Conundrum

"Conundrum"
That is a fancy word for puzzle or mystery. The conundrum I am facing was created by two opposing recent realities:
1. Mammy got a letter from the Social Security Administration which told her that her benefits are protected against inflation. By law they increase when there is a rise in the cost of living. The government measures changes in the cost of living through the Department of Labor’s Consumer Price Index (CPI). The CPI has not risen since the last cost-of-living adjustment was determined in 2008. As a result her benefits will not increase in 2011 (yes, Mammy is older than me, she is what is referred to as a cougar).
2. Pennsylvania lawmakers and judges are entitled to a cost of living pay increase due to inflation. Yes, I understand that there are different statistical data used for government officials than those used for the regular folks, but it is difficult to explain to others. Starting this month, the 1.6709 percent cost-of-living increase will boost a legislator’s salary to $79,623.23. I tried to remember what some of the fringe benefits included and found an old 2006 list, which included health care insurance, long term nursing home insurance, disability, dental, vision, and prescription insurance, $39,800 per year for expenses; $4,000 for postage, $141 a day stipend on legislative business; $7,800 for auto leasing, and some others including the golden cow – a defined benefit pension. These have all gone up since then I assume.

This puzzle can be referred to as a koan or paradox. But I told Mammy the solution to the koan is obvious, government officials have higher bills to pay than the rest of us. I told her to quit complaining and cut back on her Metamucil intake, try diluting it with more water or eat more dandelions. She can quite the Matlock fan club and save a few bucks on the dues. She can cut back on bleenies and order only five instead of six. We should be blessed that Schuylkill County has three representatives working for us in Harrisburg and they deserve every penny earned as well as those perks.

As for the appellate judges, Cadillacs, Lexuses, Mercedes Benz, and high end SUVs (including one leased by one Supreme Court Justice from his own brother) are expensive to maintain, even if the state pays for their monthly lease payments and reimburses them for mileage. Pennsylvania’s top judges are among the highest paid in the nation and I told Mammy that she should get down on her knees and thank the Lord above that this is so, and hopefully no other state will ever surpass us. I told her that she should check the price of Turtle Wax. It is through the roof.

Zerbe International Airport

JOE ZERBE INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT, SCHUYLKILL COUNTY

Mammy just finished putting on bumper sticker, “I will give up the county code when they pry my cold, dead fingers from around it” on the back of our car. We then headed towards Minersville for an early Thanksgiving vacation in Allentown. We decided to fly out of Joe Zerbe International Airport because the round trip tickets were all I could get with my 100 books of S & H Green Stamps. It also seemed less hectic than driving on 78 with so many tractor trailers now delivering Chia Pets, clappers and other Christmas gifts to the various stores.

I let Mammy out with the luggage and then parked the car in the long term parking area. The shuttle bus took me to the terminal and I found Mammy. She was checking the luggage and arguing with the attendant. She insisted that our tickets guaranteed us seats in the smoking section of the plane. Apparently this was incorrect information we were given at the Pottsville S & H Green Stamp Redemption Center.

Since we arrived at the airport two hours we headed over to the duty-free gift shop where many unclaimed items that had fallen out of suitcases that opened up coming down the chute to the luggage carousel are sold. We bought several items that appeared to fit us which did not appear too soiled.

We had delicious red beet eggs at the food court. That is where Mammy thought she spotted the Pottsville Domino Pizza delivery man in his uniform. He told her she was correct but that he would be our pilot for the flight to Allentown.

Heading to the boarding terminal we saw the sign “absolutely no liquids!” I opened my carry on, took out my Red Bull and finished it off. Mammy did the same with her maple syrup.
New security rules require that every passenger get either groped or x-rayed.

I selected the groping, while Mammy selected the full body X-ray.
To make this groping procedure more pleasurable, each passenger is allowed to select which security agent will grope you.

I removed my turban and selected a young perky female that reminded me of one of the girls at Spa 61. I am positive that it was the same girl just from the feel of her hands on my body. After about five minutes of groping she asked me to turn my head and cough. She then told me to quickly move along. I was relieved that I did not have a hernia but I asked if that she better make sure as hernias run in the Trout family. I even offered her ten dollars, but she refused.
Mammy opted for the full naked body X-ray as she hates to be touched. The device used was the old x-ray machine from Raring’s Shoe Store on South Centre Street in Pottsville. Due to its age I was unsure of its safety, but I was relieved when I saw a certificate of safety placed on it by the County Office of Weights and Measures.

Mammy had to lie down on the conveyor belt as she went by the machine. She was elated when she passed the X- ray test on her first try for which the attendant gave her a “good job!” sticker. I purchased a copy of her naked body X-ray at the nearby both as a souvenir. It cost only three dollars. I bought a few extra to send to friends and relatives.

We finally boarded our plane and took off, cruising at an altitude of about one hundred feet. Everyone on the plane went “ooooh” as we passed over the Henry Clay Monument heading to Reading. I forgot to tell you that it wasn’t a direct flight and we had a ninety minute lay over and change of planes in Reading. Thus, we were never able to finish the in-flight movie, Jackass 2. I don’t know how it concludes. Maybe I will catch the ending on the flight back.

what's next?

