City Problem Solving 101
b.b.
trout
Did you read the article in the
paper several days ago about city officials concerned about the blighted
properties that may give a bad impression to the incoming logger
joggers?
I did.
Especially high on the worry list is the real
estate at 802-804 Mahantongo Street.
Apparently with the title of those dwellings in an entity known as D & B Realty LLC, the city is totally
baffled as to who the people really behind that fictitious mask.
Notable detectives were recently summoned to
an emergency meeting at City Hall. It
was a who’s who of sleuths. Nick and
Nora Charles, Nancy Drew, Mike Hammer, Miss Marple, Thomas Magnum, Hercule
Poirot, Remington Steele and even Springfield’s Chief Wiggums attended the
meeting, all giving advice to the beleaguered city officials. Who is the
manager of D & B Realty, LLC?
I was there too. I told them that the owners are probably
residents of Allentown who ownan expensive piece of real estate in Norwegian
Township on Emerald Lane. I told the
city officials that it was quite easy to find these owners simply by looking at
the PA Department of State website. That
site lists the address of D&B Realty as Emerald Lane, Marlin. The Schuylkill County parcel
locator gives the names and address of the owners of the Emerald Lane property. They are most likely the owners of D&B Realty and their Allentown address is given. Quite simple. No need for detectives. Case closed. However, I was ignored as usual. Bloodhounds
were ordered to assist and Chief Wiggums called out for Chinese.
The Code Enforcement Official had
told the paper that “Nobody’s happy with the
way the property looks” referring to 802-804 Mahantongo. I, of course, disagreed. I think it looks great. Of course, I am a World War II reenactor and
it reminds me of the siege of Stalingrad every day as I pass up and down. Now that was a battle.
The city officials wanted some solutions, in
lieu of enforcing the code. With so
little time left before race time, I offered the city the following solutions
to keep these millennial racers content:
- Have the Molly Trolley bus the racers before starting time to West Market Street. After looking at the 700 block of West Market, Mahantongo Street will certainly look more attractive. Everything is relative you know.
- Have Winter Carnival Princesses, Vulcans and Vulcanettes stationed every so many yards distracting the racers’ attention away for the crumbling ruins.
- Painted
canvas could be draped over the fronts of the buildings, giving an illusion of
more stately buildings. 802-804 could be
covered over with a canvas of “The Emerald City,” since the owners of the
building have a connection to Emerald Lane in Marlin.
- A giant
sign could be erected stating “Pardon our
dust! Remodeling underway.” This
will give those millennials a false hope that progress is being made. Millennials are noted for short attention
spans, so this trick could work for years.
- All racers could be blindfolded.
- East Penn buses could be mustered into service, emitting their legendary exhaust fumes to hide the crumbling structures.
- Have Yuengling drinking stations on every block. No one will care what the hell the buildings look like.8. Release a pack of hungry pit bulls behind the racers.
- I was politely told to leave the emergency meeting as I was wasting precious time. The identity of D&B Realty, LLC which has remained shrouded in mystery for years needed to be solved. I told them once again to check the Department of State website but no one was listening as Chief Wiggum's' order of General Tso had arrived.
II went back home to iron my pajamas which I had just washed. I wanted to look my best for race day to impress those millenials flocking into our city.
