leave all 67 of us alone

I was reading House Bill 2431 which was introduced in our legislature for the asinine purpose of consolidating local governments into their respective county governments. It was in the August 1^st Republican Herald.

It made me sick to my stomach.

I thought of the sacrifices made by our service men and women who protect our way of life here in the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, the Keystone State, where we can still enjoy a myriad of government officials, their administrative staffs, their workers and assorted hanger-ons - all duplicating services for us, the little people.

Now someone politician wants to take this right away from us.

Well excuse me. I feel sick again.

I don’t want history to repeat itself. I know what happened to Yorkville one hundred years ago. It was once a thriving metropolis, the heart of Germanic culture in Schuylkill County. It had its own government, led by Der Bürgermeister, its own administrative staff, its own schools, its own road crew, its own polizeikraft, its own Hundefänger, and its own currency. In a blink of an eye, all of that was taken away.

The promise that the Yorkvillians would retain their cultural heritage was immediately broken. Immediately the Pottsville City council outlawed German chocolate cake, lederhosen, and techno music – yes, techno music. The only thing left remaining was beer drinking. But the worst was that Yorkville bureaucrats were forced to find employment in the free market. The Yorkville tax collector I understand, when confronted with having to find honest employment, had to be institutionalized, thereby depriving another person of a needed bed at the local asylum. Yes, there still is only one county asylum rather than 67 asylums.... just another reason I am against consolidation.

While the obliteration of Yorkville is widely known, the conquest of Rahn Township, in the east end of Schuylkill County (yes, there really is an east end), has been kept a secret. A top secret.

Rahn Township was a civilization far more advanced than our own. It was a peaceful community with superior knowledge, thriving commerce and advanced technology. Archaeologists have verified that the eight track cartridge was widely used in Rahn Township over one hundred years ago, substantiating the claim of scientific advancement. There is very little other evidence of Rahn Township’s glory days left. Perhaps a few stones from one of the sacred wells or the altar to Poseidon, but that is about it. Despite rumors, there is no proof that Rahnites grew extraterrestrial wheat but the lack of evidence does not extinguish the legend surrounding Rahn Township.

No one predicted the fall of Rahn civilization, but it happened.

The consolidation of Tamaqua with Rahn Township was meant to save tax dollars. A very benign endeavor... “Building permits would be issued from only one department rather than two”... was the rallying cry. Thus began the slide on the slippery slope to oblivion. Within a few years Rahn Township was no more. Its few surviving natives were led off to make the back flaps for the thermal underwear in the factories of Tamaqua, never to return home. The altar to Poseidon was leveled and all the eight track cartridges destroyed.

This is why House bill 2431 must be defeated. Remember that consolidating local governments will eliminate many good paying jobs that have both defined benefit pension plans and other fringe benefits, such as pet bereavement leave. Many of these jobs have been held by families generation after generation. By increasing government we will be increasing employment.

We should be encouraging more local government as an economic stimulus package. For instance Schuylkill Haven could be easily split into several independent municipalities – Smoketown, Columbia Heights and the Irish Flats for starters; each with its own police force, solicitor’s office, dog catcher and street department. Likewise in St. Clair, Arnot’s Addition is just itching for independence, you can see it in the sullen eyes of its downtrodden citizenry.

I don’t want to hear any more bullsh*t about consolidation. I want more layers of inefficient governments, not less. It is our tax money and we should be able to waste it as we see fit. Inefficiency is part of our Pennsylvanian heritage and we must fight to protect it. Local government in Schuylkill County is a beautiful mosaic of 67 distinct units, often compared to the AIDS quilt, and we need to protect every one of those units.

I don’t care that our fragmented system of local government is out of touch with the 21^st century as I always thought that the 19^th century was great (except for the civil war). If Pennsylvania is running out of money then legalize and tax other forms of gambling. Rooster fighting for starters, but please, just let every one of our 67 local tax collectors count the money.

