The Definitive History of Pottsville Winter Carnival

                                           The Definitive History of Pottsville Winter Carnival 

1888 – Blizzard hits Schuylkill County. Winter Carnival is born when two men shovel Market Street for the first time and crowd gathers to watch.

1899 – Winter Carnival Parade now features Third Brigade Band, beer wagon, two horses and a fire truck; first theme “Let’s Party Like It’s 1899.”

1900- Moustache defrosting is first competition event.  

1901 – Winter Carnival King frees the serfs; long underwear arrives from Tamaqua.

1905 - the first telemarketer phone call in Pottsville asks “do you want to buy a button?”

1910- Steam heat under Market St.allows for sub-zero parades to continue for decades.

1916 – The first Vulcan arrives in Pottsville, terrorized citizenry hide.

1917 – Interfaith Council preach against “the sinister influence of Vulcans on our Youth.”

1918 – Unity Day in city calms fears of Vulcans settling in the county.

1919 – Women permitted to participate in Winter Carnival after years of demonstrating.

1920 – “Spanish Flu” deemed worst Winter Carnival theme of all time.

1921- First Winter Carnival Queen Contest held at the Hippodrome Theatre.

1925 – Yuengling Ice Cream sponsors the first Telegraph Night.

1926- Pottsville curling team cheated out of title for violating franchise territorial rules when it competed in New Philadelphia by accident, thinking it was Cumbola.

1927- John O’Hara publishes fictionalized version of Winter Carnival, “Appointment in Jalappa” out of bitterness for being turned down as a Vulcan; Pottsville scandalized.

1932 – Prohibition ends. Yuengling Brewery now sponsors Radio Night and Carnival becomes a lot more fun even though it’s quite a depression outside.

1936 – Winter Carnival King abdicates his throne to marry the woman he loves.

1937- Hair pulling competition banned from Winter Carnival Snowflake Princess Pageant for being “unlady-like.”

1941- World War II results in Winter Carnival parade floats being pulled by dog teams to conserver gasoline.

1942 – One million old buttons collected for war effort at Wiener’s in Mount Carbon.

1943 –The high-pitched dialect of Vulcans is used by Defense Department to relay unbreakable secret commands during the war.

1944 – Carnival mascot Pottsie Ottsie mistakenly arrested by FBI, released after proving he was not the notorious Pottsie Nazi saboteur.

1945 – Germany surrenders after Berlin bombarded by one million carnival buttons.

1950 – high birth rate of boomer babies results in Little Miss Snowdrop Contest.

1955 – Congressional hearings in Washington focus on alleged subversive Winter Carnival Polka Night activities; accordion players from Minersville refuse to answer questions and are blacklisted from Yok Tom Billy Urban radio show.

1957 –Iced Tea Night sponsored by local business is guered to the young.

1958 – Hula Hoop competition added as event amid protests from some that hoops are too small for the average county waistline.

1959 – Queen contestants no longer have to answer final question in pig latin.

1961 – Moustache Defrosting dropped as an event and replaced with fifty mile walk in the snow after JFK issues a challenge.

1965- Pottsville Ski Lodge opened by the von Tropp Family.

1966- Frankie Fontaine, the character who played the “Crazy Guggenheim” character on the Jackie Gleason Show attends Winter Carnival and says that he “fits right in and feels at home.” Crowds go wild.

1967 –“Winter of love.” Snowball fight ceases between City and Port Carbon.

1968 – King of the Carnival proclaims that he is more popular than coach Tubby Allen and the late Mayor Claude A. Lord combined, resulting boycotts and rioting.

1969 – “The White Button” is released by Carnival Committee with nothing on it.

1972 – Steam Heat Plant shuts down, parade trudges through snow filled Market Street with parade taking an unprecedented eighteen hours to complete; Five marching mummers are never found.

1973 – Pottsville’s new wider sidewalks allow more people of girth to watch parade.

1975 – “Swine Flu Shot” theme misses mark, worst theme since “Dutch Elm Disease.”

1979 – Only floats with odd-numbered license plates permitted to participate due to oil crisis. President Jimmy Carter laments about the mayonnaise while speaking at the Catholic War Veterans Lodge.

1980 –Despite the county’s high elderly population, Miss Slush contest vetoed.

