Forest Hills

Forest Hills was created in the early 1960s when Pottsville wanted more room for the expansion of public housing and to recreate itself. A relocation and movement of the city’s middle class was determined as the best way to accomplish this goal. This resettlement program, freeing the center city of the middle class, is referred to in the city’s history as 'the Trail of Tears'. It was also during this period that Penn State Schuylkill was told to leave the city.
This project did not occur without a hitch as Forest Hills is cut off from the rest of the city by the borough of Mount Carbon. You see, Forest Hills is not joined to the rest of Pottsville; its sort of like Alaska. Alaska is cut off by Canada for those of you geographically illiterate.
Study a map of the area carefully (Schuylkill County, not Alaska); use a microscope if necessary. A tiny independent governmental entity named “Mount Carbon” actually exists and splits Pottsville into two. I swear to this upon my grandmother’s grave.

Mount Carbon has often been referred to as the Lichtenstein of Schuylkill County, in that it is a small, mountainous tax haven, having more businesses than residents. It is sometimes affectionately called “Tiny Town.”
The population of Mount Carbon is difficult to determine as some statistics include patrons of the local taverns who stay too long, those buried in the cemeteries, and the lobsters in the seafood store.

The road from Pottsville Proper to Forest Hills traverses Mount Carbon and this ticked off Mount Carbonites, who were envious of the tax base, creating a crisis. It appears that Pottsville, Mount Carbon and North Manheim Township all claimed parts of the settled territory.
Forest Hills was to be a middle-class residential oasis, devoid of any commercial buildings or eating establishments. Yep, no soup kitchens, no tattoo parlors, no nothing. Zippo. Therefore, the residents were dependent on Mount Carbon for pizza, hoagies, chips, seafood, and beer.
Mount Carbon began to build a wall around Forest Hills and also started a blockade. In response, city officials organized a helicopter mission to carry the daily necessities of life as mentioned to the citizens of Forest Hills. Likewise, Forest Hillites dug tunnels to get to Goodfella’s and Julian’s taverns and bring back snack foods as well as companionship. Some of the tunnels are still visible today.
The effort was clearly succeeding and by April of the following year the Mount Carbon officials capitulated when Mayor Stephenson gave his stirring “tear down this wall” speech and the isolation of Mount Carbon ended. Soon travel between Forest Hills and the rest of the world resumed once again.
A peace treaty was soon signed between Tiny Town, the Township and Pottsville which allowed one privately owned road to be maintained through Mount Carbon without the borough having to pay one red cent for any expenses. North Manheim Township was given control over much of the more ritzy section of Forest Hills.

The Tiny Town treasurer emptied the paper bag which contained all of the borough’s revenue onto the table, totaling $335.27 cash, three “free glass of beer” tokens from Goodfellas, two 10% discount coupons from Adelphia’s, and two Winter Carnival buttons. All of this revenue was already was earmarked for other borough projects. There was nothing left for road repairs.
Eighteen people joined hands in one human chain that stretched from one end of the borough to the other, raising nearly $42.50 towards a fund to maintain the road. This was called “Hands Across Mount Carbon” and was filmed and put to music. Alas, the money raised was not enough.
Luckily, there is discussion of the City of Pottsville pledging city tax dollars to perpetually maintain the private road through Mount Carbon as a form of restitution to those middle class residents forced to leave the city during the Trail of Tears period.
I am not sure who pays for the road maintenance of the ritzy section in North Manheim Township. I probably would guess Pottsville.

UFO over Pottsville

The Republican Herald on April 29th featured this story on the UFO sighting in Pottsville
Officials: Object not UFO; but what was it?
It was disappointing; it was part of the continuing cover-up of extra-terrestrial visits.

However, here is proof that aliens have made contact with Schuylkill County! Please study the above photograph carefully. Ignore the photograph to the right.

This is not some paper lantern released by some drama or glee club. Notice a saucer-shaped object above the Schuylkill County Courthouse. If you magnify the photograph you will faintly make out several courthouse employees having a tobacco break.

Proof that the photo is authentic!

The person who captured this photograph, referred to only as Mammy T. (she desires to keep her identity confidential) sat for an exclusive interview.

Q. Mammy T, where were you when this photograph was taken?
A. I was bird watching on Lawton’s Hill, looking for a downy woodpecker, when my binoculars nearly got knocked out of my hands by the gigantic intergalactic flying object.

