closing criteria

I was able to obtain a document which supposedly contains the criteria used by the Diocese in its decision to close certain parish churches. Whether it is authentic or not is up to you. I think it is a hoax.

Guidelines for determining whether parish church remains opened or should be closed

1. PHYSICAL APPEARANCE
A. Roof and structure in good condition. Five Points.
B. Pews graffiti-free and polished. Five Points.
C. Kneelers free of rips and tears. Two Points
D. Indoor restroom facilities clean and spotless. Five Points
E. Fresh Holy Water in font. Five Points
F. Energy Efficient Heating and Cooling System. Five Points
G. Off-street Parking for more than ten vehicles. Five Points
H. Confessional handicapped accessible. Five Points

I. American, Vatican,, and Ireland flags ironed and in clean condition. Fifty-five Points


2. PARISH MEMBERSHIP
A. Number of members has increased over the past ten years. Ten Points
B. Active Choir that sings in key most of the time. Five Points
C. Active Women’s Guild. Five Points
D. Active Holy Name Society. Five Points
E. A majority of members gave positive reviews to “Sister Act.” Five Points
F. A majority of members are Notre Dame Football fans. Twenty-five points
G. A majority of members keep both holy water and Jameson’s Whiskey in their homes. Twenty-five Points
H. Active Hibernian Society. Twenty-five Points
I. Active Women’s Auxiliary of Hibernian Society. Twenty Points
J. More than fifty per cent of members have surnames that end in letters I, O, Y, or Z. Minus Fifty Points

3. FINANCIAL
A. Parish treasury is in the black. Twenty Points
B. Bazaar or Picnic held every summer. Ten Points
C At least three gambling wheels at Bazaar. Ten Points
D. Fifty-fifty chances sold at every Bazaar. Ten Points
E. Bingo games held regularly. Ten Points
F. No delinquent electric, oil, coal or incense bills. Ten Points
G. Parish had sponsored a “Half-Way to St. Patrick’s Day” party in September. Eighty Points
H. Fish dinners served just for the halibut. Five Points

I. St. Patrick’s Day dinner held yearly. Eighty Points
J. Parish sponsored bus trip to see The Irish Tenors. Eighty Points

Consolidations, Closings and Mergers

The recent news concerning consolidations, mergers and closings in the area brought back tears and sad memories of similar events from the past. What I am talking about is the great theatre mergers of the 1970s.

I can remember when movie theatres were plentiful in the area. Orwigsburg had the Orpheum, Minersville had the Ritz, Pine Grove had its Adult Drive-In and Pottsville had The Capitol. It was in the early 1970’s that most theatres merged into one giant “United” at the Schuylkill Mall in Frackville. This was extremely controversial in the Pottsville area especially as The Capitol was a spectacular building and many of us did not want it torn down even though the Oasis Bar had an urgency for more parking spots for patrons.

I remember taking the current Mrs. Trout’s predecessor to the Capitol Theatre in 1970 to snuggle and watch “Love Story.” I remember hearing that dreadful announcement in the middle of the film, just when Oliver yelled out "I'm King of the World," that the theatre was closing and everyone had to leave. We were told that a roof cave-in would soon occur to assure that no one would sneak back in to watch the end of the film. Everyone was ordered to get on the bus destined for Frackville to view the rest of the film or just wait several years until the VCR is invented, when it could be watched in one’s own home. We pushed and shoved out of the Theatre that fateful evening but refused to get on that East Penn Bus. We were able to make a get-away, hidden by the thick exhaust emitted by the East Penn bus, and headed over to the Eagles Bar on Second Street to snuggle and drown our sorrows in some Yuengling.

We never did find out the ending of “Love Story” to this day.

I can never get over the loss of The Capitol. Trouts, for generations, went there for entertainment. It was the most gorgeous theatre in eastern Pennsylvania. I keep an old photograph of Grandpappy Trout at the Theatre attending the showing of “Birth of A Nation.” Look closely at the photograph; that’s Grandpappy wearing the white sheets walking down the ramp to the Orchestra floor. Here are other photos depicting the theatre’s marble crystal chandeliers. All of the opulence is gone now, and so is grandpappy. All I have left are these photographs and his old white sheets.

What was behind this consolidation thinking? Some blamed it on the shortage of theatre projectionists. “Not enough of them to service all of those theatres.” I am not sure if that was true. Mammy Trout says that maybe women should have been permitted to be projectionists. But no, the Hollywood moguls said that tradition dictated that all projectionists must be male, reminding those critics that Thomas Edison was a man - as were every succeeding projectionist. Women can sell tickets up front in the booth, and sell cotton candy and be usherettes, but they can never be projectionists, even at PG-13 movies.

