New Year Baby Contest Cancelled

 

     NEW YEAR BABY CONTEST CANCELLED AMIDST PANDEMIC

                               City in a tizzy

  

Pottsville City officials met late into the night at zoom meeting to discuss the fate of one of its most beloved events – the annual New Year Baby Contest.  For nearly 200 years the contest brought tears to the eyes of both mothers and reluctant fathers, who all vied for a chance to win prizes donated from downtown merchants.  Records indicate that in 1827 the chief burgess proclaimed that the town would reward fertility on the beginning of every calendar year with modest prizes awarded.  Miss Priscilla Boyer, the first recipient, received a quart of sauerkraut, lace-trimmed pantaloons, two candlesticks and dinner for two at the White Horse Tavern.  The father, a nameless itinerant peddler, would have received a brass spittoon but it was never claimed. The spittoon was eventually escheated to the state where it sits today in a corner.  

With the COVID-19 virus enveloping the nation, the weary Pottsville Surgeon General held a press conference on March 18^th from his booth at the old Eagles Club on South Second Street, still strewn with tattered St. Patrick’s Day decorations.  He crushed his cigarette and told the reporters that he was recommending social distancing - a practice that would obviously make conception much more difficult.  He also announced that people should follow his example and drink alone, releasing a catchy slogan, “If the virus makes you cough and groan, don’t fret and just drink alone”   before rambling into his theory on the curative effects of boilo.  When pressed on the cancellation of social events, he took a wait and see attitude on the future of the New Year Baby Contest and Senior Olympics. 

The cancellation of the 2021 New Year Baby Contest immediately sent shockwaves throughout the city.  At its peak in the 1970s hundreds would camp outside the Pottsville Hospital for several days and nights waiting for the winner to be announced and hoping to catch a glimpse of the baby; with many of the men curious as to who the baby looked like in a time before the discovery of dna testing.  The contest was also good for the local economy as the numerous downtown bookies worked overtime as thousands placed bets on whether the baby would be a girl or a boy ( a practice now outlawed), the height and weight of the child, color of the eyes, and the number of hairs on the baby’s head. 

The cancellation is especially difficult on many young girls who already are in the dark wondering if their school would reopen. And now this.

Hunkered Down: COVID-19 special edition

                                              Hunkered Down 

I’ve been shut out of the Historical Society for days now.  No, my membership did not lapse.  I’ve been shut out as a result of the virus attack.  You know, the COVID-19 virus.  The first thing I will do when it reopens is to suggest to the staff that they eliminate any references to geographic or ethnic adjectives on past pandemics.  You know, “Spanish” flu is an insulting term to those of Hispanic origin. Also, many get the name confused with Spanish fly.   Likewise using the term “German” measles caused sauerkraut sales to plummet at Renninger's Market.  MERS is insulting to those living in the Middle East and Lyme disease is insulting to those from Connecticut.  Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever places a stigma on anyone owning a John Denver record.  I own one, it’s called “Please Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk on Christmas)."  Its playing right now as you read this.  Take a listen: THE BEST CHRISTMAS SONG EVER WRITTEN.

Meanwhile, I am hunkered down in my fallout shelter that my family dug in the early 1960s.  I am trying to pass the time.  We stored away lots of food and vital supplies that have been untouched for years; for instance cases of Mount Carbon Bavarian beer, beer bologna and Mootz chocolates.  Did you know that every Mootz peanut roll has exactly 38 small pieces of peanut attached? Probably not.  However, I have lots of time on my hands now.  Also, you probably did not know that Necho Allen, the discoverer of anthracite coal, also created the recipe for coal candy.  I plan to take the tiny metal buckets that held its precious cargo to the recycling center once the coast is clear.  For now I use them as ash trays. Luckily I stored cartons of cigarettes away and I don't have to read the stupid Surgeon General Warnings on them.   

Looking around the shelter, I have quite a collection of county memorabilia.  Did you know that the first eye chart in the county used Pennsylvania Dutch colorful lettering, but which spelled out an off-color word?  I have one of those.  Its hanging on my fallout shelter wall.  I read it aloud now and Mammie gets a chuckle out of it.  We are a safe six feet distance from each other.  Coincidentally that is the same distance we’ve been keeping for the past twenty years. 

