Pottsville Invasion of the Body Snatchers (2008)

It's Halloween. Time for a scary story.... When those canisters started appearing in front of Pottsville's buildings after the massive rainwater collection project was completed in 2006, I had a dream that they were part of an alien invasion. Maybe watching "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" 1,ooo times may have had something to do with it. In my dream I was asked to write a review of a movie. My dream came with one intermission for popcorn at 3 A.M.
On the top is a photo of what I am talking about. You see them along Mahantongo St. and the west side.



Look! You fools! You’re in danger! Can’t you see? They’re after you! They’re after all of us! Our wives…our children…they’re here already! You’re next! — Miles Bennett, downtown Pottsville merchant


POTTSVILLE INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS (2008)

On the heels of already three remakes of the original 1956 Invasion of the Body Snatchers, a fourth sequel will be released on January 1st, premiering at the Sovereign Majestic Theatre. I was given a sneak preview and asked to write a review. I promised to release my review a few days prior to the release but little did the producer know that I don’t keep promises. Never have and never will. So here it goes….

I hope you are in the mood for one of the best in science fiction as this is it. The plot follows the original, but with twists. In this version, a local pawn shop owner begins to notice that the local Pottsville citizenry “don’t seem to be themselves lately.” The may look the same, but they are cold and indifferent.

“I'd hate to wake up some morning and find out that you weren't you”

The owner decides to check things out for himself. He walks to the corner of Centre and Mahantongo Streets and patiently waits for the "Walk" signal, while waiting he stares at the fountain next to Dr. Akbar's office wondering if it is really a fountain or just a leaky wall. Five minutes later he runs up Mahantongo Street, discovering that aliens from another world are indeed taking over the city. Emissaries from a distant planet have sent small green and white canisters to be planted in front of buildings and houses. These canisters emit some alien spores that eventually become larger pods that take over the physical likeness of each and every household member. Yes, from these canisters the townspeople are being replaced, one by one - perfect physical duplicates that dispose of their human victims, presumably by placing them out on the sidewalk on the correct garbage pickup day (careful not to violate the five bag limit).

Yes, the space aliens may look just like Pottsvillians but they possess no human emotions. No love, no hate. Why, they are even indifferent to whether or not the Maroons get the 1925 football title back or whether or not the city enforces the building code ordinances They are concerned with only taking over the planet. What better place do it than in Pottsville, the confirmed center of the universe as determined by the curator at the local planetarium.

“At first glance, everything looked the same. It wasn't.... Something evil had taken possession of the town.”

Needless to say, it’s always been hard to tell who is a Pottsvillian and who is a space alien, but in this film the alien population grows so rapidly. Their presence is quite noticeable; the sinister canisters are quite visible to the observant such as me. But most citizens are too busy simultaneously driving and texting sub and pizza orders to Charlie's on their cell phones, unaware of the ever-growing menace. Their craving for fastfood make it so much easier for the aliens.

“ I'm telling you something is going on here.”

The theme of this brilliant, terrifying motion picture is open to various interpretations, including the paranoia surrounding frightening ideologies such as Charlie McCarthyism, or Groucho Marxism. However, someone at the Eagles Bar told me that the canisters have something to do with the massive city sewer project, and that there is absolutely no symbolism in the film. While I say "Hogwash" to any connection with the sewer project I do agree with the barfly that the film is not symbolic. To me the film is a true documentary of the heroic struggle to combat this deadly threat of space invasion, a space invasion that City Hall, the Pottsville High School Planetarium and the Sewer Authority have ignored ever since the Rosewell cover-up.

Finally, I promised the producer not to tell how the movie ends, so here it goes:
The movie ends with climatic shots of the pawn shop owner running down Centre Street futilely trying to warn motorists that “They are here already! Look at the canisters placed in front of the houses and buildings! You’re next!” But the Jeeps and SUVs travel by on their way to Wing Night at the Stadium Bar, with every driver and passenger ignoring him as if he was nothing but another befuddled downtown street person waiting for the Walk sign.

“ Operator, Get me Chief Murton! Sound an all points alarm. Block all highways, stop all traffic, and call every law enforcement agency in the county. Yes, call the bouncers at the Tap! Call the Pinkerton Agents! Call the ruler-toting nuns from atop the Hill! It's an emergency! Those canisters are from outer space! Take a look in front of your own house right now! ...You' re next!!!”

