Saturday, June 30, 2007

Tamaqua School District Dress Code

I had lots of fun writing this one. The material was great to work with.


Way to go Tamaqua! You are now the center of the greatest constitutional crisis in our nation since the days of the American Civil War; all because the Tamaqua school district has adopted a policy that flies in the face of the American principle that I hold dearly (I am referring to “principle” and not “principal” as in Mr. Weatherbee of Riverdale High School). I am not referring to freedom of the press or religion, as they pale in importance. I am referring to the four freedoms espoused by Franklin Roosevelt: The freedom to wear whatever I want to wear, whenever I want; the freedom to be disheveled; the freedom to wear over-priced, brand name clothes and the freedom to have the "right look" in the school yard, whether it is goth, punk, emo kid, prep, jock, hippie, or redneck.
Somehow the school board has lost touch with reality. Don’t these board members realize that to be really “cool” and overcome teenage insecurities and self-doubts, the students have to wear the “right clothing,”otherwise they are unable to learn anything.
Anyone with a grasp of our nation’s history realizes that our founding mothers and fathers sacrificed their treasure and split their blood so that their descendants could dress as they pleased. Yes, the battle cry now heard in the Lewistown Valley goes back to the days of the American Revolution. I dusted off my old American History book and rediscovered some basic facts that truly are self-evident. Did you know that Patriot Patrick Henry stood up at the podium in the Virginia Statehouse, raised his fist in anger, crying out the immortal words, while dressed in his ‘76ers Iverson Jersey and oversized shorts, “Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased a the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me my Big Pecker tee shirt or give me death!” Oh! How we forget! You owe your right to dress as a Red Hot Chili Pepper during biology class to old Pat Henry.
Pat Henry’s emotional plea set off a tremor that rocked all thirteen colonies. Soon Betsy Ross infuriated her teachers by wearing a dress that exposed her legs. When threatened with expulsion and a day in the pillory, the brass young woman screamed out, “Don’t expel me until you see the whites of my thighs.” All I can say is “Right on, Betsy! You go girl!
Another controversial figure was Bostonian James Otis who supported the cause of freedom by announcing, “A dress code that doesn’t permit underclothing from showing is tyranny.” This simple spark of liberty - to wear one’s underpants on the outside visible for every one to see - triggered the greatest movement towards freedom and democracy that the world has ever witnessed. Years later, Pennsylvanian Ben Franklin, just back from France and its Enlightenment, introduced la frie to the clamoring public. While eating these thin strips of potato, Pennsylvanians read his Poor Richard’s Almanak’s daily fashion tips promoting the idea of young girls dressing like French whores. A very enlightening idea! His belief that a young girl should dress slutty lay dormant for almost two hundred years, but is now the norm among freedom lovers everywhere. Thank you Ben Franklin! Incidentally, you may not know that Franklin received his nickname of “Big Ben” due to his love of wearing his trademark bicycle shorts while walking bare-chested around Rittenhouse Square. If you don’t believe me, just get a hold of a fifty-dollar bill and look closely for yourself.
This purely American credo to dress “down and dirty” continued from the 1700’s until the present. The Tamaqua School Board has no right to crush this freedom that blood was spilt for. Don’t these board members remember that in the 1950 young Rosa Parks refused to get off of her school bus just because she wore her spaghetti strap tank top emblazoned with the words “bootilicious” and her micro shorts? Her bravery touched off the massive civil rights struggle to wear what we want, when we want. This is what American freedom is all about. The Tamaqua School District’s policy is just the first step in crushing every freedom that we know and love.
Noted educator and bluesman, Booker T. Washington, before he recorded his smash hit “Green Onions” eloquently wrote that “the whole purpose of school is to be able to accentuate and flaunt one’s behind and other bodily parts; dress codes interfere with this natural phenomena.”
I say, “Damn the dress code! Full Steam ahead!” How dare we allow some elected school board member from questioning our God given right to come to class wearing bandanas on our heads, muscle shirts and our pants down around our crotches. I want to express myself whenever I please, just as the founding fathers and mothers pleased themselves. Take a look at the famous John Trumball painting of the Signing of the Declaration of Independence, which hangs in the U.S Capitol. Most of the signers are all wearing the same style of designer, brand name clothing. Preppy Tom Jefferson’s Izod alligator is clearly visible to the naked eye. Nothing has changed with time. Now, over 200 years later many Tamaquan students want to wear Abercrombie & Fitch clothing such as fitted t shirts and baggy ripped jeans, hoping that they will be fit into the mass media’s artificially created clique of pretentiousness. Luckily they have the support of parents who rightfully believe that their children’s creativity will be damaged unless the kids are permitted to dress all alike in expensive designer labeled clothing or goth wear. These parents have their priorities right when it comes to school involvement. I say that we should all stand behind the kids and protect their constitutional right to buy their proper identity as determined by the corporate advertisers, Hollywood and MTV. They are certainly mature enough to realize that true happiness is gained by purchasing the proper named brand goods, even if they max out the family credit card. Isn’t that what the pursuit of happiness is all about? It certainly is!

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