Criminal Investigation to be Launched

Confidential Informant inside the courthouse

Reliable sources confidential to Beansoup for the Soul have told me that the District Attorney’s Office may soon receive $250,000 in state grants to enhance its investigation of witch doctors and other sorcerers that plague our beloved county.  The grants supposedly are part of more than $10 million being allocated to state-wide district attorneys’ offices, made through the state’s newly announced program funded from through the new tattoo tax.   

Suspects to be rounded up election-eve

 

The grants will fund personnel, including investigators, assistant district attorneys, exorcists and assorted cronies and hanger-ons who build cases for prosecution cases under section 7104 of the Pennsylvania Crimes Code, which makes it a misdemeanor of the third degree for anyone to pretend for gain to predict future events by spells or incantations.  

My sources also told me that the annual election-eve drug sweep will be scrapped this year in favor of an election-eve sweep of all those who participated in any shape, form or manner (not necessarily in that order) in the recent Hoodie Hoo Day festivities.  This includes all Pennsylvania Dutch pow wow shamans, conjurers, soothsayers, mombos as well as any citizen who conspired foolishly to chant the gibberish in hopes of altering the weather with this hocus-pocus.  

Take a look out your window, for cryin' out loud!!! It's March 5th....it's like Antarctica outside!! the chanting to change the weather was one big gigantic fraud!!! The weather was not altered one degree!! The cold weather may even impact the Pottsville St. Patrick's Parade as I was told it might have to be held indoors at the Humane Fire House.

Lastly, it has been reported that a substantial reward will soon be offered for capture of Punxsutawney Phil, dead or alive.