New Year Baby Contest Cancelled

 

     NEW YEAR BABY CONTEST CANCELLED AMIDST PANDEMIC

                               City in a tizzy

  

Pottsville City officials met late into the night at zoom meeting to discuss the fate of one of its most beloved events – the annual New Year Baby Contest.  For nearly 200 years the contest brought tears to the eyes of both mothers and reluctant fathers, who all vied for a chance to win prizes donated from downtown merchants.  Records indicate that in 1827 the chief burgess proclaimed that the town would reward fertility on the beginning of every calendar year with modest prizes awarded.  Miss Priscilla Boyer, the first recipient, received a quart of sauerkraut, lace-trimmed pantaloons, two candlesticks and dinner for two at the White Horse Tavern.  The father, a nameless itinerant peddler, would have received a brass spittoon but it was never claimed. The spittoon was eventually escheated to the state where it sits today in a corner.  

With the COVID-19 virus enveloping the nation, the weary Pottsville Surgeon General held a press conference on March 18^th from his booth at the old Eagles Club on South Second Street, still strewn with tattered St. Patrick’s Day decorations.  He crushed his cigarette and told the reporters that he was recommending social distancing - a practice that would obviously make conception much more difficult.  He also announced that people should follow his example and drink alone, releasing a catchy slogan, “If the virus makes you cough and groan, don’t fret and just drink alone”   before rambling into his theory on the curative effects of boilo.  When pressed on the cancellation of social events, he took a wait and see attitude on the future of the New Year Baby Contest and Senior Olympics. 

The cancellation of the 2021 New Year Baby Contest immediately sent shockwaves throughout the city.  At its peak in the 1970s hundreds would camp outside the Pottsville Hospital for several days and nights waiting for the winner to be announced and hoping to catch a glimpse of the baby; with many of the men curious as to who the baby looked like in a time before the discovery of dna testing.  The contest was also good for the local economy as the numerous downtown bookies worked overtime as thousands placed bets on whether the baby would be a girl or a boy ( a practice now outlawed), the height and weight of the child, color of the eyes, and the number of hairs on the baby’s head. 

The cancellation is especially difficult on many young girls who already are in the dark wondering if their school would reopen. And now this.

No Winner!

                        No Winner Declared in New Year Baby Contest

The Republican Herald has announced that there was "no winner "in the 2014 New Year Baby Contest as the mother of the child requested to remain anonymous. 

This has created the biggest mystery to hit Schuylkill County since 1995.  That was the year that Fox TV aired the “Who Shot Mr. Burns?” episodes on the long running Simpsons Show. Schuylkill County came to a halt that year.

The weeks leading up to New Years Day (all of which occurred in December) had Schuylkill County  bookies cashing in big as hundreds of Skooks placed bets on the whether the parents of the child would be married to one another, as well as the name of the child, or whether the name would be pronounceable, or the sex of the child, or what grade the mother of the child was in.   

Most of the bets were placed in small amounts with every bettor just wanting to connect to child in some way.

“Never underestimate Schuylkill County’s obsession with the New Year Baby,” said the paper’s editor, “It is generally such a big story.  It is our biggest selling paper of the year. It outsells the paper's recipe contest winner edition.  This contest happens before the College Football Championship Game, the Super Bowl, and the Winter Carnival….it fills the void of our betting public.  It gives a purpose to many to carry on; a purpose to live for.  However, this year all bets are off.  This is the worst crisis for the paper since 1995 when our investigative journalists erred in announcing that Moe Szyslak had shot Mr. Burns. We forfeited the Pulitzer Prize that year.

"

 So far, reports indicated that the money was on Tayshaun, Kriztafher, or Pittman if the winner was a boy.  If it was a girl, the money was on Cicada (every 7 years this is the favorite), Yaritza or Tayshaun.  The public will now never know.   Mammy Trout had placed a $5 bet on the name Dasia, and a larger $25 bet on that the child would be born to parents who were both adults married to each other.  The payoff on the latter would have been huge. Now her betting slips are worthless. 

 

The outgoing chief of police was asked whether the bookies will have to refund the wagers as there is no winner. “Bettors have been anxiously clutching onto their betting slips for weeks now.  Nothing like this has ever occurred.  There is no precedent. We are in unchartered territory.  I may turn the matter over to the incoming District Attorney to investigate.”

Pottsville’s Surgeon General was also interviewed at the Eagles Club. “I hope the money wagered will just make the pot bigger for the 2015 contest.  I understand that if the winning baby was a child named Tayshaun born in wedlock, it could have resulted in a nightmare for the bookies because of the money that they would have had to pay out." 

