The Concise History of the Greater Pottsville Winter Carnival

1888 – Blizzard hits Schuylkill County. Winter Carnival is born when men shovel off Market Street to cheering crowd; the first telemarketer phone call in Schuylkill County asks “do you want to buy a button?”
1899 – Winter Carnival Parade features Third Brigade Band, beer wagon, two horses and a fire truck; first carnival theme - “Party Like It’s 1899.”
1900- Moustache defrosting, first competition event.
1901 – Winter Carnival King frees the serfs; long underwear arrives by train from Tamaqua.
1910- Steam heat under Market Street created allowing for sub-zero parades to continue for decades.
1916 – The first Vulcan appears in Pottsville landing by space craft; terrorized citizenry hide.
1917 – Interfaith Council preach against “the sinister influence of Vulcans on our Youth.”
1918 – Unity Day in city calms fears of Vulcans settling in the county.
1919 – Women permitted to participate in Winter Carnival after passage of 19th Amendment.
1920 – “Spanish Flu” deemed worst Winter Carnival theme of all time.
1921- First Winter Carnival Queen Contest held at the Hippodrome Theatre.
1925 – Yuengling Ice Cream sponsors the first Radio Night on WPPA.
1932 – Prohibition ends. Yuengling Brewery now sponsors Radio Night and Carnival becomes a lot more fun even though it’s a Depression outside.
1936 – Winter Carnival King abdicates his throne to marry the woman he loves.
1937- Hair pulling competition banned from Winter Carnival Snowflake Princess Pageant for being “unlady-like.”
1941- World War II results in Winter Carnival parade floats being pulled by dog teams to conserver gasoline.
1942 – One million buttons collected for war effort; Many Vulcans are drafted and replaced by Vulcanettes who are either women or female impersonators.
1943 – Vulcan high-pitched dialect used by Defense Department to relay unbreakable commands during the war.
1944 – Carnival Mascot Pottsie Ottsie mistakenly arrested by FBI, released after proving he was not the notorious Axis Power sabateur, Pottsie Nottsie.
1945 – Germany surrenders after being bombarded by one million carnival buttons.
1950 – high birth rate of boomer babies results in Little Miss Snowdrop Contest.
1955 – McCarthy hearings in Washington focus on Winter Carnival Polka Night subversive activities; accordion players from Minersville refuse to answer questions and are blacklisted.
1957 – Iced Tea Night sponsored by local business is guered to the young.
1958 – Hula Hoop competition added as event amid protests from some that the hoops are too small for the average county waistline.
1959 – Contestants no longer have to answer questions in pig latin.
1961 – Moustache Defrosting dropped as an event and replaced with fifty mile walk in the snow after JFK challenges the city to put down their hoops and put on snow shoes.
1965- Pottsville Ski Lodge opened by the von Tropp Family. Skiing added as an event.
1966- Frankie Fontaine, the character who played the “Crazy Guggenheim” character on the Jackie Gleason Show attends Winter Carnival and says that he “fits right in and feels at home.”
1967 – Peace reigns in Pottsville during the so-called “winter of love.” Snowball fighting treaty is signed between City and Port Carbon.
1968 – King of Vulcans proclaims that he is more popular than both Jesus Christ and Mayor Close combined; snow ball fights break out throughout county.
1972 – Steam Heat Plant shuts down, parade trudges through snow filled Market Street with parade taking an unprecedented eighteen hours to complete; Five marching mummers are never found.
1975 – “Swine Flu” theme features frosted pig catching competition outside of Farmer’s Market; Monsignor Boyle performs exorcism on person possessed by Vulcans.
1979 – Attendance dramatically drops off at parade. Only floats with odd-numbered license plates permitted to participate. President Jimm Carter laments about the mayonnaise at the Catholic War Veterans Lodge.
1981 – County’s high elderly population results in creation of Miss Slush Contest.
1982 – Urine tests mandated by the city’s Surgeon General at all Winter Carnival Events “just for the fun of it.”
1984 – Nancy Reagan grand marshal of Parade with theme of “Just Say Snow.”
1985 – all athletic events are permanently cancelled by proclamation of the Pottsville Surgeon General who urges everyone to stay home and play video games.
1987 – President Reagan appears at Carnival Coronation and urges the Master of Ceremonies to “tear down this ball.” Instead the city demolishes Garfield School.
1994 – Wonderbra controversy overshadows Carnival; President Clinton signs NAFTA; all vulcan outfits now made in China.
1995 – von Tropp family flees city by crossing over Sharp Mountain in the dead of night;. Ski Lodge closes permanently; skiing outlawed within city limits along with skateboarding and moustache defrosting.
1997 - Vice President Gore predicts global warming will end Carnival "as we know it."
2000 – Theme of “Party Like Its 1999” rejuvenates Carnival.
2001 – Mysterious puddle found in downtown rooming house; DNA results confirm puddle to be the remains of Pottsie Ottsie.
2006 – Mayor announces construction of multi-million dollar Intermodal Building to house Winter Carnival memorabilia, unsold buttons and a vial of the Pottsie Ottsie puddle.
2010 – Body piercing and tattooing rejected for Little Miss Snowflake contestants in close 7-6 decision of Winter Carnival Committee, irate single parents storm out of the meeting;
2011 – Wilhelmina Payne releases memoirs, “A Payneful Look Back On the Winter Carnival.” Sam-Son Productions buys movie rights for an undisclosed sum.