1981 – Urine tests mandated by the city’s Surgeon General at all Winter Carnival events for no particular reason.

1984 – Nancy Reagan grand marshal of Parade with theme of “Just Say Snow.”

1985 – All athletic events cancelled until further notice by proclamation of the Pottsville Surgeon General who urges everyone to just stay home and play video games.

1987 – President Reagan appears at Carnival Coronation and urges the Mayor to “tear down this ball.” Instead the city demolishes Garfield School.

1994- Wonderbra controversy overshadows Carnival.

1995 – von Tropp family flee city by crossing over Sharp Mountain in the dead of night; skiing outlawed within city limits.  

1996 – Blizzard forces cancellation of synchronized skating competition at Norwegian Creek near the Trailways bus station.

1998- Pottsville narrows its sidewalks disenfranchising hundreds of  people of girth (politically correct term for fat people).

1999 – Theme of “Party Like Its 1899 1999” rejuvenates Carnival.

2000 – Y2K virus outbreak. Pong machine at Club 18 explodes.

2001 – Discrimination lawsuit is settled and Moustache Defrosting reintroduced as popular sporting.  Victory for women who are now allowed to participate.

2006 – Mayor announces construction of multi-million dollar Intermodal Building to house both Winter Carnival memorabilia and unsold buttons.

2009- Ban on body-piercing and tattoos for Miss Snowdrop competition outrages some helicopter mothers;

2011 – Wilhelmina Payne releases memoirs, “A Payneful Look Back on the Winter Carnival” and SanSon Productions buy movie rights for undisclosed sum.

2016- Donald Trump attends Carnival and promises to build a snow wall and make Orwigsburg pay for it saying it will stop the out-migration from Pottsville.

2018- Confirmation of Carnival Judge held up after accusation of misconduct during Carnival Polka Night in 1970 comes to light.  Judge confirmed anyway.

2019- Winterfest comes to Second Street!  Good Intent Fire Department assist 47 people that had lips frozen to metal beer cups.

Pottsville, 2023: a short story

                               this is my Atlas Shrugged I guess, written in a few days

Pottsville, 2023: a short story

             b.b. trout

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair…”

-        Charles Dickens

I should have been more careful in this Me Too era of Zero Tolerance that swept across the United States several years ago.  Now I am sitting in the grey prison cell in downtown Pottsville in what used to be the six story Thompson Building.  It had been emptied for many years until its recent conversion to a prison. At one time it was a bustling office building for professionals.  At least now this forgotten structure has tenants and activity.  With the Thompson Building transformed into a prison and its neighbor, the former American Bank Building, now the MTC – Misogynist Treatment Center (an in-patient facility), Pottsville’s population is no longer hemorrhaging.  I once joked that Pottsville’s sinking population would get a boost in the census reporting if our bi-polar residents were able to be counted twice.  I was severely reprimanded for my insensitivity and lost my job over it.  While the prison at the Thompson Building is all male, many of the patients at the MTC are women believe it or not.  Women who refuse to tow the Resistance line.  From my northern exposure window, I can watch the patients being brought in.  That building is almost filled to capacity, just like my prison.

  I await my fate despite not having received any written complaint of what I may have done to cause my incarceration.  I now must review not only my recent past but over sixty years of behavior.  All statutes of limitations were recently abolished by fiat.  All this came about after the U.S. Senate Judiciary Committee’s hearing on Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh and an allegation of groping and over-experimenting with booze as a minor.  You probably don’t remember that Supreme Court Justice Hugo Black had been a card-carrying member of the KKK prior to his nomination to the court by Franklin Roosevelt.  He was one of the Court’s great civil libertarians.  However, no one cares about history anymore.  Now every venial sin ever committed from the age of seven is justification for eternal damnation.  

I did think that the Kavanaugh nomination was a wrong decision.  Not because he was unqualified for the position but because the United States is a big country; maybe someone from outside the Boston-Washington corridor should also be on the bench.  I don’t believe Harvard and Yale have a monopoly on intelligence.  But besides intelligence the court needs a dose of common sense peppered with a perspective from another part of the country occasionally.