Others blame demographics. There were not enough people in Schuylkill County who wanted to watch movies in a theatre anymore. I noticed this decline ever since “The Molly McGuires” movie left town, but local economists held that the decline in patronage was basically attributed to the competition from television’s popular shows such as Hee-Haw and Hogan’s Heroes which kept the citizenry glued to their sofas and bean bag chairs.
Decreasing revenues was another reason given. Concession stand profits were way down. If you recall, Orville Redenbacker had cornered the popcorn commodies, while at the same time the price of Jujube candy soared due to demand from Third World countries and Wilkes-Barre. The usual five pound box of Jujubes skyrocketed in Schuylkill County resulting in rationing by our commissioners.

Several held lawyers responsible. Yes, there were the lawsuits resulting in big payouts to all of those young movie goers, who decades later, came down with cataracts supposedly from wearing those Illusion-O ghostviewers handed out during the screenings of “The 13 Ghosts.” back in 1960.

A final argument for the consolidations was the high cost of maintaining the old buildings. A smaller box-like theatre in the Mall would be more economical to heat and air-condition than palaces such as The Capitol Theatre, which seated over 2700 persons (depending on each person’s girth). The Capitol was designed in an ornate Spanish Colonial style, due to its proximity to Jalappa, with elaborate art-deco plasterwork throughout. It was too much for one old cleaning lady to maintain anymore. But while cinder blocks are definitely easier to clean and maintain, it lacks any soul or personality. I still love that old Capitol Theatre. And Love means never having to say you’re sorry. I heard that corny line in some old movie I saw years ago.

I think it was The Titanic.

Courthouse bans smoking

May 31st is the anniversary of the Johnstown flood, a sad day in Pennsylvania’s history. This May 31st will be another sad day. It will be the day the last tobacco product is inhaled in the Schuylkill County Courthouse.

By edict of the County Commissioners, the legendary “Canteen,”the bistro located in the Courthouse basement, will no longer permit its patrons to light up. A rich chapter of tobacco usage will be closing.

Smoking had been a part of our county’s history. It was said that John Pott actually purchased the land the Courthouse sits on from the Lenni Lenape Indians for a carton of Camels, a box of Mootz peanut rolls, and a six-pack of Yuengling’s. After checking the old court manuscripts at the Historical Society, I discovered that smoking had been permitted everywhere in the Courthouse for decades. In fact it was once a job requirement; more important than say, punctuality or telephone manners. If an employee did not smoke, the likelihood of being fired increased.

There is something untrustworthy about “goody two-shoes” non-smokers.

To commemorate the unhappy occasion on May 31st, there will be a special celebration in the Courthouse with festivities beginning at 9 o’clock and continuing until closing time. For some it will take the form of dressing up as one’s favorite smoker – Marlene Dietrich, Humphrey Bogart, Bette Davis, Cheech, Mae West, Chong, Franklin Roosevelt, Popeye and Keith Richards, just to name a few. Some costumes will be more comical, Joe Camel, The Marlboro Man, Cruella De Vil, and "the Cigarette Smoking Man" from the old TV show, X-Files, will certainly be welcomed additions to bring some levity to the end of an era. I understand that several office clerks will be dressing up as “The Old Gold” dancing cigarette packs. It is this attitude of facing a crisis with a smile on one’s face that makes me proud of this County.

The row offices are not alone. While many of the row employees will wear smoking jackets and fezs, I was told that the court crier emeritus will don a bellhop uniform and “Call for Philip Morrr-issssssss!” one last time in Courtroom Number One at the stroke of four.

No, it will not just be another costume party in the Court House. There will be lots of games. Bets will be placed on who will win the ‘smoke ring’ contest. Then there is the “Who will be the employee to blow the most smoke rings with one breathe?” Your guess is as good as mine. Then there is the sophisticated “French inhale” competition scheduled for three o’clock. If you are not familiar with this European game, a contestant takes a good-sized drag from a cigarette, but instead of inhaling, the smoke is gently pushed up into the nostrils. It has been a ritual at the Courthouse since the Molly Maguire hangings. For those who want something less intense, I recommend both the “multiple cigarettes” smoking contest, as well as the “puffing and dragging” competition which pits title searchers against the Courthouse retirees.
Yes, the identity of the last person to puff away is being held confidential. You can compare it to the opening ceremony at the Schuylkill County Senior Olympics, when some top secret octogenarian gets to light the cauldron to the amazement of the crowds.