Two thumbs WAY up!

We want the Maroon's championship back - NOW!

(left) The “Mona Lisa” of football memorabilia, an almost mint condition rare Maroons' pitchie card. Estimated value is $2.5 million. It is kept in the steel, concrete and granite vault fifty feet below City Hall and guarded around the clock by Pinkerton Agents, alligators and ruler-toting nuns. This particular pitchie card displays quarterback, "Jalappa Joe" Flannagan, when the 1923 Pottsville team was a member of the American Rooftop Football League. When the league collapsed in 1924. "Jalappa Joe" died in that collapse. His remains were interned at Pic A Pac Park, South Centre Street, where a concrete monument was erected in his memory. He is considered the "lost Maroon," and his name is a frequent answer on the popular TV quiz show "Jeopardy" under the category "Hodge Podge." This pitchie card is one of two featuring "Jalappa Joe" Flanagan still in existence. The other one is at the Vatican. It is scheduled to be displayed the week of October 8th, 2007 during Pottsville's Maroon Week festivities.





I was hoping that Pottsville Maroons would have reclaimed its 1925 NFL championship by now. I still have Grandpappy Trout’s crumpled, old Maroon wager slips placed high away in the drawer; never giving up faith that someday I would receive the pay-off that Pappy should have received. Pappy had an uncanny ability to pick sports winners and, with the championship restored, he too would be posthumously vindicated, as the compounded interest earned on those winning slips would be greater than what I would get with my lousy daily number tickets.
In 1925, we thought the Chicago game clinched the title for our Maroons. Did you know that about 1,000 fans packed the Hippodrome to get a running account of the game from a ham radio operator while live actors recreated the event on the stage, play by play? They did this, as television hadn’t been invented yet. Yes, there was actually a time without television. No “Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” no “Jerry Springer Show,” no “Deal or No Deal.” It was a very bleak time indeed.
Fans greeted the team when they arrived back at the train station the day after the big game. As Prohibition was the law of the land, and even fermented Gatorade was illegal, the festivities were rather subdued. Everyone held up a cone of Yuengling ice cream and made a celebratory toast while the Third Brigade Band played a rousing musical tribute to fallen Maroon, "Jalappa Joe" Flannigan. That was about it. There was no looting downtown; no one ran off with stolen phonographs, toasters, vacuum cleaners or iceboxes. In effect, it was very dull.
If the trophy was given back to Pottsville, then things would be a lot different now. For starters, Pottsville would go absolutely bananas. Just imagine Cruise Night, Winter Carnival, Disability Check Day and the Spelling Bee all rolled up into one! That's how it would be.
I am sure that the first priority would be for Mayor Reiley to receive the long awaited congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States. In fact, I was told that a special crank handle telephone was installed in 1925 just to receive that important call; that same phone is still in the Mayor’s office just collecting dust as it sits on top of the building code ordinances. Unfortunately, the President making the call would not be silent Calvin Coolidge, but George W. Bush. Maybe "D.W." could ask “W.” how Chaney enjoyed his visit to Pottsville back in 2004 and if he plans to come back soon.
I am sure that the last surviving Maroon cheerleader will be carefully flown by medivac helicopter from Mazucca's landing pad to King’s Plaza for the biggest victory party this area will ever experience. Hopefully the excitement will not be too much for her, as she is dressed in a flapper outfit, giving one last inspiring Maroons cheer for “her boys.”

King’s Plaza is the shopping mall outside of Minersville and it was the Maroons’ playing field for those of you ignorant of the team’s glorious history. Palermo’s Restaurant is located on the 50-yard line, but back in 1925 pizza hadn’t been brought to America yet. The football fans at that time dined mainly on pork and sauerkraut. They also swallowed live goldfish. In any event, the Maroons never played in Pottsville, just as the New York Giants don’t play in New York.

