Hunkered Down: COVID-19 special edition

                                              Hunkered Down 

I’ve been shut out of the Historical Society for days now.  No, my membership did not lapse.  I’ve been shut out as a result of the virus attack.  You know, the COVID-19 virus.  The first thing I will do when it reopens is to suggest to the staff that they eliminate any references to geographic or ethnic adjectives on past pandemics.  You know, “Spanish” flu is an insulting term to those of Hispanic origin. Also, many get the name confused with Spanish fly.   Likewise using the term “German” measles caused sauerkraut sales to plummet at Renninger's Market.  MERS is insulting to those living in the Middle East and Lyme disease is insulting to those from Connecticut.  Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever places a stigma on anyone owning a John Denver record.  I own one, it’s called “Please Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk on Christmas)."  Its playing right now as you read this.  Take a listen: THE BEST CHRISTMAS SONG EVER WRITTEN.

Meanwhile, I am hunkered down in my fallout shelter that my family dug in the early 1960s.  I am trying to pass the time.  We stored away lots of food and vital supplies that have been untouched for years; for instance cases of Mount Carbon Bavarian beer, beer bologna and Mootz chocolates.  Did you know that every Mootz peanut roll has exactly 38 small pieces of peanut attached? Probably not.  However, I have lots of time on my hands now.  Also, you probably did not know that Necho Allen, the discoverer of anthracite coal, also created the recipe for coal candy.  I plan to take the tiny metal buckets that held its precious cargo to the recycling center once the coast is clear.  For now I use them as ash trays. Luckily I stored cartons of cigarettes away and I don't have to read the stupid Surgeon General Warnings on them.   

Looking around the shelter, I have quite a collection of county memorabilia.  Did you know that the first eye chart in the county used Pennsylvania Dutch colorful lettering, but which spelled out an off-color word?  I have one of those.  Its hanging on my fallout shelter wall.  I read it aloud now and Mammie gets a chuckle out of it.  We are a safe six feet distance from each other.  Coincidentally that is the same distance we’ve been keeping for the past twenty years. 

I have many old newspapers and magazines down here that I dusted off that relate to Schuylkill County.  Back in 1962, the headline of the Pottsville Republican was that the borough of Mount Carbon was considering merging with Roadside America.  Luckily, that never happened.  Roadside America is now gone but, thank God, we still are blessed with Mount Carbon. 

I dusted off an old mechanical science book on the first elevator installed in the Thompson Building.  Astonishingly, for years it only went up.  Another rare book I have down here is on the secret society known as “the Mollie Maguires.”  Most people don’t realize that the original name was going to be “the Mary Margaret Maguires,” but the 3M Company threatened a lawsuit. 

Mamie is reading an old newspaper from the early 1960’s with an in-depth investigative report on superior court Judge G. Harold Watkins.  She was surprised to learn that his favorite Disney character was really Donald Duck.  That blew my mind!  Sadly, the press doesn’t do investigative reporting anymore.  In the same issue there is an interesting  historical article on the 1898 Spelling Bee when it was raided by the Pottsville vice squad after the word petticoat was said aloud to a young female contestant. 

So much time on my hands, with this pandemic.  Luckily for the county this disease was called the coronavirus and not the yuenglingvirus. Then we would be up the creek without a paddle. I know and I pray that we will recover and Schuylkill County economically will get back on its knees where it was before the outbreak.

Now back to my old newspapers and magazines. I am reading that the biggest fear that county residents had years ago, was not about catching a virus, but rather getting accousted by Vulcans trying to sell them Winter Carnival Buttons.  

                                    My times have changed.  

The Sign Man of Mahantongo Street

                 THE SIGN MAN OF MAHANTONGO STREET

While driving down Mahantongo Street along the eight hundred block I noticed a spark of defiance against the System.  I looked over at the rotting buildings that appear to ooze mold, filth and decay along this once proud and prestigious street…buildings that will eventually pull their neighbors buildings into its hideous web of no return.  Yes, I saw a spark of defiance against the System. 

Someone dared to place a large sign on the building with three words “Jail the Owner.”  The person who placed the sign probably did so out of despair; he or she finally realized that the System has no intention of enforcing its building codes, of helping those property owners nearby who still have antiquated habits of maintaining their real estate.  Some of the rot has been left untouched by the System for decades. 

