thoughts on swine flu & bleenia

The self-proclaimed Pottsville Surgeon General had a press conference on Comcast Channel 15 the other day. He discussed the prevention of swine flu, the things we can do to minimize its severity, as well as other ideas to help us through this crisis.

Here is a summary of his suggestions:

*Don’t get friendly with any unfamiliar pigs.
*If your sneezes sound more like "oink" than "achoo"

you probably are infected.
*When dining out, Frank's hot sauce generally will kill bacteria. Use it liberally.
*Cigarette smoke can kill any airborne bacteria that are aiming right at you.
*Avoid Kevin Bacon movies.
*Fill your piñatas only with Sudafed.
*When departing from the Zerbe Airport, wear your hazmat suit.
*Avoid crowded areas; shop at the Schuylkill Mall.
*If infected, just calmly tell others you have a mild case of monkeypox.
*Boilo!

I appreciated these helpful hints so much that I went downtown to thank him personally at his office at the old Warne Clinic which is (sort of) at Second and Mahantongo Streets. I say “sort of” as the doctor works out of an old Chrysler in the parking structure.
He still is distraught that the old downtown hospital has been knocked down. Yes, the Warne Clinic used to be at that corner but it was razed to make room for parking.
If you go to find him, you can spot him as he generally is wearing his stethoscope, a “Nurses Call the Shots” button; he also has a pack of Camels rolled up in his sleeve and is holding a defibrillator.

If he is not there, you can wait for his return in his car and read magazines or else try tracking him down at the Eagles Club.

I remember the last medical uproar which caught the county without warning. That was the great Bleenia Scare of the late 1970s. That was when many of the counties best and brightest youngsters developed an overwhelming craving for bleenies, and suffering all of the dire consequences. A generation truly at risk of being hooked on potato pancakes. This also put a strain on both the county potato crop, onion crop, not to mention our fledgling sour cream industry.
Yes, the surgeon general warned that too many bleenies could be hazardous to one’s health - but no one listened to him. No one believed that bleenies could be addictive. His warnings of the pending “frying pandemic” went unheeded. He was laughed at and scorned. But soon the local out-patient dispensaries were overflowing with hundreds of young people complaining about stomach cramps brought on by this overeating of these greasy potato cakes, as well as a noticable increase in acne.
The uncelebrated surgeon general had been a prophet way ahead of his time; crying out to everyone at all the local block parties; attempting to stop the madness of overconsumption of bleenies.
Now, thankfully, all bleenie stands must have the Surgeon General’s Warnings posted boldly in both English and Cyrillic. You know those bright yellow signs that warn against consuming six or more bleenies before swimming, and warn against squeezing the paper plate for its oil and then trying to use it as a tanning lotion.
Like we are so stupid that we need these warnings.

To fight the pandemic Channel 15 soon broadcasted a live telethon from the Pottsville parking lot along Route 61, featuring top notch county singers, polka dancers and dog acts, who despite professional jealousies, worked together to raise research funds needed to eradicate the scourge of the dreaded bleenia before another young person got hooked and gorged himself silly.
All in all, $427.00 was raised by the end of the show.

Actually before the show’s last act, the total was over $600, but then people started to call in cancelling their pledges. The disgruntled donors thought the money was going to fight bulimia, not bleenia, and they wanted their money back. I was one of them.

Within days a vaccine was released to the public. Now every middle-school child is immunized against bleenia. One rarely hears about bleenia anymore.

When was the last time you heard about any outbreak of bleenia west of Minsk? But one never knows. Hopefully you are up to date with your booster shot.

There are now more important ailments to fight such as the Swine Flu, obviously, but also Sniffles, Scabies, Hickies, Cell Phone Elbow, Disco Fever, Winter Carnival Depression, Irritable Wife Disorder, Foot in Mouth Disease, Restless Buttocks Syndrome (a/k/a The Hippy Hippy Shakes), Semicolonitis, Compulsive Twittering, the Heebie Jeebies and so many others.

Watch the telethons to fight these epidemics (err..pandemics) on Channel 15 this summer.