requiem for a peanut roll

Special to the Beansoup for the Soul Blog
Pottsville, Aug 1(AP) – The special County Grand Jury today convened to investigate charges of chocolate candy hoarding against several individuals, all violations of Section 6 of the Pottsville Candy Control Act, alleged to have large quantities of peanut rolls, nonpareils, and chocolate covered cherries in their possession.
In a statement issued by the City of Pottsville’s Surgeon General, it was alleged that the candy hoarding was apparently sufficient to maintain a family for a year and hence far in excess of the requirements for seven days, the period recognized by the City as a “reasonable” for residents during this time of crisis.
This is the first investigation of individual candy hoarding which became illegal after the sudden and abrupt closing of Mootz Candy Store, which created pandemonium in the county seat and elsewhere. With the announcement of the close of Mootz Candy Store, panic and fear took hold of the population. Long lines formed to purchase the remaining candy supplies at fifty per cent off (see photograph above), thus allowing the lucky ones to consume twice as much chocolate, but leaving the majority of us without enough chocolate to survive. The line at the store was reported to be larger than the bleenie line in Shenandoah on social security day according to an anonymous reliable source.
The crisis was unparalleled in modern Pottsville History in terms of scope, size and violence. It was more violent than the Cartoon Riots that occurred in Garfield Square over ten years ago when a passerby questioned the chastity of little orphan Annie, who was beloved by the citizenry. The Cartoon riots lasted five days, ending with the pillaging and destruction of the Garfield School building, often compared to the destruction of the temple in Jerusalem.

The initial protest over the candy shortage occurred along Centre Street, spilling northwards towards Jalappa and southwestward towards Bunker Hill. Starting with peaceful petitioning, the disturbance quickly escalated to riots and looting. The police were able to quell the disturbances within twenty-four hours with the assistance of the city K-9 corps and meter maids.
City Hall issued a press release stating that the police are ready at all times to proceed against hoarders, regardless of their social standing, and that charges will be filed to the end. It is alleged that one house on Greenwood Hill was recently raided, revealing a garage with 10 barrels of dark fudge, 7 barrels of white fudge, 5 barrels of maple walnut fudge, 105 pounds of non-pareils, 100 pounds of chocolate covered pretzels and 75 pounds of gumdrops.
Neighbors are reporting neighbors who are discovered to be burying large quantities of peanut rolls in backyards; all as a result of the reward money posted by the city.
The Surgeon General hopes that with the opening of the Intermodal Transportation Center busses will be available for those wanting to travel to Hershey in order to obtain the sought after chocolate.

With the approaching extinction of quality retail stores in the county, discussions are underway for a second hand candy store to open at the former Mootz location. When asked what a second hand candy store is, a PADCO representative said "a store that sells old candy past its expiration date, but at a deep discount; I prefer not to refer to it as stale candy; hopefully there will be candy cigarettes, Sugar Babies, Sky Bars, Mary Janes, fizzies, Bonomo turkish taffy, jujubes and wax lips. Such candy would be appropriate in a historical district... especially the wax lips which could add some long needed color to Centre Street."

sad news on the fate of the Mahantongo Street tree

It was most one of the dastardly deeds to befall the city of Pottsville. Some compared it to demolition of the Capitol Theatre, others compared it to the destruction of the old Y Building. However the city’s famed shade tree was cut down in the prime of its life, just as it was beginning to reach the rooftop of 802 Mahantongo Street.
Some may call it wanton vandalism. Others may call it domestic terrorism, I call it a political assassination. Yes, there is a heated tree contest going on in the city of Pottsville right now. With the fall of the axe, the Mahantongo Street tree is out of the competition.
And I was going to be the tree’s campaign manager – the Karl Rove of the tree competition, but now it is all over.

I was going to ask you, the readers who have wasted so much time reading this blog, to support the magnificent deciduous tree in its quest to be recognized as the official city tree.
Why, you ask, should anyone vote for that tree and not some other tree? What made the 802 Mahantongo Street tree so special?

No,it’s not because some believe (such as I) that this tree had mystical powers.

No, it’s not because of the legend that city founder John Pott sat under its branches for 49 days attempting to achieve enlightenment.

No, it is not because the tree has often been mistaken for the Cedars of Lebanon, Pennsylvania.

No, it is not because this tree inspired John O’Hara to move off of the street, relocate to Princeton and start drinking heavily.

It is simply because the tree represented our future.

Some have compared the Mahantongo and Norwegian street areas of Pottsville to Georgetown or Rittenhouse Square. I hope they are wrong. A tree such as the one at 802 Mahantongo Street would never have survived in those types of neighborhoods.

If people want to see a neighborhood full of prestige, charm and cleanliness, then I say let them go down to the Intermodal Transportation Center and get the hell out of town on some excursion trip to what they consider some yuppie wonderland.
What our city lacks in charm is made up tenfold in grittiness.
The tree was just one glorious living and breathing example of the mindset that sets us apart from say, Jim Thorpe or Lititz. It was our symbol of regret and missed opportunity. When visitors tour Mahantongo Street after visiting the brewery, this tree captured their imagination. It was the second most popular tourist attraction in the city according to the Visitors’ Bureau statistics. This is why our campaign slogan was going to be “Gritty, Grimy, Gloomy and Great!”* Now the visitors will have to be content to visit the large three story ladder on six hundred block which has been permanently affixed there as some sort of pop artwork until our tree rises once again from the earth.

