polling results - we have a winner!

The "thing on Mahantongo Street" was declared to be a shade tree and will receive all of the perks that come with that designation as bestowed by the Pottsville Shade Tree Commission. *
Yes, the votes cast were underwhelming, but a certified tabulation by the Schuylkill County League of Women Voters In Crisis (a recent merger of two organization precipitated by the recent Commonwealth budget crisis).
Although not one vote was cast for “shade tree,” a plurality of the votes cast apparently determined the thing to be a “son of a beech.”

“A beech is a shade tree!” ruled the League of Women Voters In Crisis, "so a son of beech must also be a shade tree." Although there was apparent confusion over how trees reproduce.

Pottsville’s betting parlors were in a frenzy after the decision was announced; as the odds-on winner was projected to be “Its part of the recent Skankification project.”

“Election fraud!” was echoed through out the county, even in Frackville which has no trees. “What is this, Afghanistan Tehran or Luzerne County!”
Some argued that it was the butterfly ballot which made it difficult for many to determine that a vote for the European beech was a vote for “shade tree.”
“No one voted for shade tree. How on earth can a vote for a beech tree be tabulated as a vote for a shade tree?
"This is a sign or evidence of widespread rigging."
"The Rest Haven votes were not counted as the patients did not know how to turn on the computers."

"The write-in votes for bamboo cast on etch-a-sketches, and not computers, were thrown out."

Apparently two votes were cast for “Venus fly trap” causing the outrage over election irregularities to escalate. Many argued that these votes were cast due to the so-called “dimple vote” – the voter was not pressing hard enough on one of the other options and fingers slipped onto the “son of a beech tree” selection. The two who voted for Venus fly trap were also compared to those who voted for Ralph Nader in the 2000 presidential election - wasting a vote on a spoiler with no chance of winning.
The Schuylkill Haven Call editorialized that “fraud was so pervasive that nearly a quarter of all votes should be thrown out. Mammy Trout has admitted to voting at least three times. How could anyone think that the 800 block of Mahantongo Streer is harboring a Venus fly trap large enough to devour a dog, an innocent child or even the typically-sized man that frequents Renninger's Market on a Sunday morning in order to purchase his sticky buns?”
Some complained that many of those who cast a vote were probably under the influence and their votes should not count. All fingers pointed to Mammy Trout.

To them I say “this is America and the vote of a drunk is just as important as the vote of someone sober.”

Just remember; there were not “many” votes to begin with, only eleven.
Despite this controversy, “the thing on Mahantongo Street” will be sworn in officially as a protected street shade tree on January 20th in a pompous ceremony featuring the City Code Enforcement Office, a handful of Vulcans, the Tree Commission and the Third Brigade Band (playing “Tie A Yellow Ribbon Around the Old Beech Tree”), a large group of tourists visiting Yuengling Brewery, street people, and a few dogs. Until the dedication, the "shade-tree elect" will recieve round-the-clock protection from Pottsville's finest street crossing guards.

There will be no run-off election! Na da! The Schuylkill County League of Women Voters In Crisis will now focus its attention on the upcoming Jury Commissioner race which is too close to call.

*perks include Miracle-Grow and water