Originally published after the Danish Cartoon riots of 2006 . I have more respect for the Danish now.
I am following the story of the cartoon riots sweeping the world, apparently the biggest craze since the witchcraft trials of the seventeenth century. Isn’t it refreshing to watch grown men act like rabid animals over something so inane as cartoon? This commotion certainly brought back fond memories of the infamous Cartoon Riot that occurred in Garfield Square during the mid-twentieth century. I am sure you all remember the massive demonstrations, the beheadings, the bombings, and other acts of random mayhem that occurred when the cartoon characters started to outnumber the local residents in Garfield Square during the “Christmas Season.” For those not familiar with the Christmas Season, it is the period of time commencing on Black Friday (the day after Thanksgiving) and ending on January 8th, the Feast of the King, or Elvis’ Birthday. Many still think of Christmas as a solemn time honoring the humble birth of Jesus Christ, and for that reason the idea of the Square, located in the heart of Pottsville, approximately one hour drive from Bethlehem and Nazareth, being overrun by The Tasmanian Devil, Broom Hilda, and Mandrake the Magician was blasphemous, leading to the massive civil unrest.
You may ask ‘Why Garfield Square?’ Why ‘cartoons?’ The answer is quite obvious. The Square was named after a fat, lazy, cynical orange cartoon cat who loves lasagna, coffee, and his remote control. There was not a better place to honor other famous cartoon characters. However this idea backfired.
The Square was not always Garfield Square; for a long time it was “Market Square.” The change in names was instigated by events occurring to our north. Apparently the city officials of Mauch Chunk in Carbon County decided to fix up its historical district and then rename the city “Jim Thorpe” in honor of the famed athlete whose corpse they purchased; enabling the city to cash in on the tourist dollars. Envious Pottsville City officials decided to follow suit. It was unanimously decided that it was not a good investment to preserve Pottsville’s unique architecture as the city of Jim Thorpe did. Therefore, all of Pottsville’s old buildings were re-classified as ‘pre-parking lots’ and left to decay until someone needed a place to park a car, at which time HARB would issue a demolition permit. All demolition permits needed HARB stamp of approval and the permits were given out like candy in the Lions Halloween Parade.
The idea of renaming a part of the city in honor of a national figure, rather than a local politician, was agreed to only after several weeks of cantankerous debate. City Scouts were quickly dispatched with shovels in hand into the hinterlands to seek out a cadaver of a famous individual to be re-interned at the Square, but they all came back empty handed. There were no celebrity corpses for sale anymore; apparently Mauch Chunk had purchased the last one available. A debate then raged over the renaming the Square after a well-known living individual. This was revolutionary, as in the history of Pottsville, all its buildings and streets were named only after local politicians. To rename the Square after a living nationally known figure was quite bold and daring. Pottsville was never noted for its boldness, so a compromise was reached. Grade school children will remember this from their American History as “The Great Compromise.” The Square would be renamed after a well known animated figure rather a living person. While many animated felines were suggested- Sylvester, Felix, and Cheshire, to name just a few – the council decided on “Garfield” the lovable self-centered couch potato, as he projected just the right image that the city desired to capture. During a beautiful and touching ceremony Market Square was renamed “Garfield Square,” with hundreds of well-wishers packing the streets, and even John F. Kennedy stopping by to see what was happening.
Word quickly spread throughout the nation that the famous feline was being honored in Pottsville and soon the city Square became a hang-out for many old time cartoon characters; a sort of Sunset Strip or Times Square for animated has-beens. One could drive by at any time of day or night and be pestered by Snuffy Smith and Mary Worth with squeegee in hand; propositioned by Wonder Woman, Mammy Youcum and Brenda Starr; intimidated by the sight of Alley Oop, Joe Palooka and the Katzenjammer Kids walking side-by-side as they glared at you; panhandled for loose change by Whimpy and Linus; and saddened by the seeing Orphan Annie, Charlie Brown, Nancy and Sluggo, now disheveled and homeless runaways left to fend for themselves in the heart of the anthracite coal region. The number of cartoon characters wandering Market Street soon created animosity within the community bringing tempers to the breaking point.
