Breaking News! Trout enters rehab

Unheralded and superficial dilettante, bb trout, is asking for a temporary leave of absence from his blog while he seeks professional treatment in the wake of his Twitter scandal.

His so-called common law wife, Mammie Trout, said that he would leave for professional treatment after he picks up a dozen sticky buns at Renninger’s Market, and will focus on "becoming a better common law husband and healthier person, probably in that order, but it is too early to say for sure."

The statement doesn't say what Trout would be treated for. There are conflicting stories circulating about his on-going sticky bun addiction as well as his inappropriate tweets and pokes. Schuylkill County's Warne Clinic, by the way, is noted for the treatment of food addictions and trout had been treated there in the past for bleenia (obsessive consumption of potato pancakes, preferably with onions). It is rumored that trout may be admitted there under an alias.

Just before the release of the statement, the leading Schuylkill County officials demanded that Trout step down as publisher of his blog and give up plans to run for Jury Commissioner in 2013.

"This sordid affair has become an unacceptable distraction for Mr. Trout, his so-called common law wife, and the children he sired through multiple relationships, including one with his cleaning lady. It is time for him to quit and get out of here. The office of county jury commissioner demands more of a candidate.”
Before Saturday afternoon's developments, trout told reporters in Pine Grove that "I have to redeem myself and I am going to try to get back to work. I let people down by failing to attend the Kiebossi Festival the other week. Sorry, folks! I will make it up to you. I also apologize to the five or six people who follow the blog religiously and were expecting a new article in early June."
Mr Trout’s handling of the scandal has been a public relations disaster. On Tuesday, he argued with a WPAM correspondent outside the Eagle’s Club on South Second Street in Pottsville, at one point calling the producer a “stick in the mud” and an “upstart” By Wednesday, he changed tactics, apologizing. He did interviews with WPPA, WMBT, and Sam Lasante. His attempts to inject humor into the controversy fell flat. “When your name is Trout, you get a lot of people who think everything you say sounds fishy. I made a total bass out of myself,” he told Sam.

Most puzzling to the media was Mr trout’s claim that he “could not say with certitude” whether the underwear in the photograph were his. “Don’t be koi, trout! You would know if this was your underpants, Didn't you notice the JP Morgan label? Isn't it true that you only wear underpants made in Tamaqua? It's time to come clean, Mr. Trout,” Lasante said incredulously as he waived the incriminating photograph in front of him.

Trout insisted that his Twitter, Facebook, and MySpace accounts had all been hacked and that he had been a victim of prank, joke or hoax by his opponents who were trying to sabotage his expected run for the office of jury commissioner in 2013 by sending tweets out to the entire membership of the Frackville D.A.R., the Sisters of Christian Charity and the Pine Grove Eastern Star. "I've been punked!"

It was Saturday that he fessed up to all of the photographs, prompting the release of the statement from Mammie Trout, his so-called common-law wife (who is finally getting some sympathy from the public). Apparently his problem began many years ago, before their on-again, off-again relationship had even started. It was at that time (long before Al Gore invented the internet) that trout drew an explicit self-portrait of himself on his Etch-A-Sketch and passed it around the Eagle's Club for all to see.
Apparently he spiralled downwards ever since.

The breaking point was his tweeting of an interesting close-up photo (taken in his house) of his junk.

Schuylkill County History (chapter One)