I will be there in the Canteen filled with the usual crowd, my eyes filled with tears that are held back in the sad revelry, knowing that the good times are coming to an end.

I have a guess as to who will get to savor the last puff before the Sheriff Department clears out the Canteen and hands out Black Jack chewing gum, as if that will pacify the mob. When the partying ends at 4:30 PM I will look through the thick cloud of smoke hovering over the Canteen, at the men and women holding onto their cigarette lighters, holders, ash trays, corn cob pipes, cigars, hookahs, and bongs knowing that once the last butt is stomped out, the courthouse employees may have cleaner lungs but they will also become more irritable, cranky, depressed and edgy, while gaining weight at an astounding rate.

A brave new world indeed.

Why we honor Henry Clay

Casinos have finally come to our state.

It is just too bad that Pottsville doesn’t get a piece of the action, as the city has a long love affair with gambling, legal and illegal.

We all have fond remembrance of lotteries, chances, and the slots of years ago. Does anyone remember that in the 1960s and 1970s the city’s downtown had several stores selling only a few items, generally one box of Corn Flakes and a few packs of Black Jack chewing gum? That marketing technique defied all rules of business investments. It was an example of pure micro-economics - more basic than a child’s lemonade stand. It turned my notion of “supply and demand” inside out. Any business built around a single box of Corn Flakes should fold in a matter of days, if not hours, especially if your employee did not yet have breakfast. However, these City stores were successful. What would Adam Smith, of laissez faire capitalism fame, say? Surely, Mr. Smith would be smart enough to figure out that gambling was the draw - not the merchandise. But it took me a few years to figure this out. Why, the box of Corn Flakes in the window was merely a front! Boy, was I duped! People wanted to place a bet, not buy stale Corn Flakes or Black Jack gum.
Historians believe that the local passion for gambling went much further back in time than the 1930s when Minersville Street was flourishing. In fact, the early Native American settlements near the Gordon Nagle Trail bear this out. When the Pottsville Soccer fields were built, uncovered remnants of primitive Leni Lenape high stakes bingo halls were found. The Lenapes did not call it “Bingo” back then, but rather “Mahantongo.” The game took much longer and it's popularity faded due to the difficulty of having the duplicate letters a and o on the playing card.

Then came the era of the Schuylkill Canal. I understand gambling proliferated up and down the River and the canal beds during the mid- 1800s. The riverboats offered its passengers elegant accommodations along with many amenities. By day or night there was always some card or roulette game going on in the Upper Deck Saloon or in the Paddlewheel Lounge. For the non-gamblers, the Canal boats offered the usual shore excursions to Port Clinton, dazzling nightlife, reggae bands and, of course, the midnight buffets.

But Pottsville now deserves a legit gambling house because our county seat is the only metropolis having a statue in honor the inventor of Poker. Yes, I am referring to the famous poker card game immortalized by Kenny Rogers in his dreadful song, “The Gambler.” Yes, Henry Clay invented the game of poker as he loved gambling. During the presidential election of 1832 a newspaper wrote that, “Henry Clay spends his days at the gaming tables and his nights in a brothel.” His gambling and drinking made him as famous as did his oratorical skills. Despite once reportedly losing sixty thousand dollars during one card game, most of the time Henry Clay was a winner. This is why Pottsville honors him.
Very few youngsters recognize the identity of the statue that overlooks the downtown. In fact, a majority of high school students recently surveyed assumed the statue to be a likeness of Clay Aiken, the American Idol runner-up. Unbelievable! Nearly all of the high school seniors referred to the statesman as “Henry Dice Clay” or “the Diceman.” What is going on in our schools today! I thought no child was going to be left behind.

Henry Clay was one sharp poker player; having adapted the card game from its European forerunner, Pochen. He is not the Andrew Clay Silverstein that told off color jokes and appeared in such films as The Adventures of Ford Fairlaine, which is now playing at the Majestic Theatre. And he is not the Clay that was beaten by Reuben Studdards on American Idol. He is the card shark “Henry Clay,” former Speaker of the House of Representatives.
Every time I drive on South Centre Street towards Henry Clay Park (the steepest park in the world) I look up and admire the man who is holding a royal flush in his right hand. So, the next time you drive downtown to buy Corn Flakes, take a closer look and see the royal flush for yourself. After that, write to the Governor and politely request a piece of the action for dear, old Pottsville, the city that honors the Inventor of Poker.