requiem for a peanut roll

Special to the Beansoup for the Soul Blog
Pottsville, Aug 1(AP) – The special County Grand Jury today convened to investigate charges of chocolate candy hoarding against several individuals, all violations of Section 6 of the Pottsville Candy Control Act, alleged to have large quantities of peanut rolls, nonpareils, and chocolate covered cherries in their possession.
In a statement issued by the City of Pottsville’s Surgeon General, it was alleged that the candy hoarding was apparently sufficient to maintain a family for a year and hence far in excess of the requirements for seven days, the period recognized by the City as a “reasonable” for residents during this time of crisis.
This is the first investigation of individual candy hoarding which became illegal after the sudden and abrupt closing of Mootz Candy Store, which created pandemonium in the county seat and elsewhere. With the announcement of the close of Mootz Candy Store, panic and fear took hold of the population. Long lines formed to purchase the remaining candy supplies at fifty per cent off (see photograph above), thus allowing the lucky ones to consume twice as much chocolate, but leaving the majority of us without enough chocolate to survive. The line at the store was reported to be larger than the bleenie line in Shenandoah on social security day according to an anonymous reliable source.
The crisis was unparalleled in modern Pottsville History in terms of scope, size and violence. It was more violent than the Cartoon Riots that occurred in Garfield Square over ten years ago when a passerby questioned the chastity of little orphan Annie, who was beloved by the citizenry. The Cartoon riots lasted five days, ending with the pillaging and destruction of the Garfield School building, often compared to the destruction of the temple in Jerusalem.

The initial protest over the candy shortage occurred along Centre Street, spilling northwards towards Jalappa and southwestward towards Bunker Hill. Starting with peaceful petitioning, the disturbance quickly escalated to riots and looting. The police were able to quell the disturbances within twenty-four hours with the assistance of the city K-9 corps and meter maids.
City Hall issued a press release stating that the police are ready at all times to proceed against hoarders, regardless of their social standing, and that charges will be filed to the end. It is alleged that one house on Greenwood Hill was recently raided, revealing a garage with 10 barrels of dark fudge, 7 barrels of white fudge, 5 barrels of maple walnut fudge, 105 pounds of non-pareils, 100 pounds of chocolate covered pretzels and 75 pounds of gumdrops.
Neighbors are reporting neighbors who are discovered to be burying large quantities of peanut rolls in backyards; all as a result of the reward money posted by the city.
The Surgeon General hopes that with the opening of the Intermodal Transportation Center busses will be available for those wanting to travel to Hershey in order to obtain the sought after chocolate.

With the approaching extinction of quality retail stores in the county, discussions are underway for a second hand candy store to open at the former Mootz location. When asked what a second hand candy store is, a PADCO representative said "a store that sells old candy past its expiration date, but at a deep discount; I prefer not to refer to it as stale candy; hopefully there will be candy cigarettes, Sugar Babies, Sky Bars, Mary Janes, fizzies, Bonomo turkish taffy, jujubes and wax lips. Such candy would be appropriate in a historical district... especially the wax lips which could add some long needed color to Centre Street."