, although the first to shed blood in the Civil War, would eventually fade into oblivion, dying penniless and forgotten. He was never able to cash in on his fifteen minutes of fame.

Read more about him though at this website: Nicholas Biddle.

*WARNING – SPOILER ALERT! The ending to the civil war will be revealed! STOP NOW if you don't know what happens next

The North would win the war and the Union would be preserved. Slavery would be abolished. The South would remain depressed and forgotten until 2010 when the New Orleans Saints won the Superbowl. Incidentally, droopy pants would make a comeback in the last decade of the twentieth century when suspenders went out of style. The last man to wear suspenders regularly was the little drummer boy of Company A, 96th Pennsylvania Infantry by the name of Larry King. He is the man of the last suspenders. And that is the rest of the story.

leave all 67 of us alone

I was reading House Bill 2431 which was introduced in our legislature for the asinine purpose of consolidating local governments into their respective county governments. It was in the August 1^st Republican Herald.

It made me sick to my stomach.

I thought of the sacrifices made by our service men and women who protect our way of life here in the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, the Keystone State, where we can still enjoy a myriad of government officials, their administrative staffs, their workers and assorted hanger-ons - all duplicating services for us, the little people.

Now someone politician wants to take this right away from us.

Well excuse me. I feel sick again.

I don’t want history to repeat itself. I know what happened to Yorkville one hundred years ago. It was once a thriving metropolis, the heart of Germanic culture in Schuylkill County. It had its own government, led by Der Bürgermeister, its own administrative staff, its own schools, its own road crew, its own polizeikraft, its own Hundefänger, and its own currency. In a blink of an eye, all of that was taken away.

The promise that the Yorkvillians would retain their cultural heritage was immediately broken. Immediately the Pottsville City council outlawed German chocolate cake, lederhosen, and techno music – yes, techno music. The only thing left remaining was beer drinking. But the worst was that Yorkville bureaucrats were forced to find employment in the free market. The Yorkville tax collector I understand, when confronted with having to find honest employment, had to be institutionalized, thereby depriving another person of a needed bed at the local asylum. Yes, there still is only one county asylum rather than 67 asylums.... just another reason I am against consolidation.

While the obliteration of Yorkville is widely known, the conquest of Rahn Township, in the east end of Schuylkill County (yes, there really is an east end), has been kept a secret. A top secret.

Rahn Township was a civilization far more advanced than our own. It was a peaceful community with superior knowledge, thriving commerce and advanced technology. Archaeologists have verified that the eight track cartridge was widely used in Rahn Township over one hundred years ago, substantiating the claim of scientific advancement. There is very little other evidence of Rahn Township’s glory days left. Perhaps a few stones from one of the sacred wells or the altar to Poseidon, but that is about it. Despite rumors, there is no proof that Rahnites grew extraterrestrial wheat but the lack of evidence does not extinguish the legend surrounding Rahn Township.

No one predicted the fall of Rahn civilization, but it happened.

The consolidation of Tamaqua with Rahn Township was meant to save tax dollars. A very benign endeavor... “Building permits would be issued from only one department rather than two”... was the rallying cry. Thus began the slide on the slippery slope to oblivion. Within a few years Rahn Township was no more. Its few surviving natives were led off to make the back flaps for the thermal underwear in the factories of Tamaqua, never to return home. The altar to Poseidon was leveled and all the eight track cartridges destroyed.

This is why House bill 2431 must be defeated. Remember that consolidating local governments will eliminate many good paying jobs that have both defined benefit pension plans and other fringe benefits, such as pet bereavement leave. Many of these jobs have been held by families generation after generation. By increasing government we will be increasing employment.

We should be encouraging more local government as an economic stimulus package. For instance Schuylkill Haven could be easily split into several independent municipalities – Smoketown, Columbia Heights and the Irish Flats for starters; each with its own police force, solicitor’s office, dog catcher and street department. Likewise in St. Clair, Arnot’s Addition is just itching for independence, you can see it in the sullen eyes of its downtrodden citizenry.

I don’t want to hear any more bullsh*t about consolidation. I want more layers of inefficient governments, not less. It is our tax money and we should be able to waste it as we see fit. Inefficiency is part of our Pennsylvanian heritage and we must fight to protect it. Local government in Schuylkill County is a beautiful mosaic of 67 distinct units, often compared to the AIDS quilt, and we need to protect every one of those units.