The Negative Impact Of Professional Pierogie Eating On Today's Society

It is time for me to be serious. I realize it is Pierogie Bowl Weekend in Schuylkill County and many families will be hosting Pierogie Bowl Parties or going out to a Sports Bar to watch it on Plasma TV. I don't want to be a humbug but the Pierogie Bowl has a negative, delusional impact on our young people and it is time we faced up to this fact.

Pierogie eating is big around here – very big. It always has been and probably always will be. Years ago, our young boys had nothing to look forward to but to work in the mines. That is, dangerous work in the dark for sixty hours a week. On Saturday nights the miner could then go out to smoke, drink, gamble and chase skirts with his paycheck. Yes, I know it sounds pretty good but the excitement and novelty quickly wears off and monotony sets in after several years.

Eventually word got out that it is possible to become rich and famous, while still having time to smoke, drink, gamble and chase skirts, by breaking into the fledgling pro sport of pierogie eating. But no longer would one have to go underground for sixty hours a week for the opportunity to do so as pierogie eating was done nearly all of the time above-ground.

The prestige bestowed on the professionals of competitive pierogie eating encouraged young men, primarily from “north of the Broad Mountain” to consider this up and coming sport as a one-way ticket out of the mines.

The temptations of exorbitant endorsement payments, autograph sales, and contracts with the Food Channel and Bon Appetit magazine are certainly seductive to many a young boy and few girls (pierogie eating has gone co-ed due to Title IX requirements).

Yet breaking into the pros remains an elusive and unrealistic goal. Only the “cream of the potato crop” will make it the Pierogie Bowl. The disheartened majority will fall by the wayside. Exploited by coaches and corporate executives, these naive, gluttonous youngsters will usually find themselves without a decent job when their eating contest days end and they become has-beens.

It is difficult to change this mentality, as many myths remain unshakeable. Myth Number One is that “high school pierogie gorgers get scholarships.” This is absolutely incorrect. While it is true that there is some financial assistance to attend a culinary school out there, very, very few high school pasta pocketeers actually receive full scholarships to such places. The scholarship money awarded is pittance and would not even pay for a semester’s worth of butter and onions.

Myth Number Two is that “pierogie competition leads to a college degree.” Without any doubt, more pierogie eaters are college educated today than years ago. Yet many barriers remain which hamper graduation for the serious college pierogie competitors. The demands on their time and energy as well as the post-game indigestion, gaseousness and nausea are incalculable, even in the off-season. Because of these pressures, many collegiate food devourers simply drop out and forget about receiving a diploma.

Myth Number Three is that “pierogie eating is a realistic career choice.” Again, this myth is without foundation. Yes, a few pierogie eating standouts can make millions, but their number is extremely low. On the other hand, the average pierogie tasting jobs jobs have either been relocated overseas (thanks to NAFTA) or performed by robots. The jobs just aren’t there anymore.

These three myths remain strong in our county where pierogie eating is now ranked as the number three high school sport, following right behind football and field hockey. During the summer off-season I did manage to visit a few of the several pierogie eating training camps that dot our beautiful county. To those who do not follow the sport of pierogie eating, these camps are commonly referred to as “block parties, ” "bazaars," "church picnics" or “street fairs.” These training camp block parties are basically places where young rookies as well as the more “seasoned” (no pun intended) semi-pros display their skills and try to be spotted by scout to possibly earn roster spots on the glamour teams from Mahanoy City, Shenandoah or the up-start Lost Creek that are legends in the Mrs. T Pierogie Bowl. It is a coal region way of life that will never die. The large attendance and participation at such events as the Polish Day, Lithuanian and Ukrainian Day Festivals in Minersville, as well as the Yorkville Block Party, reflect the aspirations of hundreds of our county's youngsters. They want to turn pro and make ridiculous amounts of money instantly. And why not?