The System generally tells a complainer that the slumlord cannot be identified or found. 

Pssst….here is a little secret:

Tax Map	68-35-0058.000
Parcel Address	800 MAHANTONGO STREET POTTSVILLE, PA 17901
School District	Pottsville Area
Municipality	Pottsville
Owner Name		Owner Address		Deed Bk/PG	Sale Date
ARRAKI RACHID		2252 FIRST AVE, APT 5D NEW YORK, NY 10029		2601/1454	7/25/2017

 So just ignore any answer like the following:

“Nope, can’t figure out who owns the limited liability company, now move along…we have more important priorities, like planning the next downtown beer party….Don’t you know we spent about $18 million on Union Station….Don’t you know that 147 plastic clings in the shapes of squares, circles and triangles were placed on the windows of the Thompson Building.”

So the rot, decay and mold will continue and the System will remain in power arranging periodic deals with quasi-governmental entities to rehabilitate a structure here and there.   In ten years, the Thompson Building will still remain a historic relic similar to the ruins of Pompeii.  The majority will not make waves against the System, the majority will continue to openly applaud the System.  They will behave like good sheep and avoid the downtown, but quietly worry that the falling façade may land on the heads of tourists mesmerized by the geometric window clings decorating the empty windows.

I would like to meet and thank the man (or woman) who placed the sign on 800 Mahantongo Street. I compare that person to the unidentified man at Tiananmen Square who on June 5, 1989 stood in front of the columns of tanks.  The Mahantongo Street sign is telling everyone who passes by that the System has failed…Blight is to be the norm.  There will be no code enforcement.  In a way the sign is also telling us that we have all been lied to.  The sign is announcing that there will be no revitalization.  The sign is telling us that there will be no renaissance.  The sign is telling us that the only millennials who will be coming to live in Pottsville will be those coming into the prison or the local crack houses.

Yes the Sign Man of Mahantongo is our Tank Man of Tianamen.  Sign Man is telling everyone to wake up and realize the System will not help you.  Sign Man is telling us to take grassroots action.  Follow Sign Man’s example. Put up signs on the slums and drug dens.  Take photographs and put them online.  Wake up the System and tell the System that we are mad as hell and we won’t take it anymore.  Tell the System that the $18 million spent of Union Station did not stop the rot and decay.  Take enforcing the code into your own hands.  File private complaints at the district justice office.  Tell the System and the plutocrats to take their geometric window clings and shove them where the sun don’t shine!

Owners of real estate can be easily identified by going to the Schuylkill County Parcel Locator on -line.  The names and addresses of the owners can be found there.  If the owner is a Pennsylvania Limited Liability Company or Corporation, then go the Pennsylvania Department of State website and put in the name of the entity, it will give you the address of the entity. You may need to send in a few dollars to get more information such as the name of the owner.  However, you can google that address. It may take a few minutes to accomplish what City Hall may tell you is impossible.  Take matters into your own hands and don’t listen to lame excuses anymore!  Remember the Sign Man of Mahantongo Street!!

                        “Jail the Owner”

City Problem Solving 101

                                             City Problem Solving 101

                                                            b.b. trout

Did you read the article in the paper several days ago about city officials concerned about the  blighted properties that may give a bad impression to the incoming logger joggers? 

 I did.  

Especially high on the worry list is the real estate at 802-804 Mahantongo Street.  Apparently with the title of those dwellings in an entity known as D & B Realty LLC, the city is totally baffled as to who the people really behind that fictitious mask.  

Notable detectives were recently summoned to an emergency meeting at City Hall.  It was a who’s who of sleuths.  Nick and Nora Charles, Nancy Drew, Mike Hammer, Miss Marple, Thomas Magnum, Hercule Poirot, Remington Steele and even Springfield’s Chief Wiggums attended the meeting, all giving advice to the beleaguered city officials.  Who is the manager of D & B Realty, LLC?

