Hegins Coleman Shoot Cancelled

The passing of Gary Coleman did not go unnoticed in Schuylkill County. It seemed to be the second biggest talk of the area, right behind the Pottsville Republican Shenandoah Herald’s front page May 30th article on the New Philadelphia ramage involving Somali pirates. Ironically, the article was retracted the next day, but it sure did liven up an otherwise dull weekend.

The story on the passing of Gary Coleman was not retracted. The paper still stands behind it.

The sleepy village of Hegins took the loss of Mr.Coleman especially hard; flags were all lowered to quarter mast, the general feed store was closed and the chickens refused to lay eggs. The child actor, known for his innocent, charming role as Arnold Jackson in the situation comedy “Diff’rent Strokes” was a cause célèbre in this section of the west end, where the citizenry could not get enough of that long-running television show about the misadventures of a rich Manhattan family who adopt the children of their late African-American maid. Up and down the streets one could hear that catch phrase, “What'chu talkin' 'bout, Willis?" being spoken with a heavy Pennsylvania Dutch accent.
Hegins is different than neighboring Valley View where its population swears allegiance to the geeky Urkel, the character on the popular rival show, Family Matters. This is obvious to anyone driving through Valley View, where just about everyone wears suspenders, while in Hegins belts are worn.
To this day, Sociologists are stumped as to why the difference in opinion between these two conjoined farm hamlets, differences which, at times, erupted into a full fledged, old-fashioned, west end feud.

A review of the history of the villages reveals that at one time, in the 1940s, the popularity of the character Buckwheat from the Our Gang series united the two villages, but with the advent of television, Valley View and Hegins, began to distance themselves from one another. In the 1960s Hegins was beholden to Jerry “The Beaver” Mathers, while Valley View gravitated to his side-kick, Lumpy Rutherford. It got worse as time went on. In fact the scuffles at the pigeon shoot later involved those disciples of Urkel that dispised Gary Coleman and everything he stood for.

Yep, just as Bob Hope was feted with a golf tournament with his name attached, and just as Jim Thorpe had a Pennsylvania county seat named after him, Gary Coleman had a Pigeon Shoot christened in his honor at Hegins. Yes, the Gary Coleman Hegins Pigeon Shoot occurred every Labor Day drawing throngs of fans of Diff’rent Strokes, and those protestors that favored Urkel. Most of the protestors can be seen in the newspaper wearing suspenders. The newspapers got the storyline all wrong and linked the protestors to animal rights, just like the paper recently got the New Philadelphia scuffle all wrong.

Heck, everyone I know is in favor of shooting defenseless birds.

Although the Shoot was named after Gary Coleman, he never attended one event there. But one must remember that Jim Thorpe never set foot in old Mauch Chunk (at least not while he was alive).
Mr. Coleman, at times, would deny any connection with the Shoot, answering any reporter’s questions rhetorically as with his standard line of “What'chu talkin' 'bout, Willis?"

With the passing of Mr. Coleman, it appears that the Hegins Pigeon Shoot will now fold. The high elders of the village will soon meet in emergency session and begin to search for a child actor replacement to rally the people around. I also understand that the shoot will be replaced with a wine and cheese party. Our forebearers would roll over in their graves if they heard that people would gather and eat fondue and drink french wine. Yes, just another downward spiral in the collapse of our culture.

Maybe this time though, the two villages can come to some agreement. It is time for unity.

Pottsville and the UFO (part 2)

The recent release of the photograph of the UFO hovering over the county seat has created pandemonium in the anthracite community. Panic like this has not been seen in Pottsville since the closing of the S&H Green Stamp Store in the early 1960s.
An emergency city meeting was recently held at the City’s Planetarium* headed by city officials, the City’s Surgeon General, the leading local astrophysicists and cosmetologists, as well as several other know-it-alls. It is the most serious space crisis since Pluto was ejected from the solar system or, some say, the death of Freddy Mercury.

