the Schuylkill Rangers

I too have been caught up with all of the pirate news. Most of you, however, are unaware of the pirates that roamed the Schuylkill River years ago. Yes, the Pennsylvania canals were just as infested by pirates as the coast of Somalia is today. Unlike the fast moving cargo ships that can outrun an invader, lumbering canalboats practically invited invasion by these cutthroat buccaneers.
Canallers were at the mercy of the shallow-water pirates. To reach their destination with cargoes intact, the honest boatmen had to be prepared to fight against river pirates, such as the Schuylkill Rangers who travelled up and down the Schuylkill attacking the innocent and the defenseless (but not necessarily in that order).

So bold did these Rangers become that they once attempted to take possession of Schuylkill Haven, a thriving, bustling town along the Canal.

Arrr! me hearty! I heard stories about that episode, when the pirates landed during a Burro Day celebration in a late September, frightening the local wenches by upending the numerous displays of crochet dolls and knick-knacks that were for sale along East Main Street, and taking their plunder, without paying, to their docked ship, “The Rattlesnake” along with several of the town’s favorite geese.
Luckily for the townspeople that before more destruction and mayhem occurred, the pirates boarded their ship and headed north to Cressona where more action occurred at the local “Long John Silver’s” near Connor’s Crossing.
Soon after devouring buckets of fish nuggets the scalawags headed to the Cressona Mall. The pirate captain was a great, massive-shouldered fellow with a big red beard, a peg leg, a crutch, an eye-patch, a nicotine patch, and a brass hook at the end of his left arm. He led his band of men into the Mall to distribute their home-made Boz Scaggs pieces of eight-tracks to unsuspecting landbubbers, as well as dozens of their copyright-infringed Doobie Brothers eight-tracks. With their ill-gotten gains from customers looking for bargains, they all went to Cinema 61 and watched an Arrr-rated movie before boarding “The Rattlesnake” continuing their northward journey to port of Pottsville.
The Captain made sure that “The Rattlesnake” would not have to fend off the yellow plastic ducks that once had almost overcome the ship during an unsuspected UCP duck race. The bright, starry night gave the crew the night vision necessary to complete their journey and avoid any plastic duck attack. Despite some grumblings from some of the crew that wanted to drop anchor near the Dusselfink, to hook-up with some native women, the captain had the ship sail northward with his goal the distribution of a countless number of bootlegged and illegal eight tracks, as well as the plundering and ransacking of Goldie’s Store on Centre Street.
“Ahoy there Mady’s!”
From up in the crow’s nest, the look-out spotted the legendary car wash at the southern end of the city. Pottsville would soon be within their grasp!
The original Transportation Inter-modal Terminal in Pottsville had a port that allowed “The Rattlesnake” to dock along side the East Penn busses.

The City had been alerted and was waiting for the Pirates. The Mayor had mobilized the entire city police force, the Greenwood Hill Fire Department, school crossing guards, meter maids,Winter Carnival Vulcans and Vunlcanettes and even three nuns from Nativity High School.
The fiercest naval battle in the History of Pottsville ensued and the pirates were driven back down the Schuylkill never to return. Thankfully the pirated Doobie Brothers and Boz Scaggs eight tracks never made it to shore.

Piracy would not be a problem in Pottsville for many years to come - until the piracy of pay television began with the arrival of illegal decoder set-top boxes, all sent to the area to satisfy the huge demand for WrestleMania.