My Top Ten Predictions for the Orthodox New Year

This year my new year resolution was to avoid any discussion on the New Year baby and so far I have kept my word. Best wishes to the mom, baby and the anonymous donor!

On January 13th, the Orthodox New Year's Day, I will formally announce my Predictions for 2011 in the Walmart Lobby. Since I received my associate's degree in hocus pocus from McCann's, I have been hailed as the true successor to Nostradamus.

To those of you that have no life and continue to read this blog I will give you a head's up on these predictions. So take solace my friends. Print them out and put them away to keep score next December. I have only been wrong once; that was when I erroneously predicted that the Three Pennsylvania Dutch Tenors' Groundhog Day CD would go platinum.

TOP TEN PREDICTIONS FOR THE ORTHODOX NEW YEAR

10. At the Sovereign Majestic Theatre members of the scientific community will present irrefutable proof that space aliens have indeed made contact with earth by premiering a startling documentary on the Pottsville American Way Fair.

9. During the upcoming Commissioner Race a “birther conspiracy movement” will spread rumors that the Mayor of Mount Carbon is not as youthful as he claims to be. The growing demands for the release of his birth certificate will divert attention from the pressing issues.

8. At the September County Real Estate Tax Sale, the entire borough of Shenandoah will be sold to a Saudi Prince - with Mahanoy City included in the sale - after the investor agrees to pay in cash! Ironically, within three years the Prince will demand his money back.

7. A new Dead Sea scroll will be discovered near the Rock along the Schuylkill River south of Port Clinton giving rise to a new religious sect as well as to a new pun - “Rock and Scroll" which results in yours truly being tossed off off the Rock.

6. The American Medical Association (AMA) will make a major announcement that will send shock waves around the world declaring that bleenies indeed cure flatulence.

5. Full body scans will be instituted at the Schuylkill County Fair after Congressman Holden delivers a check to cover the costs of the extra large equipment that is required. Three oversized women will appear with the Congressmen in a newspaper photograph accepting the check.

4. In a controversial development, the County Commissioners will issue a proclamation declaring mayonnaise the official condiment of the county's bicentennial celebrations resulting in both a stunning defeat for the north-of-the- mountain horseradish supporters as well as dozens of arrests throughout the county.

3. The Yorkville Burger King will select a commoner wife from Minersville. A royal wedding will be held at St. Patrick’s Chapel in early Spring with the reception to follow at...you guessed it...the Burger King.

2. My parole application will once again be denied.

1. In a move to increase its membership, the stodgy old Pottsville Club will forego its strict dress code by experimenting with a "Pantless Wednesday."

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Courthouse Christmas Tree

The Court House Christmas Tree this year is a celebration of the county’s bicentennial as well as a loving salute to our vast number of municipal governments.

The Court House Christmas Tree Committee (CHCTC) has been scrutinizing the submission of ornaments from the various municipalities to be inducted onto a branch on this year’s tree. With so many local governments there is a concern that the tree would be incapable of holding the weight. At last count there were between 67 -253 officially sanctioned municipalities and governmental entities.
Sadly, Yorkville was not allowed to participate in the tree celebration. Yorkville’s controversial hand-painted ceramic Christmas ball featuring the likeness of the Burger King Restaurant was removed by deputy sheriffs after a protest was lodged by the City of Pottsville. It was wrestled to the ground and thrown in the Courthouse Dumpster. As you know, the City claims control of this contested territory as a result of a controversial election about one hundred years ago. If the Yorkville ornament remained on the tree, then Pottsville threatened to remove its numerous ornaments. The Pottsville ornaments are quite spectacular and include a replica of a purse once carried by Crazy Sarah and a string of popcorn. Not just any popcorn, but buttered popcorn that was found beneath the ruins of the Capitol Theatre.

Pottsville insists that Yorkville is an inalienable part of Pottsville and Pottville’s City Hall is the sole legal authority over the disputed territory. This authoritarian policy had created tension and saber-rattling in the neighboring municipalities of Mount Carbon, Palo Alto, Mechanicsville, Port Carbon and Shoentown; all of which still refuse to recognize the absorption of Yorkville into Greater Pottsville. These neighboring municipalities still recognize a free and independent Yorkville with its capital building at Lotz’s Café on West Market Street.

Incidentally, the third week in July is celebrated as Captive Municipalities Week in many of these places with speeches and parades promoting independence for such places as Yorkville, Rahn Township, Teaberry Hill, The Irish Flat’s, Altamont, Shenandoah’s First Ward, Smoketown, and Arnot’s Addition. Many of these captive municipalities have established governments in exiles, or shadow governments, with a headquarters at the Schuylkill Mall. If you stop by the Mall the headquarters is located near K-Mart. Inside the headquarters one can stop and talk to the various unofficial officials, their staff and solicitors. This year as a fund raiser you can get your child’s photo taken on the Mayor of Arnot’s Addition’s lap.

Now back to the tree. Some ornaments were immediately rejected, such as Mount Carbon’s submission of two of its residents (who were supposedly “lit up like Christmas Trees” after leaving the Brett Michael’s concert). In their place, the Court house accepted an old Bavarian Beer bottle cap. The West Penn Township’s donation of a Pontiac hood ornament from its local auto junk yard was approved after the County’s Office of Weights and Measures got its scale out and declared the weight to be acceptable. The hood ornament is now on the fifth branch from the top (east side).