I don’t care that our fragmented system of local government is out of touch with the 21^st century as I always thought that the 19^th century was great (except for the civil war). If Pennsylvania is running out of money then legalize and tax other forms of gambling. Rooster fighting for starters, but please, just let every one of our 67 local tax collectors count the money.

population increase

I read in the paper that Schuylkill County’s population has finally increased after a steady decline since 1930. The paper credited “fewer deaths and more births.”

Well I am certainly doing my part by staying alive. I have eliminated the cheese from all of my Big Macs and Double bacon burgers. And as for tobacco, while it is healthier than crack, let’s face it, it cannot be considered a health food. That is why I have cut down to one pack of Camels a day.
There are also safety changes that I integrated into my lifestyle. I now have a hands-free cell phone in my SUV. Now I don’t have to be distracted with the phone and I can concentrate on my driving and changing discs in the DVD player while I am on Route 61.

My new motto is “One hand on the wheel, the other on my Fast Forward button.”
My drinking and driving habits have also changed. With gas now costing $4 a gallon, it is cheaper to drink than to drive. So I drive less and drink more, pocketing the change, laughing all the way to the bank.
With these lifestyle changes I hope to last to a extremely old age lingering, forgotten and alone, in a bed; helping to keep our county’s population stable. I now have a living will that requests that I be kept alive by any means necessary and that, if possible, I be transported to Mount Carbon so that I can help keep that town’s numbers up even while comatose.

We also need to thank our local prisons for helping to keep the population up. We not only have the County jail in Pottsville but two state correction facilities north of the mountain, and a federal prison in Minersville. Hopefully more human behavior and activities will become illegal in the future so that additions can be built onto these facilities to make room for the next generation of criminal and increasing the county’s numbers to boot.
I am not sure how many residents are at these facilities, but I would bet that once released most inmates would leave the county. Therefore we should all write to the Pardon or Parole Board objecting to any type of early release until the next census is taken, lest our numbers decrease.
I understand that many girlfriends of prisoners with their children already relocate to the area temporarily to be close by. This should be a signal to the Chamber of Commerce to begin a massive “in-big-house” promotion to retain these mostly young people from leaving the area.

Lastly, the paper failed to give due credit to the humungous rise in illegitimacy in the county. We need to thank these young women for doing their part to keep the population numbers up. If a young girl had to wait until she married and was financially able to support a child, the number of births would be dramatically down. If it wasn’t for these frisky youngsters, Schuylkill County could face extinction, just like the Dodo Bird. That is why I am such a big supporter of the New Year Baby Contest, middle school baby showers, Eighth grade proms and slutty clothes for pre-teens. I say, get the youngsters interested in procreating as early as possible. Entice them with prizes and photo ops in the newspaper to keep our county’s numbers up. Some naysayers argue that I am foolish for advocating such a policy. They claim “young girls are ready or able to properly care for a baby.” I reply with one word, Hogwash! That is what social workers, foster parents, food stamps, and the Women’s Shelter are for. At next year’s Pottsville May Fair I plan to sell five inch, yellow rear car window signs that proclaims “bastard on board” as well as bumper stickers that read: "Honk if you're a bastard" and donate all profits to the winner of the New Year Baby Contest provided the baby’s parents are not married (to one another). Will you buy one to help keep the population numbers up?

Remember when it comes to population, its quantity, not quality.

The Atkins Diet Schuylkill County Connection

Dear b.b.

I heard there is a connection between the Atkins diet and the County. Is that true?

Signed, Wondering

Dear Wondering:


I was flabbergasted to realize that there are people like you with neither a sense of history nor local pride. Did you not ever hear of the Atkins Mansion in Pottsville? From the ignorance shown in your letter it appears not.
What if I told you that Hope Tower (affectionately referred to as the Old Moose Building), located at South Centre and Mauch Chunk Streets was once a leading center for nutritional advancement? What if I told you that local hero Charles Atkins – the famed industrialist and Exalted Moose Lodge President- was a diet guru to boot? Would you believe me? Probably not.

Did you not ever hear of the controversial “Schuylkill food pyramid” promoted by Atkins but ridiculed by the so-called professionals? If you did not, I can probably guess what were you doing during your high school home economics class.

