I was able to obtain a document which supposedly contains the criteria used by the Diocese in its decision to close certain parish churches. Whether it is authentic or not is up to you. I think it is a hoax.
Guidelines for determining whether parish church remains opened or should be closed
1. PHYSICAL APPEARANCE
A. Roof and structure in good condition. Five Points.
B. Pews graffiti-free and polished. Five Points.
C. Kneelers free of rips and tears. Two Points
D. Indoor restroom facilities clean and spotless. Five Points
E. Fresh Holy Water in font. Five Points
F. Energy Efficient Heating and Cooling System. Five Points
G. Off-street Parking for more than ten vehicles. Five Points
H. Confessional handicapped accessible. Five Points
I. American, Vatican,, and Ireland flags ironed and in clean condition. Fifty-five Points
2. PARISH MEMBERSHIP
A. Number of members has increased over the past ten years. Ten Points
B. Active Choir that sings in key most of the time. Five Points
C. Active Women’s Guild. Five Points
D. Active Holy Name Society. Five Points
E. A majority of members gave positive reviews to “Sister Act.” Five Points
F. A majority of members are Notre Dame Football fans. Twenty-five points
G. A majority of members keep both holy water and Jameson’s Whiskey in their homes. Twenty-five Points
H. Active Hibernian Society. Twenty-five Points
I. Active Women’s Auxiliary of Hibernian Society. Twenty Points
J. More than fifty per cent of members have surnames that end in letters I, O, Y, or Z. Minus Fifty Points
3. FINANCIAL
A. Parish treasury is in the black. Twenty Points
B. Bazaar or Picnic held every summer. Ten Points
C At least three gambling wheels at Bazaar. Ten Points
D. Fifty-fifty chances sold at every Bazaar. Ten Points
E. Bingo games held regularly. Ten Points
F. No delinquent electric, oil, coal or incense bills. Ten Points
G. Parish had sponsored a “Half-Way to St. Patrick’s Day” party in September. Eighty Points
H. Fish dinners served just for the halibut. Five Points
2. PARISH MEMBERSHIP
A. Number of members has increased over the past ten years. Ten Points
B. Active Choir that sings in key most of the time. Five Points
C. Active Women’s Guild. Five Points
D. Active Holy Name Society. Five Points
E. A majority of members gave positive reviews to “Sister Act.” Five Points
F. A majority of members are Notre Dame Football fans. Twenty-five points
G. A majority of members keep both holy water and Jameson’s Whiskey in their homes. Twenty-five Points
H. Active Hibernian Society. Twenty-five Points
I. Active Women’s Auxiliary of Hibernian Society. Twenty Points
J. More than fifty per cent of members have surnames that end in letters I, O, Y, or Z. Minus Fifty Points
3. FINANCIAL
A. Parish treasury is in the black. Twenty Points
B. Bazaar or Picnic held every summer. Ten Points
C At least three gambling wheels at Bazaar. Ten Points
D. Fifty-fifty chances sold at every Bazaar. Ten Points
E. Bingo games held regularly. Ten Points
F. No delinquent electric, oil, coal or incense bills. Ten Points
G. Parish had sponsored a “Half-Way to St. Patrick’s Day” party in September. Eighty Points
H. Fish dinners served just for the halibut. Five Points
I. St. Patrick’s Day dinner held yearly. Eighty Points
J. Parish sponsored bus trip to see The Irish Tenors. Eighty Points
J. Parish sponsored bus trip to see The Irish Tenors. Eighty Points
1 comment:
I was alerted to this blog yesterday. It is the most outrageously funny, but hysterically accurate account of the county (I wish I could say Historical, but...)I have forwarded you link to numerous contacts across the country.
John DiNunzio
NBVM 1958
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