Alcoholic submissions got mixed signals. Porter Township’s submission of a bottle of Porter Ale was approved after the Treasurer’s Office gave a five cent deposit on the bottle’s safe return. Walker Township’s bottle of Johnny Walker Whiskey was deemed too heavy and mysteriously vanished, only to reappear a day later... but now empty.

From the trout family to all of youse:
Merry/Happy: Select one: __Christmas, __Hanukah, __Festivus,__ Kwanzaa,__ Solstice, __Boxing Day,___ (generic) Holiday... And to all a good night.

Conundrum

"Conundrum"
That is a fancy word for puzzle or mystery. The conundrum I am facing was created by two opposing recent realities:
1. Mammy got a letter from the Social Security Administration which told her that her benefits are protected against inflation. By law they increase when there is a rise in the cost of living. The government measures changes in the cost of living through the Department of Labor’s Consumer Price Index (CPI). The CPI has not risen since the last cost-of-living adjustment was determined in 2008. As a result her benefits will not increase in 2011 (yes, Mammy is older than me, she is what is referred to as a cougar).
2. Pennsylvania lawmakers and judges are entitled to a cost of living pay increase due to inflation. Yes, I understand that there are different statistical data used for government officials than those used for the regular folks, but it is difficult to explain to others. Starting this month, the 1.6709 percent cost-of-living increase will boost a legislator’s salary to $79,623.23. I tried to remember what some of the fringe benefits included and found an old 2006 list, which included health care insurance, long term nursing home insurance, disability, dental, vision, and prescription insurance, $39,800 per year for expenses; $4,000 for postage, $141 a day stipend on legislative business; $7,800 for auto leasing, and some others including the golden cow – a defined benefit pension. These have all gone up since then I assume.

This puzzle can be referred to as a koan or paradox. But I told Mammy the solution to the koan is obvious, government officials have higher bills to pay than the rest of us. I told her to quit complaining and cut back on her Metamucil intake, try diluting it with more water or eat more dandelions. She can quite the Matlock fan club and save a few bucks on the dues. She can cut back on bleenies and order only five instead of six. We should be blessed that Schuylkill County has three representatives working for us in Harrisburg and they deserve every penny earned as well as those perks.

As for the appellate judges, Cadillacs, Lexuses, Mercedes Benz, and high end SUVs (including one leased by one Supreme Court Justice from his own brother) are expensive to maintain, even if the state pays for their monthly lease payments and reimburses them for mileage. Pennsylvania’s top judges are among the highest paid in the nation and I told Mammy that she should get down on her knees and thank the Lord above that this is so, and hopefully no other state will ever surpass us. I told her that she should check the price of Turtle Wax. It is through the roof.

Zerbe International Airport

JOE ZERBE INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT, SCHUYLKILL COUNTY

Mammy just finished putting on bumper sticker, “I will give up the county code when they pry my cold, dead fingers from around it” on the back of our car. We then headed towards Minersville for an early Thanksgiving vacation in Allentown. We decided to fly out of Joe Zerbe International Airport because the round trip tickets were all I could get with my 100 books of S & H Green Stamps. It also seemed less hectic than driving on 78 with so many tractor trailers now delivering Chia Pets, clappers and other Christmas gifts to the various stores.

I let Mammy out with the luggage and then parked the car in the long term parking area. The shuttle bus took me to the terminal and I found Mammy. She was checking the luggage and arguing with the attendant. She insisted that our tickets guaranteed us seats in the smoking section of the plane. Apparently this was incorrect information we were given at the Pottsville S & H Green Stamp Redemption Center.

Since we arrived at the airport two hours we headed over to the duty-free gift shop where many unclaimed items that had fallen out of suitcases that opened up coming down the chute to the luggage carousel are sold. We bought several items that appeared to fit us which did not appear too soiled.

We had delicious red beet eggs at the food court. That is where Mammy thought she spotted the Pottsville Domino Pizza delivery man in his uniform. He told her she was correct but that he would be our pilot for the flight to Allentown.

Heading to the boarding terminal we saw the sign “absolutely no liquids!” I opened my carry on, took out my Red Bull and finished it off. Mammy did the same with her maple syrup.
New security rules require that every passenger get either groped or x-rayed.

I selected the groping, while Mammy selected the full body X-ray.
To make this groping procedure more pleasurable, each passenger is allowed to select which security agent will grope you.

I removed my turban and selected a young perky female that reminded me of one of the girls at Spa 61. I am positive that it was the same girl just from the feel of her hands on my body. After about five minutes of groping she asked me to turn my head and cough. She then told me to quickly move along. I was relieved that I did not have a hernia but I asked if that she better make sure as hernias run in the Trout family. I even offered her ten dollars, but she refused.
Mammy opted for the full naked body X-ray as she hates to be touched. The device used was the old x-ray machine from Raring’s Shoe Store on South Centre Street in Pottsville. Due to its age I was unsure of its safety, but I was relieved when I saw a certificate of safety placed on it by the County Office of Weights and Measures.

Mammy had to lie down on the conveyor belt as she went by the machine. She was elated when she passed the X- ray test on her first try for which the attendant gave her a “good job!” sticker. I purchased a copy of her naked body X-ray at the nearby both as a souvenir. It cost only three dollars. I bought a few extra to send to friends and relatives.