I stare out my window and see the electronic billboard flashing “All Men Are Liars.  All Women are Victims.”  I mutter that this can’t be really happening to me, but it was.  The billboards are everywhere.   The Resistance has won.  Due process no longer exists.  President Kristen Gillibrand has suspended many civil liberties for at least half of the population.  She proclaimed the nation needed a good cleansing after Trump left the office.  The nation needed a purge. 

The changes imposed by the presidential orders are vast.  Beginning in 2025 all professional and college sports teams cannot have more than 50% of “traditional male” players.  It sounds confusing, but any confusion is to be worked out by newly created bureaucratic agencies.  I am sure that this will give lots of employment to lawyers out there hungry for fees.  Auto racing is not included in executive order as that sport was out right banned; not because the spectators and fans are considered abominable, but because of the fuel used in the sport which adds to global warming.  Despite the fact that Matt Damon and Leo DiCaprio, both financial supporters of the Resistance, fly around the world in private jets using up lots of fuel, the executive order is now the law of the land.  I recall George Orwell’s words, “All animals are created equal, but some animals are more equal than others.”

The other presidential order that surprised me was a requirement that at every televised sporting event, a microphone is to be passed among the players to air grievances in equal time that the national anthem was sung.  The President stated this this is only fair to both sides.  Players could protest police wrongdoings, global warming, pot holes, the neglect of feral cats in this country, the lack of funding for male pattern baldness or any other cause the player is wrapped up in, only if the player projected the appearance of being a victim.  Freedom of speech is more important for victims than for any other people.  Sporting events now take on the appearance of the Festivus Holiday that was created on the old Seinfeld TV show; a show now deemed politically incorrect and banished to the darkest corners of the web.  The airing of grievances starts every game.  Both presidential orders were recently upheld by the Supreme Court in a landmark opinion handed down by Chief Justice Ginsburg (still alive and doing very well thanks to a series of organ transplants from a licensed Chinese organ harvesting facility).  She was joined by Justices Kagan, Sotomayor, Breyer and the newest justice, Gloria Allred.

I have no right to know the charges levelled against me.  I was told that I would be taken into court and examined and then removed from the court room so that my accuser could testify outside of my presence.  I had no right to confront my accuser as courtrooms must be made safe spaces for accusers.  My presence could be a microaggression and trigger unwanted anxiety in the accuser.  I was told that the burden of proof beyond a reasonable doubt was now on me.  I am presumed guilty before opening my mouth.   “All men are liars” flashes the billboard high above Route 61.  I wasn’t sure if I had fifth amendment rights anymore.  Would I be forced to incriminate myself? I had no answer.  I was told if I hire a lawyer, it was considered proof that I am hiding something.  If I say something, then my words are presumed to be lies.  Maybe I should confuse the tribunal and confess?  My refusal to take a lie detector test would be used against me.  My confession would be presumed a lie.  My confusion could maybe get me a suspended sentence.

I am hungry.  I wish I had a burger.  The prison only serves quiche and soy milk.  No burger for me.

But what if I did something offensive? How long ago? Where did it happen?  I will never be told until the sentencing.  Should not my past several decades of righteous living count for something and redeem youthful recklessness?  I was informed that atonement or redemption have been replaced by vengeance and retribution.  I sat motionless on my cot in the old office of George Lindsay, former city solicitor, Room 603 of the old Thompson Building, once considered Pottsville’s skyscraper when Pottsville was still a city.

Damn, I was hungry for a Coney burger. Lindsay’s faded photograph is still on the wall.  He was once a bright political star around here.

Anything I did inappropriate or harmful in high school or middle school, whether real or imagined, is now considered an offense that needs to be examined and “consequences” placed upon me.  Years ago, this was unimaginable as juvenile records were confidential.  Youngsters were considered not mature.  Behavior while young was not to haunt adult for the rest of his life.  Society wanted to ensure that a child or teen’s past did not harm their future.  After the Resistance won, everything changed.

The billboard now flashed, “The end justifies the means.”

