This year my new year resolution was to avoid any discussion on the New Year baby and so far I have kept my word. Best wishes to the mom, baby and the anonymous donor!
On January 13th, the Orthodox New Year's Day, I will formally announce my Predictions for 2011 in the Walmart Lobby. Since I received my associate's degree in hocus pocus from McCann's, I have been hailed as the true successor to Nostradamus.
To those of you that have no life and continue to read this blog I will give you a head's up on these predictions. So take solace my friends. Print them out and put them away to keep score next December. I have only been wrong once; that was when I erroneously predicted that the Three Pennsylvania Dutch Tenors' Groundhog Day CD would go platinum.
TOP TEN PREDICTIONS FOR THE ORTHODOX NEW YEAR
10. At the Sovereign Majestic Theatre members of the scientific community will present irrefutable proof that space aliens have indeed made contact with earth by premiering a startling documentary on the Pottsville American Way Fair.
9. During the upcoming Commissioner Race a “birther conspiracy movement” will spread rumors that the Mayor of Mount Carbon is not as youthful as he claims to be. The growing demands for the release of his birth certificate will divert attention from the pressing issues.
8. At the September County Real Estate Tax Sale, the entire borough of Shenandoah will be sold to a Saudi Prince - with Mahanoy City included in the sale - after the investor agrees to pay in cash! Ironically, within three years the Prince will demand his money back.
10. At the Sovereign Majestic Theatre members of the scientific community will present irrefutable proof that space aliens have indeed made contact with earth by premiering a startling documentary on the Pottsville American Way Fair.
9. During the upcoming Commissioner Race a “birther conspiracy movement” will spread rumors that the Mayor of Mount Carbon is not as youthful as he claims to be. The growing demands for the release of his birth certificate will divert attention from the pressing issues.
8. At the September County Real Estate Tax Sale, the entire borough of Shenandoah will be sold to a Saudi Prince - with Mahanoy City included in the sale - after the investor agrees to pay in cash! Ironically, within three years the Prince will demand his money back.
7. A new Dead Sea scroll will be discovered near the Rock along the Schuylkill River south of Port Clinton giving rise to a new religious sect as well as to a new pun - “Rock and Scroll" which results in yours truly being tossed off off the Rock.
6. The American Medical Association (AMA) will make a major announcement that will send shock waves around the world declaring that bleenies indeed cure flatulence.
5. Full body scans will be instituted at the Schuylkill County Fair after Congressman Holden delivers a check to cover the costs of the extra large equipment that is required. Three oversized women will appear with the Congressmen in a newspaper photograph accepting the check.
4. In a controversial development, the County Commissioners will issue a proclamation declaring mayonnaise the official condiment of the county's bicentennial celebrations resulting in both a stunning defeat for the north-of-the- mountain horseradish supporters as well as dozens of arrests throughout the county.
3. The Yorkville Burger King will select a commoner wife from Minersville. A royal wedding will be held at St. Patrick’s Chapel in early Spring with the reception to follow at...you guessed it...the Burger King.
2. My parole application will once again be denied.
1. In a move to increase its membership, the stodgy old Pottsville Club will forego its strict dress code by experimenting with a "Pantless Wednesday."
1. In a move to increase its membership, the stodgy old Pottsville Club will forego its strict dress code by experimenting with a "Pantless Wednesday."
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