We finally boarded our plane and took off, cruising at an altitude of about one hundred feet. Everyone on the plane went “ooooh” as we passed over the Henry Clay Monument heading to Reading. I forgot to tell you that it wasn’t a direct flight and we had a ninety minute lay over and change of planes in Reading. Thus, we were never able to finish the in-flight movie, Jackass 2. I don’t know how it concludes. Maybe I will catch the ending on the flight back.

what's next?

I have lectured for years on what I call “The Domino Theory.” I theorized that if one county came under the influence of home rule, then the surrounding counties would follow suit, discarding the county code. It was called the Domino Theory, not because of the pizza, but what I believe to be this falling domino principle.

Set up dominoes in a row, and then try knocking one over. What should happen is it that the others begin to fall, one after another. Try this experiment at work. Instead of wasting time on your computer or cell phone, bring an old fashioned domino game with you and place the pieces on the floor. Get your co-workers to join in the experiment.

Home rule already exists in several counties in Pennsylvania – Erie, Delaware, Lehigh, Lackawanna. Looking at the map of Pennsylvania, I decided to change the name of my theory from Domino to "The Twister Theory" since the state's home rule counties are not all contiguous. The name comes from the board game in which the players stretch all over a big plastic mat. Mammy and I actually met each other on a Twister plastic mat, so it has special meaning to me. Twister is a lot more fun than dominoes especially if you have the right partner.
Here is a good Youtube video to assist those of you not familar with the game: Twister.

The blasphemous evil, home rule, that began in other counties has now reached our northern border, with the voters recently passing the Home Rule referendum. Lehigh also borders us on the east and home rule is there also. We have double trouble.
Some locals may soon encourage the spread of this unholy doctrine here. As a fundamentalist (with emphasis on the first syllable) I believe that the County Code is something that must be respected and followed, and not discarded and replaced like a year-old telephone directory - remember that even old phone books may contain valuable unused money-saving coupons.

To combat this insidious influence that hovers around us, many suggestions have been proposed. Yes, it may be possible to set up refugee centers for shelter to those fleeing the approach of the menacing new government. Yes, we can beam radio and television programs into Luzerne County promoting the benefits of the three Commissioner form of government. Yes, we can circulate posters with the theme “Keep Calm and Carry On” to boost morale and relieve tensions within our county. Yes, we can commence an economic boycott and stop shopping in counties that have home rule. Shop locally, shop Renninger’s Market! Yes, we can also build an electric fence to protect our borders stretching from Ringtown to Andreas.

So many great ideas! So much time!
I know that I could never live under a governmental system that did not provide two elected ceremonial jury commissioners (one from each major party) and a variety of elected row officers. I would not want Mammy and our children, my children from my prior relationships, Mammy’s children from her prior relationships, and any other children I may have missed to live under such a system.

At this point in our 200 year old history I compare our plight to the plight of the ancient Israelites at the Macarana fortress and I am willing to make the same sacrifice that those defenders made to protect their way of life. I hope you feel the same as I do.

To those who think that I am exaggerating the evils of home rule, I say that it this only the first step down a slippery slope. Soon there will be an attempt to shrink the size of our state legislature and cut back on the legislative perks. After that will be an attempt to sell off the state store system. Maybe some smart-ass will even propose eliminating elected local tax collectors? Where will it end? The imposition of Sharia law? Why don't these people let well enough alone?

What's going on in Luzerne County?

Here is an interesting video supporting the home rule charter in neighboring Luzerne County in this year's election. We should be grateful that our local paper does not offer any coverage on this issue as it could give local people some subversive ideas. I salute the paper's silent treatment and blackout. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing.
This blog is being offered as a public service to the few readers that are interested in life beyond the borders of Schuylkill County and the dangers that could spread over the border.
However I must warn you that this video may shock you. But after watching it, we must all hope that the Luzerne rebellion will be crushed as it was crushed twice before. Our coal region status quo must continue for at least another thousand years. Now is the time for our citizenry to stand behind the County Commissioners of Luzerne County and others who are now under attack.
I personally plan to organize a brigade of volunteers to head up to Luzerne County and protect the offices of the elected row offices especially the jury commissioners...at least the office of the one jury commissioner presently not under indictment. Volunteer guards are also needed at the besieged juvenile detention center.
Mammy Trout has promised to make chow chow and send it up feed the volunteers who will ship out to Luzerne soon. She is only one woman and cannot do it alone. Grating cabbage is very tiring. She is calling on the women of Schuylkill County to help her. Besides the immediate need for chow chow, requests have come in from as far away as Shickshinny for city chicken and bleenies.
A Recruiting Station will be at the Schuylkill Mall (inside the former location of Spencer Gifts, at the counter where the battery operated whoopie cushions used to be displayed). Please stop by and volunteer. Monetary contributions are also welcomed.
I cannot stand by and watch our beloved county code be held up to ridicule any longer. Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their county (and neighboring county). We can once again reclaim the title as first defenders. Remember the words of former Luzerne County Commissioner Greg Skrepenak, "its not the fault of the system, you just need to elect good people." Mammy plans to send him a jar of chow chow while he is incarcerated at a West Viriginia federal prison.
If you cannot see video below, go to Luzerne County Rising

The Maroon Cheerleaders

The Untold Story of the Pottsville Maroon Cheerleaders

Before the 1925 NFL championship season, the Pottsville Maroon cheerleader squad was composed of only unemployed coal miners. In fact it was not until 1920 that women won the right to cheerlead when the 19th Amendment to the Constitution was finally ratified.