The true but condensed history of Schuylkill County

Chapter One : The legend of Necho Allen

Prior to settlement by early pioneers, the area we now know as Schuylkill County, was indeed one vast wilderness. More wooly and wild than even Shenandoah today. Native Americans (or "Indians" as they were referred to prior to the Hindu Temple being built in South Manheim Township) ruled the southern area. These original inhabitants had not yet gone into the casino business and used the area primarily for hunting and fishing.
The first German settlers made camp in the southern part of the county and kept a watchful eye on these Delaware and Nanicoke Indians who were allies of the French during the French and Indian War (now the French and Native American War).
Luckily for us the British won the war or else we would all being be eating crepes, Roquefort cheese, fondue, and our women would not be shaving their legs.
Soon after beating the French and Native Americans, Pennsylvanians soured on the British and independence was fought for and won. The area we now know as Schuylkill was then a part of Berks County. After the colonies won the war, resentment began to build as the early Pennsylvania German settlers wanted nothing to do with the Pagoda, the Berks shogun warriors and the imperial city of Reading. They wanted to eat their shnitzels and sauerkraut with forks and knives and not chop sticks. It seemed as if civil war would break out but luckily cool heads prevailed and Schuylkill County (the southern part only) was born in 1811. The northern part was still uninhabited and yet to be discovered. Necho Allen would be the first to explore this area.
And independence came just in the nick of time. Necho Allen discovered coal in the county when he camped out on the Broad Mountain.
The story of Necho Allen is fascinating. While never reaching the fame that his siblings, Frodo, Chico and Charo achieved, Necho, in comfortable middle age, led a group of dwarves and hobbits on a quest to reclaim the Broad Mountain and its treasure from the dragon Smaug. Along the way Necho encountered frantastic creatures, including trolls, elves, and goblins. Today, some of the descendants of these creatures are still visible at Renninger’s Market.
While at the base of the Broad Mountain after an exhausting day of picking huckleberries, Necho built a fire and began to toast some stale marshmallows. This would be the first reported toasting of marshmallows in the New World. He was awakened by a great heat and light and stayed up all night trying to figure out what was going on. He thought that he may be a new Moses. This was the same night that Necho Allen created S’mores by placing a toasted marshmallow on a slice of chocolate which was placed between two graham crackers.
Necho Allen never made one single halfpence from his two discoveries. After realizing that his campfire was built on a outcrop of anthracite coal and the fire could not be put out, he quickly left the area for the Green Mountains of Vermont lest he face arrest for attempting to cause a catastrophe.
Back in Vermont he tried his hand in the confectionary candy business creating the Necho Wafer which brought him some financial security. He also penned some long forgotten songs, but had one hit “Baby, It’s Coal Outside” which is played every December in the tap room that bears his name.
The death of Necho Allen remains a mystery. Legend has it that he died accidentally while waterskiing on Lake Champlain. No one knows for sure.
His discovery of both anthracite coal and S’mores would soon fall into the hands of the cunning and crafty Stephen Girard, who would soon become the richest man in the universe. Girard would soon clean his S’mores-covered fingers with the finest linen napkins made by the women who worked in the Pottsville Full Tilt Silk Mills and throw them away in his coal stove.

- end of chapter one - quote the Raven "Never S'more."

holiday traditions

My holiday season has been great so far. It started off early with a huge multi-ethnic breakfast at home combining the best of Chanukah, Christmas and Chwanzaa - The three C's as we call them. While the rest of my extended family enjoyed the potato latkes, I consumed the thick Pennsylvania Dutch thick ham, all smothered with pineapples, cloves and drenched in raisin sauce. Why? Well it is important to eat fruit during the winter months to keep regular - I highly recommend this meal to everyone.

Years ago we used to walk around the downtowns to shop and look at the festive displays. These downtowns no longer exist as we knew them, and ditto with the Malls. Psst...have you been in Steve & Barry's or Value City lately? So our newest family tradition is to walk around Renninger’s Market and take in the sights of the season there.

It is a great festive place to get support stocking stuffers, and even the support stockings to stuff or to wear.

After parking our SUV on the grounds (warning: there is no valet parking) we immediately entered the grand Hall and headed to the booth to get tickets for the one of the best kept secrets in the area. No, I am not talking about what really goes on in the local township massage parlors; I am talking about The Sounds of Light and Ice Christmas Show. The show has become so popular that you need to reserve tickets ahead of time.

Yes, we all know that Renninger’s Market is renowned for its architecture, boutiques, fine dining and people watching. It is a pop culture phenomena often compared to Venice Beach in California, but many are unaware that it transforms itself every winter into a wonderland filled with colorful displays and fragrant aromas (a combination of poinsettas and smoked sausage); and almost no one knows of the dazzling ice skating extravaganza on the pond which is located behind that exclusive shop that sells used hubcaps and rusty tools. This show puts the Mummers’ Ferko String Band to shame when it comes to old fashioned holiday family entertainment.

With a few hours to wait until show time, we strolled the aisles with the other hundreds of serious sophisticated shoppers all looking for those specials gift for those special someones among the dizzying array of merchandise for sale. Mammy bought some pre-owned VHS tapes – including the complete Saw series - and a tee shirt that proclaims “I’m With Stupid.”

While I trying to figure out who her special someone is, I bought three pounds of frozen herring. We then sat in on the auction for two hours placing bids on every thing that was offered for sale - from Artic boots to Yahtsee games.

Looking at our watches that we purchased earlier at of the many bally-hooed kiosks, we filled up our paper plates with Nachos and cheese and headed out to the bleachers set up for the show. The view was perfect from our seats as the larger Marketeers sat behind us. The music was piped in from the auctioneer’s amplifier while we watched the supersized skaters perform on the ice in their native costumes of bib blue jeans. The pond is not arena size but it is adequate for the half-dozen skaters that dazzled us with pure energy. At one point we thought that some of these skaters might fall through the ice but it did not happen, disappointing the little ones in the audience. Maybe next year kids.
While there is no dancing fountain to watch, you might occasionally see someone shake up a birch beer letting it spurt into the air. If you want to see dancing fountains, I say go to Longwood Gardens, but if you want some good birch beer, then come to Renninger’s Market, available for your consumption at one of the many chic funnel cake and french fry stands that are nestled on the premises.
The enchanting music, by the way, is supplied by North Manheim Steamshovel, an eclectic group of local road crew workers and Rest Haven residents performing holiday pop music with synthesizers as well as the traditional Schuylkill County instrument, the flutophone, in a New Age style.

