Courthouse Cookbook

Mammy Trout is so excited about the Schuylkill County Cookbook being prepared which will feature some of the best of Schuylkill County cuisine, the foods that have made us what we are today as - you are what you eat. I always think of that line when I am at JFK Pool, looking around at the crowd. If we are what we eat, then many of us swimmers must be hams or butterball turkeys.
Yes, the cookbook will contain more than just recipes for halushki, beer nuts, birch beer and scrapple; no, many interesting quotes and words of wisdom are also included. Here is a sampling:
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
“Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.”
“If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.”

Riddles are also included:
“Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
“What can you make from baked beans and onions?” Tear gas.

Yes, the cookbook will present exemplary instruction of preparation of the savory mainstream dishes from all corners of the county, offering 1,000s of recipes without being burdened down with any dull, dumb nutritional information…borrr-ing… Instead the book has many baloney recipes submitted by local politicians, who are full of them. You will also find the sought after courthouse recipes for Prothonocherry ice cream, D.A. Split Plea Soup and Coroner's triple bacon burger.

The book will be great for cooks of all levels. It has a lot of great introductory information - how do you boil water? Can you stick your head in the microwave while it is on? Can you use bacon fat as a cake frosting substitute? Should you plug in your defibrillator before or after your super-sized bacon burger? What do you do if you run out of booze? Is it socially acceptable to practice the Heimlich maneuver during a County Commissioner meeting?

In addition, the book will ease you into many advanced recipes.

Looking to cook pig’s stomach for the annual Pine Grove Sadie Hawkins Day race?

This book will have all of the answers that you have been looking for over the years, from start to finish - from wrestling the pig to the ground, to breaking its neck, to gutting and removing the organs properly.

Trying to make a special dinner celebrating your babe’s new tramp stamp tattoo?

This cookbook has the right onion ring recipes for that happy occasion, all easy to understand and with gorgeous photos of local natives sipping on ice tea while they eat a handful of the tasty treats.

Having trouble rolling your own cigarettes to save on the high taxes?

I will leave you with a free sneak peak at this courthouse recipe:

1. Spread the tobacco out evenly on the rolling surface, preferably your desk at work.
2. Take your rolling paper and rest it with the crease between your thumb and middle finger, then rest your index finger in the crease to hold the paper down on whichever hand is not holding your cell phone or working a crossword puzzle.
3. Then using your free hand, begin at one end of the tobacco and delicately place the paper starting with the end you are holding it with.
4. Take a hold of the paper with the other hand (placing your cell phone between your jaw and your shoulder) again resting it between your middle finger and thumb.
5. Position the middle fingers so they roughly form a straight line from one end to the other.
6. Now using the thumbs, beginning rolling the cigarette between your thumb and middle fingers, doing this slow and evenly.

7. After the tobacco food product has been molded into the proper shape, pull your thumbs downward to have the edge of the paper align with the top of the tobacco.

8. Increase the pressure applied by the thumbs while moving the middle fingers upward, completing the rotation without creasing the bottom of the paper.
9. Complete the roll until the edge with the glue remains. Apply with a small streak of saliva (preferably your own rather than a co-worker who has been coughing up phlegm for days unexplainably).
10. Pinch off any loose tobacco at the ends and put back in your pouch for later use.
11. Get up from your desk and head outside. Place the unlit end in your mouth and enjoy! Smoke that cigarette for approximately 10-12 minutes before returning to work.
12. Repeat every hour.