He continued, "I have to remind the public that despite the hoopla surrounding the birth of the new year baby, if one places a lot of money, say one’s Christmas bonus, on the legitimacy of the child, then that person may have a problem….  All too often gambling addiction begins with seemingly innocuous bets like these. Now, I need to excuse myself as I am heading off to Mohican Sun.  Better luck to all in 2015. ”

All hail new year baby 2014!

 

The anticipation builds. More excitement it seems than over the selection of Pope Francis.  Schuylkill County awaits the arrival of its newest citizen. 

Times have changed since the early days of the contest. Now the winning mother and the father (if properly identified) may be entitled to free paternity testing, free day care, section 8 housing, heating subsidy, cell phone (with unlimited texting), legal services, food assistance, medical assistance, and educational grants. 

To keep up with the times the dry cleaning prize has been changed from cleaning of suits and dresses to cleaning of  sweat pants or pajamas for either parent.

 

The local bookies are waiting to place your bets.  

 

entries now available

I picked this up today at City Hall, better hurry....

tonight's the night.
http://blogs.the-american-interest.com/wrm/2013/03/19/americas-baby-problem/

Happy April Fool's Day.....

trout's mailbag: The Schuylkill Tripartite

             

Dear Mr. Trout:

I have heard the term “Schuylkill Tripartite” but do not know what it means? Do you? I thought it has something to do with toppings placed on a cheeseburger at Renningers Market.

   D.K.

  North of the Mountain

                                             

Dear D.K.:

The Schuylkill Tripartite is a rural legend that has been around for decades. 

It refers to one individual sweeping three of the major events held in Schuylkill County within one calendar year. 

It makes no difference if the calendar is Gregorian, Julian or Chinese.

 A hat trick to some, a triple crown to others, but the winner must win three.

  Legend has it that a county woman during the
 second world war gave birth to the new year baby
 while the father of the child was far away in the
Pacific on his way to Bora Bora. He was an 
anonymous sailor from Dauphin County, she was a
riveter at Eastern Steel.  They hooked up after a few 
drinks at the Circle Bar one lonely April night in 1942
 while the Andrews Sisters played on the juke box, if
 you really want to know.

The legend continued with her winning the Pottsville Cruise in a 1931 Opel but this victory was shrouded in controversy as  by the end of 1942 half of the U.S. automobiles were issued an “A sticker” which allowed only four gallons of gas per week.  This limited the number of cars in the cruise that year to only five, all driven by females as the Cruise regulars all joined the navy and were somewhere in the Pacific, near Bora Bora. Four of the drivers got lost along the way. Many criticized the winner for driving a german car, resulting in cabbage being hurled towards her (cabbage was called victory lettuce back then). This caused the new year baby, in the car seat, to get really fussy.

To make amends, she organized the County’s World War II Rubber Drive and she, by herself, collected one ton of old tires, rubber bands,  raincoats, rubber duckies, teethers, garden hoses, whoopee cushions, goulashes, rubber chickens, koosh balls, bathing caps, hot water bottles, balloons shaped like animals and rubber gloves (not necessarily in that order).  This was all done single-handedly, mind you, as she was holding the new year baby the entire time in her right arm.  That year, Schuylkill County collected more than any other county in the entire United States that year thanks to her. 

The Historical Society has photographs of the large pile of whoopee cushions being bundled for transport at the Union Station.  Every single whoopee cushion in the county was donated during this patriotic endeavor and 1943 will be forever remembered as the County's "quiet year."

After the Rubber Drive ended, in front of the Capitol Theatre and in front of the heap of collected rubber, Mayor Claude E. Lord Boulevard presented the key to the city to her while she was nursing her prize-winning baby. His Honor announced that that she was the Tripartite Champion of the county for winning the new year baby contest, the cruise and the Rubber Drive (as well as possibly winning the second world war too boot). This is the first time the term was supposedly used.

"For evermore no married woman nor married man will ever win the New Year Baby Contest" according to Mayor Boulevard’s proclaimed prophecy; a prophecy which has come true now for over seventy years.

 Any resentment over her driving the Opel during the Cruise soon vanished as the crowds gave her a thunderous applause, causing the New Year Baby to get really fussy. The Third Brigade Band sprang into action, playing a slow lullaby which caused the crowd, the baby, the Mayor and the Tripartite Champion (not necessarily in that order) to fall into a deep sleep. They did not wake up until the war was over or.... so the legend goes.