 I was there too.  I told them that the owners are probably residents of Allentown who ownan  expensive piece of real estate in Norwegian Township on Emerald Lane.  I told the city officials that it was quite easy to find these owners simply by looking at the PA Department of State website.  That site lists the address of D&B Realty as Emerald Lane, Marlin.  The Schuylkill County parcel locator gives the names and address of the owners of the Emerald Lane property.  They are most likely the owners of D&B Realty and their Allentown address is given. Quite simple.  No need for detectives. Case closed.   However, I was ignored as usual. Bloodhounds were ordered to assist and Chief Wiggums called out for Chinese.

The Code Enforcement Official had told the paper that “Nobody’s happy with the way the property looks” referring to 802-804 Mahantongo.  I, of course, disagreed.  I think it looks great.  Of course, I am a World War II reenactor and it reminds me of the siege of Stalingrad every day as I pass up and down.  Now that was a battle.  

The city officials wanted some solutions, in lieu of enforcing the code.  With so little time left before race time, I offered the city the following solutions to keep these millennial racers content:

•       Have the Molly Trolley bus the racers before starting time to West Market Street.  After looking at the 700 block of West Market, Mahantongo Street will certainly look more attractive.  Everything is relative you know.
•       Have Winter Carnival Princesses, Vulcans and Vulcanettes stationed every so many yards distracting the racers’ attention away for the crumbling ruins.   
•       Painted canvas could be draped over the fronts of the buildings, giving an illusion of more stately buildings.  802-804 could be covered over with a canvas of “The Emerald City,” since the owners of the building have a connection to Emerald Lane in Marlin.
•       A giant sign could be erected stating “Pardon our dust! Remodeling underway.”  This will give those millennials a false hope that progress is being made.  Millennials are noted for short attention spans, so this trick could work for years.
•        All racers could be blindfolded.
•        East Penn buses could be mustered into service, emitting their legendary exhaust fumes to hide the crumbling structures.
•        Have Yuengling drinking stations on every block.  No one will care what the hell the buildings look like.8.     Release a pack of hungry pit bulls behind the racers.
•      I was politely told to leave the emergency meeting as I was wasting precious time.  The identity of D&B Realty, LLC which has remained shrouded in mystery for years needed to be solved.  I told them once again to check the Department of State website but no one was listening as Chief Wiggum's' order of General Tso had arrived.

II went back home to iron my pajamas which I had just washed.  I wanted to look my best for race day to impress those millenials flocking into our city. 

The Definitive History of Pottsville Winter Carnival

                                           The Definitive History of Pottsville Winter Carnival 

1888 – Blizzard hits Schuylkill County. Winter Carnival is born when two men shovel Market Street for the first time and crowd gathers to watch.

1899 – Winter Carnival Parade now features Third Brigade Band, beer wagon, two horses and a fire truck; first theme “Let’s Party Like It’s 1899.”

1900- Moustache defrosting is first competition event.  

1901 – Winter Carnival King frees the serfs; long underwear arrives from Tamaqua.

1905 - the first telemarketer phone call in Pottsville asks “do you want to buy a button?”

1910- Steam heat under Market St.allows for sub-zero parades to continue for decades.

1916 – The first Vulcan arrives in Pottsville, terrorized citizenry hide.

1917 – Interfaith Council preach against “the sinister influence of Vulcans on our Youth.”

1918 – Unity Day in city calms fears of Vulcans settling in the county.

1919 – Women permitted to participate in Winter Carnival after years of demonstrating.

1920 – “Spanish Flu” deemed worst Winter Carnival theme of all time.

1921- First Winter Carnival Queen Contest held at the Hippodrome Theatre.

1925 – Yuengling Ice Cream sponsors the first Telegraph Night.

1926- Pottsville curling team cheated out of title for violating franchise territorial rules when it competed in New Philadelphia by accident, thinking it was Cumbola.

1927- John O’Hara publishes fictionalized version of Winter Carnival, “Appointment in Jalappa” out of bitterness for being turned down as a Vulcan; Pottsville scandalized.

1932 – Prohibition ends. Yuengling Brewery now sponsors Radio Night and Carnival becomes a lot more fun even though it’s quite a depression outside.

1936 – Winter Carnival King abdicates his throne to marry the woman he loves.

1937- Hair pulling competition banned from Winter Carnival Snowflake Princess Pageant for being “unlady-like.”

1941- World War II results in Winter Carnival parade floats being pulled by dog teams to conserver gasoline.

