The Pottsville Republican broke the story recently of a plan to renovate the downtown landmark Thompson building into college apartments. While many resent the fact that the city is attempting to attract middle-class young people into our city, all plans deserve to be studied carefully. My secret source (actually a blabbermouth from the Eagles bar) revealed to me the "other plans" under consideration for this architectural wonder named after the late gonzo journalist Hunter S. Thompson . I will share them with you right now:
1. Thompson Parking Lot. With the successful transformation of the YMCA into a barren parking lot, many think a new lot at the southwest corner of Centre and Market Streets is the ideal next step to alleviate the critical lack of parking for Roma pizza devotees. The city health department recently cited alarming statistics involving the direct correlation between walking and pizza consumption. “It appears that pizza lovers do not like to walk. It is plain and simple, as well as pepperoni and simple, and extra cheese and simple,” the Pottsville Surgeon General announced. He continued his warning that “The city has a moral obligation to alleviate the suffering caused by the lack of parking near every pizzeria within the city limits. This lack of adequate parking forces people to walk several steps in order to pick up their pies. This is intolerable to a people who have lost the NFL championship in 1925 and have suffered ever since.”
1. Thompson Parking Lot. With the successful transformation of the YMCA into a barren parking lot, many think a new lot at the southwest corner of Centre and Market Streets is the ideal next step to alleviate the critical lack of parking for Roma pizza devotees. The city health department recently cited alarming statistics involving the direct correlation between walking and pizza consumption. “It appears that pizza lovers do not like to walk. It is plain and simple, as well as pepperoni and simple, and extra cheese and simple,” the Pottsville Surgeon General announced. He continued his warning that “The city has a moral obligation to alleviate the suffering caused by the lack of parking near every pizzeria within the city limits. This lack of adequate parking forces people to walk several steps in order to pick up their pies. This is intolerable to a people who have lost the NFL championship in 1925 and have suffered ever since.”
Proponents of this plan believe that if the Thompson building was razed for additional parking, the implosion would attract dozens to the downtown to watch. Furthermore it is believed that Roma would seriously consider painting another sidewalk on the perimeter of the new asphalt parking lot, mimicking the appearance of a real sidewalk and placating those whining citizens who think that the downtown should have sidewalks for pedestrians.
2. The Thompson Prison. With the rise of more activities becoming illegal, there is a pressing need for additional prison cells. The transformation of the Thompson building to the Thompson Prison makes good economic sense. The downtown would have a “captured audience” (no pun intended) to build upon. One main hurdle to overcome is the lack of exercise facilities for the prisoners, but it was determined that the inmates could easily use the nearby Green YMCA parking lot as a prison yard for workouts and exercise. Merchants were betting on the prisoners being allowed “good time” passes every Friday to coincide with their new marketing campaign aimed at criminals. However the merchants were warned by the police that illegal betting has never been tolerated within the city limits. Ironically they could end up being the first residents at the new state of the art Thompson High Rise Prison. Opponents argue that prisoners should not be coddled. Those in favor, however, state that while every cell would contain its own mini-bar and plasma tv, and even though a rooftop tennis court and swimming pool will added, these are necessary to attract a higher caliber of prisoner; absolutely no coddling will be permitted on the premises. If this plan takes off, then Pottsville could eventually rival Allenwood as the choice location for the discriminating, sophisticated convict.
2. The Thompson Prison. With the rise of more activities becoming illegal, there is a pressing need for additional prison cells. The transformation of the Thompson building to the Thompson Prison makes good economic sense. The downtown would have a “captured audience” (no pun intended) to build upon. One main hurdle to overcome is the lack of exercise facilities for the prisoners, but it was determined that the inmates could easily use the nearby Green YMCA parking lot as a prison yard for workouts and exercise. Merchants were betting on the prisoners being allowed “good time” passes every Friday to coincide with their new marketing campaign aimed at criminals. However the merchants were warned by the police that illegal betting has never been tolerated within the city limits. Ironically they could end up being the first residents at the new state of the art Thompson High Rise Prison. Opponents argue that prisoners should not be coddled. Those in favor, however, state that while every cell would contain its own mini-bar and plasma tv, and even though a rooftop tennis court and swimming pool will added, these are necessary to attract a higher caliber of prisoner; absolutely no coddling will be permitted on the premises. If this plan takes off, then Pottsville could eventually rival Allenwood as the choice location for the discriminating, sophisticated convict.
Incidentally, the top floor of the Thompson Prison is an ideal location for conjugal visits. I should know as Mammy and I are members of the legendary Thompson Building Mile High Club :).
3. Thompson Homeless Shelter. The cold-hearted city zoning board recently nixed the idea of transforming Mahantongo Street into a Homeless District, an idea that most Pottsvillians enthusiastically supported. Proponents such as me argued that a Homeless District would have given Pottsville a more 1970s New Yorkish, Bowery-type appearance which hopefully would have attracted the down and out from across the country, increasing the city's declining population and increasing employment for social and mental health workers.
3. Thompson Homeless Shelter. The cold-hearted city zoning board recently nixed the idea of transforming Mahantongo Street into a Homeless District, an idea that most Pottsvillians enthusiastically supported. Proponents such as me argued that a Homeless District would have given Pottsville a more 1970s New Yorkish, Bowery-type appearance which hopefully would have attracted the down and out from across the country, increasing the city's declining population and increasing employment for social and mental health workers.
“Right now Pottsville is losing many of its toothless drifters to warmer climates! We have to stop this steady out-migration,” one leading proponent fervently argued, “Although Pottsville leads the county in low income housing and shelters, we should not rest until every house in the city can be classified as low income subsidized housing. We don't want to become another Orwigsburg.”
4. The Thompson American Way Fair Museum. Since the first American Way (a/k/a “May Fair”) was held in 1976 to commemorate the anniversary of something or other, Pottsville City Hall has been flooded with discarded fair memorabilia. Proponents of this plan argue that the American Way Fair is “our generation’s history” and it is being ignored. For instance, the average child today is totally unaware that the idea of fiberglass insulation first came about when some American Way cotton candy fell against the wall of Kep’s corner store.
4. The Thompson American Way Fair Museum. Since the first American Way (a/k/a “May Fair”) was held in 1976 to commemorate the anniversary of something or other, Pottsville City Hall has been flooded with discarded fair memorabilia. Proponents of this plan argue that the American Way Fair is “our generation’s history” and it is being ignored. For instance, the average child today is totally unaware that the idea of fiberglass insulation first came about when some American Way cotton candy fell against the wall of Kep’s corner store.
The next time you go to city hall, ask to look around the basement, but be prepared to cry. It will break your heart to see the voluminous buckets of funnel cake mix, fading photographs of mullet-haired, bare-chested revelers, and crumpled amusement ride ticket stubs all piled up, just waiting for a real home. The Thompson Building may be just the right size to exhibit the artifacts that are now just gathering dust within the bowels of city hall. Such a museum could rival the riveting Mummers' Museum in Philadelphia.
1 comment:
Section 1. Thompson Parking Lot was the best part of this article.
It appears that pizza lovers do not like to walk. It is plain and simple, as well as pepperoni and simple, and extra cheese and simple,” the Pottsville Surgeon General announced.
HAH!
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