"The right of citizens of the United States to cheerlead shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of sex."

Seeing cheerleaders was rarely a reason to watch a football game prior to the Constitution being amended, unless one was interested in watching dusty laidoff coal miners jump up and down. In 1924 it was decided that the cheerleading squad needed a new image and a decision was made to drop the miners and select an all female squad from the local garment factories in the Pottsville-Minersville area. This shrewd decision was based on "Dr. John" Striegel’s idea that a change to the cheerleader image was necessary to boost attendance. Apparently goldfish swallowing and flag-pole sitting were catching on in the coal region, luring many football fans away from the games. Now that the Maroons were going to be part of the NFL, it would be embarrassing for the franchise team to have lower radio ratings than amateur gold fish swallowing and amateur flag pole sitting. Radio coverage on WPPA of both of these crazes was pushing football off of the airwaves. Something had to be done.

The Miss Pennsylvania factory was selected to totally redesign the cheerleader outfits. Gone would be the heavy boots, bib overalls, and miner’s helmets. At first babuskas, woolen overcoats and arctic boots were experimented with, but within two weeks a more modern, feminine flapper-type outfit was chosen –daring for the times. Apparently the mostly male audience desired to see a little more flesh and an exposed calf would have to do, to the outrage of many of the local clergy who gave sermons on the ruination of western civilization if the lower back of a woman’s leg was exposed on or off the playing field.

That spring hundreds of young women converged at Kings’ Plaza where the Maroons played their games to audition; all sharing a single dream of being selected. The preliminaries, semi-finals and finals of the auditioning process were all held in that parking lot and resulted in twelve young women being picked to head off to Cheerleading Training Camp high atop Sharp Mountain. The process of turning civilian garment workers into professional cheerleaders has been described as a form of conditioning in which the inductees are encouraged to submerge their individuality for the good of the squad and the results were obvious.

For six grueling weeks, these candidates were transformed from fragile whiny and annoying young girls to powerfully disciplined young women, rehearsing for ten hour days, six days a week. Their diet consisted of football staples such as nacho cheese sauce, funnel cake and soft pretzels and it showed.

Besides the physical endurance, the candidates attended classes on grooming and personal hygiene, and diction. The latter was most important as the cheerleaders had to perfect the Schuylkill County dialect. They studied under the tutelage of language professors and anthropologists every Saturday from one o’clock until three thirty, or as one would say “one o’clock ‘til tree turdy.” Time would be spent mastering such common words such as dis, dat, dem, dese, dose, dere, dat dere. Ain’t that right?

In 1925 the revamped cheerleader squad debuted to the loud roar of approval from those in attendance at the games as well as from the patrons of Radzievich’s supermarket and Palarmo’s Restaurant who happened to be there during game time.

These girls were hot!

With the help of the reinvented cheerleaders, the Maroons went on to win the NFL championship that year by distracting the opposing teams with their pom poms, human pyramids and exposed calf muscles.

The rest is history and the stuff that legends are made of.

North or South of the Mountain

Schuylkill County’s devotion to the Three Stooges is unsurpassed. The eye poking, the slaps on the face, the ear pulling. Yes, we the simple people of Schuylkill County can never get enough of that stuff. For decades every television set during the B.C. period of time (Before Computer), were all turned on to the Stooges. It didn’t matter if you watched with rabbit ears or on Trans-Video, Shen-Tel, Comcast or peered through your neighbor’s window. You had to see them to believe them.

Over the years there were many attempts to honor these gentlemen in the County despite the unwritten rule that only living local politicians, school directors or bureaucrats are to be honored by having streets, bridges and buildings named after them. In Pottsville the city councilmen unanimously rejected a proposal of having Claude Lord Boulevard renamed to Curly Way, but council did throw a bone to the masses by dedicating “Howard Avenue” in honor of Moe, Curly and Shemp Howard. These were the three sibling stooges. It was a safe way to get re-elected; don’t offend anyone. By naming it Howard Avenue, the councilmen avoided taking a stand in the warring faction between the residents favoring Curly over Shemp.

You see, Schuylkill County was and still is a very provincial area. The Broad Mountain, where Necho Allen discovered enlightenment, basically separates the county into two, and the differences between the populations of those living “north of the mountain” from those living “south of the mountain” are quite obvious.

Those living on the north drive on the right side of the road, while those living on south drive on the left. Those living in the north use the term “hoagie,” while those to the south prefer the term “submarine sandwich.” In the north it is impolite to chew gum while talking, and in the South it is impolite to talk while chewing gum. In the north apples are eaten to keep a doctor away; in the south apples are eaten solely for the fiber content. If a doctor fails to come around, so be it, the doctor is more likely to be your neighbor. Those living north of the mountain eat “halupkies” while those on the south side dine on “stuffed cabbage.” Those north of the mountain wear “dinkies” and those on the south don “knitted caps” (with designer logos). Those to the north use “sweepers” and those in the south use “vacuum cleaners.” In the North Alphabet Soup is in Cyrillic, but not so in the South. I could go on and on.