Over the years the legend has the Tripartite Champion winning the county Spelling Bee, the Shenandoah Kielbossi eating contest, the Hegins Pigeon Shoot, the Girardville Bar Crawl, the Klingerstown Greased Pig contest, the Schuylkill Haven fishing rodeo or the Pottsville Republican Recipe Contest. 

Some contestants have come close, with some winning two events. In 1957 one lucky teen won the New Year Baby Contest and the Spelling Bee, but she came in a disappointing third in the Soap Box Derby due to trouble with the baby seat. 

 I hope this answers your question.

Sincerely,

Trout

Happy Orthodox New Year!

                 All Hail the Orthodox New Year Baby!

                                                   

January 13th is New Year's Eve in St. Clair and its bedroom community of Arnot's Addition.        S Novym Godom!

My predictions for the Orthodox new year 2013 are as follows:

Nativity High School will begin closed door negotiations with the Pottsville Housing Authority and Barefield Development to transform the building into a high-end, no-income condominium complex geared to ambitionless youth population.  A snag in the negotiations arises over the proposed replacement of the large illuminated cross with a giant illuminated number "8." The number, of course, is to honor the housing program that has made the city what it is today.
 
The Winter Carnival pageant will be marred by a wardrobe malfunction when the Carnival's beloved mascot, Pottsie Ottsie, accidentally exposes a snow ball.

Pottsville will conduct a major "quality of life" criminal sweep handing out dozens of tickets in April to the out-of- shape men walking shirtless along Centre Street when the temperature hits 60.
Pottsville School District will have difficulty selecting a football coach causing the school to replace football with hacky-sack.  Attendance will surge.

Yuengling Dairy will not receive a "quality of life" ticket from the Code Enforcement Officer who is determined to fight blight.

The Mother's Memorial in Ashland will suffer from a severe case of hemorrhoids.

Schuylkill Allied Artists will feature tattoos for the first time.  Attendance will surge.

Liposuction will cease to be offered at the Pottsville American Way May Fair after the Republican-Herald reporters expose the hidden fact that the removed fat  is used at the near-by funnel cake stand as cooking grease. Another Pulitzer prize is not far away.

The Pottsville Club will  announce that shirts and shoes are no longer required for dining. Membership will surge.

Twenty will be injured during the Orwigsburg Bicentennial's rake-fighting competition. This is the most injured since the Orwigsburg Centennial celebration in 1913. 
Leiby's Dairy in Tamaqua will unveil a new ice cream named "Cherry Knowles." Production will soar, surpassing the output of its best selling Red Beets ice cream.
This year's winning spelling bee word will contain the letter "e."

Happy New Year!

                All Hail The New Year Baby!

                      My record is perfect and the local bookie payoff will cover the increase in my payroll taxes that begin this year.

Where have I been?

Where have I been?
I have been away for some time; unable to maintain the blog.
I apologize.

I was part of the Occupy Pottsville movement. I was camped out in Pocket Park.

The new city park on South Centre Street.

I was there for about two months.

Yes, that was me you probably gave the finger to, driving by on
your way to Maroons.

We would practice our chants until late in the evening.

That annoyed many of you.

Well, excuse me.

We are gone now.

No more chants.
We finally disbanded on Saturday night, the eve of the new year.
I can’t remember what our demands were but the city agreed to postpone
renaming Pocket Park.

That was one of the demands, I think.

We had lower expectations than our Occupy Wall Street compatriots.

We realized that we couldn’t
stop the billions given away to corporations as bail-outs by the government, we couldn’t
stop the tax perks and crony contracts given to multi-national businesses,

we couldn’t stop the military-industrial complex from continuing endless wars, and we couldn’t stop the give-aways to our elected officials, such as the defined benefit pensions with cost of living
increases even when the cost of living doesn’t increase.

No, our sights were lower…much lower.

We wanted subsidies for the local bars to have longer happy
hours.

Yes, that was one demand.

We wanted the Mayor to reinstate the dances that were held on the Norwegian Street
parking lot so that the 99% of us could once again dance freely with our backs to the wind.

That would require dance lessons to be given at various locations throughout the city,

not just at Catholic War Veterans Post.

We wanted skating boarding to be once again legalized in the downtown.

We wanted cartoon characters to once again grace Garfield Square at Christmas time so that our children, our step-children, our significant other's children and her step-children could experience an old fashioned Christmas.

Most of all, we wanted The Winter Carnival Queen to abducate her throne and be sent away to a nunnery.