As religion is often a good excuse to be cruel to others, violence erupted to clear the infidel cartoons from the Square once and for all. Blasphemy would be punished and soon feathers began to fly after the local crowd ripped Huey, Dewey, Louie, Tweetie and Daffy to shreds in the name of the Almighty. It did not take long for the Square to be cleared of the cartoons once and for all and the Cartoon Riot of Pottsville soon faded into history. The Pottsville Minister of Propaganda quickly redid the history books; soon it was taught that Garfield Square was named after a former U.S. President who regularly ate hamburgers at the nearby Diner while reading the funny papers.
You may ask ‘Why Garfield Square?’ Why ‘cartoons?’ The answer is quite obvious. The Square was named after a fat, lazy, cynical orange cartoon cat who loves lasagna, coffee, and his remote control. There was not a better place to honor other famous cartoon characters. However this idea backfired.
The Square was not always Garfield Square; for a long time it was “Market Square.” The change in names was instigated by events occurring to our north. Apparently the city officials of Mauch Chunk in Carbon County decided to fix up its historical district and then rename the city “Jim Thorpe” in honor of the famed athlete whose corpse they purchased; enabling the city to cash in on the tourist dollars. Envious Pottsville City officials decided to follow suit. It was unanimously decided that it was not a good investment to preserve Pottsville’s unique architecture as the city of Jim Thorpe did. Therefore, all of Pottsville’s old buildings were re-classified as ‘pre-parking lots’ and left to decay until someone needed a place to park a car, at which time HARB would issue a demolition permit. All demolition permits needed HARB stamp of approval and the permits were given out like candy in the Lions Halloween Parade.
The idea of renaming a part of the city in honor of a national figure, rather than a local politician, was agreed to only after several weeks of cantankerous debate. City Scouts were quickly dispatched with shovels in hand into the hinterlands to seek out a cadaver of a famous individual to be re-interned at the Square, but they all came back empty handed. There were no celebrity corpses for sale anymore; apparently Mauch Chunk had purchased the last one available. A debate then raged over the renaming the Square after a well-known living individual. This was revolutionary, as in the history of Pottsville, all its buildings and streets were named only after local politicians. To rename the Square after a living nationally known figure was quite bold and daring. Pottsville was never noted for its boldness, so a compromise was reached. Grade school children will remember this from their American History as “The Great Compromise.” The Square would be renamed after a well known animated figure rather a living person. While many animated felines were suggested- Sylvester, Felix, and Cheshire, to name just a few – the council decided on “Garfield” the lovable self-centered couch potato, as he projected just the right image that the city desired to capture. During a beautiful and touching ceremony Market Square was renamed “Garfield Square,” with hundreds of well-wishers packing the streets, and even John F. Kennedy stopping by to see what was happening.
Word quickly spread throughout the nation that the famous feline was being honored in Pottsville and soon the city Square became a hang-out for many old time cartoon characters; a sort of Sunset Strip or Times Square for animated has-beens. One could drive by at any time of day or night and be pestered by Snuffy Smith and Mary Worth with squeegee in hand; propositioned by Wonder Woman, Mammy Youcum and Brenda Starr; intimidated by the sight of Alley Oop, Joe Palooka and the Katzenjammer Kids walking side-by-side as they glared at you; panhandled for loose change by Whimpy and Linus; and saddened by the seeing Orphan Annie, Charlie Brown, Nancy and Sluggo, now disheveled and homeless runaways left to fend for themselves in the heart of the anthracite coal region. The number of cartoon characters wandering Market Street soon created animosity within the community bringing tempers to the breaking point.
As religion is often a good excuse to be cruel to others, violence erupted to clear the infidel cartoons from the Square once and for all. Blasphemy would be punished and soon feathers began to fly after the local crowd ripped Huey, Dewey, Louie, Tweetie and Daffy to shreds in the name of the Almighty. It did not take long for the Square to be cleared of the cartoons once and for all and the Cartoon Riot of Pottsville soon faded into history. The Pottsville Minister of Propaganda quickly redid the history books; soon it was taught that Garfield Square was named after a former U.S. President who regularly ate hamburgers at the nearby Diner while reading the funny papers.
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