I have many old newspapers and magazines down here that I dusted off that relate to Schuylkill County.  Back in 1962, the headline of the Pottsville Republican was that the borough of Mount Carbon was considering merging with Roadside America.  Luckily, that never happened.  Roadside America is now gone but, thank God, we still are blessed with Mount Carbon. 

I dusted off an old mechanical science book on the first elevator installed in the Thompson Building.  Astonishingly, for years it only went up.  Another rare book I have down here is on the secret society known as “the Mollie Maguires.”  Most people don’t realize that the original name was going to be “the Mary Margaret Maguires,” but the 3M Company threatened a lawsuit. 

Mamie is reading an old newspaper from the early 1960’s with an in-depth investigative report on superior court Judge G. Harold Watkins.  She was surprised to learn that his favorite Disney character was really Donald Duck.  That blew my mind!  Sadly, the press doesn’t do investigative reporting anymore.  In the same issue there is an interesting  historical article on the 1898 Spelling Bee when it was raided by the Pottsville vice squad after the word petticoat was said aloud to a young female contestant. 

So much time on my hands, with this pandemic.  Luckily for the county this disease was called the coronavirus and not the yuenglingvirus. Then we would be up the creek without a paddle. I know and I pray that we will recover and Schuylkill County economically will get back on its knees where it was before the outbreak.

Now back to my old newspapers and magazines. I am reading that the biggest fear that county residents had years ago, was not about catching a virus, but rather getting accousted by Vulcans trying to sell them Winter Carnival Buttons.  

                                    My times have changed.  

The Sign Man of Mahantongo Street

                 THE SIGN MAN OF MAHANTONGO STREET

While driving down Mahantongo Street along the eight hundred block I noticed a spark of defiance against the System.  I looked over at the rotting buildings that appear to ooze mold, filth and decay along this once proud and prestigious street…buildings that will eventually pull their neighbors buildings into its hideous web of no return.  Yes, I saw a spark of defiance against the System. 

Someone dared to place a large sign on the building with three words “Jail the Owner.”  The person who placed the sign probably did so out of despair; he or she finally realized that the System has no intention of enforcing its building codes, of helping those property owners nearby who still have antiquated habits of maintaining their real estate.  Some of the rot has been left untouched by the System for decades. 

The System generally tells a complainer that the slumlord cannot be identified or found. 

Pssst….here is a little secret:

Tax Map	68-35-0058.000
Parcel Address	800 MAHANTONGO STREET POTTSVILLE, PA 17901
School District	Pottsville Area
Municipality	Pottsville
Owner Name		Owner Address		Deed Bk/PG	Sale Date
ARRAKI RACHID		2252 FIRST AVE, APT 5D NEW YORK, NY 10029		2601/1454	7/25/2017

 So just ignore any answer like the following:

“Nope, can’t figure out who owns the limited liability company, now move along…we have more important priorities, like planning the next downtown beer party….Don’t you know we spent about $18 million on Union Station….Don’t you know that 147 plastic clings in the shapes of squares, circles and triangles were placed on the windows of the Thompson Building.”

So the rot, decay and mold will continue and the System will remain in power arranging periodic deals with quasi-governmental entities to rehabilitate a structure here and there.   In ten years, the Thompson Building will still remain a historic relic similar to the ruins of Pompeii.  The majority will not make waves against the System, the majority will continue to openly applaud the System.  They will behave like good sheep and avoid the downtown, but quietly worry that the falling façade may land on the heads of tourists mesmerized by the geometric window clings decorating the empty windows.

I would like to meet and thank the man (or woman) who placed the sign on 800 Mahantongo Street. I compare that person to the unidentified man at Tiananmen Square who on June 5, 1989 stood in front of the columns of tanks.  The Mahantongo Street sign is telling everyone who passes by that the System has failed…Blight is to be the norm.  There will be no code enforcement.  In a way the sign is also telling us that we have all been lied to.  The sign is announcing that there will be no revitalization.  The sign is telling us that there will be no renaissance.  The sign is telling us that the only millennials who will be coming to live in Pottsville will be those coming into the prison or the local crack houses.