We wanted her replaced with a newly created People's Winter Carnival Tribunal.

After we disbanded several of the protestors went to Garfield Square.

They would watch the beer bottle ascend.

Others went to the Hospital to await the arrival of the New Year baby.

Not me.

I went home.

I already knew the outcomes.

The bottle would rise and the baby would drop.

The baby would once again be born out of wedlock.

Nothing changes around.

Don't you agree?

It was a long two months and I needed a bath. a powerball ticket and a shot of boilo.

Not necessarily in that order.

Happy New Year.

Rockin New Years Eve

Mammy has been pestering me; trying to get me to make plans for New Years Eve. She told me that we have to go out since there will be a blue moon. I always said that I go out on New Year’s Eve “only once in a blue moon.” She wants me to keep my promise and doesn’t want to sit at home watching Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Year Eve.

Doesn’t she realize that the Pussycat Girls will be performing on the show this year?
Anyway, where would we go?
Mammy gave me an ultimatum. We go out or else.
I tried making reservations at “The Trolley Car,” a local bistro in Wadesville, where I squandered away so much of my youth. I got no answer. Not even a taped message or an answering machine. It would have been the perfect place for a romantic evening, high up on the mountain with a bird’s eye view of the blue moon and stripping pits.
The Trolley was noted for the friendliest bartenders in the greater St. Clair area and, more importantly, it was celebrated for its fine, eclectic menu of bar food – pickled eggs, beef jerky, and Lance crackers. If I am correct pistachio nuts were the signature mark of this mouthwatering bill of fare. Yes! Wadesville would be the perfect location to view the blue moon that would envelop Schuylkill County as we welcomed 2010.*
I remember many places from Schuylkill County’s past but I could not find any in the phone book. The Lame Goose. The SoHo. The Bur Ben Inn. The Gallery. The Con Ja Ka. Rokosz’s. All of these were now all closed.
“I want to dance,” Mammy bellowed repeatedly. I tried to find a place that had music. I remembered a great place in Llewellyn - the Rhinoceros Room. I could not find a listing on SuperPages and I found no website. Panic soon set in. Where would we go?

I then tried contacting the Liederkrantz on Norwegian Street in Pottsville. Apparently that place went out of business when the German music craze in the county petered out.

Fertig! Getan! Geschlossen!
Longo’s, the great Italian Restaurant on Route 61, had also hit the dust. I remember the hours I spent in front of their lobster tank licking my lips trying to decide which crustacean I would eventually devour while the Tony Karpee band played in the background.

There was also no sense in dusting off my old leisure suit as the Disco Alley was caput.
I called the Visitors Bureau and was told that dancing was not popular anymore around here. Young people are too busy on Facebook and MySpace to move their feet. It was recommended that I book a table at the Garfield Diner near a window and watch the Yuengling bottle rise to the top of the city monument at midnight and then hop aboard the Molly Trolley for a ride to the Schuylkill Medical Center to await the announcement of the new year bastard with about five thousand other people under the glow of the blue moon.
I preferred heading to Wilkes-Barre to watch the next government official drop.
All of these festivities are on the internet and we could watch them from the comfort of our trailer, but we finally compromised and decided that we would Hosey Hop. That is, go from firehouse bar to firehouse bar, basking in the blue moonlight along the way.

Just in case there was no music available I told Mammy to bring along her Ipod so that she could dance. I had just downloaded some bootleg Jordan Brothers tunes for her. While she danced with a fireman, I would sit at the bar eat, some pickled eggs (with some horseradish) and watch Dick Clark drool in the new year. The Pussycat Girls are on, you know. But at midnight I will give Mammy a kiss and tell her that she is the best noisemaker I ever had. She loves compliments. I will then retake my bar seat, light up a cigarette, and finish off some more pickled eggs.

Happy rockin’ new years.


*Please refer to the new year as Twenty ten, not Two Thousand and Ten. Make that your new year resolution. Thank you.

the federal stimulus package and the New Year Baby Contest

I read in the paper that the Easter Bunny arrived at the Cressona Mall over the weekend, making a pit stop at Ollie’s and the Surgical Center ( I guess to get a 'hare' transplant). That story reminded me that now is the time for those planning to participate in the New Year Baby Contest to get off of the sidelines and into the game. This week there should be more action around here than in the entire past Phillies Spring training camp season.

Yes, New Year’s Day is only nine months away, believe it or not.

Some had wondered how the economic downturn may affect the New Year Baby Contest. Of course this is a concern to all of us. Luckily gas prices are down so that those planning to participate in the contest using an automobile as their location of choice should be relieved.