I was so sure that the Maroons was going to get their title back that I invested heavily in Maroon bobbleheads, shower curtains, aprons and blankets. My living room is now filled with boxes of Frank Racis, Barney Wentz, and Charley Berry bobbleheads. If any of you have any resemblance to any of these players then please contact me and we can work out a deal.
You do know that the NFL a few years ago blocked Pottsville’s attempted field goal by voting 30-2 against reinstating the 1925 championship? I think the two teams that voted for Pottsville were The Providence Steam Roller and the Canton Bulldogs. That stinks.
Is it all over for us? How can we hold our heads up high again? Why even Pottsie Ottsie, the Maroons’ mascot, has been the subject of vicious attacks; more vicious than those inflicted upon the Milwaukee Brewer’s Italian Sausage Mascot several summers ago. This must stop! We must reclaim our dignity, title or not. Having the Maroons' Week in the city is a good thing but won't get the trophy back. Hunger strikes have been suggested as a peaceful approach. A few brave souls are even willing to forego nacho cheese and beer bologna until our demands our met. Other suggested a more militant strategy including guerrilla tactics. Rumor has it that Gombar’s Costume Shop in St. Clair cannot keep up with the demand for guerrilla costumes. Other militants plan to paint their bellies maroon and keep them that way until the crown is returned. Huge demonstrations are being planned at Henry Clay Park and with large “UP YOURS, NFL!” banner to be placed in Henry’s hand for all passing motorists to see.
I sure just hope things don’t get ugly around here. To avoid violence we must keep our demands simple and limited to three:

the title is to be immediately returned with an apology.

the NFL must buy up all my bobbleheads.

Grandpappy’s wager slips must be honored with compounded interest of course.

Maroon fans, are you with us or against us?

Schuylkill Living's "Best Wedding Location"

Again, I think another hoax has been foisted upon me. I do not think this ever appeared in Schuylkill Living Magazine. I do not believe a word of it. Do you?

SCHUYLKILL LIVING MAGAZINE has Pic A Pac Park voted the favorite location for wedding ceremonies in the County


"Pic A Parc Park – the most breathtaking spot in the Pottsville historic district - is home to the city’s only botanical garden, making it the ideal setting for ceremonies of any size. Whether it is a close and intimate gathering or a grand and lavish affair, a wedding at the Park is sure to set the scene for romance and create timeless memories," so say the readers of Schuylkill Living Magazine. Yes, a wedding among the Park’s lush vegetation looks as if it is part of dream. Luckily you wake up and it is over.

Imagine your own private garden celebration underneath the city stars! Pic A Pac Park provides the perfect backdrop for the wedding or civil union celebration you’ve always dreamed about. The abundant manicured landscapes and winding pathways of the Park make a celebration truly unforgettable to say the least.

Pic A Pac Park has been called “the hidden jewel” located in the heart of Pottsville historic district. It sits on a small parcel of ground of serene rock and flourishing landscapes, cradled among Victorian era structures in ruinous conditions, catching the eye of every person entering the city from the south. It is a place of magnificence with undoubtedly one of the finest collections of indigenous vegetation to be found anywhere in the downtown business district, all breathtaking when in full bloom, especially to those with allergies. Kleenex, however, is available across the street at the Pic A Deli.

For a romantic journey back to the era of Victorian elegance, Pic A Pac Park in southeast Pottsville is a place where time seems to stand still. Some saying it brings to mind Dresden after the War or Atlanta after Sherman marched through. In any event, a wedding or civil union ceremony will have all of the guests in jaw dropping awe.

Everyone wants their wedding or civil union to be remarkable. This is a milestone that marks the end of one journey and the beginning of another until something better comes along of course. Whether you have met your soulmate in a bar room or internet chat room, Pottsville has it all. Many people refer to Pic A Pac as a “Storybook Destination” because of its urban chic character and the history found everywhere. This is why the little hide-away has been distinguished as among the “Best of Schuylkill” by readers of Schuylkill Living Magazine for a tranquil and romantic wedding venue guaranteeing elegance, distinction and sophistication.

Some additional information you need to know if you are interested in reserving the park:

Bookings are accepted on a first-come first-served basis. American Way Fair and Cruise Week are very popular seasons, so plan early.

Only one ceremony is permitted on Saturday and one on Sunday at 9 a.m. Ceremony must be completed by 10 a.m., when the grounds open to the public. No exceptions.

Fee: $350 for up to 50 people. Fee is cash only and is nonrefundable. Ceremony is held rain or shine. No indoor bathroom facility available. Be creative.

