CSI: Mahantongo Street

I read with amusement the Republican Herald article regarding the over-reaction of a few people to a falling bricks from two properties on Mahantongo Street in Pottsville –"La ville qui ne dort jamais mais se baigne de temps en temps."*

Apparently some busybody neighbor called the police trying to get these property owners in trouble. Why can’t people just mind their own business? Personally I enjoy the skankiness, grittiness and creepiness of parts of Mahantongo Street, but not necessarily in that order.

For those of you who missed the story, here it is with my analysis (thank you Republican Herald):

1. City police rushed to the 800 block of Mahantongo Street on Tuesday afternoon as a 6-by-4-foot section of a brick facade connecting two vacant row homes crumbled to the sidewalk.
Why were the police rushing? Did they think the bricks would make a quick get-away? Is it true they tasered a fallen brick and dusted for finger prints? Were Miranda warnings given to the bricks? So many questions, so few answers.

2.”… City Code Enforcement Officer Donald J. Chescavage said it was just the brick facade connecting addresses 802 and 804. City officials have been trying to get the property owners to repair those facades for a few months.
Fixing up a property to meet code requirements takes time - years and maybe decades in this economy. Some of us enjoy watching buildings decay and collapse along with neighboring property values. It is a cheap form of entertainment.

3. "When we saw there was a problem there a few months ago, we sent letters to both property owners telling them they better get together on this and work together…" Chescavage said.
Rumors are that the first letter was a valentine. A second valentine will be sent out next year but more stern. I also understand that the people who “noticed” problems ten years ago will be sent to re-education camps as problems only existed “for a few months.” The photographs on my website showing the tree growing out of the basement taken over the years have all been denounced as hoaxes and I am scheduled for summer re-education camp this July.

4. According to the online Schuylkill Parcel Locator, 802 Mahantongo St. is owned by Gregory E. Wagner, 310 Highland Drive, Pottsville; and 804 Mahantongo St. is owned by Edward and Ethel Schappel, 801 Mahantongo St.
For too many years Mahantongo Street suffered from a prissy and stodgy image perpetrated upon the world by novelist John O’Hara. These property owners should be commended for helping the street shed this worn-out image.

5. Yellow police tape had been stretched across the fronts of both properties, prior to Tuesday's collapse.
What about twenty four hour police or shade tree commission protection for the tree growing from the basement?

6. A neighbor called the Schuylkill County Communications Center at 5:26 p.m. Tuesday, reporting a "building collapse," according to a supervisor at the communications center.
I always thought that filing a false police report is a criminal offense. I demand an immediate investigation of the person who called in the report and the book should be thrown at him or her (as well as a few façade bricks).

7. City police immediately sealed traffic access to the 700, 800 and 900 blocks of Mahantongo Street, and Chescavage and Dan Kelly, the city superintendent of streets, were called to evaluate the situation.
Evaluation? Just place a few pedestrians on the sidewalk and watch if they get hit on the head. If so, tell them to walk on the other side of the street. No problem. Maybe it will knock some sense into them.

8. Chescavage assured police the buildings would not collapse.
Thank God! Now we can all sleep well tonight.

9. …Chescavage and Kelly advised them to block the sidewalk in front of the properties with wooden horses.
Where do you expect these property owners who have now suffered the humiliation of having a false police report lodged against them and their names splashed in the newspaper to find “wooden horses”? Lakewood Park’s Carousel was sold decades ago and the wooden horse that once graced the window of Knapp’s Leather Goods went west years ago. Isn’t there some PADCO money available for the purchase of wooden horses and other assistance for these people?


10. Meanwhile, Chescavage said he's going to step up efforts to get the property owners to get to work on these properties. .................. The Valentine will be sent out earlier next year, much sterner.

*“The City that never sleeps but occasionally bathes”

a bad day at the donut shop

With the recent release of the Mayor of Mount Carbon’s long form birth certificate proving that he is indeed the youngest mayor ever elected, some have moved onto other topics such as the mysterious crop circles in the Lewistown Valley. But not me.
I spend most of my time ease-dropping on the conversations of others while at Dunkin’ Donuts. I learn a lot this way. I discovered the truth about the Freemasons, the Oddfellows, the Knights of Columbus, the Hibernians, Teen-Age Republicans, the 4-H, and the Eastern Star- just be being a busybody.