Yes, North Manheim Township is noted, not only for its red light, adult entertainment district that is bustling along Route 61, but also for its Christmas extravaganza at “The Market.”
I recommend that you take in both this holiday season.

Intelligent Design

Well I'll be a monkey's uncle. February 12th is Charles Darwin's birthday.



What did you think of the Dover School District “Intelligent Design” trial where the plaintiffs argued that the teaching of “intelligent design” is nothing more than biblical teaching of creationism camouflaged in scientific language? The defendants had argued that “intelligent design” means there is some greater power at work and that Darwin’s theory is inadequate to account for the sheer complexity of living things.
The judge was given this Solomon’s task of deciding whether or not there was scientific proof of God’s existence, and if so, deciding whether or not God should be permitted to enter a biology class of a public school. He was also to determine whether the Hail Mary Pass could be used as a football play on public fields.
The trial got off to a rocky start when the plaintiffs demanded to be sworn in by raising their right hands on a copy of “Popular Science” magazine rather than the customary bible that so many witnesses have lied on…I mean relied on…. in the past.
As I said, the plaintiffs’ case was based on the premise that there is absolutely no scientific evidence that there is anything intelligent about the universe whatsoever, and that we owe our existence, not to God, but to the random mutations that have occurred since the “big bang” went off accidentally. While the judge did not permit any reference to either Fred or Wilma Flintstone, he did permit much evidence that was related to Schuylkill County. I will review these facts with you now.
The county connections can be found by perusing the thousands of exhibits introduced at the trial. For instance, the videotape introduced as Plaintiff’s Exhibit #101 captioned “Renninger’s Market on a Sunday afternoon” was more than convincing that intelligent design couldn’t be true. After watching this four hour tape, I was persuaded that no higher being would take credit for what was seen on that tape. Certainly the deity would take the Fifth Amendment if asked. If you don’t believe me then just head south on Route 61 any Sunday afternoon, roam around for a while and observe. While your there, pick up a dozen donuts, some tee shirts, old tools and assorted vegetables.

Days later the plaintiffs called Pottsville’s own Billie Payne as a hostile witness and had her identify photographs entitled “Pottsville May Fair.” A large gasp was heard in the courtroom when these pictures were enlarged for everyone in the courtroom to see. Was a picture of the Pottsville street festival depicting one obese shirtless man eating funnel cake compelling proof of the “random mutation” theory?
The plaintiffs introduced an old Bavarian beer bottle as Exhibit #421 and then introduced a Yuengling beer can as Exhibit #422. These exhibits presented a simple example of the progress made by beer containers over the years. The clumsy glass bottle was hard to open, heavy to hold and was to be returned to the distributor for a deposit refund. The new beer can was easy to open, light to hold and easily discarded along the highway after consumption. This was proof of the theory of evolution.
The same logic was used when an old Pottsville High Yearbook was introduced featuring the majorettes and cheerleaders of the 1930s and then compared with the 21st century Yearbooks. Certainly the contrast of majorettes and cheerleaders over the years proved the case for evolution – it was without a doubt that girls were getting hotter and better looking over time. “Which ones would you want to go out with?” asked the fiery attorney to the witness. While there was certainly no doubt as to the correct answer, the learned judge sustained an objection and the witness did not have to answer (to the relief of his wife sitting in the second row).
Dozens of witnesses testified for the plaintiffs. On cross-examination, they all admitted that it had been utter chaos to travel through Pottsville while the sewer lines were being replaced. The defense argued that the city streets during the project was an admission of a “living hell” and therefore of an afterlife.
Very puzzling indeed, but the plaintiffs were slowly building a case that there was clear and convincing evidence that there is no deity, or if there is a deity, he is playing one hell of a joke on all of us, especially those of us who drove through Pottsville during the sewer line project.

This former altar boy was left completely baffled and bewildered. What if there was no purpose to life? What if it is all a cosmic accident? What if coaches were actually forbidden to allow a Hail Mary Pass during the final seconds of a football game?
The defense’s case crumbled. The court ruled that no intelligent design could be behind either the Pottsville May Fair, Hegins Pigeon Shoot, or the Pierogie Bowl. Intelligent Design could not be taught in the biology class, but the Hail Mary Pass could remain on the football field.
Did this mean that God did not exist? Not really. I thought of the words of the world’s most revered scientist, Albert Einstein … “The most beautiful and most profound experience is the sensation of the mystical. It is the sower of all true science… Science without religion is lame. Religion without science is blind.”
I now felt at peace and turned on the Jerry Springer Show to watch random mutation in action.