the federal stimulus package and the New Year Baby Contest

I read in the paper that the Easter Bunny arrived at the Cressona Mall over the weekend, making a pit stop at Ollie’s and the Surgical Center ( I guess to get a 'hare' transplant). That story reminded me that now is the time for those planning to participate in the New Year Baby Contest to get off of the sidelines and into the game. This week there should be more action around here than in the entire past Phillies Spring training camp season.

Yes, New Year’s Day is only nine months away, believe it or not.

Some had wondered how the economic downturn may affect the New Year Baby Contest. Of course this is a concern to all of us. Luckily gas prices are down so that those planning to participate in the contest using an automobile as their location of choice should be relieved.

I also understand that buried within the federal stimulus bill will be financial assistance for local merchants to fund prizes to the lucky winner and the runner-ups.

Thank you Nancy Pelosi!
However, just as the Miss America Contest faded away from once being the premiere cultural event of the nation, and the Miss Senior Winter Carnival Princess Contest has been dropped entirely, local New Year Baby Contest officials are fearful that the attention now placed on the dysfunctional unwed mother of fourteen in California, known to all as Octomom, may reduce our beloved new year baby contest to obscurity.

Remember that this woman gave birth to eight bundles of joy several weeks ago and this event has kept the interest of the county captivated by taking our minds off our devastated retirement accounts, corruption in Luzerne County and Michael Jackson's refusal to appear at this year's County Fair.
Our local big-wigs will not only be able to use the federal stimulus money to bail out the floundering Pierogie Bowl and purchase desperately needed all-weather bleenie friers, but they will be able to give out some of the newly printed money as attractive monetary awards to anyone who gives birth to nine babies on New Year’s Day.

Right now the local middle schools across the county are preparing contestants for their big day. Spelling classes are teaching the word, “Nonuplets” which is defined as “nine babies born at once.” Runner-ups having multiple births on New Year’s Day will also receive some cash prizes, so that anyone giving birth to septuplets or sextuplets should not feel slighted or left out.

The officials also want boost our children's self-esteem so everyone who attempts to conceive a child between March 25 and May 1 will recieve a "participant" ribbon thanks to this stimulus money. The sewing machines will be soon turned on in many closed garment factories, giving work to hundreds of women who will be producing these coveted participant ribbons.
Our leading County economists believe that this injection of cash prizes will stimulate the local economy and the results will be seen in an upturn in patronage at local video Arcades, frequented by most of the New Year Baby Contest participants. It could also spur the growth of public housing and, of course, an increase in diaper services.

The contest is open to all residents of the county regardless of age (not just young teens) so pick up your entry form at any Middle School administration office right away.

Time is a-wasting.