However, when the topic is “who is your favorite Stooge?” the North’s support for one particular Stooge was unmatched. Yes, the South overwhelmingly favored Curly, while the North held him in contempt, considering him to be the fraudulent Stooge – an imposter, a fake, a phony, a pretender to the throne, a charlatan. I could go on and on. The North was unwavering in its support of Shemp. Just click on Google Earth you will locate the village of Shempton, north of the Broad Mountain, made famous in the 1960’s as the scene of the legendary Shempton Mine Disaster, where rescue efforts ceased every day when it was time for TV celebrity Sally Starr to host a Stooge film. When the film ended, discussions of its meaning would follow before rescue work resumed. This is one theory as to why not everyone got out of the mine.

Yes, there were isolated pockets of support for other Stooges north of the Mountain, but they were far and in between. Who can forget the misguided attempt to have Shenandoah re-named Shen-Moe? The instigator stood up at the council meeting with his placard with the words, “Just Say Moe.” I certainly cannot forget. Thankfully dozens of Kiethan Bakery pies were hurled at him and he left town.

To this day, the name remains as Shen-Doe.

my staycation: the city fountain

I took some photographs this summer during my Pottsville stay-cation. The one above is the world-famous fountain where legend has it, if you toss coins over your shoulder into its waters, you will return to Pottsville one day and the more coins you throw in the longer the stay. Yes, I am talking about the fountain at the corner of South Centre Street and Mahantongo Street. Not many coins in the fountain unfortunately. Mammy took this photograph. She could have gotten a little closer.

Yes, eye catching fountains are a must-have thing for any self-respecting city that wants to attract tourists and Pottsville has one of the best. Top notch. Jim Dandy. Awesome. What more can I say? Perhaps, “nifty.” This unnamed fountain was built in the 1970s with “Revenue Sharing” money that flooded into the area from Washington, D.C. Some say it is unnamed because no one wants to be associated with it, but that is just an urban legand. But it certainly is one piece of the “history of the 1970s” that when you see it, you’ll want to cry.

Yes, this artificially produced jet of water was bigger than I expected. From the postcards I had received over the years I thought it would be smaller. I stood there in awe. Yes, it did bring to my mind Versailles, the seat of the Sun King, Louis XIV, I have to admit that. The sumptuous use of water along Centre Avenue (note the French spelling of the word center) could not be otherwise.

At night I did get the opportunity to view the entertainment options that the fountain offers one's senses. At 9 PM every evening during the summer months the fountain offers a mesmerizing show of water, music and light, all interwoven to romance your senses. I promised Mammy we would return again next summer as we were so impressed. Try to imagine watching this fountain dancing to the rhythms of such 70s songs such as “Muskrat Love, “Kung Fu Fighting” and “Macho Man.” Unbelievable.Stupendous. Astounding. What more can I say. Wicked, perhaps, but that is it."

All of this is done for sheer entertainment, free of charge. It is an ambitiously choreographed complex water show set against the beautiful backdrop of the city’s closed public restrooms. Very clever indeed. There is no other municipal water fountain that offers the same scope, spectacle and emotional impact as this downtown city fountain.

There are some nay sayers, such as my brother-in-law who said, when first viewing the fountain, “Is that a leak in the building or was there a fire?” Municipal Jealousy! What more can I say. Perhaps,”cosmopolitan covetness.” Please ignore those architectural ignoramouses (ignoramice?).

How does one then summarize the Pottsville fountain to the novice? With the flux of tourists waiting to arrive at the soon-to-open Intermodal bus station, a summary is needed quickly….. It is a simple combination of a basin and a spout. It is this simplicity that draws the viewer inward. The water that feeds into the fountain comes from the Norwegian Creek, the mysterious natural underground spring that runs below the surface of the land we call home, and this natural spring only appears to the visible eye at the Ryon Insurance Company parking lot where hundreds flock because of the water’s supposed healing abilities. That is a topic for another blog.

This simple fountain, although less flashy than its sister fountains in Rome or Paris, makes a passerby totally relax, creating an atmosphere that is stress-free, and forget the loss of Pottsville’s past.

Schuylkill County History: Chapter Four

THE CIVIL WAR

When the Civil War broke out in (I think) the middle of the 19^th century. The North (our side) was caught off guard. Our troops were ill-suited for combat. I mean ill-suited literally, as the uniforms that were available tended to droop, making it difficult for the men to march long distances to such southern places as Bull Run, Fredericksburg, Chattanooga or Dollywood.

Schuylkill County was noted, not only for its numerous "hose houses" which feature, to this day, beer bologna floating in a jar of some unknown liquid, but also for its many hosiery mills and garment factories.

When the South (the other side) seceded from the Union, these factories were just in their infancy. In fact, the most notable local garment factory, Phillips Van Heusen, was not yet even opened.

It was indeed a primitive time for the garment industry. There were no designer jeans, no big pecker tee shirts, no Iverson Jerseys, no spandex tights and no tube tops. It was not until after the Civil War that our garment industry took off in full force to bless us with those clothing items.

Yes, there actually was a time in which clothes were made here in the United States, strange as it may sound. And to top it off, Schuylkill County was the epi-center of this fledgling garment industry. Big pecker tee shirts were meticulously stitched by hand right here with patience, skill and a lot of love, probably by many of your mothers or grandmothers; not mass produced in some far-away third world sweatshop.

So when the cry came out for assistance in keeping the soldiers’ trousers from drooping, the women of Schuylkill County banded together to help these local volunteers. The Pottsville Ladies’ Soldiers’ Aid Society created what was would come to be known as “The First Suspenders.” I believe that this effort was led by local native, Amanda Silliman. I am unsure as most of written history ignores contributions by women. That is why it is called His-tory. Through its efforts, local donations, consisting of wooden boxes, filled with suspenders, were sent to the soldiers at the front. No longer would our troops shuffle and meander along because of droopy trousers; now they were able to move at a fast pace. In fact these suspenders are credited for the success of Sherman’s March and also the recognition of race-walking as an Olympics event.

