Courthouse Canteen

“While getting my dog license this year, I finally realized why the Schuylkill County Courthouse has always had a reputation for fine cookery. Yes, I happened to have lunch in “The Canteen,” high upon Courthouse Hill. I started out with a cup of the highly recommended coffee while I studied the menu. The java was so strong that it made me shake as if I was Michael Jackson on his wedding night.
I have dined in the Courthouse for decades. In the early ‘60s, I remember dining in the café located on the first floor. I was there for my first divorce. I remember its name was “Mr. Bill’s Bistro.” Although it was primarily a breakfast nook, Mr. Bill would serve the finest Oscar Meyer cold cuts on Sunbeam white bread along with a hot cup of canned soup. What more could I say about Bill’s soup? Campbell’s Tomato never tasted better. And the presentation that Mr. Bill had for his consommé was exquisite – his legendary saltine crackers on the side. In fact, Mr. Bill was rumored to be the inspiration for the Soup Nazi on the TV show, Seinfeld. His loud and repetitive, “Next!” was certainly copied by the NBC scriptwriters without Bill ever getting any acknowledgement or royalties. My mouth begins to water when I think of his desert bar. It was filled with a various array of mouth watering Tastycakes. For entertainment, a radio would fade in and out, crackling with the finest in AM broadcasting. Generally you could catch some of the Phillies’ games. Then there was the weight machine that also gave your fortune – a perfect combination. Your weight, together with a fortune that was good for the rest of the day - all for one nickel! That is only 21/2 cents for each! It was not unusual to see a naïve juror take off shoes and undress prior to getting on the scale.
Unfortunately, Mr. Bill was put out of business after one elderly woman spilled some hot soup on her lap. The litigation lasted several years and eventually the sheriff had to sell everything to pay off the judgment.
In the 1970s, the Commissioners attempted to operate an “all you can eat” seafood buffet. Besides the usual fare of salmon, eel and clam chowder, the finest catch from Sweet Arrow Lake would be served daily. Nevertheless the place shut down after several months due to poor refrigeration. The dining facility then changed management more often that Michael Jackson changed his looks..
Luckily, the voters several years ago approved a $10 million bond issue and the Commissioners invested in a complete overhaul of the Courthouse dining facility. The wise outlay paid off with the grand opening of “The Canteen.” It is strictly American Wild West at it best. Think of the Hoop-de-do Revue at DisneyWorld, but on a smaller scale. Where else could you find work-release inmates singing the latest in country music while you feast? Be prepared for slapstick, corny jokes and lots of singing and dancing. But of course, the food is the center of attraction. There is a superb “Coroner’s delight buffet,” featuring an array of courthouse bologna. I stick to the split pea f.a. soup with a lean double cheese Horn Burger. A wide assortment of ice cream is also available. Enjoy a double dip of Prothonocherry or fiscal crunch while enjoying the breathtaking view of the city. If you think the restaurant revolves, you are wrong; that is the Turkish coffee working its magic once again.
How are the lavatories, you ask? Quite clean and cosmopolitan. One will find find politicians, criminals and paternity test takers, inside washing up before and after dining. No longer do you find the old, pull-down towel machine with more handprints preserved than found in Central Booking. Now a powerful hand dryer has been installed, strong enough to knock a hairpiece off an unsuspecting courthouse employee. And for you lavatory slow pokes, you can easily find a copy of the Police Gazette or the county budget to pass the time.
Lastly, The Canteen’s smoking lounge is unbelievable. It is suave and sophisticated. It is paradise found. Remember that most people involved in politics or government smoke. It is a prerequisite. Some say it has something to do with bad nerves or guilt. I just don’t know. What I do know is that Pottsville’s largest cloud of fumes since the East Penn busses crawled up Market Street now hovers in “The Canteen.” Old Gold, Viceroy, Tareyton, Raleigh, Muriel, Tiparillo, and Chesterfield – all blend together to give the lounge a special glow.
Yes I have over fifty years of fond Courthouse dining memories. I am glad to have shared a few of them with you.