Atkins was a clear visionary; one not to be content with the typical 19th century diet. He thought that nutrition should be exalted as a true science, along with the other sciences, such as biology, botany and astrology. He researched the basic eating habits of his neighbors and developed his famous “Schuylkill Food Pyramid” which overturned many longstanding beliefs and rearranged the foods that we eat into basic building blocks. He arranged these blocks into pyramids after several failed attempts at parallelograms and circles. Circles were a disaster.
Many local residents, you and your like included, have forgotten that Atkins created this pyramid, as well as instituting the many changes in the way we eat today. So many of you take for granted the fact that we eat hoagies with two hands, a radical departure from the dining habits of the 19th century. You have Atkins to thank for that.
The foundation of his pyramid would no longer be the “serf diet” eaten by our ancestors, which consisted of porridge, gruel and turnips. From now on, the basic foods of the day would be the protein “building blocks.” Most of this protein could easily be obtained by a high consumption of hot dogs, scrapple, beef jerky, bologna, summer sausage and, of course, gravy.





Eggs were to be considered just as important as the meats. Atkins espoused the nutritional value of pickled eggs that float in jars for days in barrooms; eggs that you and so many other ignoramuses eat without ever given a thought to the creator while in a local tavern.
Poultry was also important. Atkins touted the nutritional benefits of eating both city chicken and Buffalo wings. In fact, he started the first Wing Night in the county. A proud tradition carried on to this day where young adults can consume as many chicken wings (dipped in bleu cheese or ranch dressing) as possible at a greatly reduced price.





As for legumes and beans, they were only to be consumed if they were made into a soup and served at a block party and washed down with healthy cold beer, which he thought to be a magical elixir which cured most ailments as well as increased one’s self-confidence and ability to attract the opposite sex.
Seafood was considered taboo due to his fears of high mercury content. In fact, the only seafood he proposed be eaten was a small amount of Swedish fish, which are soft and chewy and are similar to gummy bears in shape and texture. They have a flavor that lasts from head to tail. Many of you may remember that these Swedish fish were quite popular at the Capitol and Hollywood Theatres years ago. You have Atkins to thank for that.
Moving upwards on the pyramid, we find the good carbos such as bleenies and Tasteycakes. Bleenies eaten on a paper plate or paper napkin provided an individual with sufficient fiber to keep oneself regular and avoid constipation, thereby eliminating the necessity for fruit and vegetables. If one gives in to temptation and wanted to indulge in fruits, then Raisinets, peach snapps, and Fruit Loops taken separately or together were acceptable. The only vegetable permitted is tobacco.
Climbing to the top, you reach the dairy products level; important for the calcium to make the strong bones and strong teeth needed to work in the Pottsville steel mills. For this he recommended Eskimo Pies, Fudgesicles, Reddi Whip, Cheese Whiz and Milk Duds.
Lastly Wondering, Atkins also cautioned his male compatriots that there was one food that should be avoided at all costs, and that was, of course, “the wedding cake.” It is a pity that so many failed to adhere to his warning.
That is the story behind the Atkins Diet: Schuylkill Style.

from the mailbag: More economic woes

Several years ago the adult book store shut down abruptly in Schuylkill Haven joining the list of many other businesses to disappear from the county landscape. This generated a letter from one reader.


Dear bb:
What is the economic impact of the Schuylkill Haven Adult Book Store’s closing on the county as a whole?
Signed,
Economically Downtrodden

Dear E.D.
Yes, Schuylkill County appears to be reeling from the economic blow caused by the sudden closing of the Adult Book Store. Schuylkill Haven, “The little borough that could,” had never fully recovered from the closure of the Schuylkill Canal, Hardee’s, and the H.L. Miller plant. Now this newest setback! When will it ever end?

For those of you unfamiliar with the Schuylkill Haven Adult Book Store, it was located at the entrance of Penn State – Schuylkill Campus, and it is gone for good. For decades, the campus was easy to find; you turned when you approached the Adult Book Store. It was to Schuylkill Haven, what the City Lights Bookstore is to San Francisco - not only a fixture but a landmark. Now with the store empty, parents are getting lost, increasing the congestion on Route 61.
The economic impact has already been felt by the taxpayers of the Borough created by the loss in revenue once generated by the electric, water and sewer fees from the Adult Book Store. Borough officials are worried about how they're going to fill the coffers next year. Look out residents for another rate increase!