My only hope is that the Resistance infighting continues.  One faction of the Resistance believes that all offenders, past and present, need to be weeded out and punished, regardless of political party.  The breakaway faction went after all “offenders” – Bill Clinton, of course.  I even heard reports that former Governor Ed Rendall was taken into custody; now incarcerated for alleged past misadventures.  Proof is no longer required, only a simple allegation.  At one-point Pottsville’s JFK swimming pool was to be renamed as he bedded an underage intern in the White House after giving her alcohol.  Many argued that the pool name not change, as Kennedy never laid a finger on any of the waitresses working at the Pottsville Garfield Diner when he spoke to the crowds in the city back in 1960, although he had opportunity to do so. It was suggested that it be renamed the Eleanor Roosevelt pool due to the aging population in the city.  No one could remember who Eleanor Roosevelt was, so that idea was dropped.  The pool was finally renamed after Stormy Daniels for helping the Resistance win the hearts and minds of the population.  No one cared or remembered that her past was sordid.  Years ago, Ms. Daniels might have labelled a prostitute or blackmailer, but all of that has changed.  We are amid the golden age of trash culture without even realizing it.  Anyway, no one cares about history anymore. 

The electronic billboard on Route 61 flashed “The end justifies the means.”

The other faction of the Resistance still overlooked transgressions of those who were useful to the cause.  Old Larry Flynt of Hustler Magazine fame is a big donor to the Resistance and he is still protected; likewise, the rap music industry and, of course, Comcast which sends pornography to subscribers.  Lots of money pours in from those folks who profit on misogyny, using women as a commodity to be degraded for customers.  The fashion industry also is a heavy contributor to the Resistance.  Yet that business creates body image problems for many young girls. 

The electronic billboard on Route 61 flashed once again, “The end justifies the means.”

Maybe I can be useful to the Resistance and my transgression, whatever it was, skipped over.  Money talks you know.  It always has.  It always will.

All that is happening to me is the result of my application for a position on the city’s zoning board.  Government is being cleansed from the top down to even lowly picayune local offices.  If I had only avoided attempting to get involved in city affairs, then my past behavior would have been disregarded.  I would have been left alone.  Now my application has become an invitation for the Resistance to probe deep into my past, to dissect my mind, to analyze my every action to determine if I will be loyal to the cause or be disloyal and labelled an enemy of their state.  Once my application was submitted I opened myself up for phone tapping, email hacking, bugging of my house, my letters and correspondence opened and copied.  I am astounded on the amount of surveillance material that the state had on me.  

A burly prison guard walks to my cell and tells me that my trial would begin tomorrow morning at 9:30 A.M.  I thank her for the tip and I begin to review my entire life.

My God! Do these guards realize how silly they look wearing those pink hats that became fashionable after Hillary lost the election?  I was not to think that Mrs. Clinton lost the election.  The head of the Department of Education, Rachel Maddow, has stated that Hillary did win but that the election was stolen by foreign forces.  Hillary Clinton will be listed as the duly elected president on all official records with an asterisk after her name indicating she was never permitted to hold the office because of foreign intervention.  What about her funding of the Steele dossier?  Didn’t both parties have dirty hands?  Didn’t Hillary have the primary system rigged in her favor giving the shaft to old Bernie Sanders?  I am glad I voted for Gary Johnson the Libertarian candidate.  I only wish he knew the word Aleppo when he was asked on the Morning Joe Show on MSNBC, in an ambush – a set-up interview when he was deemed a threat to Hillary.  Johnson should have been more concerned about world affairs than pot smoking; he mixed up Aleppo with falsetto and his poll numbers sank.  That’s what I read on Facebook.

Yes, there were bush parties in my youth that I now have trouble remembering.  As older teens we went through a rite of passage, drinking beer with friends in the woods, far away from adult supervision.  The bush party itself was an illegal activity.  John Mellencamp’s Cherry Bomb song rattled about in my head.

And the weekends went by so quick
Went ridin' around this little country town
We were goin' nuts, girl, out in the sticks

I understand that lack of intent, or mens rea, was no longer a defense anymore.  If I was inebriated, it was no excuse.  If it was one single incident, it was no excuse.  I was told the penalty for one inebriated incident could be a branding on my forehead.  Branding is no longer considered cruel and unusual.  I think branding is edgy, a step up from tattooing.  There are numerous branding parlors in downtown Pottsville now.  However, the word “pig” would be branded on my forehead.  Maybe I’d add letters and make it look like pigeon or pigmy.  Just don’t know.  I will wait until my sentence is imposed.