Maybe the grueling discipline and hours of practice will pay off for one or possibly two. Who knows? Maybe these select few will get a chance to participate in the biggest bowl tournament in the coal region. But lets get serious, it's not going to happen for most. These impressionable kids are wasting their time as well as their block party tickets. Tickets better spent on halushki, bean soup or french fries.

Their willingness to train, sacrifice, and prepare for the future are commendable. But in doing so, the main focus needs to be on developing the occupational skills needed for success in a highly competitive global marketplace. Professional Pierogie Eating is not going to cut it. You don't see Won Ton eating competition being glorified in China. No, those youngsters are busy solving math problems. This is why I am boycotting this year's pierogie bowl. Just say 'dough.'

Top Ten Highlights of Last Year's Pierogie Bowl

TOP TEN HIGHLIGHTS OF LAST YEAR'S PIEROGIE BOWL

10. The sexy new babushkas worn by the hot Pierogie Bowl cheerleaders;
9. Mrs. T's scandalous wardrobe malfunction during the half-time show;
8. The post-game locker room interviews, the congratulatory phone call from the President Obama, The Mahanoy City post-game victory parade - all priceless;
7. Service Electric finally had “pay-for-view” coverage available for those who could not get tickets to the game;
6. The beer vendors lowering the price of Kaier’s to $5. per cup;
5. After the game Spencer Gifts had “pierogie bowl champion" bobble-heads 50% off;
4. Those crazy end-zone polka dances;
3. The Shenandoah wide receiver's groin injury;
2. Less choking than in the Eagles game;
1. The look of jubilation on the faces of the victorious Mahanoy City team after a carton of Guers Iced Tea was poured over Mr. Twardzik while the team yelled out in unison, “We’re going to Lakewood Park.”

My Top Ten Predictions for the Orthodox New Year

This year my new year resolution was to avoid any discussion on the New Year baby and so far I have kept my word. Best wishes to the mom, baby and the anonymous donor!

On January 13th, the Orthodox New Year's Day, I will formally announce my Predictions for 2011 in the Walmart Lobby. Since I received my associate's degree in hocus pocus from McCann's, I have been hailed as the true successor to Nostradamus.

To those of you that have no life and continue to read this blog I will give you a head's up on these predictions. So take solace my friends. Print them out and put them away to keep score next December. I have only been wrong once; that was when I erroneously predicted that the Three Pennsylvania Dutch Tenors' Groundhog Day CD would go platinum.

TOP TEN PREDICTIONS FOR THE ORTHODOX NEW YEAR

10. At the Sovereign Majestic Theatre members of the scientific community will present irrefutable proof that space aliens have indeed made contact with earth by premiering a startling documentary on the Pottsville American Way Fair.

9. During the upcoming Commissioner Race a “birther conspiracy movement” will spread rumors that the Mayor of Mount Carbon is not as youthful as he claims to be. The growing demands for the release of his birth certificate will divert attention from the pressing issues.

8. At the September County Real Estate Tax Sale, the entire borough of Shenandoah will be sold to a Saudi Prince - with Mahanoy City included in the sale - after the investor agrees to pay in cash! Ironically, within three years the Prince will demand his money back.

7. A new Dead Sea scroll will be discovered near the Rock along the Schuylkill River south of Port Clinton giving rise to a new religious sect as well as to a new pun - “Rock and Scroll" which results in yours truly being tossed off off the Rock.

6. The American Medical Association (AMA) will make a major announcement that will send shock waves around the world declaring that bleenies indeed cure flatulence.

5. Full body scans will be instituted at the Schuylkill County Fair after Congressman Holden delivers a check to cover the costs of the extra large equipment that is required. Three oversized women will appear with the Congressmen in a newspaper photograph accepting the check.

4. In a controversial development, the County Commissioners will issue a proclamation declaring mayonnaise the official condiment of the county's bicentennial celebrations resulting in both a stunning defeat for the north-of-the- mountain horseradish supporters as well as dozens of arrests throughout the county.

3. The Yorkville Burger King will select a commoner wife from Minersville. A royal wedding will be held at St. Patrick’s Chapel in early Spring with the reception to follow at...you guessed it...the Burger King.

2. My parole application will once again be denied.

1. In a move to increase its membership, the stodgy old Pottsville Club will forego its strict dress code by experimenting with a "Pantless Wednesday."

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