Hegins Coleman Shoot Cancelled

The passing of Gary Coleman did not go unnoticed in Schuylkill County. It seemed to be the second biggest talk of the area, right behind the Pottsville Republican Shenandoah Herald’s front page May 30th article on the New Philadelphia ramage involving Somali pirates. Ironically, the article was retracted the next day, but it sure did liven up an otherwise dull weekend.

The story on the passing of Gary Coleman was not retracted. The paper still stands behind it.

The sleepy village of Hegins took the loss of Mr.Coleman especially hard; flags were all lowered to quarter mast, the general feed store was closed and the chickens refused to lay eggs. The child actor, known for his innocent, charming role as Arnold Jackson in the situation comedy “Diff’rent Strokes” was a cause célèbre in this section of the west end, where the citizenry could not get enough of that long-running television show about the misadventures of a rich Manhattan family who adopt the children of their late African-American maid. Up and down the streets one could hear that catch phrase, “What'chu talkin' 'bout, Willis?" being spoken with a heavy Pennsylvania Dutch accent.
Hegins is different than neighboring Valley View where its population swears allegiance to the geeky Urkel, the character on the popular rival show, Family Matters. This is obvious to anyone driving through Valley View, where just about everyone wears suspenders, while in Hegins belts are worn.
To this day, Sociologists are stumped as to why the difference in opinion between these two conjoined farm hamlets, differences which, at times, erupted into a full fledged, old-fashioned, west end feud.

A review of the history of the villages reveals that at one time, in the 1940s, the popularity of the character Buckwheat from the Our Gang series united the two villages, but with the advent of television, Valley View and Hegins, began to distance themselves from one another. In the 1960s Hegins was beholden to Jerry “The Beaver” Mathers, while Valley View gravitated to his side-kick, Lumpy Rutherford. It got worse as time went on. In fact the scuffles at the pigeon shoot later involved those disciples of Urkel that dispised Gary Coleman and everything he stood for.

Yep, just as Bob Hope was feted with a golf tournament with his name attached, and just as Jim Thorpe had a Pennsylvania county seat named after him, Gary Coleman had a Pigeon Shoot christened in his honor at Hegins. Yes, the Gary Coleman Hegins Pigeon Shoot occurred every Labor Day drawing throngs of fans of Diff’rent Strokes, and those protestors that favored Urkel. Most of the protestors can be seen in the newspaper wearing suspenders. The newspapers got the storyline all wrong and linked the protestors to animal rights, just like the paper recently got the New Philadelphia scuffle all wrong.

Heck, everyone I know is in favor of shooting defenseless birds.

Although the Shoot was named after Gary Coleman, he never attended one event there. But one must remember that Jim Thorpe never set foot in old Mauch Chunk (at least not while he was alive).
Mr. Coleman, at times, would deny any connection with the Shoot, answering any reporter’s questions rhetorically as with his standard line of “What'chu talkin' 'bout, Willis?"

With the passing of Mr. Coleman, it appears that the Hegins Pigeon Shoot will now fold. The high elders of the village will soon meet in emergency session and begin to search for a child actor replacement to rally the people around. I also understand that the shoot will be replaced with a wine and cheese party. Our forebearers would roll over in their graves if they heard that people would gather and eat fondue and drink french wine. Yes, just another downward spiral in the collapse of our culture.

Maybe this time though, the two villages can come to some agreement. It is time for unity.