I remember a dance in a gymnasium.  A record player was spinning a 45 hit of Sam Cooke, “Bring It on Home to Me.”  It was time for this lonely gawky teenager to make his move, regardless of how awkward, as it was the last dance of the evening.  It was now or never.  I forget her name now, but I remember holding her close.  I remember the scent of her Aqua Net hair spray.  I remember my nervous right hand moving ever so slowly down from her waist to her butt before breathing a sigh of relief.  It was short-lived bliss as she pushed my hand back up to its starting position.  Could she be now pressing charges against me years later?  Sam Cooke died a violent death over a woman, how ironic that my fate could rest over where my roving hand landing while his song was playing in that dank gymnasium on an autumn Saturday night on Market Street in downtown Pottsville.

“Bring your sweet loving
Bring it on home to me…”

Was it wrong to watch the Benny Hill Show and laugh at the leering and groping by that British comic?  As a child I watched Harpo Marx chase a woman while honking his horn?  No, it had to be something more.    What about my Rolling Stones collection?  Honky Tonk Women? Taboo now.  The Resistance came down hard on the Stones after the takeover since Trump’s theme song was a Stones song.  I should have destroyed them all.  Now it’s too late.  My thoughts drifted off as I watched a rat cross my cell room.  Tom Brokaw, my favorite news reporter?  Insufficient to convict although allegations were made against him.  Books borrowed from the Pottsville Library by Ernest Hemingway or Norman Mailer?  Might those chauvinistic books have been revealed to authorities?  “To Kill A Mockingbird,” was another one I read. My God!  That despicable book had as its premise that a woman can lie under oath.  Atticus Finch, the stoic country lawyer is now deemed a chauvinistic demon due to his aggressive cross-examination of the woman victim, the poor Mayella Ewell.  I’m sure they will find out it was on my borrowed list. The Resistance checks everywhere.  Privacy no longer matters.  I am now convinced that Tom Robinson, the defendant, was guilty as hell of raping the woman.

Believe the woman! The billboard flashed once again.  I will make a button that reads “I believe Mayella Ewell” and wear it at my trial.

In 1972 at the Capitol Theatre I watched Marlon Brando’s movie “Last Tango in Paris” which had a sordid rape scene.  Did someone report that to the authorities?  I hated the film (but loved the soundtrack).  The film received great reviews at the time, mainly written by older members of the present Resistance.  I was thrown out of the theatre after demanding a refund.  How could I prove it?  The Theatre is gone – it’s a parking garage now.  The manager’s deceased. I’m sunk.  Maybe an investigation could still turn up some evidence to help me.  The old popcorn bag I kept will probably be used against me.

Did the police obtain a search warrant to search my house?  I sprang up from my cot and break into cold sweat.  My VHS tape of “Animal House” was in my den!  They would find it!  My heart sank. That’s enough to convict me.  “Animal House” is now considered equivalent to the original “Birth of a Nation” and condemned by the newly created Federal Department of Cultural Sanitation.  Bluto Blutarsky is the film equivalent of a slave master. I was told that the punishment for possessing a copy of the film was a minimum 40 hours in a reeducation camp, forced to watch “The View” on the tv, followed by two hours of Wolf Blitzer news reporting.  Cruel and unusual punishment.

Before collapsing back onto the cot in my cell, I remember why I did not destroy the tape! 

I will tell the tribunal that years ago I thought it was a funny movie, but I have since changed my mind.  My mind better be changed as the Resistance has now criminalized all private thoughts and private behavior.  The only humor permitted now is the monologue on Saturday Night Live.  Everyone is supposed to laugh out loud at the political propaganda dished out weekly on the show as comedic entertainment in similar fashion to the loud clapping and applause that North Korean Kim Jong-Un receives from his people.  Children are requested to inform the police if their parents did not mention how funny the political skits were at the Sunday morning breakfast table.  “I never laughed so much since the last episode.”  Co-workers are also to report anyone expressing a Monday morning negative review.  Yes, they are to turn in anyone who dare call a spade a spade by stating that the show is dull and repetitive.

Political correctness has killed comedy.  Propaganda rules.

The Resistance not only wants to control your public behavior, it wants to control your soul.  I will just keep quiet and say nothing.  I will turn off my mind and stop thinking.  In the words of George Orwell, “If you want to keep a secret, you must also hide it from yourself.”

     I can do that. I have to do that.  My life depends on it.  I will not say a word at my trial.

