Elvis' Birthday

The other night I dreamed that the federal judiciary had declared that all Christmas celebrations, even secular ones, were unconstitutional. To fill the void, people scrambled to come up with new holidays and new customs that would pass the constitutional muster test…..






Monday January 8th : Elvis’ Birthday



"For unto you is born this day in the city of Tupelo a superstar, which is Elvis the King.''

This morning I, as most fathers and some burly mothers, will dress up as Elvis. Yes, since Christmas was abolished, I will don my studded jumpsuit, my sequin scarf, my sunglasses, my black wig, flared pants and cape, just to see the look in the young ones’ eyes. I will swagger into the living room early in the morning to visit the children and give out the presents including the faux rhinestone “taking care of business” pendants. Since I appear as the heavy Elvis of the late ‘70s, I will let the children sit on my lap; but one at a time, as I am just recovering from hernia surgery. After the gifts are given, I'll slip out the door as Mammy yells on her bullhorn, “Elvis has just left the building.” The children will run to the window but it is no use; they can’t see me hiding. They are distracted by the plastic nativity set featuring Vernon, Gladys and baby Elvis that adorns the front lawn.

This is the magic of Elvis’ birthday. It is seen in the eyes of all the kids. They have been brought up to follow his golden rule, “Don’t Be Cruel.” They are good kids.

When I return sans costume, I will give every child in the room a big Elvis teddy bear hug and lead them into the kitchen for a traditional Elvis breakfast. Yes, every one will get six large eggs cooked in butter with extra salt, 1 lb of bacon, half a pound of sausages, and 12 buttermilk biscuits.
In about an hour when we have finished the meal, I'll divvy out the Tums, load up the pink Cadillac that I rented from Watcher’s on West Market Street and head downtown to the Majestic Theatre for the annual Elvis show. This year we'll listen to carolers sing some of his greatest hits and we will watch “Harem Scarem.” Someone told me that it was recommended by General George Joulwan as one of the best. I am not sure of that; I would have guessed he’d prefer G.I. Blues.

After the film, we will stop for a late lunch at Phase II and then head back home but first stopping at the Market Street Deli for lottery tickets.
When we arrive home, the kids will play with the Elvis miniature village. Every year I add something to the village. This year it is figurines of Sun Studio buddy, Jerry Lee Lewis, his girlfriend, Linda Thompson, and his physician, George Nichopoulos. I think that Dr. Nick is more popular than the plastic Michael Jackson figurine that I purchased last year. You know, he was Elvis’ son-in-law for a time, along with Nicholas Cage and, I think, Captain Lou Albino.
Next year I am adding Mohammed Ali’s Deer Lake Training Camp. Elvis used to stop there now and then on his way to Cruise Night.

The Trouts wish all of you a happy and safe holiday; try and enjoy the birth of Elvis as it was meant to be - a day when family, friends, and loved-ones spend time together laughing, eating, singing along with the old rock classics, eating some more, making memories that will last a life time, and still eating some more, and then some drinking. Did I forget the prescribed pills? Let’s not forget those. All legal you know. And then more eating. That’s the true meaning of the season and it is all constitutionally protected.

Remember Elvis’ words: “man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter and bananas.” Have a great Elvis' Birthday.



I then woke up.