The county newspaper was still clinging to the theory that the UFO was merely a Chinese lantern released by the Pottsville Drama Club. Yet the results of a recent survey indicate that only 4% of the county residents believe in that explanation, well behind the 78% who believe that the alien spaceship was real.
Attendance at the May Fair was well below normal due to fear the aliens were planning to harvest attendees as a food supply, fattening them on funnel cake. Funnel cake sales were way down at the festival. West end farmers’ wheat crop is now going unpurchased due to the lack of demand for funnel cake. An economic tumble is now occurring. Summer jobs for the county youth in the seasonal funnel cake industry are practically non-existent. Calls for a federal funnel cake bail-out are being heard from the candidates of both major political parties.
Many attending the contentious Planetarium meeting reportedly had seen what appeared to be an alien corpse in the window of Kep’s Corner Store; they demanded answers, not content to believe the newspaper account that it was merely “a pretty window display.” Many were now afraid to play the daily lottery for fear of being abducted and made into some sort of cosmic soufflé.
There were so many questions to be answered. The Surgeon General responded as best he could, since he had just arrived from the Eagle’s Club and wasn’t feeling very well. He assured the crowd that a city ordinance enacted in the late 1950s already prohibits the display of alien corpses in any commercial window.
“I have carefully examined the remains of the androgynous humanoid found in Kep’s window, and folks, it was not an alien but rather a blow-up doll purchased in North Manheim Township. I had plans to perform a full autopsy but I was fearful that the thing would deflate upon only the slightest incision, and I also needed to purchase my Powerball ticket. I performed quick cursory physical examination and it is safe to walk the streets.”

Hands quickly shot up in the audience.

"No one walks anymore!"

“Will an alien invasion cause any school delays?”

“Will the moon walk be permitted at the next American Way Fair?”

“If the aliens settle in Schuylkill County, is it too late to have them included in the census?”

“Is Pottsville now another Roswell?”

While answers were being given, many chanted “Baloney!” At first it was thought they were hecklers, but later it was determined that they were just hungry. The cafeteria staff quickly distributed cold cut sandwiches.
A school district administrator believed the meeting a success, as the fear of alien abduction diverted attention from the pending new school dress code which forbad, for the first time, low cut astronaut suits.

A spokesman for PADCO offered to pay for a proper burial of the humanoid’s remains. This led to a heated discussion and it was decided that the alien in the window would be sent floating down the underground Norwegian Crik by being tossed in the water’s opening near the Ryon Insurance Agency.
At the conclusion of the meeting the moderator announced that anyone wishing to watch “Dancing With the Stars” should leave the Planetarium first to avoid any traffic delays as the show was going to start in approximately fifteen minutes. With that announcement, a stampede began and the Planetarium emptied within two minutes.

A few lingered behind, still despondent over the fact that Buzz Aldrin had been voted off the popular tv show.

*the planetarium has yet to be named after a school board director.

Forest Hills

Forest Hills was created in the early 1960s when Pottsville wanted more room for the expansion of public housing and to recreate itself. A relocation and movement of the city’s middle class was determined as the best way to accomplish this goal. This resettlement program, freeing the center city of the middle class, is referred to in the city’s history as 'the Trail of Tears'. It was also during this period that Penn State Schuylkill was told to leave the city.
This project did not occur without a hitch as Forest Hills is cut off from the rest of the city by the borough of Mount Carbon. You see, Forest Hills is not joined to the rest of Pottsville; its sort of like Alaska. Alaska is cut off by Canada for those of you geographically illiterate.
Study a map of the area carefully (Schuylkill County, not Alaska); use a microscope if necessary. A tiny independent governmental entity named “Mount Carbon” actually exists and splits Pottsville into two. I swear to this upon my grandmother’s grave.

Mount Carbon has often been referred to as the Lichtenstein of Schuylkill County, in that it is a small, mountainous tax haven, having more businesses than residents. It is sometimes affectionately called “Tiny Town.”
The population of Mount Carbon is difficult to determine as some statistics include patrons of the local taverns who stay too long, those buried in the cemeteries, and the lobsters in the seafood store.

The road from Pottsville Proper to Forest Hills traverses Mount Carbon and this ticked off Mount Carbonites, who were envious of the tax base, creating a crisis. It appears that Pottsville, Mount Carbon and North Manheim Township all claimed parts of the settled territory.
Forest Hills was to be a middle-class residential oasis, devoid of any commercial buildings or eating establishments. Yep, no soup kitchens, no tattoo parlors, no nothing. Zippo. Therefore, the residents were dependent on Mount Carbon for pizza, hoagies, chips, seafood, and beer.
Mount Carbon began to build a wall around Forest Hills and also started a blockade. In response, city officials organized a helicopter mission to carry the daily necessities of life as mentioned to the citizens of Forest Hills. Likewise, Forest Hillites dug tunnels to get to Goodfella’s and Julian’s taverns and bring back snack foods as well as companionship. Some of the tunnels are still visible today.
The effort was clearly succeeding and by April of the following year the Mount Carbon officials capitulated when Mayor Stephenson gave his stirring “tear down this wall” speech and the isolation of Mount Carbon ended. Soon travel between Forest Hills and the rest of the world resumed once again.
A peace treaty was soon signed between Tiny Town, the Township and Pottsville which allowed one privately owned road to be maintained through Mount Carbon without the borough having to pay one red cent for any expenses. North Manheim Township was given control over much of the more ritzy section of Forest Hills.