Ceremonies are all stand-up. No chairs, tables, decorations, balloons, rice, or birdseed, rabbit pellets or losing lottery tickets.

For those having trouble standing, sitting on the cement blocks is acceptable.

Boom-bas music, as well as Irish drinking songs, are available at an additional expense.

For information on wedding or civil union ceremonies, please call The City Hall Garage.

cybersquatting

I have been reading about cybersquatting. That was a new word for me. It sounds like one of those words created by the merger of two words. Many years ago when I was trying out for the Spelling Bee, a word such as that did not yet exist. Back then, the new merged words were mcmuffin, funkadelic and reintarnation. The latter word is defined as "being reborn, after death, as a hillbilly." I had trouble with that one. Because of that one word I never made the final Spelling Bee cut.
“Cybersquatting” sounds to me as a form of exercise that would hurt one’s quadriceps, glutes, hamstrings and calves. It also sounds hi-tech, as if one was performing the exercise with a laptop, trying to check email and instant messages or engaging in on-line gambling at the same time. Years ago I heard of the “dumbbell squat,” so why not a “cybersquat?”
I had forgotten most basic exercises after developing carpal tunnel syndrome from my long, repetitive use of the television remote control. As my arm is better thanks to good chiropractic care, I quickly went up to the Patrick J. McGeever Health & Fitness Center in a tucked-away section of Pottsville to get the lowdown on squats. Did you know that Pottsville has a habit of naming practically everything after local politicians? Pat, a fine person, was the former head of the Democratic Party, and I guess politics has something to do with health and fitness. Politics is certainly considered a sport in Schuylkill County, less popular than football or pigeon shooting, but far more popular than Canasta or midget wrestling.
The Center is very nice and I highly recommend it. But first you have to be good on directions or else you may end up driving for hours; too exhausted to perform any exercises once you arrive. But if you are fatigued, feel free to lay down on the trampoline. There is a chance you could become lost for days, so I recommend purchasing a GPS for your car before venturing there. If money is a problem, get a compass or look for the North Star. I am warning you, most of the whirlybird Medivac flights involve rescuing walkers lost on the way to the McGeever Center.
The trainer at the Center explained to me a basic squat. The squat is performed by bending the legs at the knees and hips, lowering the torso between the legs, and then reversing direction to stand up straight again. The torso remains relatively upright throughout the movement. It sounds simple enough, but I dare you to get up off your lazy boy rocker and try one right now.
I placed my laptop on the floor and went into the Patrick J. McGeever Changing Room. I needed to look my best before I could consider even doing one regular squat. I know that I have the God given talent to become the perfect cybersquatter. I glanced at myself in the large mirror on the wall. I looked so cool (no pun intended) after donning my mawashi. The mawashi, as you know, is the embarrassing silk ribbon that a sumo wrestler wears. Huff’s Sporting Goods used to sell them in downtown Pottsville when that area used to have stores. Maybe Ollies at the Cressona Mall has them if you are interested? Tell them trout sent you. Mawashis make great Christmas presents.
After I performed my Shinto ritual hand-clapping and leg-stomping to drive away the evil spirits, I was ready to perform a squat; my laptop was still on the floor. I wanted to master a basic squat before attempting a cybersquat. I am not sure if my knees gave out first, or my back. All I remember is getting assisted from off both the floor and the broken computer. I was quickly led outside to smoke a cigarette which I purchased from the Patrick J. McGeever Cigarette Vending Machine. I thought to myself, “I think I have just slipped a floppy disk,” as I slowly exhaled and cloud-like rings of smoke rose into the autumn blue Pottsville sky.
I then realized the evils of squatting, cyber or otherwise. Doctors had warned us of the inherent risks, but I failed to heed their advice as the only physician I ever had faith in was Dr. Pepper.

At that moment a Pottsville whirlybird landed and a medivac person approached, believing I needed assistance. I told him I injured myself while cyberquatting. When he told me cybersquatting was illegal in California, I responded, “So what! California is the state that allowed OJ, Robert Blake and Phil Spector to get away with homicide.” I was then strapped onto a stretcher and flown to my chiropractor’s office within seconds thanks to the Pottsville whirlybirds.

I would cybersquat no more.