Damn I wish I had a Coney burger right now.

                                     

Safe Space In Pottsville

Foghorn Leghorn mural is now covered with plastic

Pottsville had determined that the city’s controversial mural of Foghorn Leghorn will be covered over.  

Some say it belongs at the Arts and Ethnic Center, others at the Walk-In Art Center, and still others say the Hegins Feed & Grain.  It’s future is still uncertain but for now, the mural located on the 800 block of Mahantongo Street will be draped with plastic as seen on photo on the right. 

The City has concluded that Foghorn Leghorn was offensive to the diverse runners, joggers, and strollers that participate in the Lager Jogger Race every April.  Having it covered over with plastic will avoid disrupting their times and keep Mahantongo Street a “safe space” for the runners and city snowflakes that need to be sheltered from any emotional discomfort. 

A city spokesperson stated that the large white adult leghorn rooster with a southern, “good ol’boy speaking accent” was no longer projecting the image that Pottsville wanted to present to the world.  “If Pottsville desires to restart the beloved American Way Fair,  it needs to discard the dark imagery of the past.  Foghorn Leghorn is loud, obnoxious and in-your-face…not necessarily in that order.  He ruffled a lot of feathers around here over the years.  He was fowl.”

To coincide with the covering of the poultry mural, the city is mulling over a proposal to abolish the prefix “south” in all street designations.  There would no longer be a South Jackson Street nor any other streets that carry that prefix.  A public meeting will be held next month to discuss the impact on mail delivery.

Not everyone in Pottsville is happy with the decision to drape the notorious rooster’s mural with plastic.  One bare-chested man on West Market Street irately stated to a reporter, "How can future generations learn if we're going to erase history? That's disgusting.  It was bad enough when the wooden mural was moved from Garfield Square to Mahantongo Street.  At one time that Square was filled with wooden cartoon characters that I could stop and talk to on my way downtown to loaf.  My favorite was Cletus from the Simpson Show.  God knows what the city did with that one…probably locked up in city hall’s basement. Man, I miss Cletus.”

The city’s decision is final however.  The spokesperson for the administration stated that “Mahantongo Street will be a better place with the mural wrapped in white plastic blowing in the wind.  The plastic will be a reminder for future generations that Pottsville is inclusive and that it rejects Foghornism and Leghornism and the misogyny that rooster represented.  Pottsville believes in plastic from this day forward.”

One tourist coming into Pottsville agreed.  “Driving into the city from Mount Carbon, the cityscape reminds me of General Sherman’s destructive March to the Sea…especially the lot across from the Pic-a-deli Market.  You don’t see commercial parking lots like that anywhere else.  The city's theme of scorched earth, ruins and rubble is mighty impressive.  Now that the big bird is covered over I am no longer intimidated to venture up Mahantongo Street.  The only suggestion I can make is that the plastic adorning the stylish townhouse should have been in a blue color. Blue is much more calming.  However, whatever the color,  I believe the tattered look needs to remain, as it cries out “I am Pottsville.”

The American Revolution as interpreted by b b trout

            

For over a century, immigrants came to North America from Europe in search of economic opportunities.  For example, once they arrived, “cash only” pizza shops quickly sprouted up and down the Atlantic coast. They also came for religious freedom.  Soon a smart entrepreneur came up with the idea of Kwanzaa to rival Christmas in terms of merchantability. “Only in America.”  However these early settlements were established under the control of the European Monarchs and the settlers were expected to be loyal.

It was not easy for these early immigrants. There were no cities, no paved roads, no shopping malls, no GPS, and no air conditioning.  All they found were trees and rivers.  Everything had to be built by hand. Actually by hands. By using both hands, their work load was dramatically shortened.  Today, most of us living outside of Pottsville are blessed with paved roads.

Religious persecution was prevalent in Europe, and many of the immigrants were thankful that they would soon have shopping malls opened on Easter and Christmas where they could do mindless shopping without fear of beheading. However it would take many years until Benjamin Franklin opened the first shopping mall – the Schuylkill Mall- where he could fly his kite in the immense parking lot.  The Mall has not changed since that time and kite flying is more prevalent than ever there.