The Tiny Town treasurer emptied the paper bag which contained all of the borough’s revenue onto the table, totaling $335.27 cash, three “free glass of beer” tokens from Goodfellas, two 10% discount coupons from Adelphia’s, and two Winter Carnival buttons. All of this revenue was already was earmarked for other borough projects. There was nothing left for road repairs.
Eighteen people joined hands in one human chain that stretched from one end of the borough to the other, raising nearly $42.50 towards a fund to maintain the road. This was called “Hands Across Mount Carbon” and was filmed and put to music. Alas, the money raised was not enough.
Luckily, there is discussion of the City of Pottsville pledging city tax dollars to perpetually maintain the private road through Mount Carbon as a form of restitution to those middle class residents forced to leave the city during the Trail of Tears period.
I am not sure who pays for the road maintenance of the ritzy section in North Manheim Township. I probably would guess Pottsville.

UFO over Pottsville

The Republican Herald on April 29th featured this story on the UFO sighting in Pottsville
Officials: Object not UFO; but what was it?
It was disappointing; it was part of the continuing cover-up of extra-terrestrial visits.

However, here is proof that aliens have made contact with Schuylkill County! Please study the above photograph carefully. Ignore the photograph to the right.

This is not some paper lantern released by some drama or glee club. Notice a saucer-shaped object above the Schuylkill County Courthouse. If you magnify the photograph you will faintly make out several courthouse employees having a tobacco break.

Proof that the photo is authentic!

The person who captured this photograph, referred to only as Mammy T. (she desires to keep her identity confidential) sat for an exclusive interview.

Q. Mammy T, where were you when this photograph was taken?
A. I was bird watching on Lawton’s Hill, looking for a downy woodpecker, when my binoculars nearly got knocked out of my hands by the gigantic intergalactic flying object.

Q. How long was it visible?
A. For about three minutes about 100 feet above me, it just wobbled and floated in air. The same amount of time it takes for the traffic light to turn green if you are waiting at the corner by the Necho Allen, trying to turn left onto Centre Street. It was during that time frame that I snapped the now famous photograph.

Q. What was your first reaction?
A. I was scared… the thing was bigger than a house. I remembered what I was taught in grade school, if ever I was involved in an extraterrestrial encounter…. I stopped, dropped and rolled.

Q. Did you get any other photographs?
A. No, I could have but I needed to text a take-out order from Charlie’s Sub Shop. By the time I finished texting the saucer had disappeared.

Q. Where did it go?
A. I donna know. I was too busy texting in my hoagie order, trying to spell out the word mayonnaise…boy, is that hard to spell... especially after stopping, dropping and rolling….I should have just used the abbreviation mayo.

Q. Did you talk to anyone about what you had just witnessed?
A. The people at the shop. They thought I was a kook. So I paid for my hoagies and quickly left. After that I just clammed up and kept this to myself until now. I was scared for me and my family. The government does not want this information out.

Q. Do you have any opinion as to why the spacecraft selected Pottsville?
A. Yes. I have several differing theories. One is that the area may appear to them to be a black hole. Take a look at the parking lot at Market and Second Street. Say that doesn’t look like a black hole? Two has to with the pending Intermodal being erected near Mootz’s Candy Store. Boy, do I love their peanut rolls... Aliens may believe that the Intermodal is some sort of welcome mat. My last theory is the one I am leaning towards. The American Way, or May Fair, is somehow a part of a planned alien invasion that has already been undertaken. Did you hear that famed British scientist Screamin’ Jay Hawkins has warned us that we must avoid aliens at all cost as they are dangerous? That is why I avoid the moon walk at the fair.

Q. Why the May Fair?
A. It is possible that the people at the May Fair were being harvested and fattened as a food supply for the aliens. On the other hand, the extra-terrestrials may actually enjoy the festival, mingling with the revelers, blending in with the crowd. Time will tell, but don't let your guard down. Trust no one.

Q. Have you have any alien encounters since?
A. Since that day, I had one brief telepathic communication with the aliens.

Q. What was the message communicated to you?
A. I was told how to spell the word mayonnaise. It is a word I will never forget. Two n's.