Intelligent Design

Well I'll be a monkey's uncle. February 12th is Charles Darwin's birthday.



What did you think of the Dover School District “Intelligent Design” trial where the plaintiffs argued that the teaching of “intelligent design” is nothing more than biblical teaching of creationism camouflaged in scientific language? The defendants had argued that “intelligent design” means there is some greater power at work and that Darwin’s theory is inadequate to account for the sheer complexity of living things.
The judge was given this Solomon’s task of deciding whether or not there was scientific proof of God’s existence, and if so, deciding whether or not God should be permitted to enter a biology class of a public school. He was also to determine whether the Hail Mary Pass could be used as a football play on public fields.
The trial got off to a rocky start when the plaintiffs demanded to be sworn in by raising their right hands on a copy of “Popular Science” magazine rather than the customary bible that so many witnesses have lied on…I mean relied on…. in the past.
As I said, the plaintiffs’ case was based on the premise that there is absolutely no scientific evidence that there is anything intelligent about the universe whatsoever, and that we owe our existence, not to God, but to the random mutations that have occurred since the “big bang” went off accidentally. While the judge did not permit any reference to either Fred or Wilma Flintstone, he did permit much evidence that was related to Schuylkill County. I will review these facts with you now.
The county connections can be found by perusing the thousands of exhibits introduced at the trial. For instance, the videotape introduced as Plaintiff’s Exhibit #101 captioned “Renninger’s Market on a Sunday afternoon” was more than convincing that intelligent design couldn’t be true. After watching this four hour tape, I was persuaded that no higher being would take credit for what was seen on that tape. Certainly the deity would take the Fifth Amendment if asked. If you don’t believe me then just head south on Route 61 any Sunday afternoon, roam around for a while and observe. While your there, pick up a dozen donuts, some tee shirts, old tools and assorted vegetables.

Days later the plaintiffs called Pottsville’s own Billie Payne as a hostile witness and had her identify photographs entitled “Pottsville May Fair.” A large gasp was heard in the courtroom when these pictures were enlarged for everyone in the courtroom to see. Was a picture of the Pottsville street festival depicting one obese shirtless man eating funnel cake compelling proof of the “random mutation” theory?
The plaintiffs introduced an old Bavarian beer bottle as Exhibit #421 and then introduced a Yuengling beer can as Exhibit #422. These exhibits presented a simple example of the progress made by beer containers over the years. The clumsy glass bottle was hard to open, heavy to hold and was to be returned to the distributor for a deposit refund. The new beer can was easy to open, light to hold and easily discarded along the highway after consumption. This was proof of the theory of evolution.
The same logic was used when an old Pottsville High Yearbook was introduced featuring the majorettes and cheerleaders of the 1930s and then compared with the 21st century Yearbooks. Certainly the contrast of majorettes and cheerleaders over the years proved the case for evolution – it was without a doubt that girls were getting hotter and better looking over time. “Which ones would you want to go out with?” asked the fiery attorney to the witness. While there was certainly no doubt as to the correct answer, the learned judge sustained an objection and the witness did not have to answer (to the relief of his wife sitting in the second row).
Dozens of witnesses testified for the plaintiffs. On cross-examination, they all admitted that it had been utter chaos to travel through Pottsville while the sewer lines were being replaced. The defense argued that the city streets during the project was an admission of a “living hell” and therefore of an afterlife.
Very puzzling indeed, but the plaintiffs were slowly building a case that there was clear and convincing evidence that there is no deity, or if there is a deity, he is playing one hell of a joke on all of us, especially those of us who drove through Pottsville during the sewer line project.

This former altar boy was left completely baffled and bewildered. What if there was no purpose to life? What if it is all a cosmic accident? What if coaches were actually forbidden to allow a Hail Mary Pass during the final seconds of a football game?
The defense’s case crumbled. The court ruled that no intelligent design could be behind either the Pottsville May Fair, Hegins Pigeon Shoot, or the Pierogie Bowl. Intelligent Design could not be taught in the biology class, but the Hail Mary Pass could remain on the football field.
Did this mean that God did not exist? Not really. I thought of the words of the world’s most revered scientist, Albert Einstein … “The most beautiful and most profound experience is the sensation of the mystical. It is the sower of all true science… Science without religion is lame. Religion without science is blind.”
I now felt at peace and turned on the Jerry Springer Show to watch random mutation in action.