I also understand that buried within the federal stimulus bill will be financial assistance for local merchants to fund prizes to the lucky winner and the runner-ups.

Thank you Nancy Pelosi!
However, just as the Miss America Contest faded away from once being the premiere cultural event of the nation, and the Miss Senior Winter Carnival Princess Contest has been dropped entirely, local New Year Baby Contest officials are fearful that the attention now placed on the dysfunctional unwed mother of fourteen in California, known to all as Octomom, may reduce our beloved new year baby contest to obscurity.

Remember that this woman gave birth to eight bundles of joy several weeks ago and this event has kept the interest of the county captivated by taking our minds off our devastated retirement accounts, corruption in Luzerne County and Michael Jackson's refusal to appear at this year's County Fair.
Our local big-wigs will not only be able to use the federal stimulus money to bail out the floundering Pierogie Bowl and purchase desperately needed all-weather bleenie friers, but they will be able to give out some of the newly printed money as attractive monetary awards to anyone who gives birth to nine babies on New Year’s Day.

Right now the local middle schools across the county are preparing contestants for their big day. Spelling classes are teaching the word, “Nonuplets” which is defined as “nine babies born at once.” Runner-ups having multiple births on New Year’s Day will also receive some cash prizes, so that anyone giving birth to septuplets or sextuplets should not feel slighted or left out.

The officials also want boost our children's self-esteem so everyone who attempts to conceive a child between March 25 and May 1 will recieve a "participant" ribbon thanks to this stimulus money. The sewing machines will be soon turned on in many closed garment factories, giving work to hundreds of women who will be producing these coveted participant ribbons.
Our leading County economists believe that this injection of cash prizes will stimulate the local economy and the results will be seen in an upturn in patronage at local video Arcades, frequented by most of the New Year Baby Contest participants. It could also spur the growth of public housing and, of course, an increase in diaper services.

The contest is open to all residents of the county regardless of age (not just young teens) so pick up your entry form at any Middle School administration office right away.

Time is a-wasting.

Contest time

Dear Mr. Trout:

Will the New Year Baby Contest be held again? If so, what day is it held? I am not a contestant; I only want to place a wager. I think one of the girls in my homeroom class has a good chance to win. Isn’t that awesome? Do you have any favorite wagering parlors to recommend to me? Doesn’t this contest rival Powerball for pure excitement around here? Where is the announcement of the winner to be made? Will it be televised? Will it be featured on the Sam Lasante Show on Comcast’s 7 or 15? Will Sam Lasante interview the proud mother even if she gives birth past her bedtime?
Will the conversion to digital television on February 17th affect my TV reception of the announcement if a winner is not announced by then? I hope not. I still have rabbit ears. Not me personally, but our family’s television set. It is an old Admiral set. My ears can be described as cauliflower-like. I hate cauliflower. How about you Mr. Trout? Do you like cauliflower?
If I win some money picking the winner, then I will use some of my money to buy a new television set for the family so that we can watch American Gladiators on a 52 inch flat plasma! So cool, Mr. Trout, don’t you think?
Someone gave me a tip in gym class the other day. I was told that the winning child would be born out-of-wedlock? I wasn’t sure what that meant so I looked it up in the dictionary. I thought that wedlock was a Rastafarian hairdo; I was wrong. It means a bastard child. Pardon my language but that is what my dictionary had printed. I was told that it is impolite to use the term bastard anymore. Also you can’t use the term illigitimate anymore either. I am glad as that is one hard word to spell. A more correct term is love child. That is easier to spell. I looked up love child and it is defined as “a child born to two unmarried people who got jiggy with one another.” That is what I call being unlucky in love. Did you know Leonardo DaVinci was a bastard? I mean a love child. Sorry. They are only words and bastard sounds so cool and hip. We will study DaVinci next grading period. He was a great artist and a very smart man. They made a movie about some Code he invented. I thought the movie was so-oo boring. I liked Iron Man much better. Anyway it proves that having parents married to one another does not stop a person from being a winner in life.
My gramps told me that the rise in the number of illegitimate children places much higher costs on society for anti-poverty, criminal justice and education programs. He probably doesn’t know about Leonardo DiCaprio or his Code. He is boycotting the New Year Baby Contest and will play the lottery instead. He doesn’t think we should lavish gifts and attention on irresponsible, sexually frisky teenagers.
My neighbor won a pile of money the other year when a crack baby won the contest. That is what he told me, but he brags a lot. I don’t believe everything he tells me. Actually he told me the young mother won the prizes for having the little crack baby. He treated us to a king size bucket of Kentucky fried chicken down on Claude A. Lord Boulevard. Not the crack baby; that would be silly. My neighbor bought us the chicken.
I gotta go Mr. Trout, American Gladiators is on the tube right now, then I have to do some homework.
Sincerely,
Aiden Jaiden Naponavich
Lower Shaft, PA

