trout's mailbag: The Schuylkill Tripartite

             

Dear Mr. Trout:

I have heard the term “Schuylkill Tripartite” but do not know what it means? Do you? I thought it has something to do with toppings placed on a cheeseburger at Renningers Market.

   D.K.

  North of the Mountain

                                             

Dear D.K.:

The Schuylkill Tripartite is a rural legend that has been around for decades. 

It refers to one individual sweeping three of the major events held in Schuylkill County within one calendar year. 

It makes no difference if the calendar is Gregorian, Julian or Chinese.

 A hat trick to some, a triple crown to others, but the winner must win three.

  Legend has it that a county woman during the
 second world war gave birth to the new year baby
 while the father of the child was far away in the
Pacific on his way to Bora Bora. He was an 
anonymous sailor from Dauphin County, she was a
riveter at Eastern Steel.  They hooked up after a few 
drinks at the Circle Bar one lonely April night in 1942
 while the Andrews Sisters played on the juke box, if
 you really want to know.

The legend continued with her winning the Pottsville Cruise in a 1931 Opel but this victory was shrouded in controversy as  by the end of 1942 half of the U.S. automobiles were issued an “A sticker” which allowed only four gallons of gas per week.  This limited the number of cars in the cruise that year to only five, all driven by females as the Cruise regulars all joined the navy and were somewhere in the Pacific, near Bora Bora. Four of the drivers got lost along the way. Many criticized the winner for driving a german car, resulting in cabbage being hurled towards her (cabbage was called victory lettuce back then). This caused the new year baby, in the car seat, to get really fussy.

To make amends, she organized the County’s World War II Rubber Drive and she, by herself, collected one ton of old tires, rubber bands,  raincoats, rubber duckies, teethers, garden hoses, whoopee cushions, goulashes, rubber chickens, koosh balls, bathing caps, hot water bottles, balloons shaped like animals and rubber gloves (not necessarily in that order).  This was all done single-handedly, mind you, as she was holding the new year baby the entire time in her right arm.  That year, Schuylkill County collected more than any other county in the entire United States that year thanks to her. 

The Historical Society has photographs of the large pile of whoopee cushions being bundled for transport at the Union Station.  Every single whoopee cushion in the county was donated during this patriotic endeavor and 1943 will be forever remembered as the County's "quiet year."

After the Rubber Drive ended, in front of the Capitol Theatre and in front of the heap of collected rubber, Mayor Claude E. Lord Boulevard presented the key to the city to her while she was nursing her prize-winning baby. His Honor announced that that she was the Tripartite Champion of the county for winning the new year baby contest, the cruise and the Rubber Drive (as well as possibly winning the second world war too boot). This is the first time the term was supposedly used.

"For evermore no married woman nor married man will ever win the New Year Baby Contest" according to Mayor Boulevard’s proclaimed prophecy; a prophecy which has come true now for over seventy years.

 Any resentment over her driving the Opel during the Cruise soon vanished as the crowds gave her a thunderous applause, causing the New Year Baby to get really fussy. The Third Brigade Band sprang into action, playing a slow lullaby which caused the crowd, the baby, the Mayor and the Tripartite Champion (not necessarily in that order) to fall into a deep sleep. They did not wake up until the war was over or.... so the legend goes.

Over the years the legend has the Tripartite Champion winning the county Spelling Bee, the Shenandoah Kielbossi eating contest, the Hegins Pigeon Shoot, the Girardville Bar Crawl, the Klingerstown Greased Pig contest, the Schuylkill Haven fishing rodeo or the Pottsville Republican Recipe Contest. 

Some contestants have come close, with some winning two events. In 1957 one lucky teen won the New Year Baby Contest and the Spelling Bee, but she came in a disappointing third in the Soap Box Derby due to trouble with the baby seat. 

 I hope this answers your question.

Sincerely,

Trout

Happy Orthodox New Year!

                 All Hail the Orthodox New Year Baby!

                                                   

January 13th is New Year's Eve in St. Clair and its bedroom community of Arnot's Addition.        S Novym Godom!

My predictions for the Orthodox new year 2013 are as follows:

Nativity High School will begin closed door negotiations with the Pottsville Housing Authority and Barefield Development to transform the building into a high-end, no-income condominium complex geared to ambitionless youth population.  A snag in the negotiations arises over the proposed replacement of the large illuminated cross with a giant illuminated number "8." The number, of course, is to honor the housing program that has made the city what it is today.
 
The Winter Carnival pageant will be marred by a wardrobe malfunction when the Carnival's beloved mascot, Pottsie Ottsie, accidentally exposes a snow ball.