As we all know from grade school, suspenders were first invented in 1822 by Albert Thurston; soon the women of the area began to make thousands of them. They began their project after April 12, 1861, when the Governor of Pennsylvania received a tweet in these words:

OMG! The war is commenced :(

Twittering, in the 19th century, was limited to six words or less, and that is all the news that the Governor received for the next three days.

On April 15th President Abraham Lincoln, on Facebook, issued a proclamation to his entire network calling out the state militia and a request for volunteers. He wanted 75,000 troops. Schuylkill County, at the time had a population of about 90,000 and about 13,000 of the residents eventually volunteered as soldiers of the Union (our side).

Schuylkill County gave one of the largest percentages of volunteers. Yes, some signed up to get out of the house, and others joined because they were the President's Facebook buddies, but most volunteered due to a strong sense of patriotism and a love of country.

They loved this nation and did not want it broken into two. Soon about 500 Schuylkill County men passed through Baltimore on their way to the protect our Nation's Capitol. They marched right through, missing the Orioles game and passing up the Dolphin Show at the Aquarium. Lucky for them, as many Baltimorioles were sympathetic to the South and many more were upset over the Orioles being shut out by the Philadelphia Athletics. They began to hurl bricks and stones at our fast moving troops. One stone hit Pottsville resident, Nicholas Biddle on the head while he was playing his banjo. Our troops, however, were fast enough to get away from the crowd and those rebel-rousers were unable to keep up because of their own droopy trousers. Before long our men arrived in the Capitol and were welcomed by their Facebook friend, Abraham Lincoln. Nicholas Biddle, although the first to shed blood in the Civil War, would eventually fade into oblivion, dying penniless and forgotten. He was never able to cash in on his fifteen minutes of fame.

Read more about him though at this website: Nicholas Biddle.

*WARNING – SPOILER ALERT! The ending to the civil war will be revealed! STOP NOW if you don't know what happens next

The North would win the war and the Union would be preserved. Slavery would be abolished. The South would remain depressed and forgotten until 2010 when the New Orleans Saints won the Superbowl. Incidentally, droopy pants would make a comeback in the last decade of the twentieth century when suspenders went out of style. The last man to wear suspenders regularly was the little drummer boy of Company A, 96th Pennsylvania Infantry by the name of Larry King. He is the man of the last suspenders. And that is the rest of the story.

leave all 67 of us alone

I was reading House Bill 2431 which was introduced in our legislature for the asinine purpose of consolidating local governments into their respective county governments. It was in the August 1^st Republican Herald.

It made me sick to my stomach.

I thought of the sacrifices made by our service men and women who protect our way of life here in the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, the Keystone State, where we can still enjoy a myriad of government officials, their administrative staffs, their workers and assorted hanger-ons - all duplicating services for us, the little people.

Now someone politician wants to take this right away from us.

Well excuse me. I feel sick again.

I don’t want history to repeat itself. I know what happened to Yorkville one hundred years ago. It was once a thriving metropolis, the heart of Germanic culture in Schuylkill County. It had its own government, led by Der Bürgermeister, its own administrative staff, its own schools, its own road crew, its own polizeikraft, its own Hundefänger, and its own currency. In a blink of an eye, all of that was taken away.

The promise that the Yorkvillians would retain their cultural heritage was immediately broken. Immediately the Pottsville City council outlawed German chocolate cake, lederhosen, and techno music – yes, techno music. The only thing left remaining was beer drinking. But the worst was that Yorkville bureaucrats were forced to find employment in the free market. The Yorkville tax collector I understand, when confronted with having to find honest employment, had to be institutionalized, thereby depriving another person of a needed bed at the local asylum. Yes, there still is only one county asylum rather than 67 asylums.... just another reason I am against consolidation.

While the obliteration of Yorkville is widely known, the conquest of Rahn Township, in the east end of Schuylkill County (yes, there really is an east end), has been kept a secret. A top secret.

Rahn Township was a civilization far more advanced than our own. It was a peaceful community with superior knowledge, thriving commerce and advanced technology. Archaeologists have verified that the eight track cartridge was widely used in Rahn Township over one hundred years ago, substantiating the claim of scientific advancement. There is very little other evidence of Rahn Township’s glory days left. Perhaps a few stones from one of the sacred wells or the altar to Poseidon, but that is about it. Despite rumors, there is no proof that Rahnites grew extraterrestrial wheat but the lack of evidence does not extinguish the legend surrounding Rahn Township.

No one predicted the fall of Rahn civilization, but it happened.

The consolidation of Tamaqua with Rahn Township was meant to save tax dollars. A very benign endeavor... “Building permits would be issued from only one department rather than two”... was the rallying cry. Thus began the slide on the slippery slope to oblivion. Within a few years Rahn Township was no more. Its few surviving natives were led off to make the back flaps for the thermal underwear in the factories of Tamaqua, never to return home. The altar to Poseidon was leveled and all the eight track cartridges destroyed.

This is why House bill 2431 must be defeated. Remember that consolidating local governments will eliminate many good paying jobs that have both defined benefit pension plans and other fringe benefits, such as pet bereavement leave. Many of these jobs have been held by families generation after generation. By increasing government we will be increasing employment.