The sudden closing came as shock to many of the employees. "What is happening?'' an unnamed, despondent exotic dancer questioned, "They keep telling us we have a good workforce in Schuylkill County, yet the jobs that pay a decent wage, like mine, are leaving us. I have been here for 30 years and now what will happen to me? I probably will end up relocating to Tijuana or Juarez.'' Yes, more out-migration.
I contacted SEDCO but could not verify the number of lay-offs and transfers stemming from the closure. I asked the question, “Is SEDCO is working to create other jobs to make up for the losses suffered along the Route 61 corridor?” As you might suspect, E.D., the displaced workers may be entitled to educational retraining grants as the NAFTA-Transitional Adjustment Assistance (NAFTA-TAA) was enacted to assist workers who lost their jobs or whose hours of work and wages were reduced as a result of trade with, or a shift in production to, Canada or Mexico but I could not get an answer from SEDCO, as the phone call was disconnected. Whether the displaced skanky employees qualify or not is still unanswered. I also contacted Senator Arlen Spector and left a message at his office telling him to contact me about federal assistance to the displaced local sleaze merchants. Already famous for developing the “Wall of Sound,” and the “single bullet theory,” Schuylkill Countians are betting on the aged Senator to come through one more time, and I am too. I am waiting for his call back.
I also asked a University economics professor her view on the matter and received the following response: “change is constant and businesses will continue to expand and contract. The key to keeping the county's economic development growing is to be proactive in recruitment of new businesses and to help existing businesses expand and prosper. You must remember that the Book Store had to compete with MTV, the SuperBowl Half time show, as well as the internet. That is tough ground to hoe, no pun intended.” My phone call was strangely disconnected once again.

E.D., there is certainly enough blame to go around for the loss of the Adult Book Store. Some is attributable to those local residents traveling out of county for their reading material or shopping on-line. Also, the Chamber of Commerce should have done a better job of promoting a “buy local” mentality. Others place the blame on the Book Store not receiving its long sought after KOZ designation. Who knows for sure, but it is a crying shame, isn't it? However, E.D., the time for finger pointing has past.
Now, E.D., if you are in need of some good adult books to read, I suggest the following: Ten North Frederick and The Sea of Grass, both by local authors. These are all available at the Schuylkill Haven or Pottsville Library. Sorry E.D., neither have live dancers.

Norwegian township vs. hiking trails

Several years ago there was a plan to build hiking trails in Schuylkill County. Apparently this met with the ire of several norwegian township residents who protested loudly thereby proving that empty barrels do make the most noise. I did some anthrapological research in the township and came up with ten reasons why the uproar over hiking trails:

• Wherever hiking trails were built, family life as we know it has been destroyed



• Children who take up hiking forget about the more important things in life, such as internet chat rooms and video games



• Once a hiking trail is opened, the township would become overrun with girl scouts hawking their cookies



• The area proposed for hiking trails could be put to better use, such as sites for illegal tire dumping



• If God had meant man to walk in the woods then he would not have created the television remote control



• Anyone who has read the "Pied Piper" or "Little Red Riding Hood" realizes the hazards of hiking trails



• If hiking became popular it create a shortage of lederhosen and knee socks that the local factories could not fill



• The noise from hiking boots treading on dirt and gravel is deafening



• MarLin does not need anymore gnomes, leprechauns, and hobbits wandering in and getting friendly with the Marlin womenfolk.

Tamaqua School District Dress Code

I had lots of fun writing this one. The material was great to work with.