As generations came and went, a sense of being an American took hold, replacing the old sense of pride of being just a displaced European - except in certain areas of the country, such as Girardville, where in 2015, everyone in town still wears a button asking to be kissed because they think they are Irish and not American. 

Most Colonists began to tire of hearing about Europe and whether one should be kissed or not because of Gaelic breath. When watching TV these colonists wanted the weather girl to give them local forecasts. They were not concerned about the dew count in London or Holland or France.  They wanted traffic reports about the King's Highway that led to Sunbury, not traffic reports from overseas. They also became displeased with the costs of trade restrictions, making it more difficult to sell “American-made” goods, such as hip hop records, overseas. They were stuck with these hip hop records, and we still suffer the consequences today.

Except for those living in Girardville, the colonists began to view themselves as separate from Europe, and identified with the new colonial states as being independent from the mother country. Also King George III, who was King of England, got his country into an expensive war with France. Although he managed to increase England’s territory in the Americas by taking over former French colonies such as Canada and, closer to home, Tremont - it came at a high price.

To cover the costs of war, King George began to impose lots of taxes on the American colonies.  He even threatened to impose taxes on goods sold over the internet and for that he was called "Mad" King George, as the internet was yet to be discovered. The first tax  he came up with was called the Stamp Tax which required all printed materials to have a stamp placed on them.  

Colonists were were outraged, and responded by boycotting all British goods including English Leather Aftershave, Billy London clothing and Spice Girls albums.  Things got out of hand and the Arthur Treacher's Fish and Chips Restaurant in Cressona was ransacked and burned to the ground. These fired up Americans also refused to place the stamp on any of their printed materials.  Magazines were gaining in popularity,  especially those that featured women of professional wrestling.

 

Many of the colonists began crying - "No taxation without representation!"  Those words became an instant sound-bite on the early cable network news stations.  King George soon caved in and magazines and the other reading materials no longer had to have a stamp.  However, new taxes were imposed on iced tea of all things.  This outraged the colonists to no end as they were hooked on Guers iced tea from the age of five, just like me.

Many refused to pay the tax.  In order to enforce these new tax laws, British officials requested military troops to aid them. This led to a bloody confrontation that became known as the New Boston Massacre.

The tax on the iced tea remained and in protest, men dressed up as Indians destroyed a truck load of iced tea that was being delivered to Brok-Sels.  To this day no one knows why the men did not simply drink the tea rather than waste it.

Without their iced tea, colonists began to suffer the symptoms of caffeine withdrawal and became more agitated. I don't know about you but  I need at least four half-pints a day. 

King George then imposed more restrictions upon the colonists, such as requiring helmets to be worn when riding on horseback. Again, more agitation to an already cranky population suffering from caffeine withdrawal.

Colonists in the Americas became increasingly convinced that they needed to take more aggressive steps in order to protect themselves and their liberty. They did not want to wear helmets on top of their pilgrim hats. That was intolerable.  Rumors circulated that smoking would be banned anywhere but the smokehouse.

Soon delegates from all 13 colonies convened in New Philadelphia to work as a group.  Resolutions were soon passed requesting that helmet laws be repealed and that all bakers be required to make cakes for gay weddings whether the cakes were ordered or not, or the cakes paid for in cash or on credit card. 

Tensions increased and soon all hell would break loose.  The men in the colonies prepared to protect their liberty by forming groups known as the Minutemen, a name given to them by their wives for some unknown reason. 

Before you know it Paul Revere and the Raiders began shouting "The Redcoats are coming!" (another sound-bite picked up by cable network news) and then sang their hit song that was sweeping the Colonies, "Cherokee Nation."  The crowds went wild. 
These events inspired Thomas Jefferson to write the Declaration of Independence in 1776. The Revolution in America began in earnest (actually in New Philadelphia, and not in Earnest).

                     The rest is history, or so you think. 

Today we celebrate this joyous occasion of liberty that all men and women are created equal to be free to drink as much iced tea as humanly possible, and that no helmets have to be worn when we ride a horse regardless of head size, that Arthur Treacher's Fish and Chips will never return to Cressona, and finally, that bakers are now forced under penalty of law to immediately bake cakes for any wedding, regardless of the flavor of the cake or the number of tiers requested, or whether their ovens are in working order or not. 
               Isn't that what freedom is all about?

                                                    

                                 God Bless America.