Jackson Street (part 2)

The City has now declared Jackson Street off-limits to any person intending to hold vigils for the King of Pop. Moonwalking is now to be confined to Joulwan Park's skateboard arena due to large number of injuries. The Warne Clinic public relations administrator stated that its emergency triage was being overwelmed with overweight people complaining of sprains, bruises and contusions which resulted from failed moonwalk attempts on the hilly Jackson Street.

The number of people that filled Jackson Street on Friday night was believed to be in the hundreds. It was reported to be the largest crowd in Pottsville since last Cruise Night or maybe even since the last "cheddar cheese" give-away at the Salvation Army. East Side historians rivaled the number of people to the day the East Side swimming pool closed and everyone walked over to the JFK Pool blocking Route 61 for four hours. Anyone interested in further reading on that historical exodus can read an earlier blog on this site, "Let My People Swim."
Lastly, from the Eagles Club, the Pottsville's Surgeon General, interrupting his normal Friday night routine, tweeted a medical alert on his blackberry. He warned that any continued vigil and moonwalking could be catastrophic to the metropolitan area as the normal flow of police cars, fire trucks, ambulances, and Domino deliveries is jeopardized, bringing gridlock to the vast area east of the Boulevard.
Another of his tweets indicated he needed an olive for his martini if anyone was passing by Second Street. Green, not black.

Jackson Street

The City Street Department has issued the following public announcement:

It is understandable that hundreds of fans are flocking to Jackson Street on the City's east side, placing flowers and holding up lit candles in honor of the late King of Pop, but the hilly street must be kept open at all times. It is recommended that people stay off of that street and remain on the sidewalks. The city curfew will be strictly enforced.

People should be aware that Jackson Street was never named in honor of Michael Jackson, nor LaToya, nor even our beloved Janet. According to the consensus of researchers at the Historical Society, the street was named in honor of the late major league baseball player, Shoeless Joe Jackson (although one researcher was adament that the street was named in honor of American Idol Judge Randy Jackson). Shoeless was obviously honored due to the deep love and affection the citizenry of the city had, and still has, for illegal sports betting.

If you do plan to spend anytime on Jackson Street in memory of Michael, or you are there just to hang out, please remember that the City Ordinance banning outdoor fires will be strictly enforced. It is recommended that you bring a flashlight (or a jar of fire flies) to hold up rather than a candle. I repeat that this street must remain open to all vehicular traffic, especially ambulances, police cars and Domino pizza deliveries.

Lastly, "Moonwalking" could pose a serious and potentially life-threatening hazard if done on any hilly surface, especially if one is overweight. The Pottsville's Surgeon General is strongly urging that all moonwalking be done one flat surfaces such as the site of the former (Shoeless Joe) Jackson Street School, located at the corner of East Norwegian and (Shoeless Joe) Jackson Street- or, better yet, in the middle of Claude Lord Boulevard. Very flat...flatest part of Pottsville....The city moonwalking ordinance will be strictly enforced.

polka: the final insult

I nearly fell off my roof the other day. Not the roof at my primary home but my summer home in Gilberton. Well, not really my summer home... but my time share. I was up there trying to get my antenna ready for the big day, June 12 th; the day when television reception signals were scrambled. I don’t know about you, but I recommend having the large Australian rabbit ear antenna on the roof. It helps with getting clearer reception for Baywatch.
I had always been reluctant to sign up for cable tv even though cable television was created in Mahanoy City, not far from my summer time share. I refuse to pay for something that I can get for free. It doesn’t matter if it involves television or my love life. It must be my upbringing.
Don’t think that I was never tempted to hook-up with cable television or a satellite dish. I often thought about it. I am envious of cable subscribers who can watch the bulletin board on Comcast Channel 7 or Pottsville Station Channel 15 throughout the day. But luckily through the kindness of friends I have amassed a great bulletin board video library.
I nearly fell off of the roof that day because Mammy yelled up and told me that the Grammy Award Show has stripped Polka of its recognition as music. It was a shock I will never forget. No more awards to a polka band! To add insult to injury, all past polka recipients must return their awards accompanied by a written apology. It was the saddest day of my life since Pluto was stripped of its status as a planet. It brought back memories of the day Jim Thorpe had to return his Olympics medals and then face banishment in Mauch Chunk.
The Polka Industry should have listened to me. I tried to warn them. I was a voice crying out in the wilderness. I told them that the music needed to become hip and relevant. I suggested that twenty per cent of all future polka albums use such terms as ‘ho,’ ‘bizzle,’ ‘big behind,’ 'pimp’ and ‘gettin' jiggy.’ If the vocalists were too prudish to use such terms in english, then they could slip them in songs using Polish or Russian slang. Crude word usage such as 'cichodajka,' 'bljad', and 'dupek' may have helped save the grammy recognition.

I also told them that their dress had to be modernized. I said, “…get more gold chains…. let your underwear show…and for God’s sake,get your noses and eyebrows pierced…” Maybe they should appear in public only wearing their socks, just like the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I told them to dump the upbeat melodies and focus more on pain, despair and death. I told them to get rid of the E-I-E-I-Os and introduce guttural roars, grunts, snarls, and low gurgles. I also told them to get some woman onstage during the next Pierogi Bowl, maybe Mrs. T herself, and have a "wardrobe malfunction," like Janet Jackson had at the Superbowl several years ago. But no one listened to me, not Happy Louie, not Joe Stanky, not even Little Andy himself. Even though this is what the public wants, the polka industry refused to change course, and now the polka industry is finished, worthless as my unused tickets for the Lakewood Roller Coaster.

