Friday, July 3, 2015

The American Revolution as interpreted by b b trout




            



For over a century, immigrants came to North America from Europe in search of economic opportunities.  For example, once they arrived, “cash only” pizza shops quickly sprouted up and down the Atlantic coast. They also came for religious freedom.  Soon a smart entrepreneur came up with the idea of Kwanzaa to rival Christmas in terms of merchantability. “Only in America.”  However these early settlements were established under the control of the European Monarchs and the settlers were expected to be loyal.


It was not easy for these early immigrants. There were no cities, no paved roads, no shopping malls, no GPS, and no air conditioning.  All they found were trees and rivers.  Everything had to be built by hand. Actually by hands. By using both hands, their work load was dramatically shortened.  Today, most of us living outside of Pottsville are blessed with paved roads.


Religious persecution was prevalent in Europe, and many of the immigrants were thankful that they would soon have shopping malls opened on Easter and Christmas where they could do mindless shopping without fear of beheading. However it would take many years until Benjamin Franklin opened the first shopping mall – the Schuylkill Mall- where he could fly his kite in the immense parking lot.  The Mall has not changed since that time and kite flying is more prevalent than ever there.


As generations came and went, a sense of being an American took hold, replacing the old sense of pride of being just a displaced European - except in certain areas of the country, such as Girardville, where in 2015, everyone in town still wears a button asking to be kissed because they think they are Irish and not American. 


Most Colonists began to tire of hearing about Europe and whether one should be kissed or not because of Gaelic breath. When watching TV these colonists wanted the weather girl to give them local forecasts. They were not concerned about the dew count in London or Holland or France.  They wanted traffic reports about the King's Highway that led to Sunbury, not traffic reports from overseas. They also became displeased with the costs of trade restrictions, making it more difficult to sell “American-made” goods, such as hip hop records, overseas. They were stuck with these hip hop records, and we still suffer the consequences today.


Except for those living in Girardville, the colonists began to view themselves as separate from Europe, and identified with the new colonial states as being independent from the mother country. Also King George III, who was King of England, got his country into an expensive war with France. Although he managed to increase England’s territory in the Americas by taking over former French colonies such as Canada and, closer to home, Tremont - it came at a high price.


To cover the costs of war, King George began to impose lots of taxes on the American colonies.  He even threatened to impose taxes on goods sold over the internet and for that he was called "Mad" King George, as the internet was yet to be discovered. The first tax  he came up with was called the Stamp Tax which required all printed materials to have a stamp placed on them.  


Colonists were were outraged, and responded by boycotting all British goods including English Leather Aftershave, Billy London clothing and Spice Girls albums.  Things got out of hand and the Arthur Treacher's Fish and Chips Restaurant in Cressona was ransacked and burned to the ground. These fired up Americans also refused to place the stamp on any of their printed materials.  Magazines were gaining in popularity,  especially those that featured women of professional wrestling.
 

Many of the colonists began crying - "No taxation without representation!"  Those words became an instant sound-bite on the early cable network news stations.  King George soon caved in and magazines and the other reading materials no longer had to have a stamp.  However, new taxes were imposed on iced tea of all things.  This outraged the colonists to no end as they were hooked on Guers iced tea from the age of five, just like me.


Many refused to pay the tax.  In order to enforce these new tax laws, British officials requested military troops to aid them. This led to a bloody confrontation that became known as the New Boston Massacre.


The tax on the iced tea remained and in protest, men dressed up as Indians destroyed a truck load of iced tea that was being delivered to Brok-Sels.  To this day no one knows why the men did not simply drink the tea rather than waste it.


Without their iced tea, colonists began to suffer the symptoms of caffeine withdrawal and became more agitated. I don't know about you but  I need at least four half-pints a day. 

King George then imposed more restrictions upon the colonists, such as requiring helmets to be worn when riding on horseback. Again, more agitation to an already cranky population suffering from caffeine withdrawal.


Colonists in the Americas became increasingly convinced that they needed to take more aggressive steps in order to protect themselves and their liberty. They did not want to wear helmets on top of their pilgrim hats. That was intolerable.  Rumors circulated that smoking would be banned anywhere but the smokehouse.


Soon delegates from all 13 colonies convened in New Philadelphia to work as a group.  Resolutions were soon passed requesting that helmet laws be repealed and that all bakers be required to make cakes for gay weddings whether the cakes were ordered or not, or the cakes paid for in cash or on credit card. 


Tensions increased and soon all hell would break loose.  The men in the colonies prepared to protect their liberty by forming groups known as the Minutemen, a name given to them by their wives for some unknown reason. 


Before you know it Paul Revere and the Raiders began shouting "The Redcoats are coming!" (another sound-bite picked up by cable network news) and then sang their hit song that was sweeping the Colonies, "Cherokee Nation."  The crowds went wild. 
These events inspired Thomas Jefferson to write the Declaration of Independence in 1776. The Revolution in America began in earnest (actually in New Philadelphia, and not in Earnest).