From my ease-dropping, I now know that there is a new group attempting to control our county….It is a shadowy group, a modern incarnation of the age-old Iluminati...a group of masterminds plotting to create a New County Order.

The other day, I saw these individuals enter the Donut Shop, I saw them place the same order. Double cocoa kreme puff donuts…two of them…large coffees with half and half. They gathered around the same table, sitting in a rectangular formation. They ate their donuts and drank their coffee while talking about the upcoming election. But there is no emotion. None. Just the pretense of it. Their words, their gestures, everything else is the same. There is no feeling. Not like me when I eat a double cocoa kreme puff donut. Whoo Hoo! Something is passing between them all, some secret. It's a conspiracy, I know it.

I cautiously watched them from behind my newspaper. I read the Pottsville Republican. I pretended to read Doctor Gott’s column on curing flatulence and then a column by Ione Geier who recalled about the night that Tubby Allen go the salt and pepper shakers mixed up at the Pottsville Club.
I glanced over nervously. The men continued to eat their donuts. I thought to myself, “I hope they don’t notice me.” I began to perspire profusely. I occasionally took a bite out of my Apple Cheese Danish and washed it down with coffee. The coffee was hot and black. Just like the coffee the men at the table were drinking. Just like a woman I met down in New Orleans thirty years ago, but that is another story. I overheard some of their conversation. They discussed the eventual take-over of the county. Who? Who is going to take over the county? I started to choke on my Apple Cheese Danish. I told the concerned waitress that I did not need the Heimlich maneuver, but thanked her anyway and told her that I would take a rain check on that. She did bring me a glass of water. It was fluoridated! I refused to drink it. I spit it out. Wouldn't you?
I watched them get up and leave the table. I slowly walked over, I looked down…hmmm….left behind were donut crumbs, a TV Guide and a miserly tip. “Why seventeen cents?” What is the significance? Of course, the primary is on the.... 17th! BUT why TV Guide? I realized that I was onto something really big.

Something is going to happen. It is already in process. I need to get the word out. Who is taking over the county? Who would want to take over the county? Would it be coal operators bent on transforming the entire county into one big Wadesville, having us work fourteen hour days below ground and making us do all our shopping at the company stores rather than at Walmart? Would my daughter, Santana be destined to become a "breaker girl" and have to give up her dreams of becoming a pole dancer? Would it be the railroad operators? Nah….scratch that…. Would it be the brewers? They once had a lot of clout. Nah….The Gas Industry already controls the rest of the state. Nah, not them....I picked up the TV Guide. I noticed that the Food Channel shows were all circled. Yes! I found the clue I was looking for. Then it dawned on me….

"County Commissioner candidate, Gary Hess is connected to food catering...
Controller candidate Brad Petchulis is connected to the sale of meats....Controller candidate Christy D. Joy is connected to catering....The current sheriff is connected to catering....
County Commissioner candidate Larry Padora is in the bakery business.....The County has just published a... cook book!...what kind of recipes do they have is store for us little people?... I have to have that cookbook..I need to get one right away....sooner or later we'll, all of us, be on the menu.... All of us."

Is this the start of the New County Order? If the food industry gets a stranglehold on the county what does it mean? Is it the end of the Atkins Diet? Will all of the gyms and health clubs be shut down? Will the prices of halupkies be artificially manipulated? God help us if they are! Is this a desperate attempt to bring the shadowy Mrs. T back to power so that she can rule over us as if she was Eva Peron, Imelda Marcos or that mysterious female Jury Commissioner we never see? Will it be like that Twilight Zone episode where the Kanamit aliens come down to earth to harvest mankind for some sort of intergaltic gumbo? I dropped the TV Guide, took one more bite of my danish. Whoo Hoo! I quickly exited the Donut Shop, running up and down Westwood Boulevard with my hands frantically waving back and forth, yelling at the top of my voice to anyone who would listen to me. Will you? Please listen to me....This is even bigger than the Mount Carbon birth certificate story.