school district blues

Last month I read about the upheaval in the North Schuylkill School District. It sort of reminded me of the reality tv show Survivor with only one person is left. I soon put my paper down and fell asleep in my easy chair...I began to dream that I was the only director of the school district...and I was holding my first meeting......what a dream....

After the pledge of allegiance and the roll call, I called the meeting to order. I immediately moved to rename the high school after myself. I seconded the motion and it passed unanimously. I then moved to invite Arlen Spector to the gala dedication ceremony with the High School band playing only Metallica music. After I seconded, the motion was approved.

Then it came to the fiscal business. I immediately tackled the budget and motioned to allocate a large amount of money to be spent, I mean invested, at Mohegan Sun. Since gambling is off- limits to minors, which includes nearly all of the students not red-shirted, I graciously volunteered to play the slot machines in hopes of raising needed revenue without increasing taxes on the hard working property owners. My gesture of goodwill was accepted by the board without any objection.

Then there was the controversial issue of sex education. Should there be an increase in sex education or should that be left alone, to be figured out behind the bleachers after a big game? I moved that the matter be tabled until after the football season. The matter was so tabled.

Being sensitive to recent court rulings on "church and state" I moved that all textbooks be reviewed to remove any reference to a diety. In its place more references to Klingons and their language would be added, welcomed also by the Linguistics Department. Also, as Pluto had been cast out of the Solar System, as if it was some school board director, the time spent on teaching about the solar system (now in disarray) would be better spent on discussing Planet Hollywood. I then moved to approve a sub-lease of the Cafeteria with Planet Hollywood. After a spirited debate, the motion was approved unanimously.

I then moved that the science curriculum be revamped to teach the theory of Unintelligent Design and feature photographic evidence taken at Renninger's Market and the Pottsville American Way Fair. This would certainly scare the bejeezus out of the creationists and convince them once and for all that mankind is still evolving from the swamp. After lengthy debate, the motion failed as I had to abstain from voting due to a conflict of interest. Apparently I was caught in the photographs taken at Renninger's Market purchasing a watermelon and six sticky buns. Another photograph depicted Mammy and I eating funnel cake at the last American Way Fair. I had lots of powered sugar on my face in that one!

The press then pushed me on my position with the rebels in Ringtown who were clamoring for self-determination. I responded that I would not hesitate to declare a state of Murphy's Law and call out every patrol boy and crossing guard in the district to quell any disturbance in that break-away municipality. But as a token of goodwill I stressed that I would push for peace talks with the rebels, to be held in a neutral arena, such as Mohegan Suns Slots Parlor, in the law abiding neighboring Luzerne County. I would personally attend such a summit and stay as long as it takes to have "peace with honor."

I then set a date for the next meeting and placed on the agenda the need to consider changing the nickname of the school from the ethnically-offensive Spartans which I consider stereotypically degrading to our Greek-American citizens, most of whom are peaceful restaurant proprietors....I finally moved to adjourn the meeting, I then seconded my motion and the meeting was adjourned.....zzz....zzzz....zzz.....zzzz