There is a tendency in many societies throughout history to worship or mythologize trees; trees have played an important role in giving deep and sacred meaning throughout the ages. Driving on Mahantongo Street over the years I have carefully observed the growth of this tree from a baby sapling. I marveled at the elasticity of its branches, its shyness as it hugged the building wall, its annual decay and revival, and the way it arched its way through the porch up to the heavens. It’s rustling of its innumerable leaves was a spell of music, a funeral durge to be exact, to passerbys.

I will miss that tree and the skank culture it brought to the once high falutin street. And now the tree is gone, just a memory. Just as Nancy Kerrigan was knocked out of the ice skating competition by Tanya Harding, our beloved tree was most likely done in by a worried competitor. Maybe the tree could still win the contest posthumously if you really care enough.

*slogan is now available for other candidates to use.

Courthouse Cookbook

Mammy Trout is so excited about the Schuylkill County Cookbook being prepared which will feature some of the best of Schuylkill County cuisine, the foods that have made us what we are today as - you are what you eat. I always think of that line when I am at JFK Pool, looking around at the crowd. If we are what we eat, then many of us swimmers must be hams or butterball turkeys.
Yes, the cookbook will contain more than just recipes for halushki, beer nuts, birch beer and scrapple; no, many interesting quotes and words of wisdom are also included. Here is a sampling:
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
“Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.”
“If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.”

Riddles are also included:
“Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
“What can you make from baked beans and onions?” Tear gas.

Yes, the cookbook will present exemplary instruction of preparation of the savory mainstream dishes from all corners of the county, offering 1,000s of recipes without being burdened down with any dull, dumb nutritional information…borrr-ing… Instead the book has many baloney recipes submitted by local politicians, who are full of them. You will also find the sought after courthouse recipes for Prothonocherry ice cream, D.A. Split Plea Soup and Coroner's triple bacon burger.

The book will be great for cooks of all levels. It has a lot of great introductory information - how do you boil water? Can you stick your head in the microwave while it is on? Can you use bacon fat as a cake frosting substitute? Should you plug in your defibrillator before or after your super-sized bacon burger? What do you do if you run out of booze? Is it socially acceptable to practice the Heimlich maneuver during a County Commissioner meeting?

In addition, the book will ease you into many advanced recipes.

Looking to cook pig’s stomach for the annual Pine Grove Sadie Hawkins Day race?

This book will have all of the answers that you have been looking for over the years, from start to finish - from wrestling the pig to the ground, to breaking its neck, to gutting and removing the organs properly.

Trying to make a special dinner celebrating your babe’s new tramp stamp tattoo?

This cookbook has the right onion ring recipes for that happy occasion, all easy to understand and with gorgeous photos of local natives sipping on ice tea while they eat a handful of the tasty treats.

Having trouble rolling your own cigarettes to save on the high taxes?

I will leave you with a free sneak peak at this courthouse recipe:

1. Spread the tobacco out evenly on the rolling surface, preferably your desk at work.
2. Take your rolling paper and rest it with the crease between your thumb and middle finger, then rest your index finger in the crease to hold the paper down on whichever hand is not holding your cell phone or working a crossword puzzle.
3. Then using your free hand, begin at one end of the tobacco and delicately place the paper starting with the end you are holding it with.
4. Take a hold of the paper with the other hand (placing your cell phone between your jaw and your shoulder) again resting it between your middle finger and thumb.
5. Position the middle fingers so they roughly form a straight line from one end to the other.
6. Now using the thumbs, beginning rolling the cigarette between your thumb and middle fingers, doing this slow and evenly.

7. After the tobacco food product has been molded into the proper shape, pull your thumbs downward to have the edge of the paper align with the top of the tobacco.

8. Increase the pressure applied by the thumbs while moving the middle fingers upward, completing the rotation without creasing the bottom of the paper.
9. Complete the roll until the edge with the glue remains. Apply with a small streak of saliva (preferably your own rather than a co-worker who has been coughing up phlegm for days unexplainably).
10. Pinch off any loose tobacco at the ends and put back in your pouch for later use.
11. Get up from your desk and head outside. Place the unlit end in your mouth and enjoy! Smoke that cigarette for approximately 10-12 minutes before returning to work.
12. Repeat every hour.