We should be encouraging more local government as an economic stimulus package. For instance Schuylkill Haven could be easily split into several independent municipalities – Smoketown, Columbia Heights and the Irish Flats for starters; each with its own police force, solicitor’s office, dog catcher and street department. Likewise in St. Clair, Arnot’s Addition is just itching for independence, you can see it in the sullen eyes of its downtrodden citizenry.

I don’t want to hear any more bullsh*t about consolidation. I want more layers of inefficient governments, not less. It is our tax money and we should be able to waste it as we see fit. Inefficiency is part of our Pennsylvanian heritage and we must fight to protect it. Local government in Schuylkill County is a beautiful mosaic of 67 distinct units, often compared to the AIDS quilt, and we need to protect every one of those units.

I don’t care that our fragmented system of local government is out of touch with the 21^st century as I always thought that the 19^th century was great (except for the civil war). If Pennsylvania is running out of money then legalize and tax other forms of gambling. Rooster fighting for starters, but please, just let every one of our 67 local tax collectors count the money.

requiem for a peanut roll

Special to the Beansoup for the Soul Blog
Pottsville, Aug 1(AP) – The special County Grand Jury today convened to investigate charges of chocolate candy hoarding against several individuals, all violations of Section 6 of the Pottsville Candy Control Act, alleged to have large quantities of peanut rolls, nonpareils, and chocolate covered cherries in their possession.
In a statement issued by the City of Pottsville’s Surgeon General, it was alleged that the candy hoarding was apparently sufficient to maintain a family for a year and hence far in excess of the requirements for seven days, the period recognized by the City as a “reasonable” for residents during this time of crisis.
This is the first investigation of individual candy hoarding which became illegal after the sudden and abrupt closing of Mootz Candy Store, which created pandemonium in the county seat and elsewhere. With the announcement of the close of Mootz Candy Store, panic and fear took hold of the population. Long lines formed to purchase the remaining candy supplies at fifty per cent off (see photograph above), thus allowing the lucky ones to consume twice as much chocolate, but leaving the majority of us without enough chocolate to survive. The line at the store was reported to be larger than the bleenie line in Shenandoah on social security day according to an anonymous reliable source.
The crisis was unparalleled in modern Pottsville History in terms of scope, size and violence. It was more violent than the Cartoon Riots that occurred in Garfield Square over ten years ago when a passerby questioned the chastity of little orphan Annie, who was beloved by the citizenry. The Cartoon riots lasted five days, ending with the pillaging and destruction of the Garfield School building, often compared to the destruction of the temple in Jerusalem.

The initial protest over the candy shortage occurred along Centre Street, spilling northwards towards Jalappa and southwestward towards Bunker Hill. Starting with peaceful petitioning, the disturbance quickly escalated to riots and looting. The police were able to quell the disturbances within twenty-four hours with the assistance of the city K-9 corps and meter maids.
City Hall issued a press release stating that the police are ready at all times to proceed against hoarders, regardless of their social standing, and that charges will be filed to the end. It is alleged that one house on Greenwood Hill was recently raided, revealing a garage with 10 barrels of dark fudge, 7 barrels of white fudge, 5 barrels of maple walnut fudge, 105 pounds of non-pareils, 100 pounds of chocolate covered pretzels and 75 pounds of gumdrops.
Neighbors are reporting neighbors who are discovered to be burying large quantities of peanut rolls in backyards; all as a result of the reward money posted by the city.
The Surgeon General hopes that with the opening of the Intermodal Transportation Center busses will be available for those wanting to travel to Hershey in order to obtain the sought after chocolate.

With the approaching extinction of quality retail stores in the county, discussions are underway for a second hand candy store to open at the former Mootz location. When asked what a second hand candy store is, a PADCO representative said "a store that sells old candy past its expiration date, but at a deep discount; I prefer not to refer to it as stale candy; hopefully there will be candy cigarettes, Sugar Babies, Sky Bars, Mary Janes, fizzies, Bonomo turkish taffy, jujubes and wax lips. Such candy would be appropriate in a historical district... especially the wax lips which could add some long needed color to Centre Street."

sad news on the fate of the Mahantongo Street tree

It was most one of the dastardly deeds to befall the city of Pottsville. Some compared it to demolition of the Capitol Theatre, others compared it to the destruction of the old Y Building. However the city’s famed shade tree was cut down in the prime of its life, just as it was beginning to reach the rooftop of 802 Mahantongo Street.
Some may call it wanton vandalism. Others may call it domestic terrorism, I call it a political assassination. Yes, there is a heated tree contest going on in the city of Pottsville right now. With the fall of the axe, the Mahantongo Street tree is out of the competition.
And I was going to be the tree’s campaign manager – the Karl Rove of the tree competition, but now it is all over.

I was going to ask you, the readers who have wasted so much time reading this blog, to support the magnificent deciduous tree in its quest to be recognized as the official city tree.
Why, you ask, should anyone vote for that tree and not some other tree? What made the 802 Mahantongo Street tree so special?

No,it’s not because some believe (such as I) that this tree had mystical powers.

No, it’s not because of the legend that city founder John Pott sat under its branches for 49 days attempting to achieve enlightenment.

No, it is not because the tree has often been mistaken for the Cedars of Lebanon, Pennsylvania.