Way to go Tamaqua! You are now the center of the greatest constitutional crisis in our nation since the days of the American Civil War; all because the Tamaqua school district has adopted a policy that flies in the face of the American principle that I hold dearly (I am referring to “principle” and not “principal” as in Mr. Weatherbee of Riverdale High School). I am not referring to freedom of the press or religion, as they pale in importance. I am referring to the four freedoms espoused by Franklin Roosevelt: The freedom to wear whatever I want to wear, whenever I want; the freedom to be disheveled; the freedom to wear over-priced, brand name clothes and the freedom to have the "right look" in the school yard, whether it is goth, punk, emo kid, prep, jock, hippie, or redneck.
Somehow the school board has lost touch with reality. Don’t these board members realize that to be really “cool” and overcome teenage insecurities and self-doubts, the students have to wear the “right clothing,”otherwise they are unable to learn anything.
Anyone with a grasp of our nation’s history realizes that our founding mothers and fathers sacrificed their treasure and split their blood so that their descendants could dress as they pleased. Yes, the battle cry now heard in the Lewistown Valley goes back to the days of the American Revolution. I dusted off my old American History book and rediscovered some basic facts that truly are self-evident. Did you know that Patriot Patrick Henry stood up at the podium in the Virginia Statehouse, raised his fist in anger, crying out the immortal words, while dressed in his ‘76ers Iverson Jersey and oversized shorts, “Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased a the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me my Big Pecker tee shirt or give me death!” Oh! How we forget! You owe your right to dress as a Red Hot Chili Pepper during biology class to old Pat Henry.
Pat Henry’s emotional plea set off a tremor that rocked all thirteen colonies. Soon Betsy Ross infuriated her teachers by wearing a dress that exposed her legs. When threatened with expulsion and a day in the pillory, the brass young woman screamed out, “Don’t expel me until you see the whites of my thighs.” All I can say is “Right on, Betsy! You go girl!”
Another controversial figure was Bostonian James Otis who supported the cause of freedom by announcing, “A dress code that doesn’t permit underclothing from showing is tyranny.” This simple spark of liberty - to wear one’s underpants on the outside visible for every one to see - triggered the greatest movement towards freedom and democracy that the world has ever witnessed. Years later, Pennsylvanian Ben Franklin, just back from France and its Enlightenment, introduced la frie to the clamoring public. While eating these thin strips of potato, Pennsylvanians read his Poor Richard’s Almanak’s daily fashion tips promoting the idea of young girls dressing like French whores. A very enlightening idea! His belief that a young girl should dress slutty lay dormant for almost two hundred years, but is now the norm among freedom lovers everywhere. Thank you Ben Franklin! Incidentally, you may not know that Franklin received his nickname of “Big Ben” due to his love of wearing his trademark bicycle shorts while walking bare-chested around Rittenhouse Square. If you don’t believe me, just get a hold of a fifty-dollar bill and look closely for yourself.
This purely American credo to dress “down and dirty” continued from the 1700’s until the present. The Tamaqua School Board has no right to crush this freedom that blood was spilt for. Don’t these board members remember that in the 1950 young Rosa Parks refused to get off of her school bus just because she wore her spaghetti strap tank top emblazoned with the words “bootilicious” and her micro shorts? Her bravery touched off the massive civil rights struggle to wear what we want, when we want. This is what American freedom is all about. The Tamaqua School District’s policy is just the first step in crushing every freedom that we know and love.
Noted educator and bluesman, Booker T. Washington, before he recorded his smash hit “Green Onions” eloquently wrote that “the whole purpose of school is to be able to accentuate and flaunt one’s behind and other bodily parts; dress codes interfere with this natural phenomena.”
I say, “Damn the dress code! Full Steam ahead!” How dare we allow some elected school board member from questioning our God given right to come to class wearing bandanas on our heads, muscle shirts and our pants down around our crotches. I want to express myself whenever I please, just as the founding fathers and mothers pleased themselves. Take a look at the famous John Trumball painting of the Signing of the Declaration of Independence, which hangs in the U.S Capitol. Most of the signers are all wearing the same style of designer, brand name clothing. Preppy Tom Jefferson’s Izod alligator is clearly visible to the naked eye. Nothing has changed with time. Now, over 200 years later many Tamaquan students want to wear Abercrombie & Fitch clothing such as fitted t shirts and baggy ripped jeans, hoping that they will be fit into the mass media’s artificially created clique of pretentiousness. Luckily they have the support of parents who rightfully believe that their children’s creativity will be damaged unless the kids are permitted to dress all alike in expensive designer labeled clothing or goth wear. These parents have their priorities right when it comes to school involvement. I say that we should all stand behind the kids and protect their constitutional right to buy their proper identity as determined by the corporate advertisers, Hollywood and MTV. They are certainly mature enough to realize that true happiness is gained by purchasing the proper named brand goods, even if they max out the family credit card. Isn’t that what the pursuit of happiness is all about? It certainly is!