Dear Mr. Naponavich:
Thank you for your letter. The contest surprisingly is scheduled to begin at the stroke of New Year on the gregorian calendar which is used in most of Schuylkill County. Bets can be taken at most fire houses and gaming parlors. It's popularity is growing and while it does surpass Powerball, it does surpass the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes. Good luck A.J.!!

population increase

I read in the paper that Schuylkill County’s population has finally increased after a steady decline since 1930. The paper credited “fewer deaths and more births.”

Well I am certainly doing my part by staying alive. I have eliminated the cheese from all of my Big Macs and Double bacon burgers. And as for tobacco, while it is healthier than crack, let’s face it, it cannot be considered a health food. That is why I have cut down to one pack of Camels a day.
There are also safety changes that I integrated into my lifestyle. I now have a hands-free cell phone in my SUV. Now I don’t have to be distracted with the phone and I can concentrate on my driving and changing discs in the DVD player while I am on Route 61.

My new motto is “One hand on the wheel, the other on my Fast Forward button.”
My drinking and driving habits have also changed. With gas now costing $4 a gallon, it is cheaper to drink than to drive. So I drive less and drink more, pocketing the change, laughing all the way to the bank.
With these lifestyle changes I hope to last to a extremely old age lingering, forgotten and alone, in a bed; helping to keep our county’s population stable. I now have a living will that requests that I be kept alive by any means necessary and that, if possible, I be transported to Mount Carbon so that I can help keep that town’s numbers up even while comatose.

We also need to thank our local prisons for helping to keep the population up. We not only have the County jail in Pottsville but two state correction facilities north of the mountain, and a federal prison in Minersville. Hopefully more human behavior and activities will become illegal in the future so that additions can be built onto these facilities to make room for the next generation of criminal and increasing the county’s numbers to boot.
I am not sure how many residents are at these facilities, but I would bet that once released most inmates would leave the county. Therefore we should all write to the Pardon or Parole Board objecting to any type of early release until the next census is taken, lest our numbers decrease.
I understand that many girlfriends of prisoners with their children already relocate to the area temporarily to be close by. This should be a signal to the Chamber of Commerce to begin a massive “in-big-house” promotion to retain these mostly young people from leaving the area.

Lastly, the paper failed to give due credit to the humungous rise in illegitimacy in the county. We need to thank these young women for doing their part to keep the population numbers up. If a young girl had to wait until she married and was financially able to support a child, the number of births would be dramatically down. If it wasn’t for these frisky youngsters, Schuylkill County could face extinction, just like the Dodo Bird. That is why I am such a big supporter of the New Year Baby Contest, middle school baby showers, Eighth grade proms and slutty clothes for pre-teens. I say, get the youngsters interested in procreating as early as possible. Entice them with prizes and photo ops in the newspaper to keep our county’s numbers up. Some naysayers argue that I am foolish for advocating such a policy. They claim “young girls are ready or able to properly care for a baby.” I reply with one word, Hogwash! That is what social workers, foster parents, food stamps, and the Women’s Shelter are for. At next year’s Pottsville May Fair I plan to sell five inch, yellow rear car window signs that proclaims “bastard on board” as well as bumper stickers that read: "Honk if you're a bastard" and donate all profits to the winner of the New Year Baby Contest provided the baby’s parents are not married (to one another). Will you buy one to help keep the population numbers up?

Remember when it comes to population, its quantity, not quality.

New Year Baby Contest v Publisher's Clearing House

The thrill of participation in any event that awards prizes for minimal effort or achievement is exhilarating; that’s why my family loves contests. Mammy's favorite is the Publisher Clearing House Sweepstakes contest which she enters yearly. Every January, Mammy Trout will wait by the door hoping to greet Ed McMahon and grab the $10 million check. To no avail McMahon never appears and Mammy gets the blues.

Once the doorbell rang and Mammy transformed herself into Blanche DuBois from "A Streetcar Named Desire", muttering, with that gazed look, as she opened the door,

“Whoever you are—I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.”