                     The rest is history, or so you think. 

Today we celebrate this joyous occasion of liberty that all men and women are created equal to be free to drink as much iced tea as humanly possible, and that no helmets have to be worn when we ride a horse regardless of head size, that Arthur Treacher's Fish and Chips will never return to Cressona, and finally, that bakers are now forced under penalty of law to immediately bake cakes for any wedding, regardless of the flavor of the cake or the number of tiers requested, or whether their ovens are in working order or not. 
               Isn't that what freedom is all about?


                                                    
                                 God Bless America. 

                 

Friday, April 3, 2015

Lager Jogger helpful information




With the approach of the Lager Jogger Run in Pottsville, many visitors will arrive in the city.  This will bring about the exposure of these visitors with the native population.  To avoid any problems the city has been distributing a leaflet in the downtown area. The leaflet is to educate the natives as well as the visitor runners. Here are the contents of the leaflet:



1.     Visitors will be in Pottsville to participate in a “run.” Such a concept is peculiar to many of the downtown residents who prefer to waddle, stagger and meander about, going to and fro, for no particular reason. In fact, most Pottsville residents consider running as a means of transportation only if the police are in hot pursuit of them.   
2.    Pottsville locals are prone to hamstring pulls by any sudden movement. Last year there were numerous visits to the hospital for hamstring pulls caused by scratching lottery rub-off tickets too fast. Residents are again urged to avoid any sudden movement.
3.    Local residents should not mistake the finishing line for a police crime scene tape.
4.    Pottsville residents should not offer cigarettes to the runners as they pass by. Residents should keep their cigarettes for themselves, their significant others, random hook-ups, and children of random hook-ups.  The cost of cigarettes is now ridiculously high; let the runners buy their own friggin' smokes.
5.    Runners, after completion of the race, may comb their hair. Such a concept is culturally foreign to many of the residents and may even frighten some.  Residents should not be alarmed by hair combing. It is not done for checking ticks or head lice.  The Pottsville Surgeon General has issued a report that hair combing is not contagious.  
6.     Residents that wear pajamas on the street may cause some runners to get confused about the time, and they may believe that it is night time.  Residents who meander, stagger and waddle about, going to and fro in pajamas are asked to cover-up with bathrobes until the race is complete.  
7.    Pottsville locals are reminded that the race takes place at 9:00 A.M., which may interfere with their sleep.  Locals should not call 9-1-1 to complain about the noise of the starter gun waking them up.
8.    Runners often consume food high in carbohydrates before a race.  Locals should stock up on their food essentials before Friday.  However no one should panic as the city will begin setting up the May Fair funnel cake and French fry stands this Thursday.
9.    If it is a sunny day and the temperature goes above 60 degrees, local men are requested to keep their shirts when walking on the sidewalks as to avoid sun glare bouncing off of their pasty bodies, which could distract the runners. Same goes for the women.
10. Local residents are requested not to waste their money on the race, but rather support our local businesses by investing in more tattoos. A race lasts less than an hour, tattoos are forever.


                                           THE FOLLOWING VIDEO HAS
                                             BEEN ENDORSED BY THE
                                       POTTSVILLE SURGEON GENERAL
                                         BEER: HEALTHIER THAN RUNNING

                                                             

Thursday, March 5, 2015

Criminal Investigation to be Launched







Confidential Informant inside the courthouse

Reliable sources confidential to Beansoup for the Soul have told me that the District Attorney’s Office may soon receive $250,000 in state grants to enhance its investigation of witch doctors and other sorcerers that plague our beloved county.  The grants supposedly are part of more than $10 million being allocated to state-wide district attorneys’ offices, made through the state’s newly announced program funded from through the new tattoo tax.   
Suspects to be rounded up election-eve
 

The grants will fund personnel, including investigators, assistant district attorneys, exorcists and assorted cronies and hanger-ons who build cases for prosecution cases under section 7104 of the Pennsylvania Crimes Code, which makes it a misdemeanor of the third degree for anyone to pretend for gain to predict future events by spells or incantations.  


My sources also told me that the annual election-eve drug sweep will be scrapped this year in favor of an election-eve sweep of all those who participated in any shape, form or manner (not necessarily in that order) in the recent Hoodie Hoo Day festivities.  This includes all Pennsylvania Dutch pow wow shamans, conjurers, soothsayers, mombos as well as any citizen who conspired foolishly to chant the gibberish in hopes of altering the weather with this hocus-pocus.  

Take a look out your window, for cryin' out loud!!! It's March 5th....it's like Antarctica outside!! the chanting to change the weather was one big gigantic fraud!!! The weather was not altered one degree!! The cold weather may even impact the Pottsville St. Patrick's Parade as I was told it might have to be held indoors at the Humane Fire House.


Lastly, it has been reported that a substantial reward will soon be offered for capture of Punxsutawney Phil, dead or alive.