Yes the Sign Man of Mahantongo is our Tank Man of Tianamen.  Sign Man is telling everyone to wake up and realize the System will not help you.  Sign Man is telling us to take grassroots action.  Follow Sign Man’s example. Put up signs on the slums and drug dens.  Take photographs and put them online.  Wake up the System and tell the System that we are mad as hell and we won’t take it anymore.  Tell the System that the $18 million spent of Union Station did not stop the rot and decay.  Take enforcing the code into your own hands.  File private complaints at the district justice office.  Tell the System and the plutocrats to take their geometric window clings and shove them where the sun don’t shine!

Owners of real estate can be easily identified by going to the Schuylkill County Parcel Locator on -line.  The names and addresses of the owners can be found there.  If the owner is a Pennsylvania Limited Liability Company or Corporation, then go the Pennsylvania Department of State website and put in the name of the entity, it will give you the address of the entity. You may need to send in a few dollars to get more information such as the name of the owner.  However, you can google that address. It may take a few minutes to accomplish what City Hall may tell you is impossible.  Take matters into your own hands and don’t listen to lame excuses anymore!  Remember the Sign Man of Mahantongo Street!!

                        “Jail the Owner”

City Problem Solving 101

                                             City Problem Solving 101

                                                            b.b. trout

Did you read the article in the paper several days ago about city officials concerned about the  blighted properties that may give a bad impression to the incoming logger joggers? 

 I did.  

Especially high on the worry list is the real estate at 802-804 Mahantongo Street.  Apparently with the title of those dwellings in an entity known as D & B Realty LLC, the city is totally baffled as to who the people really behind that fictitious mask.  

Notable detectives were recently summoned to an emergency meeting at City Hall.  It was a who’s who of sleuths.  Nick and Nora Charles, Nancy Drew, Mike Hammer, Miss Marple, Thomas Magnum, Hercule Poirot, Remington Steele and even Springfield’s Chief Wiggums attended the meeting, all giving advice to the beleaguered city officials.  Who is the manager of D & B Realty, LLC?

 I was there too.  I told them that the owners are probably residents of Allentown who ownan  expensive piece of real estate in Norwegian Township on Emerald Lane.  I told the city officials that it was quite easy to find these owners simply by looking at the PA Department of State website.  That site lists the address of D&B Realty as Emerald Lane, Marlin.  The Schuylkill County parcel locator gives the names and address of the owners of the Emerald Lane property.  They are most likely the owners of D&B Realty and their Allentown address is given. Quite simple.  No need for detectives. Case closed.   However, I was ignored as usual. Bloodhounds were ordered to assist and Chief Wiggums called out for Chinese.

The Code Enforcement Official had told the paper that “Nobody’s happy with the way the property looks” referring to 802-804 Mahantongo.  I, of course, disagreed.  I think it looks great.  Of course, I am a World War II reenactor and it reminds me of the siege of Stalingrad every day as I pass up and down.  Now that was a battle.  

The city officials wanted some solutions, in lieu of enforcing the code.  With so little time left before race time, I offered the city the following solutions to keep these millennial racers content:

•       Have the Molly Trolley bus the racers before starting time to West Market Street.  After looking at the 700 block of West Market, Mahantongo Street will certainly look more attractive.  Everything is relative you know.
•       Have Winter Carnival Princesses, Vulcans and Vulcanettes stationed every so many yards distracting the racers’ attention away for the crumbling ruins.   
•       Painted canvas could be draped over the fronts of the buildings, giving an illusion of more stately buildings.  802-804 could be covered over with a canvas of “The Emerald City,” since the owners of the building have a connection to Emerald Lane in Marlin.
•       A giant sign could be erected stating “Pardon our dust! Remodeling underway.”  This will give those millennials a false hope that progress is being made.  Millennials are noted for short attention spans, so this trick could work for years.
•        All racers could be blindfolded.
•        East Penn buses could be mustered into service, emitting their legendary exhaust fumes to hide the crumbling structures.
•        Have Yuengling drinking stations on every block.  No one will care what the hell the buildings look like.8.     Release a pack of hungry pit bulls behind the racers.
•      I was politely told to leave the emergency meeting as I was wasting precious time.  The identity of D&B Realty, LLC which has remained shrouded in mystery for years needed to be solved.  I told them once again to check the Department of State website but no one was listening as Chief Wiggum's' order of General Tso had arrived.

II went back home to iron my pajamas which I had just washed.  I wanted to look my best for race day to impress those millenials flocking into our city.