Polka Club memories

I was at the Altamont Free Festival back in the late nineteen sixties. You know, the legendary celebration held in the south end of Frackville. How did I hear about it? Well, I was sitting at the counter at Phaon’s Diner waiting for my scrapple breakfast, listening to my Toshiba transistor radio which was tuned to the WPPA Sunday morning Polka show. It was difficult to hear polka music in my native west end of the county so I had to set the radio next to the window to get clearer reception. That is when I first heard that a free concert was planned to be held in Altamont with an intoxicating line-up of the county’s best bands. Later Yak Tam Billy Urban made the same announcement on WMBT, the station that played progressive polka music.

I knew it would a once-in-a-lifetime experience. I had to go to Altamont and be part of the county’s musical history. Just think about it, the Jordan Brothers, The Other Side, Lil’ Andy, Tony Karpee, The Schuylkill Haven Belvederes’ Drum & Bugle Corp, Big Barrel Emil Simodejka, Buddy Widel Trio, The Individuals, and so many others, all on one stage...and for free. The event would go down in Schuylkill County musical mythology.
It would be three days of peace and love in “The Mountain City.”
Before I tell you of the festival, I want you all to know that while my musical taste was based in “underground” Polka music, I was open-minded to listening to other forms of music. Underground polka music is the edgy polka music that did not have a mainstream following. Traditional polka music could be heard on the Lawrence Welk Show but I preferred the raw energy heard at the Bavarian Festival in Barnesville. The best polka music was not the sappy, upbeat, happy Myron Floren-variety, but rather the type of polka that reflected the dismal lifestyle of many of our county youths. This music circled itself around both aggression and crime (as found in the lyrics of “Who Stole the Keeshka?”) and misogyny ( “She’s Too Fat Polka”- utterly offensive to Rubenesque women). As an angry white boy, it was the music that spoke to me…it was both the music that annoyed anyone over thirty and was also the music to allow me to “get jiggy with the ladies.”
While polka music was unheard of in my native Pine Grove, misogynistic lyrics were not. In fact the west end “Hoe Down” music was notorious and the subject of a Grand Jury Probe on obscenity in the record industry. That will be a story for another day.
I was attracted to this new, high-energy polka music with its pulsating 2/4 beat, and I remained an underground polka aficionado for many, many years - a regular on the polka party club scene that flourished in the clandestine, boilo-fueled houses of northern Schuylkill county. I longed for those twelve hours of non-stop musical bliss. Minersville was a Mecca for polka clubbers like myself, where the all-night DJs would play the latest Jimmy Sturr, Frankie Yankovic, Stanky and Eddie Blazonczk albums for the revelers, remixing polka tracks in and out of each other. Some of these house DJs became celebrities in their own right; Jouz Cabachi, from WPPA, is one name that comes to mind. This legendary figure turned polka turntablism into an art form by beat mixing, matching and scratching, exploring the repetition and altering rythms of polkas, obereks, mazurkas and czardashes. Yes ear-shattering clarinets, accordians, alto saxes and trumpets all blending together! What a time to be alive! Stomping on people’s feet! Frantically pushing and shoving into the swirling crowd as if it was an out of control rugby game! Full-figured factory girls in their stretch pants seductively removing their babushkas and throwing them into the crowd; all the while the energy was fed by kielbassi and pierogies, washed down with boilo, Columbia beer and Kaier’s ale.
Whoop-I, Shupp-I!

Of course, we got criticism from our elders, as there were many injuries, mainly broken toes. Soon safety codes were enforced at the clubs due to the public outcry. The Bavarian Festival was shut down and many of the clandestine clubs turned themselves into respectable parking lots that began appearing in the area in the nineteen seventies.
I will have to tell you about the Altamont Festival some other time.

population increase

I read in the paper that Schuylkill County’s population has finally increased after a steady decline since 1930. The paper credited “fewer deaths and more births.”

Well I am certainly doing my part by staying alive. I have eliminated the cheese from all of my Big Macs and Double bacon burgers. And as for tobacco, while it is healthier than crack, let’s face it, it cannot be considered a health food. That is why I have cut down to one pack of Camels a day.
There are also safety changes that I integrated into my lifestyle. I now have a hands-free cell phone in my SUV. Now I don’t have to be distracted with the phone and I can concentrate on my driving and changing discs in the DVD player while I am on Route 61.

My new motto is “One hand on the wheel, the other on my Fast Forward button.”
My drinking and driving habits have also changed. With gas now costing $4 a gallon, it is cheaper to drink than to drive. So I drive less and drink more, pocketing the change, laughing all the way to the bank.
With these lifestyle changes I hope to last to a extremely old age lingering, forgotten and alone, in a bed; helping to keep our county’s population stable. I now have a living will that requests that I be kept alive by any means necessary and that, if possible, I be transported to Mount Carbon so that I can help keep that town’s numbers up even while comatose.

We also need to thank our local prisons for helping to keep the population up. We not only have the County jail in Pottsville but two state correction facilities north of the mountain, and a federal prison in Minersville. Hopefully more human behavior and activities will become illegal in the future so that additions can be built onto these facilities to make room for the next generation of criminal and increasing the county’s numbers to boot.
I am not sure how many residents are at these facilities, but I would bet that once released most inmates would leave the county. Therefore we should all write to the Pardon or Parole Board objecting to any type of early release until the next census is taken, lest our numbers decrease.
I understand that many girlfriends of prisoners with their children already relocate to the area temporarily to be close by. This should be a signal to the Chamber of Commerce to begin a massive “in-big-house” promotion to retain these mostly young people from leaving the area.

