closing criteria

I was able to obtain a document which supposedly contains the criteria used by the Diocese in its decision to close certain parish churches. Whether it is authentic or not is up to you. I think it is a hoax.

Guidelines for determining whether parish church remains opened or should be closed

1. PHYSICAL APPEARANCE
A. Roof and structure in good condition. Five Points.
B. Pews graffiti-free and polished. Five Points.
C. Kneelers free of rips and tears. Two Points
D. Indoor restroom facilities clean and spotless. Five Points
E. Fresh Holy Water in font. Five Points
F. Energy Efficient Heating and Cooling System. Five Points
G. Off-street Parking for more than ten vehicles. Five Points
H. Confessional handicapped accessible. Five Points

I. American, Vatican,, and Ireland flags ironed and in clean condition. Fifty-five Points


2. PARISH MEMBERSHIP
A. Number of members has increased over the past ten years. Ten Points
B. Active Choir that sings in key most of the time. Five Points
C. Active Women’s Guild. Five Points
D. Active Holy Name Society. Five Points
E. A majority of members gave positive reviews to “Sister Act.” Five Points
F. A majority of members are Notre Dame Football fans. Twenty-five points
G. A majority of members keep both holy water and Jameson’s Whiskey in their homes. Twenty-five Points
H. Active Hibernian Society. Twenty-five Points
I. Active Women’s Auxiliary of Hibernian Society. Twenty Points
J. More than fifty per cent of members have surnames that end in letters I, O, Y, or Z. Minus Fifty Points

3. FINANCIAL
A. Parish treasury is in the black. Twenty Points
B. Bazaar or Picnic held every summer. Ten Points
C At least three gambling wheels at Bazaar. Ten Points
D. Fifty-fifty chances sold at every Bazaar. Ten Points
E. Bingo games held regularly. Ten Points
F. No delinquent electric, oil, coal or incense bills. Ten Points
G. Parish had sponsored a “Half-Way to St. Patrick’s Day” party in September. Eighty Points
H. Fish dinners served just for the halibut. Five Points

I. St. Patrick’s Day dinner held yearly. Eighty Points
J. Parish sponsored bus trip to see The Irish Tenors. Eighty Points

Consolidations, Closings and Mergers

The recent news concerning consolidations, mergers and closings in the area brought back tears and sad memories of similar events from the past. What I am talking about is the great theatre mergers of the 1970s.

I can remember when movie theatres were plentiful in the area. Orwigsburg had the Orpheum, Minersville had the Ritz, Pine Grove had its Adult Drive-In and Pottsville had The Capitol. It was in the early 1970’s that most theatres merged into one giant “United” at the Schuylkill Mall in Frackville. This was extremely controversial in the Pottsville area especially as The Capitol was a spectacular building and many of us did not want it torn down even though the Oasis Bar had an urgency for more parking spots for patrons.

I remember taking the current Mrs. Trout’s predecessor to the Capitol Theatre in 1970 to snuggle and watch “Love Story.” I remember hearing that dreadful announcement in the middle of the film, just when Oliver yelled out "I'm King of the World," that the theatre was closing and everyone had to leave. We were told that a roof cave-in would soon occur to assure that no one would sneak back in to watch the end of the film. Everyone was ordered to get on the bus destined for Frackville to view the rest of the film or just wait several years until the VCR is invented, when it could be watched in one’s own home. We pushed and shoved out of the Theatre that fateful evening but refused to get on that East Penn Bus. We were able to make a get-away, hidden by the thick exhaust emitted by the East Penn bus, and headed over to the Eagles Bar on Second Street to snuggle and drown our sorrows in some Yuengling.

We never did find out the ending of “Love Story” to this day.

I can never get over the loss of The Capitol. Trouts, for generations, went there for entertainment. It was the most gorgeous theatre in eastern Pennsylvania. I keep an old photograph of Grandpappy Trout at the Theatre attending the showing of “Birth of A Nation.” Look closely at the photograph; that’s Grandpappy wearing the white sheets walking down the ramp to the Orchestra floor. Here are other photos depicting the theatre’s marble crystal chandeliers. All of the opulence is gone now, and so is grandpappy. All I have left are these photographs and his old white sheets.

What was behind this consolidation thinking? Some blamed it on the shortage of theatre projectionists. “Not enough of them to service all of those theatres.” I am not sure if that was true. Mammy Trout says that maybe women should have been permitted to be projectionists. But no, the Hollywood moguls said that tradition dictated that all projectionists must be male, reminding those critics that Thomas Edison was a man - as were every succeeding projectionist. Women can sell tickets up front in the booth, and sell cotton candy and be usherettes, but they can never be projectionists, even at PG-13 movies.

Others blame demographics. There were not enough people in Schuylkill County who wanted to watch movies in a theatre anymore. I noticed this decline ever since “The Molly McGuires” movie left town, but local economists held that the decline in patronage was basically attributed to the competition from television’s popular shows such as Hee-Haw and Hogan’s Heroes which kept the citizenry glued to their sofas and bean bag chairs.
Decreasing revenues was another reason given. Concession stand profits were way down. If you recall, Orville Redenbacker had cornered the popcorn commodies, while at the same time the price of Jujube candy soared due to demand from Third World countries and Wilkes-Barre. The usual five pound box of Jujubes skyrocketed in Schuylkill County resulting in rationing by our commissioners.

Several held lawyers responsible. Yes, there were the lawsuits resulting in big payouts to all of those young movie goers, who decades later, came down with cataracts supposedly from wearing those Illusion-O ghostviewers handed out during the screenings of “The 13 Ghosts.” back in 1960.

A final argument for the consolidations was the high cost of maintaining the old buildings. A smaller box-like theatre in the Mall would be more economical to heat and air-condition than palaces such as The Capitol Theatre, which seated over 2700 persons (depending on each person’s girth). The Capitol was designed in an ornate Spanish Colonial style, due to its proximity to Jalappa, with elaborate art-deco plasterwork throughout. It was too much for one old cleaning lady to maintain anymore. But while cinder blocks are definitely easier to clean and maintain, it lacks any soul or personality. I still love that old Capitol Theatre. And Love means never having to say you’re sorry. I heard that corny line in some old movie I saw years ago.

I think it was The Titanic.