The beginning of April is the best time to enter the newspaper’s New Year Baby contest. You have a chance of winning many attractive prizes; Turtle Wax just for starters. OK, so it is not on the scale of Ed McMahon’s Clearing House extravaganza, but it is still a contest meant to be won. Mammy says that contest is just for kids and we should stick to the Publisher’s Clearing House one.
(AP Photo/Publishers Clearing House, Diane Bondareff)

She reminds me that nearly every year some teenage girl wins. You rarely see a teenage boy in the photograph with the winning baby, even though I think they get more practice time. By the time the winner is announced, many of the boys are out of the picture hooked up with someone else.
The paper insists that this isn’t just a contest just for teens, but odds do favor them. Mammy argues that it is not fair. She said she is too old and cannot compete in the contest anymore. Having an education or being in school doesn’t appear to give any contestant any advantage. Not many of the county champions had received their diploma. Mammy said she is sick of the New Year Baby Contest and will stick to the Publisher Clearing House contest. She feels lucky this year, that is why we have subscribed to dozens of magazines. Schuylkill Living, Guns and Ammo, Oprah, Wrestling World. You name it, and we get it.

If winning the New Year Baby Contest doesn’t require any intellectual ability, then what about physical ability? For the most part, the contest does appear to require some physical stamina. It is not an athletic endurance test although some have described it as such. There is no clock, time outs or uniforms to wear (or take off). Most of the contestants do practice together before the contest starts but that is optional. Some have won on the first try; sort of like those half-time hockey challenges where a member of the audience gets a chance to score to win a big prize.
If you are interested in entering the baby contest, then the beginning of April is the time to enter as New Year’s Day is less than nine months away. The paper’s rules state that you can play just about anywhere within Schuylkill County, inside or outside. Some contestants use their cars; maybe that is why they want that Turtle Wax! However a car or a driver’s license is unnecessary. In fact most of the winners would say they participated after school at home while the parents are out. Having a parent at home is sort of like a sand trap on a golf course. Mammy says that she is too tired to enter this contest. Her friends claim that it is difficult to get a partner interested anymore and it is no fun entering alone. I guess it is like football and pole vaulting, just for youngsters. Not many boomers play football or pole vault anymore. They just like to sit on their lazy boys and watch television.
Mammy refers to the contest as a Salute to Teen Pregnancy. She says that that it glamorizes teen pregnancy while downplaying its dangers, such as, low birth weight and prematurity, growing up without a father, a future in poverty, poor school performance, and possible abuse and neglect. I tell Mammy that she is just a sore loser. These so-called “dangers” have a silver lining. For starters, they increase the employment rate for social workers and help create a need for more public housing. I say that these young mothers and their kids are meal tickets for many seeking jobs around here. I say they deserve these accolades.

I say, “Let the games begin!”

But wait, I hear the doorbell. I gotta go. This time it really may be Ed McMahon with Mammy’s ten million dollar check.

Happy New Year!

"Nos have a novus annus infantia!" *


Yes, black smoke once again was seen billowing up from from the little pizza oven at the Pottsville Hospital. No, it did not mean that the pizza was burning. Not even the extra cheese or pepperoni. No; it signified to the faithful gathered in the parking lot for almost ten hours that the county was once again blessed with a new year baby. Fumata nera!! For the complete story go to the Pottsville Republican
The trout family extends congradulations to those who won a little on the yearly wagering. Make sure to properly report any winnings on your tax returns next year, not this year. Ditto for losses.
For those interested in obtaining a polar bear plunge gift certificate which makes a lovely present for a loved one, read the complete story by clicking on this link Pottsville Republican

Better yet go down to Brok-Sel's or Frankie's Smoke Shop and pick up a newspaper for two bits. The new year baby edition is always a collector's item.

Remember the rules for 2009 contest which starts approximately April 1st. Pick up entry forms at any local skate board store, middle school admissions office, the Roller Roost or many other establishments.

*Translated from latin: "We have a new year baby!" Not to be confused with pig latin's "eway avehay away ewnay earyay abybay."

Photograph seen above courtesy of http://www.flickr.com/photos/tinfoilraccoon/

New Year's Eve Memories

This was taken from my diary of last year. The photograph to the right is of one of Pottsville's wagering parlors.








I left the parking lot at the Pottsville Hospital at about 1:45 A.M. (still enough time to get one last Yuengling lager down at Sarge’s New Year’s Eve party).
It was a busy evening for me, first dinner and drinking at Sarge's New Year's Eve bash, then a dash over to Pottsville Hospital Parking lot after the stroke of midnight. Umbrella in hand, I waited for the announcement of the 2007 new year baby. I had placed my traditional $100 wager on the birth being out of wedlock the day before at one of Pottsville's betting parlors. I stood there in the parking lot, with my ticket clenched firmly in my fist, waiting for the news. I was not alone, there were hundreds of others with me, along with the WNEP news truck and various newspaper cub reporters.

