With the financial crunch being felt by the City of Pottsville, I think it is time for an overhaul of the nuisance taxes. Currently we have two major nuisance taxes: The occupation privilege and the per capita taxes.
I would replace both with a weight tax. Obesity is now a major health concern nationally. Pottsville is not immune from this scourge. The Warne Clinic has disclosed some revealing statistics concerning the average Pottsvillian. For instance, a large segment of the populace has blood/gravy readings of .10 or over. That is alarming. Also the average Pottsvillian will eat his or her weight in Mootz’ peanut rolls, and within five years. This is appalling. If this trend continues, the peanut will become extinct. The prestigious scientific report goes on to reveal that 15% of the residents have buttocks the size of the Route 61 Indian head. This may be unbelievable to you, but not to me. Remember that statistics do not lie. That is why my weight tax would hopefully reverse this trend. While there have been some encouraging developments, things are slowly getting worse. Yes, consumption of Crisco as a snack food has decreased significantly but this is not enough.
Sadly, at the Middle School, more children are able to identify General Tso than General George Joulwan. Apparently Chinese chicken means more to them than local home town pride. This should not be. The Joint Veterans Council should tackle this problem immediately. Incidentally, the initials “H.H.” in the Lengel school name do not stand for “Hamburger Helper.” It is sad that these kids can identify the Pillsbury Doughboy over world leaders such as North Korean Kim Jong-Il. What is wrong? I thought no child was going to be left behind. The problem is not confined to the school building. The main, after-school recreation for our youngsters appears to be re-winding their videotapes. This is not enough. It wasn’t always this way. Years ago Pottsville was filled with energetic skateboarders and cyclists. However due to complaints from people carrying their take-out pizzas, skateboarding and bicycling have been banned throughout the city to avoid the pepperonis from falling off the pie. This could be easily remedied by adding extra cheese. Even at the pre-school age level, it is not right that the library’s reading hour features ‘children’s menus’ rather than Doctor Seuss. What signals are we sending to these plump little children? The warning signs do not stop there. For instance, the local accountants have also complained that many residents are getting away with claiming two exemptions for having double chins. The last straw, I believe, is that there appears to be a clamoring for our churches to develop “supersize” communion wafers. Where do we draw the line? When do we say enough is enough?
That is why my weight tax would serve a duel purpose. With the nuisance tax being directly linked to one’s body mass, more people would try to slim down - at least at tax time. Simultaneously, the city’s coffers would be burst like Roseann Barr getting into a pair of jeans. The city would awash with the extra revenue that these extra pounds would generate.
Of course, there would be kinks in my new tax program that would need to be worked out. First of all, we could not allow individuals to list their weight. Why? Because people lie. That is why we have locally elected assessors. Did you ever go into the polling booth and look at the ballot and see the office, “assessor,” and wonder what the hell these people assess? With my new tax, you will finally get an answer. They will be able to get up off their behinds to assess behinds. To get things done properly, the city will have to invest in a new scale. The present one that gives your weight along with a fortune for only a nickel is outdated.
Secondly, the appraising would have to be done at a public area to avoid any false accusations against the assessors. A good location would be Martz Hall. I would not use ordinary bathroom scales. No, the scales that I envision would project the weight figure high up on the wall, similar to a bowling score, for everyone to see. The City treasurer’s office would then mark down all of the results. If the assessor guessed the weight correctly, the citizen would win a small prize, such as a stuffed animal. This would encourage compliance as most people enjoy winning things. The animals could be stuffed with breadcrumbs or candy to get compliance up to near 100%. The amount of tax that you would pay would be determined on how much overweight you were. It is that simple. It is that fair. Taxes do not have to be complicated if you simply use common sense. Excuse me. I have stop now, I just had a Big Mac attack.
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