1942 – One million old buttons collected for war effort at Wiener’s in Mount Carbon.

1943 –The high-pitched dialect of Vulcans is used by Defense Department to relay unbreakable secret commands during the war.

1944 – Carnival mascot Pottsie Ottsie mistakenly arrested by FBI, released after proving he was not the notorious Pottsie Nazi saboteur.

1945 – Germany surrenders after Berlin bombarded by one million carnival buttons.

1950 – high birth rate of boomer babies results in Little Miss Snowdrop Contest.

1955 – Congressional hearings in Washington focus on alleged subversive Winter Carnival Polka Night activities; accordion players from Minersville refuse to answer questions and are blacklisted from Yok Tom Billy Urban radio show.

1957 –Iced Tea Night sponsored by local business is guered to the young.

1958 – Hula Hoop competition added as event amid protests from some that hoops are too small for the average county waistline.

1959 – Queen contestants no longer have to answer final question in pig latin.

1961 – Moustache Defrosting dropped as an event and replaced with fifty mile walk in the snow after JFK issues a challenge.

1965- Pottsville Ski Lodge opened by the von Tropp Family.

1966- Frankie Fontaine, the character who played the “Crazy Guggenheim” character on the Jackie Gleason Show attends Winter Carnival and says that he “fits right in and feels at home.” Crowds go wild.

1967 –“Winter of love.” Snowball fight ceases between City and Port Carbon.

1968 – King of the Carnival proclaims that he is more popular than coach Tubby Allen and the late Mayor Claude A. Lord combined, resulting boycotts and rioting.

1969 – “The White Button” is released by Carnival Committee with nothing on it.

1972 – Steam Heat Plant shuts down, parade trudges through snow filled Market Street with parade taking an unprecedented eighteen hours to complete; Five marching mummers are never found.

1973 – Pottsville’s new wider sidewalks allow more people of girth to watch parade.

1975 – “Swine Flu Shot” theme misses mark, worst theme since “Dutch Elm Disease.”

1979 – Only floats with odd-numbered license plates permitted to participate due to oil crisis. President Jimmy Carter laments about the mayonnaise while speaking at the Catholic War Veterans Lodge.

1980 –Despite the county’s high elderly population, Miss Slush contest vetoed.

1981 – Urine tests mandated by the city’s Surgeon General at all Winter Carnival events for no particular reason.

1984 – Nancy Reagan grand marshal of Parade with theme of “Just Say Snow.”

1985 – All athletic events cancelled until further notice by proclamation of the Pottsville Surgeon General who urges everyone to just stay home and play video games.

1987 – President Reagan appears at Carnival Coronation and urges the Mayor to “tear down this ball.” Instead the city demolishes Garfield School.

1994- Wonderbra controversy overshadows Carnival.

1995 – von Tropp family flee city by crossing over Sharp Mountain in the dead of night; skiing outlawed within city limits.  

1996 – Blizzard forces cancellation of synchronized skating competition at Norwegian Creek near the Trailways bus station.

1998- Pottsville narrows its sidewalks disenfranchising hundreds of  people of girth (politically correct term for fat people).

1999 – Theme of “Party Like Its 1899 1999” rejuvenates Carnival.

2000 – Y2K virus outbreak. Pong machine at Club 18 explodes.

2001 – Discrimination lawsuit is settled and Moustache Defrosting reintroduced as popular sporting.  Victory for women who are now allowed to participate.

2006 – Mayor announces construction of multi-million dollar Intermodal Building to house both Winter Carnival memorabilia and unsold buttons.

2009- Ban on body-piercing and tattoos for Miss Snowdrop competition outrages some helicopter mothers;

2011 – Wilhelmina Payne releases memoirs, “A Payneful Look Back on the Winter Carnival” and SanSon Productions buy movie rights for undisclosed sum.

2016- Donald Trump attends Carnival and promises to build a snow wall and make Orwigsburg pay for it saying it will stop the out-migration from Pottsville.

2018- Confirmation of Carnival Judge held up after accusation of misconduct during Carnival Polka Night in 1970 comes to light.  Judge confirmed anyway.

2019- Winterfest comes to Second Street!  Good Intent Fire Department assist 47 people that had lips frozen to metal beer cups.