I have lectured for years on what I call “The Domino Theory.” I theorized that if one county came under the influence of home rule, then the surrounding counties would follow suit, discarding the county code. It was called the Domino Theory, not because of the pizza, but what I believe to be this falling domino principle.

Set up dominoes in a row, and then try knocking one over. What should happen is it that the others begin to fall, one after another. Try this experiment at work. Instead of wasting time on your computer or cell phone, bring an old fashioned domino game with you and place the pieces on the floor. Get your co-workers to join in the experiment.

Home rule already exists in several counties in Pennsylvania – Erie, Delaware, Lehigh, Lackawanna. Looking at the map of Pennsylvania, I decided to change the name of my theory from Domino to "The Twister Theory" since the state's home rule counties are not all contiguous. The name comes from the board game in which the players stretch all over a big plastic mat. Mammy and I actually met each other on a Twister plastic mat, so it has special meaning to me. Twister is a lot more fun than dominoes especially if you have the right partner.
Here is a good Youtube video to assist those of you not familar with the game: Twister.

The blasphemous evil, home rule, that began in other counties has now reached our northern border, with the voters recently passing the Home Rule referendum. Lehigh also borders us on the east and home rule is there also. We have double trouble.
Some locals may soon encourage the spread of this unholy doctrine here. As a fundamentalist (with emphasis on the first syllable) I believe that the County Code is something that must be respected and followed, and not discarded and replaced like a year-old telephone directory - remember that even old phone books may contain valuable unused money-saving coupons.

To combat this insidious influence that hovers around us, many suggestions have been proposed. Yes, it may be possible to set up refugee centers for shelter to those fleeing the approach of the menacing new government. Yes, we can beam radio and television programs into Luzerne County promoting the benefits of the three Commissioner form of government. Yes, we can circulate posters with the theme “Keep Calm and Carry On” to boost morale and relieve tensions within our county. Yes, we can commence an economic boycott and stop shopping in counties that have home rule. Shop locally, shop Renninger’s Market! Yes, we can also build an electric fence to protect our borders stretching from Ringtown to Andreas.

So many great ideas! So much time!
I know that I could never live under a governmental system that did not provide two elected ceremonial jury commissioners (one from each major party) and a variety of elected row officers. I would not want Mammy and our children, my children from my prior relationships, Mammy’s children from her prior relationships, and any other children I may have missed to live under such a system.

At this point in our 200 year old history I compare our plight to the plight of the ancient Israelites at the Macarana fortress and I am willing to make the same sacrifice that those defenders made to protect their way of life. I hope you feel the same as I do.

To those who think that I am exaggerating the evils of home rule, I say that it this only the first step down a slippery slope. Soon there will be an attempt to shrink the size of our state legislature and cut back on the legislative perks. After that will be an attempt to sell off the state store system. Maybe some smart-ass will even propose eliminating elected local tax collectors? Where will it end? The imposition of Sharia law? Why don't these people let well enough alone?

What's going on in Luzerne County?

Here is an interesting video supporting the home rule charter in neighboring Luzerne County in this year's election. We should be grateful that our local paper does not offer any coverage on this issue as it could give local people some subversive ideas. I salute the paper's silent treatment and blackout. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing.
This blog is being offered as a public service to the few readers that are interested in life beyond the borders of Schuylkill County and the dangers that could spread over the border.
However I must warn you that this video may shock you. But after watching it, we must all hope that the Luzerne rebellion will be crushed as it was crushed twice before. Our coal region status quo must continue for at least another thousand years. Now is the time for our citizenry to stand behind the County Commissioners of Luzerne County and others who are now under attack.
I personally plan to organize a brigade of volunteers to head up to Luzerne County and protect the offices of the elected row offices especially the jury commissioners...at least the office of the one jury commissioner presently not under indictment. Volunteer guards are also needed at the besieged juvenile detention center.
Mammy Trout has promised to make chow chow and send it up feed the volunteers who will ship out to Luzerne soon. She is only one woman and cannot do it alone. Grating cabbage is very tiring. She is calling on the women of Schuylkill County to help her. Besides the immediate need for chow chow, requests have come in from as far away as Shickshinny for city chicken and bleenies.
A Recruiting Station will be at the Schuylkill Mall (inside the former location of Spencer Gifts, at the counter where the battery operated whoopie cushions used to be displayed). Please stop by and volunteer. Monetary contributions are also welcomed.
I cannot stand by and watch our beloved county code be held up to ridicule any longer. Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their county (and neighboring county). We can once again reclaim the title as first defenders. Remember the words of former Luzerne County Commissioner Greg Skrepenak, "its not the fault of the system, you just need to elect good people." Mammy plans to send him a jar of chow chow while he is incarcerated at a West Viriginia federal prison.
If you cannot see video below, go to Luzerne County Rising