Breaking News! Trout enters rehab

Unheralded and superficial dilettante, bb trout, is asking for a temporary leave of absence from his blog while he seeks professional treatment in the wake of his Twitter scandal.

His so-called common law wife, Mammie Trout, said that he would leave for professional treatment after he picks up a dozen sticky buns at Renninger’s Market, and will focus on "becoming a better common law husband and healthier person, probably in that order, but it is too early to say for sure."

The statement doesn't say what Trout would be treated for. There are conflicting stories circulating about his on-going sticky bun addiction as well as his inappropriate tweets and pokes. Schuylkill County's Warne Clinic, by the way, is noted for the treatment of food addictions and trout had been treated there in the past for bleenia (obsessive consumption of potato pancakes, preferably with onions). It is rumored that trout may be admitted there under an alias.

Just before the release of the statement, the leading Schuylkill County officials demanded that Trout step down as publisher of his blog and give up plans to run for Jury Commissioner in 2013.

"This sordid affair has become an unacceptable distraction for Mr. Trout, his so-called common law wife, and the children he sired through multiple relationships, including one with his cleaning lady. It is time for him to quit and get out of here. The office of county jury commissioner demands more of a candidate.”
Before Saturday afternoon's developments, trout told reporters in Pine Grove that "I have to redeem myself and I am going to try to get back to work. I let people down by failing to attend the Kiebossi Festival the other week. Sorry, folks! I will make it up to you. I also apologize to the five or six people who follow the blog religiously and were expecting a new article in early June."
Mr Trout’s handling of the scandal has been a public relations disaster. On Tuesday, he argued with a WPAM correspondent outside the Eagle’s Club on South Second Street in Pottsville, at one point calling the producer a “stick in the mud” and an “upstart” By Wednesday, he changed tactics, apologizing. He did interviews with WPPA, WMBT, and Sam Lasante. His attempts to inject humor into the controversy fell flat. “When your name is Trout, you get a lot of people who think everything you say sounds fishy. I made a total bass out of myself,” he told Sam.

Most puzzling to the media was Mr trout’s claim that he “could not say with certitude” whether the underwear in the photograph were his. “Don’t be koi, trout! You would know if this was your underpants, Didn't you notice the JP Morgan label? Isn't it true that you only wear underpants made in Tamaqua? It's time to come clean, Mr. Trout,” Lasante said incredulously as he waived the incriminating photograph in front of him.

Trout insisted that his Twitter, Facebook, and MySpace accounts had all been hacked and that he had been a victim of prank, joke or hoax by his opponents who were trying to sabotage his expected run for the office of jury commissioner in 2013 by sending tweets out to the entire membership of the Frackville D.A.R., the Sisters of Christian Charity and the Pine Grove Eastern Star. "I've been punked!"

It was Saturday that he fessed up to all of the photographs, prompting the release of the statement from Mammie Trout, his so-called common-law wife (who is finally getting some sympathy from the public). Apparently his problem began many years ago, before their on-again, off-again relationship had even started. It was at that time (long before Al Gore invented the internet) that trout drew an explicit self-portrait of himself on his Etch-A-Sketch and passed it around the Eagle's Club for all to see.
Apparently he spiralled downwards ever since.

The breaking point was his tweeting of an interesting close-up photo (taken in his house) of his junk.

where did everyone go?

I just returned from the Santander (Sovereign) Majestic Theatre where a symposium was held on the topic, Pottsville’s Declining Population. I was quite pleased. With a declining population it was now easier for me to get a good seat and the line for popcorn was bearable.

Here are the facts. In 1940 Pottsville had a population of about 24,500 and now, in 2010, it is 14,172. While the drop sounds grim, I told the audience that it could have been much worse. Luckily for us more and more activities are now illegal so our prison is keeping ours numbers up. I reminded the audience that there are about 30 prisoners doing hard county time for removing the tag on their mattresses and we should be thankful for each and every one of them as well as the informants who ratted on them.

That remark was received by an overwhelming praise for prison overcrowding and demand that additional laws be immediately enacted making more behavior illegal.

The pros and cons of a county-sponsored Kids for Cash program to halt the out-migration of our youth was also discussed. This was soundly rejected due to the bad publicity the program received in Luzerne County.

As the main speaker at the symposium I pointed out glaring omissions by the press. For instance while the population of Pottsville had decreased 8% over the past ten years, the fact that the average waist size of the citizenry expanded by 8% was ignored. "Why wasn't this good news publicized?" I mentioned just before the buttered popcorn break.

I also pointed out that Pottsville now has three nursing homes filled with many Alzheimer residents, who have no plans to leave the city of Pottsville, especially since they reside in locked and secured buildings, and most of them don't have driver's licenses; they could only wander by foot to Mechanicsville if they wanted to leave our city.

Some one in the audience brought up the fact that the local women’s shelter had expanded and this also helped get the numbers up. Everyone gave a round of applause. “Hats off to the ladies.”
After another buttered popcorn break, I presented a power point presentation featuring statistics that outlined the consistency of the decrease over the past seventy years. The city has a steady decline of 8% per decade. "It is no stampede, no mad dash, no exodus, no hegira, no evacutation, no diaspora. It has been a very level but orderly out- migration. If you want to see an exodus try taking the post-apocalypic road through the wasteland from Shenandoah to Girardville. Pottsville will be here much longer than any of those municipalities. ...Maybe the county should be cut in two and the southern half united with northern Berks County. I just don't know." At this point another popcorn break was called.

If the City can maintain this consistency, then it is guaranteed that Pottsville will remain around for hundreds of more years; it will just be just smaller. A tiny town in a tiny county. All commerce will be done at the Tilden Shopping Area near Hamburg. In fact, it won’t be until 2060 that the city's population will fall below the 10,000 mark needed to retain city status. In that year, it will return to its roots and once again become a borough. Even in the tri-centennial year of 2106, the population will be a robust 6200. Someone mentioned that a larger percentage of these 6200 residents may be in nursing homes, shelters or in prison, so I asked that the word ‘robust’ be stricken from the record. In any event, I plan to be still cyrogenically preserved at that time at the Jalappa Ice Plant, not to be defrosted until the city's sesqui-tricentennial. Beep your horn when passing me. After one more popcorn break an open-mike participation was held, allowing suggestions for increasing the population of the city. Here are some of the responses:

• Conjugal visits for the prisoners.



• Grant citizenship to household pets (at least dogs for starters).



• Having the New Year Baby contest held monthly and double the prizes.



• Invade North Manheim Township and enslave the residents.



• Bring back the Mayor’s Dance at the Norwegian Street parking lot.



• Clean up the city & enforce the building codes to attract middle-class families.



• Demand a census recount and have each bi-polar resident count for two.



• Offer each new resident one dozen sticky buns as an incentive for relocating here.



• Promote the city as an ideal location for those entering the federal witness protection program.



• Rezone Greenwood Hill as a clothing optional area.



• Have all the city's traffic lights stay red longer, thereby delaying people from leaving.

All great ideas; all in all, it was a great symposium. I hope to see 92% of them back in ten years.