Courthouse bans smoking

May 31st is the anniversary of the Johnstown flood, a sad day in Pennsylvania’s history. This May 31st will be another sad day. It will be the day the last tobacco product is inhaled in the Schuylkill County Courthouse.

By edict of the County Commissioners, the legendary “Canteen,”the bistro located in the Courthouse basement, will no longer permit its patrons to light up. A rich chapter of tobacco usage will be closing.

Smoking had been a part of our county’s history. It was said that John Pott actually purchased the land the Courthouse sits on from the Lenni Lenape Indians for a carton of Camels, a box of Mootz peanut rolls, and a six-pack of Yuengling’s. After checking the old court manuscripts at the Historical Society, I discovered that smoking had been permitted everywhere in the Courthouse for decades. In fact it was once a job requirement; more important than say, punctuality or telephone manners. If an employee did not smoke, the likelihood of being fired increased.

There is something untrustworthy about “goody two-shoes” non-smokers.

To commemorate the unhappy occasion on May 31st, there will be a special celebration in the Courthouse with festivities beginning at 9 o’clock and continuing until closing time. For some it will take the form of dressing up as one’s favorite smoker – Marlene Dietrich, Humphrey Bogart, Bette Davis, Cheech, Mae West, Chong, Franklin Roosevelt, Popeye and Keith Richards, just to name a few. Some costumes will be more comical, Joe Camel, The Marlboro Man, Cruella De Vil, and "the Cigarette Smoking Man" from the old TV show, X-Files, will certainly be welcomed additions to bring some levity to the end of an era. I understand that several office clerks will be dressing up as “The Old Gold” dancing cigarette packs. It is this attitude of facing a crisis with a smile on one’s face that makes me proud of this County.

The row offices are not alone. While many of the row employees will wear smoking jackets and fezs, I was told that the court crier emeritus will don a bellhop uniform and “Call for Philip Morrr-issssssss!” one last time in Courtroom Number One at the stroke of four.

No, it will not just be another costume party in the Court House. There will be lots of games. Bets will be placed on who will win the ‘smoke ring’ contest. Then there is the “Who will be the employee to blow the most smoke rings with one breathe?” Your guess is as good as mine. Then there is the sophisticated “French inhale” competition scheduled for three o’clock. If you are not familiar with this European game, a contestant takes a good-sized drag from a cigarette, but instead of inhaling, the smoke is gently pushed up into the nostrils. It has been a ritual at the Courthouse since the Molly Maguire hangings. For those who want something less intense, I recommend both the “multiple cigarettes” smoking contest, as well as the “puffing and dragging” competition which pits title searchers against the Courthouse retirees.
Yes, the identity of the last person to puff away is being held confidential. You can compare it to the opening ceremony at the Schuylkill County Senior Olympics, when some top secret octogenarian gets to light the cauldron to the amazement of the crowds.

I will be there in the Canteen filled with the usual crowd, my eyes filled with tears that are held back in the sad revelry, knowing that the good times are coming to an end.

I have a guess as to who will get to savor the last puff before the Sheriff Department clears out the Canteen and hands out Black Jack chewing gum, as if that will pacify the mob. When the partying ends at 4:30 PM I will look through the thick cloud of smoke hovering over the Canteen, at the men and women holding onto their cigarette lighters, holders, ash trays, corn cob pipes, cigars, hookahs, and bongs knowing that once the last butt is stomped out, the courthouse employees may have cleaner lungs but they will also become more irritable, cranky, depressed and edgy, while gaining weight at an astounding rate.

A brave new world indeed.