Q. How long was it visible?
A. For about three minutes about 100 feet above me, it just wobbled and floated in air. The same amount of time it takes for the traffic light to turn green if you are waiting at the corner by the Necho Allen, trying to turn left onto Centre Street. It was during that time frame that I snapped the now famous photograph.

Q. What was your first reaction?
A. I was scared… the thing was bigger than a house. I remembered what I was taught in grade school, if ever I was involved in an extraterrestrial encounter…. I stopped, dropped and rolled.

Q. Did you get any other photographs?
A. No, I could have but I needed to text a take-out order from Charlie’s Sub Shop. By the time I finished texting the saucer had disappeared.

Q. Where did it go?
A. I donna know. I was too busy texting in my hoagie order, trying to spell out the word mayonnaise…boy, is that hard to spell... especially after stopping, dropping and rolling….I should have just used the abbreviation mayo.

Q. Did you talk to anyone about what you had just witnessed?
A. The people at the shop. They thought I was a kook. So I paid for my hoagies and quickly left. After that I just clammed up and kept this to myself until now. I was scared for me and my family. The government does not want this information out.

Q. Do you have any opinion as to why the spacecraft selected Pottsville?
A. Yes. I have several differing theories. One is that the area may appear to them to be a black hole. Take a look at the parking lot at Market and Second Street. Say that doesn’t look like a black hole? Two has to with the pending Intermodal being erected near Mootz’s Candy Store. Boy, do I love their peanut rolls... Aliens may believe that the Intermodal is some sort of welcome mat. My last theory is the one I am leaning towards. The American Way, or May Fair, is somehow a part of a planned alien invasion that has already been undertaken. Did you hear that famed British scientist Screamin’ Jay Hawkins has warned us that we must avoid aliens at all cost as they are dangerous? That is why I avoid the moon walk at the fair.

Q. Why the May Fair?
A. It is possible that the people at the May Fair were being harvested and fattened as a food supply for the aliens. On the other hand, the extra-terrestrials may actually enjoy the festival, mingling with the revelers, blending in with the crowd. Time will tell, but don't let your guard down. Trust no one.

Q. Have you have any alien encounters since?
A. Since that day, I had one brief telepathic communication with the aliens.

Q. What was the message communicated to you?
A. I was told how to spell the word mayonnaise. It is a word I will never forget. Two n's.

History of Schuylkill County (chapter 3: Centre Turnpike)

Prior to 1812 Schuylkill County’s transportation routes consisted of a few isolated Indian trails and bridle paths. The Centre Turnpike, opened in 1812, followed a large portion of the old King’s Highway, originally intended to be the Northwest Passage to Knoebel’s Grove; this new turnpike however veered to the west to join the cities of Reading and Sunbury. Economically this thoroughfare was significant for the county, giving many citizens government jobs at the various toll booths that dotted the highway. By 1815 17% of the county’s male population had employment as toll booth attendants. This began the two hundred year old love affair between the citizenry and government jobs.
With so many travelers on the turnpike, this also created an opportunity for many restaurateurs to open establishments and offer the wayfarers the cuisine common in their European mother countries.
One major innovation of the eateries was “drive-through” service which allowed customers on horseback or stagecoach to order and pick up food without stepping foot inside.
Forensic archeologists have recently determined that the most popular take-outs of these early settlers included chow chow, fluffernutter sandwiches, gruel and porter ale – all still popular today. The most popular meals eaten inside at a table included leek soup, collops, pigeon breasts, onion rings, porter ale and sweet and sour possum (also still popular today at Renninger’s Market).
Many of these eateries catered to children, featuring primitive “Happy Meals” of a boiled pig’s stomach with a small toy, such as a pocketknife, hidden inside. To keep these active children content while the adults finished off their meal with tobacco and a pitcher of ale, indoor “playgrounds” were available, consisting of small collieries where coal could be broken by children into smaller pieces with their grubby little fingers. Stephen Girard and others adopted this practice on a larger scale in the booming coal industry, creating unheard of financial opportunities for children which allowed them to buy more “Happy Meals.”
Billboard advertising appeared along the highway in the 18th century. The first billboard announced the distance to “Spa Centre Turnpike” in North Manheim Township. The ones that followed advertised nearby taverns. In the mid-1820s Pottsville’s downtown was not as busy as it is today. There were no enticing tattoo parlors and no ‘cash for trash’ businesses. ....none.... zippo.... In those early days, tattooing was done in the privacy of one’s own stable, keeping much of the population off the streets. Pottsville, however, had several watering holes that attracted those from near and far.