I continued to look up at the rooftop of the hospital to see if I saw any smoke. Tradition has it the when the new year baby has been delivered, the announcement to the world is made by burning old Pottsville Republican newspapers in a special oven. The oven is actually the oven from Charlie's Pizzeria on loan to the hospital for that one special night. The smoke from those papers escapes through a small chimney visible from the parking lot. Usually one can spot the fumata nera or black smoke, which signifies that an out-of-wedlock baby was born – a bastardo. If I see black smoke, then that means pay-off time for me!



Will it be bianca or nera?????

This night I was not so lucky, I dropped my ticket in disappointment as fumata bianca rose up from the chimney. Fumata bianca....the dreaded white smoke. Yes, white smoke came up the chimney, the first time in at least one decade. The new year baby was born to a married couple! Not only were the parents married, they were married to one another! The couple consisted of a male and a female. One of each! Both adults and not related to one another!



Traditionally, a hospital dignitary will then step onto the platform erected in front of the hospital, holding the newborn up in the air, proclaim the name of the infant (after getting HPPA releases signed of course). The crowds in town go wild, throwing hats up, hugging and kissing as if World War II was just ending while the proud father does a victory lap around the lot.

The baby's name is generally something difficult to pronounce or spell. I was hoping the name would be Flava Flave. Not very original; it is the name of my favorite MTV personality. No, this year, the child would have the name Michael, the name of my favorite Archangel, my favorite basketball player, and my favorite Corleone family member. A lot of wagering goes into name selection as well and the pay-off can be astonomical. This year I was going home empty-handed. No Kahrystall, no Jewlle, no Ayden, Kayden, Jayden or Mayden. No Chrystee, no Thembessa, no Nyklas, no Braden, Zayden, Graden or Rayden. Just plain ol' Michael.





I quickly made my way back down to Sarge’s for that one last call for alcohol, listening to the bells ring from the Mister Softee truck now racing down Centre Street proclaiming the good news that the County's New Year Baby has arrived.
Everyone can sleep good tonight.

photo of bib is one of the numerous gifts bestowed up the winning baby every New Year Day.

New Year Baby Contest

Anticipation mounts for the selection of the 2008 New Year Baby. Some have compared the excitement surrounding the announcement of this year’s prized arrival to that surrounding the announcement of a new dalai lama in Tibet. I beg to differ, as the selection in Tibet of the successor child is a long process, sometimes taking years; the selection of the New Year baby in Schuylkill County, however, occurs rather quickly. Some say this is because the mother has to get back to the middle school on January 2nd, but that is not true. That was an ugly urban legend. It is similar to that urban legend that the fly on the trousers of the Henry Clay statue is down and that is why the statue was placed so high off the ground. Neither of those stories are true. Don't bother staring at the statue as you drive down Centre Street.

The only criteria governing the New Year baby contest is that the winning baby must be born immediately after the stroke of the New Year in the Pottsville Hospital before any other baby is born. Unlike the Spelling Bee Contest, which was popular when I was in the middle school, this baby contest is based solely on gestational timing, period. There is no practice or preparation involved whatsoever. Coincidentally, the word that sank my spelling bee chances years ago was the word, gestational.

If anyone would take the time to read the Official Guide to The Schuylkill County’s New Year Baby Contest, then there would be no more arguments, as the contest is open to mothers of all ages. It has never been restricted to those in the middle school despite what you may hear in the Giant Supermarket, Sheetz, the Roller Roost and other public meeting places. In fact when you think about it, older contestants have an advantage over the younger contestants who are under state driving restrictions. The state now prohibits persons under the age of eighteen from driving after eleven p.m.. Therefore, the younger mothers-to-be, even if they have learner permits, must get rides with older boyfriends, hook-ups or other adults willing to give up the hoop-la of New Year's Eve, drive over to the hospital and sit in a waiting room watching an aged Dick Clark on television with total strangers. What a way to spoil what should be a very fun evening. Not many volunteers for that task I may add.

In any event, all downtown Pottsville sport and wagering parlors will remain open until the wee hours of December 31st for those wishing to participate in the yearly tradition of betting on the outcome.

Having the New Year baby born to a couple married to one another will again pay off handsomely for those daring to take the risk.