No, it is not because this tree inspired John O’Hara to move off of the street, relocate to Princeton and start drinking heavily.

It is simply because the tree represented our future.

Some have compared the Mahantongo and Norwegian street areas of Pottsville to Georgetown or Rittenhouse Square. I hope they are wrong. A tree such as the one at 802 Mahantongo Street would never have survived in those types of neighborhoods.

If people want to see a neighborhood full of prestige, charm and cleanliness, then I say let them go down to the Intermodal Transportation Center and get the hell out of town on some excursion trip to what they consider some yuppie wonderland.
What our city lacks in charm is made up tenfold in grittiness.
The tree was just one glorious living and breathing example of the mindset that sets us apart from say, Jim Thorpe or Lititz. It was our symbol of regret and missed opportunity. When visitors tour Mahantongo Street after visiting the brewery, this tree captured their imagination. It was the second most popular tourist attraction in the city according to the Visitors’ Bureau statistics. This is why our campaign slogan was going to be “Gritty, Grimy, Gloomy and Great!”* Now the visitors will have to be content to visit the large three story ladder on six hundred block which has been permanently affixed there as some sort of pop artwork until our tree rises once again from the earth.

There is a tendency in many societies throughout history to worship or mythologize trees; trees have played an important role in giving deep and sacred meaning throughout the ages. Driving on Mahantongo Street over the years I have carefully observed the growth of this tree from a baby sapling. I marveled at the elasticity of its branches, its shyness as it hugged the building wall, its annual decay and revival, and the way it arched its way through the porch up to the heavens. It’s rustling of its innumerable leaves was a spell of music, a funeral durge to be exact, to passerbys.

I will miss that tree and the skank culture it brought to the once high falutin street. And now the tree is gone, just a memory. Just as Nancy Kerrigan was knocked out of the ice skating competition by Tanya Harding, our beloved tree was most likely done in by a worried competitor. Maybe the tree could still win the contest posthumously if you really care enough.

*slogan is now available for other candidates to use.

Courthouse Cookbook

Mammy Trout is so excited about the Schuylkill County Cookbook being prepared which will feature some of the best of Schuylkill County cuisine, the foods that have made us what we are today as - you are what you eat. I always think of that line when I am at JFK Pool, looking around at the crowd. If we are what we eat, then many of us swimmers must be hams or butterball turkeys.
Yes, the cookbook will contain more than just recipes for halushki, beer nuts, birch beer and scrapple; no, many interesting quotes and words of wisdom are also included. Here is a sampling:
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
“Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.”
“If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.”

Riddles are also included:
“Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
“What can you make from baked beans and onions?” Tear gas.

Yes, the cookbook will present exemplary instruction of preparation of the savory mainstream dishes from all corners of the county, offering 1,000s of recipes without being burdened down with any dull, dumb nutritional information…borrr-ing… Instead the book has many baloney recipes submitted by local politicians, who are full of them. You will also find the sought after courthouse recipes for Prothonocherry ice cream, D.A. Split Plea Soup and Coroner's triple bacon burger.

The book will be great for cooks of all levels. It has a lot of great introductory information - how do you boil water? Can you stick your head in the microwave while it is on? Can you use bacon fat as a cake frosting substitute? Should you plug in your defibrillator before or after your super-sized bacon burger? What do you do if you run out of booze? Is it socially acceptable to practice the Heimlich maneuver during a County Commissioner meeting?

In addition, the book will ease you into many advanced recipes.

Looking to cook pig’s stomach for the annual Pine Grove Sadie Hawkins Day race?

This book will have all of the answers that you have been looking for over the years, from start to finish - from wrestling the pig to the ground, to breaking its neck, to gutting and removing the organs properly.

Trying to make a special dinner celebrating your babe’s new tramp stamp tattoo?

This cookbook has the right onion ring recipes for that happy occasion, all easy to understand and with gorgeous photos of local natives sipping on ice tea while they eat a handful of the tasty treats.

Having trouble rolling your own cigarettes to save on the high taxes?

I will leave you with a free sneak peak at this courthouse recipe:

1. Spread the tobacco out evenly on the rolling surface, preferably your desk at work.
2. Take your rolling paper and rest it with the crease between your thumb and middle finger, then rest your index finger in the crease to hold the paper down on whichever hand is not holding your cell phone or working a crossword puzzle.
3. Then using your free hand, begin at one end of the tobacco and delicately place the paper starting with the end you are holding it with.
4. Take a hold of the paper with the other hand (placing your cell phone between your jaw and your shoulder) again resting it between your middle finger and thumb.
5. Position the middle fingers so they roughly form a straight line from one end to the other.
6. Now using the thumbs, beginning rolling the cigarette between your thumb and middle fingers, doing this slow and evenly.

7. After the tobacco food product has been molded into the proper shape, pull your thumbs downward to have the edge of the paper align with the top of the tobacco.

8. Increase the pressure applied by the thumbs while moving the middle fingers upward, completing the rotation without creasing the bottom of the paper.
9. Complete the roll until the edge with the glue remains. Apply with a small streak of saliva (preferably your own rather than a co-worker who has been coughing up phlegm for days unexplainably).
10. Pinch off any loose tobacco at the ends and put back in your pouch for later use.
11. Get up from your desk and head outside. Place the unlit end in your mouth and enjoy! Smoke that cigarette for approximately 10-12 minutes before returning to work.
12. Repeat every hour.