The most famous pub was The White Horse Tavern, at the corner of Mahantongo and Centre Streets. John Pott purchased the premises in 1818 and every weekend featured the legendary house bands Anthro Sylicosis and the original Stanky and the Coalminers. It was here that Mrs. Pott uttered that classic phrase, “This ain’t no disco.” Trendy scenesters soon flocked to the White Horse to “see and be seen.” Boasting a nice, loungey atmosphere that easily transmuted into a wild and infectious party, the Tavern offered a welcoming atmosphere. It soon became a hip testament to Pottsville featuring a long list of chic and potent whiskey concoctions, quality tap beers, pretty women, beer pong tables, and some darn good bar food such as pickled eggs, house pizzas, calzones, shepherd’s pie, bangers and mash. Amidst an array of sophisticated mixed drinks, reverberating lounge music, and the eclectic and attractive clientele, one sort of faded back at first, before awakening by the increasingly exhilarating action on the dance floor. On weekends the party often became excessive and overwhelming to the fainter patrons, but it was never crass or vulgar. Thursdays could be chill as Thursday was karaoke night.

So much for the history of the Centre Turnpike.

Schuylkill County History (chapter two)

Anthracite coal

After Necho Allen accidentally discovered anthracite in the late eighteenth century, the fossil fuel was ignored until mega-millionaire Stephen Girard purchased most of northern Schuylkill County. Mr. Girard then created the small village of Girardville in honor of himself. For a number of years all of the first born males born there were required to be named Girard. Unlike today when all the males must be named Ayden, Jayden, Hayden, or Brayden.

With the increasing German population within the Commonwealth demanding more and more cabbage, Stephan Girard believed that crushed anthracite could be used as a condiment, or seasoning, in the widely popular grated cabbage salad. Medical science at the time widely touted the healthy effects of coal consumption as a way to get sufficient mineral intake. Coal would also be used in drinks such as coffee or tea. This is the origin of the phrase “One lump or two.” Doctors at the time would appear in advertisements promoting the consumption of zinc, magnesium, iron and coal, but one must remember that, in those days, medical science also touted the positive attributes of leeching, bloodletting and tobacco smoke enemas.

Stephen Girard would make a fortune with his coal. He ordered all the boys named Girard to break the anthracite into fine pieces; they became the first breaker boys. The crushed anthracite was then mixed into the cabbage salad. In July 1822, the first shipment of one ton of “anthracite coal slaw” was sent down the Schuylkill to Philadelphia. Schuylkill County soon became overrun by capitalists, adventurers and fortune hunters all trying to get in on the action on the world-wide craving for this side dish. Northeast Pennsylvania forever became known as "the coal slaw region." In Girardville coal slaw wrestling became quite popular with the leftover slaw being put to good use.

Anthracite remained a grated cabbage salad ingredient for several years until its value as a fuel source was realized. Secondly, medical science now stated that carbon intake was no longer healthy. Lastly, mineral supplements in a tablet form were better for one’s teeth and became widely available at local general stores in the form of Flintstone vitamins.

Pepper eventually replaced coal as a cabbage salad seasoning. But coal would still be broken into smaller pieces; only now to be used in millions of heatrolas and furnaces across the world. Stephen Girard had an uncanny knack for knowing when to sell and he disposed of his coal slaw franchise to a Betty something or other. He then plunged into the energy and fuel industry; elevating himself from the status of “upper class” to “filthy, stinking rich.”

Stephen Girard often could be seen wearing his “I Got Shamrocked in Girardville” tee shirt as he walked to his center-city Philadelphia Bank (which had financed the 1812 war effort). Few of the people passing him by realized that this gentleman was now the wealthiest man in the entire universe. At the time our universe consisted of the planets Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Vesta, Juno, Ceres, Hollywood, Jupiter, Saturn, Krypton* and Uranus.

Under the terms of his last will and testament, Mr. Girard set up an endowment for a Philadelphia school to educate “poor, white, male, Philadelphia orphans named Girard” and requested that his trustees to get as much wealth from Schuylkill County as possible, and by any means necessary, to fund his project. In a codicil to the will he bequeathed his worn-out “I Got Shamrocked In Girardville” tee shirt, his crumpled coal slaw recipe, and his childhood sled christened “Rosebud” to the village of Girardville. This was the largest charitable bequest by a coal baron to the people Schuylkill County to date.

* Krypton would not disintegrate for another 140 years.