Lastly, the paper failed to give due credit to the humungous rise in illegitimacy in the county. We need to thank these young women for doing their part to keep the population numbers up. If a young girl had to wait until she married and was financially able to support a child, the number of births would be dramatically down. If it wasn’t for these frisky youngsters, Schuylkill County could face extinction, just like the Dodo Bird. That is why I am such a big supporter of the New Year Baby Contest, middle school baby showers, Eighth grade proms and slutty clothes for pre-teens. I say, get the youngsters interested in procreating as early as possible. Entice them with prizes and photo ops in the newspaper to keep our county’s numbers up. Some naysayers argue that I am foolish for advocating such a policy. They claim “young girls are ready or able to properly care for a baby.” I reply with one word, Hogwash! That is what social workers, foster parents, food stamps, and the Women’s Shelter are for. At next year’s Pottsville May Fair I plan to sell five inch, yellow rear car window signs that proclaims “bastard on board” as well as bumper stickers that read: "Honk if you're a bastard" and donate all profits to the winner of the New Year Baby Contest provided the baby’s parents are not married (to one another). Will you buy one to help keep the population numbers up?

Remember when it comes to population, its quantity, not quality.

Clamtown Races

The Clamtown ladies sing this song

Doo-dah! Doo-dah!

The Clamtown racetrack's five miles long

Oh! doo-dah day!

I grew up with this Stephen Foster song ringing in my head, over and over again…doo-dah…doo-dah…oh! doo-dah day! With gas price spiraling as I predicted to seven dollars a gallon by Labor Day, I thought it best to head over to Clamtown right away. Gas prices go up almost hourly, so it is cheaper to ride to Clamtown now and rent a room for a night or two. My destination is the Clamtown Racetrack, just west of Tamaqua.

I want to visit the Clamtown racetrack, I want to watch my horse win, place or show and more importantly I want to see the Clamtown ladies that I heard about. Oh! doo-dah day!

Goin' to run all night

Goin' to run all day

I bet my money on a bob-tailed nag

Somebody bet on the gray

It would be my last ride in the old reconditioned wienermobile that I purchased years ago at a Blum auction. While it certainly is a more attractive “babe magnet” than a Hummer, it uses too much gas, which I just can’t afford anymore. I will take if for its last ride over to the Clamtown Races. Oh! doo-dah day!


Oh, the long tailed filly and the big black horse,

Doo-da, doo-da

Come to a mud hole and they all cut across,

Oh, de doo-da day

I never had much experience with horses. My experiences with horses were limited to riding “Flying Horses” at Lakewood Park and wearing a rented horse costume from Gombar’s. I do however own both the Mr. Ed DVD Collector’s Edition Set as well as America’s album “A Horse With No Name.” I realize that none of the above makes me a proficient equestrian, but I always enjoyed placing a wager on a horse even if the horse was a wooden one on the Lakewood Carousel. That is why I am heading over to the Clamtown races. Oh! doo-dah day!


Goin' to run all night

Goin' to run all day

I bet my money on a bob-tailed nag

Somebody bet on the gray

I bought a horse earlier this year when I decided to go green. I still try to conserve energy. For instance I keep my television on the lowest setting, watching WNEP’s Noreen Clark and Joe Snedeker most of the time. It is Channel 16 but 2 on the dial. However, I needed to take the next step towards energy independence; anyone can recycle old Yuengling cans, but it takes a real man to go out and buy a horse! That is a real commitment, like a marriage. That doesn’t mean I gave up driving altogether. I use the horse for essential local transportation such as picking up the “Saw III” DVD at Hollywood Video or a slice of pizza at Roma. Horses have maintenance costs, more than I originally thought. More costs than associated with a marriage. To recoup my investment I decided to race my horse once or twice and the five mile long Clamtown Racetrack seemed the ideal location. At first he was so slow that the jockey kept a diary of his trip, but he has improved a lot. I credit it to the galloping back and forth to Roma for the pizza slices.

I went down there with my hat caved in,

Doo-da, doo-da

I came back home with a pocket full of tin

Oh, de doo-da day

When I arrived at the Clamtown racetrack the crowds were already thick with revelers. Yes, the Clamtown races involve many traditions that surround the race itself. For instance, the Clamtown women were there, appearing in fine outfits, wearing the finest elaborate hats on their heads, munching on Heisler Dairy waffles and Leiby pies simultaneously. While I normally limit my consumption at outdoor festivities to funnel cake, bean soup and bleenies, I make an exception on Clamtown Race Day. That is when I join the others and partake in waffles covered with fresh Lewistown Valley butter, strawberry jam and syrup. All washed down with ice cold Yuenglings. Oh! doo-dah day!

Goin' to run all night

Goin' to run all day

I bet my money on a bob-tailed nag

Somebody bet on the gray

My horse’s name is Super Skook by the way. I had him shaved to cut down on wind resistance. Please root for him to win the Clamtown Race.

Oh! doo-dah day!