Criminal Investigation to be Launched

Confidential Informant inside the courthouse

Reliable sources confidential to Beansoup for the Soul have told me that the District Attorney’s Office may soon receive $250,000 in state grants to enhance its investigation of witch doctors and other sorcerers that plague our beloved county.  The grants supposedly are part of more than $10 million being allocated to state-wide district attorneys’ offices, made through the state’s newly announced program funded from through the new tattoo tax.   

Suspects to be rounded up election-eve

 

The grants will fund personnel, including investigators, assistant district attorneys, exorcists and assorted cronies and hanger-ons who build cases for prosecution cases under section 7104 of the Pennsylvania Crimes Code, which makes it a misdemeanor of the third degree for anyone to pretend for gain to predict future events by spells or incantations.  

My sources also told me that the annual election-eve drug sweep will be scrapped this year in favor of an election-eve sweep of all those who participated in any shape, form or manner (not necessarily in that order) in the recent Hoodie Hoo Day festivities.  This includes all Pennsylvania Dutch pow wow shamans, conjurers, soothsayers, mombos as well as any citizen who conspired foolishly to chant the gibberish in hopes of altering the weather with this hocus-pocus.  

Take a look out your window, for cryin' out loud!!! It's March 5th....it's like Antarctica outside!! the chanting to change the weather was one big gigantic fraud!!! The weather was not altered one degree!! The cold weather may even impact the Pottsville St. Patrick's Parade as I was told it might have to be held indoors at the Humane Fire House.

Lastly, it has been reported that a substantial reward will soon be offered for capture of Punxsutawney Phil, dead or alive. 

Hoodie Hoo: Schuylkill County Weather Modification Deemed A Failure

The bi-polar vortex once again is gripping Schuylkill County from the far north reaches of McAdoo to  southern Summit Station with no release in sight.    

The recent Schuylkill County Emergency Management Agency’s  attempt at weather modification appears to be a dismal failure at an enormous cost to those who actually pay their county real estate taxes on time.  

Winter season in Schuylkill County generally begins on November 1^st and lasts through May 14^th, followed by the long hot dry season which occurs before the rainy season.  The average winter temperatures have steadily decreased over the past several decades, generally reaching a low of minus thirty in February.  These long, cold winters have crippled the miniature golf industry which is the center of tourism in the county. In fact, numerous miniature golf courses in the area closed permanently due to the impact of the severe winters.  This has a ripple effect, creating many other hardships, including the lay-off of thousands of miniature golf caddies and those who work at the Pottsville Steel plant manufacturing those small miniature golf course carts.   Health hazards are also a concern as people tend to resort to using de-icing salt on their snacks because they are unable to get out to the stores to buy Morton salt.  De-icing salt has a much larger caloric count and is thought be partly responsible for the county-wide obesity epidemic according to the Pottsville Surgeon General.  

 Physicians have also reported a rise in the density of body fur growth occurring in the population, particularly in North

North Manheim Township

Manheim Township, which makes it more difficult for tattoo artists to have their work displayed properly.  And, of course, there is also the seasonal increase in the visits to the emergency rooms and welding garages for having tongues carefully removed from metal poles.

Weather modification is the act of intentionally manipulating or altering the weather.  With the down payment made on the sale of Rest Haven, $100,000 was earmarked  by the Commissioners for weather modification to shorten the winter season.  It was believed, at the time, to be a sound investment. 

Magical practices to control the weather have a long history. In ancient civilizations chanting incantations or mantras were performed by shamans to bring rain to drought-stricken regions.  In other ancient cultures, human sacrifice was performed with hopes of altering the weather, with varied results.  The Commissioners were presented several proposals.  Human sacrifice was ruled out, as the county population is already decreasing the way it is. 

After lengthy deliberation and public discussion, the investment of county funds with a Pennsylvania Dutch Pow-Wow shaman, a former county employee, seemed to be the most practical solution with a Hoodie Hoo Ritual to be performed on February 20^th.   Despite the purchase of colorful vestments for the participants to wear, the incantations chanted by the shaman and repeated by hundreds of her followers, the winter did not release its tight hold on the county. It was a failure.

Next year the county commissioners plan to rethink the idea of human sacrifice if the miniature golf industry in the county is to survive, or at least consider sacrificing a groundhog.  Funding should also given to retrain the out-of-work miniature golf caddies.
Below is a short video taken in the Schuylkill County Courthouse parking lot.