I carefully got down from the roof and went into the parlor to wait for the government to scramble my television reception from analog into digital. Mammy was scared; she remembered what had happened to our computer when the millennium started. “Will the remote control now adversely affect her pacemaker?” “Will the Prince of Belair still remain fresh?” “Will the same old crap still be on?” We held each other tight and shared a cigarette; waiting for the moment to arrive. “Would the NBC Peacock begin molting, shedding its feathers?” “Would Law and Order have too much Order and not enough Law?” “Will Morley be any Safer?”

All the while my mind drifted back to the shabby treatment given the Polka. I swore that day that if my tv set still worked I would never watch the Grammies ever again. Instead I would watch some of my old analog tapes of the Community Bulletin Board.

When the big day came the government mandated change-over was actually easier than back in the late 1970s,when everyone was forced to convert from eight-track to cassette.

thoughts on swine flu & bleenia

The self-proclaimed Pottsville Surgeon General had a press conference on Comcast Channel 15 the other day. He discussed the prevention of swine flu, the things we can do to minimize its severity, as well as other ideas to help us through this crisis.

Here is a summary of his suggestions:

*Don’t get friendly with any unfamiliar pigs.
*If your sneezes sound more like "oink" than "achoo"

you probably are infected.
*When dining out, Frank's hot sauce generally will kill bacteria. Use it liberally.
*Cigarette smoke can kill any airborne bacteria that are aiming right at you.
*Avoid Kevin Bacon movies.
*Fill your piñatas only with Sudafed.
*When departing from the Zerbe Airport, wear your hazmat suit.
*Avoid crowded areas; shop at the Schuylkill Mall.
*If infected, just calmly tell others you have a mild case of monkeypox.
*Boilo!

I appreciated these helpful hints so much that I went downtown to thank him personally at his office at the old Warne Clinic which is (sort of) at Second and Mahantongo Streets. I say “sort of” as the doctor works out of an old Chrysler in the parking structure.
He still is distraught that the old downtown hospital has been knocked down. Yes, the Warne Clinic used to be at that corner but it was razed to make room for parking.
If you go to find him, you can spot him as he generally is wearing his stethoscope, a “Nurses Call the Shots” button; he also has a pack of Camels rolled up in his sleeve and is holding a defibrillator.

If he is not there, you can wait for his return in his car and read magazines or else try tracking him down at the Eagles Club.

I remember the last medical uproar which caught the county without warning. That was the great Bleenia Scare of the late 1970s. That was when many of the counties best and brightest youngsters developed an overwhelming craving for bleenies, and suffering all of the dire consequences. A generation truly at risk of being hooked on potato pancakes. This also put a strain on both the county potato crop, onion crop, not to mention our fledgling sour cream industry.
Yes, the surgeon general warned that too many bleenies could be hazardous to one’s health - but no one listened to him. No one believed that bleenies could be addictive. His warnings of the pending “frying pandemic” went unheeded. He was laughed at and scorned. But soon the local out-patient dispensaries were overflowing with hundreds of young people complaining about stomach cramps brought on by this overeating of these greasy potato cakes, as well as a noticable increase in acne.
The uncelebrated surgeon general had been a prophet way ahead of his time; crying out to everyone at all the local block parties; attempting to stop the madness of overconsumption of bleenies.
Now, thankfully, all bleenie stands must have the Surgeon General’s Warnings posted boldly in both English and Cyrillic. You know those bright yellow signs that warn against consuming six or more bleenies before swimming, and warn against squeezing the paper plate for its oil and then trying to use it as a tanning lotion.
Like we are so stupid that we need these warnings.

To fight the pandemic Channel 15 soon broadcasted a live telethon from the Pottsville parking lot along Route 61, featuring top notch county singers, polka dancers and dog acts, who despite professional jealousies, worked together to raise research funds needed to eradicate the scourge of the dreaded bleenia before another young person got hooked and gorged himself silly.
All in all, $427.00 was raised by the end of the show.

Actually before the show’s last act, the total was over $600, but then people started to call in cancelling their pledges. The disgruntled donors thought the money was going to fight bulimia, not bleenia, and they wanted their money back. I was one of them.

Within days a vaccine was released to the public. Now every middle-school child is immunized against bleenia. One rarely hears about bleenia anymore.

When was the last time you heard about any outbreak of bleenia west of Minsk? But one never knows. Hopefully you are up to date with your booster shot.

There are now more important ailments to fight such as the Swine Flu, obviously, but also Sniffles, Scabies, Hickies, Cell Phone Elbow, Disco Fever, Winter Carnival Depression, Irritable Wife Disorder, Foot in Mouth Disease, Restless Buttocks Syndrome (a/k/a The Hippy Hippy Shakes), Semicolonitis, Compulsive Twittering, the Heebie Jeebies and so many others.

Watch the telethons to fight these epidemics (err..pandemics) on Channel 15 this summer.