Pottsville will conduct a major "quality of life" criminal sweep handing out dozens of tickets in April to the out-of- shape men walking shirtless along Centre Street when the temperature hits 60.
Pottsville School District will have difficulty selecting a football coach causing the school to replace football with hacky-sack.  Attendance will surge.

Yuengling Dairy will not receive a "quality of life" ticket from the Code Enforcement Officer who is determined to fight blight.

The Mother's Memorial in Ashland will suffer from a severe case of hemorrhoids.

Schuylkill Allied Artists will feature tattoos for the first time.  Attendance will surge.

Liposuction will cease to be offered at the Pottsville American Way May Fair after the Republican-Herald reporters expose the hidden fact that the removed fat  is used at the near-by funnel cake stand as cooking grease. Another Pulitzer prize is not far away.

The Pottsville Club will  announce that shirts and shoes are no longer required for dining. Membership will surge.

Twenty will be injured during the Orwigsburg Bicentennial's rake-fighting competition. This is the most injured since the Orwigsburg Centennial celebration in 1913. 
Leiby's Dairy in Tamaqua will unveil a new ice cream named "Cherry Knowles." Production will soar, surpassing the output of its best selling Red Beets ice cream.
This year's winning spelling bee word will contain the letter "e."

Happy New Year!

                All Hail The New Year Baby!

                      My record is perfect and the local bookie payoff will cover the increase in my payroll taxes that begin this year.

duckwalking down Market Street

The Schuylkill County Senior Olympics was a great success, or so the pundits say - but not for me. I was eliminated from the fifty meter duck walk.  You know, that is the sport in which all participants do their best Chuck Berry imitation.  It is done in a squatting position moving forward, letting one lower leg swing back and forth in the air while playing the guitar.  Get up and try it right now and you will appreciate its sheer athleticism. The fifty meter duck walk has been a senior Olympic event since 1996 and I was poised for the gold medal.  But it was not to be.

Allegedly I tested positive for Flomax as well as Geritol and Metamucil...and even a trace of Viagra. I thought it would be interesting to mix them together in a glass of Pepper's Ginger Ale while partying at the Olympic Village. Boy was I wrong.  As a result, all of my prior records, medals, awards, laurels, accolades, and mementos were stripped away. I had to turn in my stamp collecting merit badge, my participant award from an old Spelling Bee, my trophy I won at the Cotton Club Karaoke competition, my Hair Club for Men Membership card, three completed crossword puzzles (the only ones I ever completed), as well as the bronze medal I found near the lake the night before.

 If you want to mix Flomax, Geritol, Metamucil (and a trace of Viagra), don't do it while participating in any sporting events. Stick to plain Pepper's Ginger Ale.

 

Mammy was permitted to stay in the games.  She did OK. She participated in the marathon run to Bill’s Produce where every participant has to drive a vehicle over to purchase a fiber-rich produce and then return to Moon Lake. The participants are judged, not only on their speed, but also on the fiber content of the produce brought back. Mammy’s speed was average, but the lima beans she carried back with her was good enough for the bronze medal. Sixteen grams of fiber you know.  If she would have brought back brussel sprouts, she possibly could have tied for silver.

With the games over I headed back to Pottsville. Driving west on Market Street I noticed a group of new residents near Asphalt Field, you know it as that black hole at the corner with Second Street, across from the Famous Restaurant.  I did a double take. Low and behold I saw a strange resemblance between these new residents and the Little Rascals. You know who I mean. Our Gang, for God's sake.  Except that these new residents looked like the Little Rascals wasted on crack. Was I having a flashback from the effects of the Metamucil, Flomax, Geritol (and a trace of Viagra) cocktail? 

 I rubbed my eyes and I swear I saw Chubby, Stymie, Spanky, Alfalfa, Darla, Wheezer, Froggy and all the others; all frazzled and strung out with nowhere to go, wandering aimlessly up and down Market Street going in and out of their various government –subsidized apartments. There was Stymie with his pants down below his thighs and his underwear pulled up high.  There was Alfalfa boasting that he is receiving SSI for his hair cowlick. There was precocious little Darla flirting with Butch and Buckwheat, pushing a baby stroller which was holding a newborn sired during a casual hook-up by perhaps one of the boys.  Maybe Froggy? I thought to myself that Market Street is finally getting a more youthful population. It is about time. Pottsville possibly can still regenerate itself.  I stopped the car and welcomed this new demographic group to the city. I was glad to be home.  I forgot all about the senior Olympics and the medals I might have won and did a duckwalk down Market Street.